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About Categea

  • Birthday 11/18/1981

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  1. Categea

    A Different Dream.

    I dreamt about Mel last night, but this one was so different - she was happy. It has been so very long since I saw her, and longer seeing her happy. I almost forgot what she looked like, I have never seen her in a dress before, but she was so happy. I don't believe in signs, but what if this was a sign? Was she finally at peace living with her darkness, or did she leave those behind this mortal coil? Does it mean one of us is finally ready to move on...?
  2. Categea


    This is personal. This is about me, and you reading this, now. This is about us, dealing, with the fact that we exist. No excuse of higher calling can alleviate, substantiate or deny, confirm nor deny, why. Choosing only one - we expose to love. Like a victim of a sex crime, we empathize unwillingly. But, why? Misdirected, deluded and lied to. We are not loved. We are objects of craving, misfortune, or unwanted desire. We are not wanted. So take your love, your emotions, your ... your... wasted time, we do not want you. Better spend it wishing yourself away. Alone, even with somebody else, now... dedicated to nobody. They can't have us, we can't have love, happiness can't have anything.
  3. Categea

    Forever, Dreams.

    You have my voice, I have your mind. We are washed over by warm waves of content, a soft wall of protection wraps us in coveted love. Nothing can happen this time. I wake in my dream, a reality within a non. I scream! I wail! I break myself against bleeding crystallized walls. A dream within a dream led me to believe a time I still trusted love. Now I trust distrust, rejection, malcontent love, fear and loathing. The walls bleed over me while I weep in my sleep, or my dream - the difference is intelligible and unimportant. The next ten waking days... without emotion. The nights... fearful.
  4. Curiosity killed the cat, and satisfaction brought me back.
  5. ^ Sounds like Nihilism to me. I approve. Do we build walls around us to keep people out, or to see who cares enough to break in?
  6. I did not choose this life. I was born to disintegrate away. Leaves of pain hugging The heart of an unbeliever, Black onyx and rotten goo. The martyr of the unloved Will die in silence, penance, and diseased. I was not made to love.
  7. How are you today, guitarfan? Are you going to exercise today? I must admit I am a little jealous about that, my body misses the exercise.
  8. @alfred you are doing really well, I don't think we give up just yet! I think that's why many people enjoy extreme sports, it provides a rush you would not get otherwise naturally. Of course I am crazy enough but just too damn lazy to do extreme sports. Plus I had enough broken bones already. @sweetsmile, you may not agree, but personally I do not consider c@nnabis a drug (in the same category as other drugs at least) as it was the one medication that did me any good at all. I am no longer taking it. Self-discipline sounds good, I have plenty of that and have been working on making computer games in the evenings. It keeps me very occupied and creative. Thanks for your replies you two, it is nice to get some interaction. _Anyone else like to say anything here?_
  9. What do you do when the person you are doing work for asks of you something illegal and, more importantly, immoral? This happened a few months ago, I said no, I did not want any part of it! All these people think of is money, seriously you have no idea. They wanted me to help them steal contact details, these idiots will do anything underhanded to score leads! and at about 6 and a half million contact and id numbers it is a serious crime! not to mention invasion of privacy. It is disgusting. A new job I am applying for also suggest they work in a legal grey area when it comes to privacy on mobile devices, but I feel morally it is wrong. I can't seem to find a job that does not include d***s that care more for money than being humble. dildos, all of them.
  10. Good work guitarfan on all that exercise! Damn you sure made hectic progress, I must say I'm jealous: you are no doubt more fit than I am, I have all but given up on exercise and feel suicidal because of it. So don't stop!
  11. Have you thought about working in a music store? I take it you play guitar, it might make a difference working with instruments. Its not a goal but a means to find other jobs, you never know...
  12. I don't understand this need that people have to hug, or to be held. Am I missing something important about it?
  13. Categea


    The familiar glow of dusk illuminates the curved ocean horizon, the clear sky is scarred with long wispy contrails. A feeling of imminent adventure is in the air, there is another trip coming up, probably tomorrow. Probably an outdoor music festival, another outing that took weeks of planning, likely, I just can't seem to remember the details right now, nor I care to. Sarah is standing beside me, we laugh, we hug, we love. She is so beautiful, I will never forget these days. A wrong word is heard, a wrong pain is felt, I grab at my chest for the thing piercing my body. There is nothing there. I am alone on the beach, on the road, in the void. A sense of loss and despair crowds my emotions, it explodes my heart and chest, and I wonder why I have not died from this overload yet. There is no structure to this place, I cry the loudest I have ever, I shout for everything ever lost, ever felt, ever loved, and ever missed. It feels so releasing, to liberate these emotions of mine. It feels like I have not done this in years... for ever. But I don't recall ever crying before, at all. Something in me releases, the pain fades enough to think... I lay still, unmoving. It's like a crypt in here I'm so quiet. I am paralyzed by the emotion I just felt in my dream. I was screaming and shouting and crying in my dream, all the while silently laying here, asleep. I open my eyes, and close my heart. There was no relief, no release, no reawakening. One of these days, when the glow of dusk illuminates the curved ocean horizon, I will stop having these nightmares. I will forget about the loss and the pain, I will only remember the beautiful things again, close my eyes, and happily embrace non-existence. [image cc kathamausl]
  14. ^ That is a sad thought to start the day on :'(
  15. Being "hot" is not a compliment, it is flattery. Being "beautiful" is a compliment, not flattery.
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