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Mikey90

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Everything posted by Mikey90

  1. I feel I am in a state of stasis. My life is not moving forward and I am stuck.
  2. I remember when I must have been around 6 or 7, for whatever reason, I realized that one day I will no longer exist. I don't remember what brought on this realization of my own mortality, but I do remember this immense feeling of emptiness that stayed with me for a long time. After that, I was prone to having pretty morbid and depressive thoughts from time to time. But generally speaking, I was a well adjusted kid. I was actually pretty happy and social in my childhood for the most part. It wasn't until my teen years I started developing anxieties and depression and became more introverted. But even then, it was never anything too unmanageable. Somewhere after graduating highschool, I started to really fall apart. I thought my depression was the result of recent events at the time. But after looking back, I realized the depression was always there. It just hadn't ruled over my life until I was an adult.
  3. Well, as bad as this may sound. I haven't yet been able to bring myself to see a doctor or anything.. Still working on it... I feel like going to a doctor and asking for something in this particular situation wouldn't work out and may seem awfully suspicious, if you get what I mean. Looking at the broader issue, I guess the logical thing would be to seek help. I wouldn't feel comfortable seeking meds from others, I mean, I know where I could probably get Xanax and probably wouldn't have trouble finding Valium, but I've never taken either of those before, and well, I don't feel comfortable taking it first time and being in front of a crowd. Seems like a bad plan. Thank you both for responding and wishing me well. Taysmom, I’m glad to hear in your particular situation, everything went well. Shmooey, I’m sorry to hear you were so nervous on your own wedding day. But, what matters is you are married : ) Thanks guys.
  4. This is a good approach, if i could only manage my thoughts that way. I've been in wedding parties in the past. Between the last two and four years. The one two years ago, I was kind of nervous, but it never really bothered me, that was until the dance. but I got through it. This time around, I can't believe the increase in my anxiety. But I will defiantly try and take it one step at a time as you suggested. Thanks! I tend to do the same thing at weddings, post up in my seat for most of the night.Feeling very uncomfortable. Or spend much time outside, by myself, smoking cigarette after cigarette. I'm sorry to hear how nervous you were. I defiantly empathize with you. Thank you for the positive wishes.
  5. I just wanted to share this. So, my cousin asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding. I really didn’t want to because I am nervous an anxious in large groups of people. And even though I know I’m really not anywhere close to being the focus of attention, I feel like all these people will be looking at me…watching me…studying me. Then at the reception, I will be sitting with the wedding party center stage while we eat dinner. Then, the wedding party will have to do the traditional wedding party dance and I’m not familiar with any of the bridesmaids so that’s another situation that will trigger some real anxiety. It’s just bad, bad, bad all around. I feel like I'm not going to be able to take it. I’m not big on weddings as it is anyway. I usually spend them in a corner or outside getting fresh air, and that is if I even decide to show up to them. But, there was no way I could tell him no. I mean, he’s my cousin and he’s getting married to the woman he loves! This is his and his fiance's day! And I should be honored that he said he specifically wanted me to be a part of it. So of course because I don't want to disappoint/offend/hurt him, I told him I'd be a part of it. I went and got fitted for a tux, paid the deposit, and the wedding is less than a month away. and I’m F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G. out! Anyone been in a situation like or similar to this before? How did it go? Did you get through it? What did you do to get through it? I just want to keep my promise to my cousin without freaking out or making a scene.
  6. I didn't integrate very well into the social circles circles of college life, but the awkwardness and shyness started well before college life. I was able to manage it alright in high school, but by the time I got to college, I just really didn't adjust all that well, and perhaps that was the breaking point.Outside of the limited contact I have with my family, I have literally two friends (whom i barley see or talk to anymore) and a roommate. That's it as far as my interaction goes with people in real life. I just really feel I have nothing of value to say to people and nothing that will interest them. Just a side thought: In high school, I self medicated. When I was 18, I quit it because the high was no longer enjoyable and I would feel very panicked and paranoid. People stopped hanging out with me as much because I no longer contributed to the "recreations" but I was in no way shunned or excluded by them. But, I started feeling uncomfortable hanging around them because all they ever did was get high. I still see and talk to them every now and then, because these people were very close friends of mine in high school. But I feel they are no longer interested in me, so I don't really pursue them. So even talking to close friends of mine, makes me incredibly nervous and makes me feel withdrawn.
  7. It can be very difficult being open about it. I know exactly how you feel. I have a fear of talking about it because I fell no one should be bothered with my personal issues or I don't want them to think I'm just crying for attention. But if they really are your close friends, hopefully, they will be interested in knowing and willing to listen. Maybe you should let them know you are interested in talking to them about something serious or important and set up a specific place and time that works for you and them. That way you know it's a mutual meeting time, and you have no reason to feel like you are being a "pest," which you are not being at all. Trust me. Hopefully, other people can give you better advice than me. I haven't really told my friends. I know one of them is aware of it, but we haven't really talked about it. And I really want to talk about it to my friends. We shouldn't be alone in this. Best of Wishes!
  8. Hello. Welcome to the forums. I am recently new as well, and have found this place to be very helpful and supportive. Like you I have a job I like to stay at because I get low cost health insurance and it's relatively close to where i stay. But I am always broke. Every time I have some cash saved up, something happens and I have to give it away. I live between my parents and my school and I fear that I won't be able to graduate because of my depression and anxiety. I fear finding myself in a situation where I'm paying on loans for an uncompleted education or getting wages garnished. Even though you're situation is much different than mine, i feel as if i can empathize with you. I am a wreck in job interviews and ny symptoms seem to be much worse at night too. You are not alone in this. I wish I could offer some advice, but the only advice someone in my position can really offer is keep seeking a psychiatrist or professional that can help you with your depression, find a well-deserved support system, and keep visiting here because everyone is just so supportive and and very empathetic here. I've made a few friends who are not so different than myself and help me feel better about what I'm going through. So, Welcome! Best wishes!
  9. You sound like a good person and seems like your heart is in the right place but your actions have hurt him and made him uncomfortable. I find it uplifting that you’re choosing to work on yourself. After reading your story, I really hope you are able to eventually work things out with yourself and everything else. He sounds like a good guy, and you sound like a good girl. Hopefully, things work out for the two of you. Just give it some time, learn more about yourself and think carefully about how to approach things in the future. Best wishes!
  10. In a situation like that, (as unrealistic as it is) I'd prefer all day with a girl I know, over 10 hours with megan fox once a week. I don't think she loves me that much because perhaps she wasn't able to actually fall in love with me because of our lack of interaction. Since she never got to that point of completely falling in love, it would be difficult for her to continue a relationship such as ours. But idk.
  11. Might actually be able to sleep tonight. But, boy am I lonely.

  12. It was difficult. We talked over the phone a bit today. And we're going to meet up and talk tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about that.
  13. This is very hopeful. I'm glad I was able to read that. Thank you.
  14. I empathize with this. It is very unfortunate. I have a small, and I mean very small circle of people I stick around, and even then, sometimes, I can tell they notice my anxiety and awkwardness. But two of my friends are aware of issues and just deal with and pursue me very comfortably and well. Too bad I’m not able to see them more often. You sound very sad and well, the way you put it about lacking a sense of wonder and interest really pinpoints how this feels. And just like the rest of us, I really hope things get better for you! This pretty well explains me now. I'm glad to hear you have overcome your social phobia, but is too bad you're still depressed and anxious. hopefully, you can find you way out of it and be able to be happier and more social! That would be great!
  15. I want to reply to all of you! Thank you, I've been considering seeing a therapist for awhile really, but haven't quite been able to make the leap yet. Guess I'm afraid of a fall? I don't know. Just talking about it seems difficult. I know exactly what that's like. I don't take rejection so well either. It’s hard for me to meet new people on my own, and it’ also very difficult for me when my friend Patrick introduces me to people he knows (he’s incredibly social). I’m kind of social at work, only because I’ve worked there for so long and know most everyone, but when a new person comes in, it may take months before I ever really have a real conversation with them, if at all. Thanks for your encouragement though, I appreciate it.
  16. Thanks for your reply and your encouragement. I've been thinking about seeking help recently, but the idea of talking about it just makes me anxious and I try to avoid anxiety. I'm sorry to hear you have been depressed for many years, but am glad you are doing better. Thank you for sharing. :)
  17. I browsed around and didn't see this topic posted, so forgive me if it has already been discussed. But I wanted to share this and was curious what everyone else’s experience was with this. Does anyone ever remember themselves before depression? Like, does anyone remember a distinct difference in their personality or mannerisms? And if so, what changed that? Personally, when I was younger, I loved attention. I couldn’t get enough of it. I wanted to be in every picture, I loved being in school functions and sports that warranted an audience, I would make videos with my parents camcorder and desire to show them off, I was a very social child. Really, I was an attention hog. Once, when I was eight, I even played guitar stage at a wedding in front of a hall of strangers and insisted to play an encore! I started becoming introverted in high school, but even then, I was still well known and liked by a variety of people, cliques, and social circles and felt comfortable socializing in them. But, today, this is the complete opposite of who I have become. I am incredibly introverted and very anxious/nervous in any type of social situation. I would never seek much attention these days and would never be comfortable in front of a crowd. In fact, sometimes I go way out of my way to avoid attention, conversation, or socializing. I really have no idea exactly when I started to make this change in my personality and have no idea why it has happened. Anyone else have a similar experience, story, or comment?
  18. Watching the new episode of House. :) I love this show.

  19. I've had perhaps a handful of relationships. None of them have ever lasted long, except one that lasted for years and when it ended about two years ago, it hurt so bad because it was an ugly ending. I'm recently single from another realtionship. It's been difficult,but I'm dealing much better with it than I expected, at least for now. I long for affection and companionship, but I'm realizing now, perhaps a relationship isn't really ideal for me right now.
  20. We have been really good, close friends longer than we’ve dated and I don’t want to lose the friendship, because well, I don’t have many friendships. I'm kind of an introvert and don't do well in social settings, anxiety and all. I try to hold on and appreciate the few people I do have. But, yesterday, I kind of had an “aha moment” and I’m starting to come to the reality that a relationship between us doesn’t work, and am accepting and actually becoming more comfortable with it. However, it still hurts. But a friendship does, at least it did, work very well and I would much rather have that than nothing. Although, in the back of my mind I wonder if im rationalizing it, or if im in denial just convincing myself I’m fine with it. I was faced with a tough decision, as she got ahold of me and asked me to come stay with her last night. Staying together obviously implies certain things, but I declined. She seemed pretty upset. I said we definatly should hang sometime, just not tonight, and all she really said was hopefully soon. Going to "stay" with her would've made me happy for the night, but it didn't seem like the best decision, and I spent the rest of the night feeling just awful.
  21. I've been doing very often lately however, it does make me very drowsy in the morning and I find it difficult to wake up and get moving. But lately, they seemed to have stop working and I have been taking higher doses, so I have quit taking them because I don’t feel so comfortable taking them in such high quantities. but, jdhoward, that defiantly sounds very troubling. Especially since you seem to be so blah and nonchalant about it. Perhaps you should defiantly see your doctor and address this situation so it doesn't continue or before it takes an undesired turn. I know how the irregular patterns of sleep can really make things seem droll and really just kind of throw everything off. I don’t know your situation and I could be wrong, but like grace said, it sounds as if you’re numb. Keep us updated. I hope you figure out what’s going on, get some rest, feel better, and find some sort of relief!
  22. It's funny. I don't even really remember how I found this place, and I just joined a few days ago..hmmm.
  23. Ignoring the broader issues, This is the current list that has consumed me lately. 1) Getting out of bed. It's so difficult to bring myself to crawl out of bed knowing I'm probally going to feel anxious/stressed/depressed all day 2) School. I’m in college and going to class really seems to be stressing me out lately to the point where I've skipped many classes and have fallen far behind. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get kicked out of school by the end of this semester. 3) A recently ended relationship. I think about it constantly and it makes everything seem worse. 4) Work. Going into work is always nerve wrecking. I hate my job and I work my weekends away and work late nights. 5) Returning home after work. This is probably the worst of all. Knowing I am returning home and will be there alone hurts the most. Most times I begin to panic, sometimes I cry, sometimes I just sit there quietly, sometimes I just stare out the window into the dark. In fact, at this moment, I’ve been home from work for about 3 hours and feel incredibly lonely and depressed right now. :verysad3:
  24. I'm the same way. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed for hours, just tossing, turning, thinking, thoughts racing. Distracting myself by listening to music or writing seems to help me feel better, but it still keeps me from getting appropriate amounts of sleep. Something I used to do, as Rainbowstar suggested, is listening to the radio or putting in a cd to listen to and try to go to sleep while listening to it. When I was younger, I used to fall asleep with the TV on, and while it wasn’t a means of coping with depression then, I still do it from time to time. I’ve tried other, rather questionable, approaches, but all in all, tv or music seems to do the trick. I hope you find something that works for you and find a way to deal with this issue or find some sort of relief!
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