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About Joyandsmile

  • Birthday 02/07/1990

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  1. It feels peaceful, calm, comforting, joy. My dad can't feel God's presence too. I wonder why.
  2. My heart, feel so tight and painful(not physically). I feel it almost everyday. It's not a pleasant thing to feel. I don't know what to say except it's really difficult to bear that i want to die(no, i don't to die. i just want to stop feeling this way) But in short, i will just say i want to die, almost daily. I could be happy playing with my daughter last seconds but feeling the overwhelming feeling this second and feeling like i want to die because i am tired of bearing this indescribable feeling. No one could stand me whining daily, so here I am, whining to myself. I don't have a safe place to vent, nor a safe-and-will-not-get-tired-of-me person to talk to. Actually, I am sick of talking things out. I am lazy to open my mouth, think my every words and talk to a person who gives responses which might or might not help. You just got 1 life so live it out! Go and do the things wholeheartedly and achieve something so that u won't die whining and regretting! You had never did anything and persevere in doing so until now. You always just give up! Please persevere for a change! You don't change your ways, the result will always be the same. try, fail, rest, try, fail, rest. Make a change! Come on! Educate your daughter. Play with her. Teach her things! Prepare works for your students. Put your hearts in. Make good food! Get new students! So much to do! Don't just keep looking at the screen and looking at what other people had been achieving by using the time u look at the screen to do something meaningful and fruitful. DO! AND PERSEVERE IN DOING! GO TO SLEEP AND WELCOME A NEW DAY WITH NEW THINGS!
  3. You are an awesome person to be a teacher to those special need kids. Despite how your mother had treated you, you kept that tender heart of yours and not being transformed into your mom. Big clap to u. If I am you, I might be hating the whole world now. I am a hater. I just hope i don't grow into somebody like your mom. hugs to u
  4. Your lives are given by your parents. You have no rights to end your own life. Do not be involved in sexual immorality or any bad habits. Love yourself and do not taste the forbidden fruit before you can take responsibility on yourself. Stay away for negative people, they will only drain you. Work hard and do what is right. Seeing at all these, I can only be ashamed of myself. Growing up, I never know what loving myself means. I put myself out there as a slut to be toyed by men. I living my everyday life, wanting to end it most of the times. I am starting to wonder if my lack of interest in things is because I am depress or i am lazy. I have no perseverance in things i do. I never dug into things deep enough to be proficient in them. I am lead, mainly by emotions, go where my heart wants to go, and later on, when my heart changes, so does my action. I am the negative people whom people wants to stay away from. Looking at my peers, succeeding in their lives, visiting other countries, excel in their career, having a sweet grand wedding, having the beautiful body shape that they had 10 years ago, having besties to share their life with, happily chasing their dream. I envy. I hate myself for not being able to do any of those. My life is not bad. I have a loving dad who provides for me and my daughter, who will always got my back. I have a beautiful and joyful baby who is the only thing from me that i am proud of. I have a not-rich but a husband that love me. I have enough. I have enough. but.. they have more. I couldn't stop myself from comparing. Having family support and with my intelligence, I should have achieve more in life. But no, because i am too emotional driven. No, because I have unstable emotions and distorted perception of life. No, because I am simply too lazy. What will I get out of this life? Will I end up being the person I fear the most? The one who breath her last breath regretting not living the life given? Perhaps I will end my life in regrets and fear for hell.
  5. Now is the time where i no longer live for my daughter and i no longer care for my husband or my dad. Now is the time that is best for me to commit suicide. Now is the best time to do so but i am too chicken to end my meaningless life. It's so hard to continue breathing. i hate everything and everyone around me including my 13mth old daughter who picked my dad over me the night before yesterday. i hold grudges on her till now. my husband added girls/women/sex group on social media again. i am very tired to argue, to defend my feelings. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I hate my student whom i am giving tuition to. She had no interest in learning Mandarin and she always had the attitude and says "who cares?" She doesn't want to learn and memorize properly and asked me to give her assessment. She is rich and have every branded things that she want and she is such a arrogant piece of Biotch. I just want the money your mom gives to me. **** off. I DONT CARE ANYMORE! I AM A COWARD!
  6. God existence is the proof that I will be condemned and thrown to hell.
  7. Thanks ladysmurf. Fortunate for me, I am not pregnant so I don't have to make that decision. Phew.
  8. It's a difficult decision to make if I ever have to make one. Thanks for the sharing.
  9. Hi Barnabas. Thanks for your sharing. I feel very hard to have faith. Especially with my mental condition. I used to have a lovely walk with God when I was a teen. Then reality kicked in and so is the mental illness. I couldn't have a stable relationship/friendship with able-to-see and touch and talk human being. What's more the unseen God. My husband is not a Christian so I no longer go to church. I know God is still there for me, to provide and to bless. But I am too useless and disappointed at my past to be anywhere near Him. I tried going to counsellor and I don't like the experience. As for therapist, we don't have it here. Or maybe it's too costly to see one.
  10. Thanks lonelyforeigner for sharing your personal story. I will try to be there for my children.
  11. Thanks epictetus. I know I will be like her. I will never forgive myself if I do get an abortion.
  12. I had a lot of trial and error with my pdoc too before I stick to this prescription. Everyone of us is unique and our brain is not being fully understood. So, doctors can only trial and error to see how u react to the meds and if the meds helps. Changing meds, increasing/decreasing dosage is part of it. I know u feel frustrated. But hang in there. I stopped my medication once, few years back, thinking that they doesn't help. It was a terrible mistake. I harm myself, and ended up with 30+ stitches because I am unable to control my anger. Give you and your pdoc some time. Let your body search through the meds prescribed and find the one that suits it the most.
  13. There are actually a lot of children in orphanage here. I not sure that anyone would want a child whose mother is mentally illed
  14. Yes. I would. It would be harder and cannot give our children the best education and stuff, but I don't think my daughter would want to grow up knowing that what she has is at the cost of a life being sacrifice. Plus, I might get insane if I killed a life and end up, my daughter would lose a mother.
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