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Everything posted by Cupcake_girl

  1. Hello I'm new here too :) I understand it's hard to open up about it, it took me a long time but I can now. When I finally opened up to a counsellor it was the most helpfull session I ever had, it felt so free to finally have everything out now and it felt still safe. The counsellor complimented me on it and I just felt so
  2. I was home for a year and a half but I'm in college again. Anyways when I was home I use to spend a lot of time on cooking and baking, it are my true passions and the things that really make me happy. I also like to watch DVDs of my favourite comedy series to make me laugh.. And when the sun is shining I definitely try to go outside because it's good to have a bit of fresh air..
  3. I don't use either of them but if I had to choose I would prefer illness.. If I talk about it I just call them my issues our problems. I find it still very hard to call myself ill, it's just shamefull to me really. I feel issues our problems sound more normal since everyone has those, I don't know.. It just feel more comfortable to refer as it like that to me.
  4. I am a real perfectionist too. I have extrememly high expectations for myself. Like you I'm always unhappy and hating myself. I get also dissapointed all the time. I always am so hard on myself, everything that goes wrong I take the blame for. Everyone knows am this way and I'm just really annoying to work with because I want everything my way, I just want the control because I can feel safe then. I don't know.. Anyways I don't know how to tackle it, but well your definitely not alone in this if that helps.
  5. ^^ Yeah same here, at 16 I finally accepted who I was and I was just so happy and confident.. I loved it all and then a year later for whatever reason I got ill. I've been so mad at myself for that, finally I got it all together and suddenly it slipped away.. And yes I know, deep inside I still am that girl from the photos, very rarely I still feel like that when I just let myself go and enjoy the moment.. Those are the ones I feel a happy. But unfortunately I just have the really annoying habbit of thinking untill I drive nuts :( I know. My family is just awesome.. It's amazing on how they always stick to my side no matter what I do. I always loved my family but the last few years I've grown so much closer to them! :) And yes no matter how bad I feel most of my times.. This has brought me good things as well. Although I do feel weak I know in my heart I've became so much stronger by this all. I'm so grateful too I still function, I still manage school and being a good friend.. While in HS I could care less about school lol. So yeah, there are little of them but this depression has brought me good things as well :)
  6. I'm just not a fun person to be around anymore. I'm sad like 90% of the times and it's all I can think and talk about. There doesn't a day go by I don't cry my eyes out while I never use to cry. I changed so much. I feel like this is eating me up inside and it's has "stolen" who I use to be. I'm just an annoying person now really, I always need to give my opinion and I'm just sad.. To my friends who don't know I'm depressed I feel like I'm fake, like they don't know the real me. I pretent to be happy and I joke all the time but they have just no clue what I go through. So I feel like I'm not true to myself anymore while I always was! Even when I was bullied I was myself while now I am just prentending to be a happy person who I think ppl will like. On the inside I'm not the joyfull girl I use to be anymore. I looked at some childphotos a while ago and I just started crying. Were did it go wrong? How could such a lovely little girl turn into what I am now? I loved the person I use to be and now I feel so valueless to everyone. There is on positive though. I appreciate my family and friends SO much more. I hold on to them very tight now while in the past I haven't been such a good friend. No matter how bad I feel I still always try to support them even if it's just sending an email our text. So I think in some way this depression has made me a better friend actually. It's the only thing left that makes me feel good about myself really, when a friend thanks me for being there for them.. So that's why I hold on to them very tight.
  7. I hate all my feelings who come with this but I should say the feeling of being valueless. I think that's the worst because it makes me feel like I don't deserve anything good and because of that I tend to push all the good things a away.. I've lost a lot because of feeling like that. I have no self worth anymore, I feel like a very weak unlovable person now.. And in some strange way I even feel like I deserve to feel like that. That I deserve to struggle so much.. So yeah I would say feeling valueless because it's the feeling wich has ruined to most for me :verysad3:
  8. Almost 21 and I feel like I've waisted 4 precious years on being ill. It's just terrible.. I hope the next year is going to be better.
  9. Yeah I know, I'd like to get some medication and I've asked about it but like I said they just don't think it's nessesary. They think I can do it by myself, but honestly I feel I'm not strong enough for that.. I mean otherwise I wouldn't be struggeling with this for quiet a long time now. Yes I do journaling already :) I've been doing it for 4 years now and it helps me to organize my thoughts. I just love writing now and the best is I can do it whenever I want to!
  10. Well I have a good health insurance so I don't have to pay out of pocket.. Also I'm not from the U.S ;)
  11. Well I told one friend. It went well. I can talk about it pretty easy with her now but I do wish I didn't told my friend because it puts a strain on our friendship :( Its all we seem to talk about now, it feels so free to talk about it with her, she is the first one ever I can talk to so open about my issues so for some reason I always seem to do it now.. All my other friends I haven't told and I just have fun with them.. With her I always have deep talks untill I cry. She's there for me but I feel it's all our friendship is about now.. So yeah, I don't really have advice.. Just make sure it's not all you talk about.. I feel like a burden to her but a lot of the times I can't help myself to bring it up because I just feel so low :(
  12. ^^ I'm sorry to hear that. It's just aweful to bully a person because he's overweight, why would someone do that? Well I don't know about looking great, I just look average now ;) I only have to loose a few more pounds and then I'm oficially out of the "overweight zone". It's just I don't feel any diffrent. During my HS years I always thought loosing weight and looking pretty would make me happy but I still feel the same. Like I said I wish I could see myself through the eyes of the ppl who give me compliments.. But yeah I have faith it will happen one day. Indeed what's on the inside matters, it's just so annoying ppl always seem to focus on looks. I'm sure you are a great person! If you want to loose weight you can do it, just start with small steps :) Oh ok, that's awful.. Yeah I hope it will be good, I've waited SO long xD
  13. Well no I am not on medication now and I've never been. Sometimes my mom brings me these, well I call them "nature" pills from a regular store who are suppose to calm me down but they never work. I've asked for real pills and my mom as well but they just say I can do it alone because I am a "strong" person.. Uhm ok, if I could do that I would have done it 4 years ago already. Plus I am a "strong" girl? So ppl who take medicine are weak then? That is just stupid because it is not true. Like I said they just don't take me seriously, I've heard a lot these are just normal things for my age to deal with. Well ok even if they are I still can't deal with it normally. I cry all the time and I just feel hopeless about my future. And yes I do have very low selfesteem. Because I was overweight I've been bullied quiet a lot and even some family told me I was fat and needed to loose weight, it totally crushed my confidence. I always hid myself and wore these big baggy clothes. Well this summer I decided I was just done with it so I lost like 30/33 lbs, I feel great about it and I also feel much healthier. When it comes to this I made a good step because I just wear whatever I like now.
  14. Well I'm a 20 year old girl.. I'm depressed for almost 4 years now. I'm doing a little better though then I use to do. I've lost 30 lbs and for the first time in my life I can say I feel pretty. I have also started college this year, I've made new friends and my grades are good but I am still far from happy.. I'm still feeling miserable about myself. I feel I'm worthless and not good enough and I will never find someone who will love me (I've never even kissed wich is bugging me a lot) If I think about it I burst into tears.. I cry all the time and I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach most of my days. Not just because of that but also over my whole life, I feel it's not even close on how I want it to be and I can't change it no matter how hard I try, I'm tired of ppl thinking I'm having such a great life. I feel ppl just don't take me seriously, I've told my new friends I am not feeling good and they didn't even believed me. When I tell my friends I am worried to end up alone they say I need to stop being so negative.. Even worse is that counselors don't take me seriously either. I've been to 2 who don't think I'm "worse" enough to take me in. Two weeks ago I finally got a new recommendation for a therapist and she will contact me after Easter. I'm glad with that but I'm also so scared, what if she doesn't take me seriously either, also I've been to 2 other therapists before as well wich didn't went very well.. I'm just so scared nobody can help me and I will always feel like this :( I'm working on my depression for 4 years now and it's still there, some periods I am doing well but then it "suddenly" comes back and I feel worse then ever. Although I have great support from my parents I still wasn't able to completely get rid of this wich makes me feel very weak. I don't really know how to deal with my inner pain anymore so some time ago I've I know it is SO wrong but it makes me feel calm and in some way I feel I need to punish myself.. I don't want to do it but I just want the pain to stop. I just want to live instead of feeling I'm watching everyone live while I have to watch then behind a window. I just want to be happy! That's what I want but I'm terrified I will always be a sad unloved person :( So well, I don't really know what I expect by posting this.. I guess I just needed to get it all out since I'm feeling so bad now. Thanks for reading. Any support is greatly appreciated.
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