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About MrMisery

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    I do epic things and try not to die.

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  1. In these precious moments of clarity, I'm writing this for the days when I'm not clear. Firstly, be calm. Your obstacles are not as big as they seem, the fight that you need to fight is in your mind, the obstacles themselves are tiny. And you are worth more than it may feel, you spend all of your time focused on the things that need fixing, the things that go wrong, and all of the things that could, in part this is survival, but it is a warped perspective. It is not how others view you, or your life, nor how you would view them if they were in your shoes. If it helps, take a minute to look at your life as if it was another's... you might be very proud. Your work is very likely not the best thing you have to offer. Spend your lifetime building what matters to you, pour your time and energy in as long as there is passion. But as much as the journey usually outweighs the importance of the destination, it's the same in your life. It's the daily routine, it's the lives you touch. Don't you ****ing dare tell yourself you don't matter to others, and don't change their lives; I'd write a list but you know the names. I'll bet there's more by the time this letter is of use to you. Be yourself. Protect what you are, at all costs. Be yourself. This is the singular most important thing you can do. Define yourself, and constantly assess what that is, evolve it and grow it, but choose who you will be. Be brutally honest in this assessment, and by the way, whatever problem is looming, if you with all honesty work through it in your mind, chances are it'll fade.. you just need the courage, and let me tell you that I believe you're stronger than the problem. Anyway, who you are is important. And you can define what that is. Your life is a reflection of you... don't hate for what happens, don't fear for what happens, look inside and make your soul a thing of beauty. Spread kindness, in every action. Be you. Be you. Don't cheapen yourself with fear and anger. I know the depths of your loss, I know your pain, I know how unjust it feels.. but believe me, I know the ugliness too... and it's all okay; you had to grow, and that path I don't regret, but you've learned your lessons, you've grown. When disaster strikes, and it will, again and again. That's life. When it strikes, when you lose all faith and hope and nothing matters anymore... be you. Guard what you are, with the last of your strength and beyond, let the single greatest act of courage in your life be holding on to that. As I write this, it sounds selfish... guard yourself at all costs?... If it's not clear, I mean, keep your head, be conscious in your actions. Don't destroy that which you love, keep your head, and the beautiful world around you (even if you can't see it right now) will prosper. Remember it's never as dark as it seems. Remember how easy it is to hurt others and not know it, and to be hurt by others and them not know it. We are all at our core, on a similar path, we are on this journey alone but with so much in common. Don't put words in their mouths, don't read things in their eyes, but know that they'll do that to you, and that's okay... you did it for 30 years before you noticed what you were doing... they can balance it out a bit. Meet them with kindness and understanding. Seek peace. Be incredibly vigilant of your potential to hurt others with a look, or the absence of one, the tone of your voice or fictitious creations of their minds... they're coming from places of confusion and hurt too, we're in this life together. Understand, have empathy. But don't discredit their strength either, given clarity of the situation, most people are incredibly resilient. And when the world ends. When everything you've built comes crumbling down. Polish your shoes. Start with the basics, get that right and build from there. Polish your shoes. Once you've achieved that, build from that one accomplishment everything you love. And put down the drink.
  2. MrMisery

    What Strengths

    This idea keeps circling my mind. The world is a reflection of your mind. It just seems to make sense. Yeah, you can be born with money and privilege, yeah you can be hit by illness. But money isn't happiness or accomplishment, money in large quantities is often more toxic than it's worth. Balance and growth are necessary, or happiness won't accompany it. Illness and injury... a lot of it is in the mind, a lot of it we can work through or around, and we all bare burdens, most of it is in how. I know that may be insensitive, and I mean no offence; we all have our paths and I don't know yours. It seems like the only part of my life that matters is who I am. That's all I can control, and all I need to control. Constant assessment of what's in my mind, and acknowledgment of all the dark painful things I didn't want to know about before. I think the biggest ideas I've come across in the past couple of months are that the most important things I have to offer are kindness and honesty. If my world is to be a reflection of myself; what am I? It's seriously becoming a bigger and bigger thing for me that even when I'm stressed and hurt, my words and actions are caring. If I want to be in control of myself, if I want to be who I want to be, it's a necessity. Honesty is the stranger part of it. The bulk of it is honesty with myself. Working through everything, admitting my mistakes and faults, fears and everything. It sounds weird, but I just want to be me, and defining what makes us ourselves is kind of difficult. Are we our thoughts? Are we our feelings? Our minds, our bodies, do we have a soul? The biggest thing for me right now is being more than the sum of my parts. I am more than impulse, muscle, memory and experience. I am the master of my body and mind. There's just this focus on the idea that when things are good, or things are bad, the fight is internal. The obstacles are internal. That the obstacles around me are not so great, in fact they're often small or nonexistent, it's just that I have spent so much energy pushing against myself... against obstacles I create. It's time for better use of that energy.
  3. MrMisery


    I am doing better. Really, I am. But... I'm struggling too. It's not easy keeping my head above the water. I suppose I should be grateful that for now, I can at least do that. I've got this fear of stagnation. I know how hard life is; I know how easy it is to lose everything. It's a matter of survival. My back is against a wall. Do or die. People looking at my life from a distance would think otherwise, but it's all balancing on a razors edge - I take risks, because I'm scared of stagnation, and I have dreams that seem worth the risk. I feel worthless, lazy, slow... I feel like I'm letting everything I care about slip through my fingers. I feel like I should be achieving something. I feel like I'm letting myself down.... which honestly is an improvement because for a long time I felt I was letting others down, and I've only recently got my shit together well enough that I've got that covered. I had a weird experience today. I'm holidays... two weeks. That doesn't happen, ever. And honestly, it's just time to catch up on things, but things are a bit slower and I get to breathe a bit. Now I love what I do for a living. It's what I think I'm on this earth to do... eh, I'm a winemaker. I dodge saying that most of the time on here. I've started two small companies to help my industry 2 years and 6 years ago... small businesses are hard, and I'm doing that in addition to a full time job. There's pressure, but again, I feel like this is what I'm here to do. You can spend a thousand hours learning something you want to do and still suck at it, and sometimes there's things you can do that just make sense to you... I breathe this, and I can do stuff that some study for a lifetime and can't understand, that usually feels really good. Today I tested a bracket of wines and just the simple act of my brain switching on... I was really relaxed prior, and then all this stress started coming up. That bothers me... It just felt like I'm massively overworked... like I need to stop and go live in a shack in the wilderness for a decade to clear my head. I feel like it's that I'm overworked that is the reason I don't get as much done as I want... sometimes I just go into my shell and hibernate. I need to get to a point of balance in my life... I need to take more time for other things. Honestly, it's 3-4 months until all of the current issues with the businesses will be sorted (it'll all be fine, but I need to be present), but 3-4 months is just before next vintage, which is like 120+ hour weeks for a couple of months... after that though, things should be cruisy. I need to heal. I've been trying to balance that by pushing for more active recovery, as opposed to just shutting down and doing nothing when I have the chance... but honestly, sometimes just going out the front door is hard. Just getting up is difficult. I don't want to say that because I don't want to give it power, but it is a challenge. Hell, I can't go to sleep right now even though it's 2am and I have to be up at 5, because I'm too stressed about tomorrow and I'm on holidays... this isn't healthy. I need to clear my head and think this through... I need to find a way.... You know the sickening thing? I'm talking about dialing it back... I'm going to do the opposite. I'm concerned about my quality of life and one thing I think will help it is to do some regular charity work, and I'll start that very soon. Just a day here and there, but it's another demand. As far as my work, like I said, I feel like I'm stagnating, because I know I could be doing much more... and I'm very tempted to take more on for next year. This isn't even being masochistic, I just genuinely believe there's value in enduring hardship sometimes to gain skill and experience... I also know how damaging stagnation is.... Writing this down I sound sick... I don't know... I don't know.
  4. MrMisery


    I don't think there's any advice I could give that you haven't thought of before. It's hard when you build a life dependent on something, and then try to change. I did that, and I did change, and if I'm honest, it's really weird how people responded. Most of the people who I thought were really close, all we ever did was get pissed together and have lots of parties, we had some epic stories that no one outside of our various groups would ever understand so there was a closeness, but... take away the booze and we don't have anything in common. We rarely see each other, and when we do they're like family (because really, they are to me) but then we're good apart. There are others though, who there's this different reaction to. I never thought I hurt anyone while on the booze, I'm not an angry drunk and I've always believed highly in courtesy and kindness... but I did hurt a lot of people. I haven't done the AA thing of calling people up, but I kind of feel the need to, more each day, if I'm honest. Hurting yourself can hurt those who care about you - and the things you think you hide from them, you really don't. You're also not present when you're drunk half of the time, however seasoned you think you may be... for most of the past decade I was definitely better functioning drunk than sober, but it doesn't change the fact that you're drunk. You miss things. Those people that I feel terrible for letting down, I didn't lose any of them. In fact, there's this look in their eyes when they first realise that I'm different. I haven't made any grand proclamations about changing my ways, but there has been an enormous change in the past maybe two years (more so recently though). There's this happiness. And to be clear, some of the wildest people I have kept too... if they care about you, and you care about them, there's a lot more to it than if you're drinking or not. To be honest, it's surprising how appreciative some people are that you're closer to being okay. I don't know how well I've explained this... The point is, it's scary that such a big change can result in losing people, and I think often does result in that. But relationships are built on a lot more than the ability to get drunk together, and your sobriety can mean the world to some people.
  5. MrMisery


    It's not cowardly to keep hanging on. Whatever small part of you is still clinging on to life, listen to it. There is always hope, and our obstacles are rarely as big as they seem, it's just we're looking at them from a messed up perspective. Ride out the darkest days, better ones will come.
  6. MrMisery


    There is fire left in me. I'm working hard, on everything in my life. But it's not about those things. It's about the challenge, it's about the look that'll be in my eye when people look at me. When there is nothing but the truth of me; I feel I have looked like a coward for a while now, hiding from burdens too heavy to carry, and that worries me. I am trying to bathe myself in fire every day, to forge myself into who I know I can be. When you look in my eyes, I want there to be strength and fire. It seems like my biggest obstacle at the moment is comfort... which seems odd, because there's not a lot of that. But when I take it easy, I don't like what comes out of me. I start giving into fears, and a lot of that fear breeds hate. When I push myself hard enough, either in the gym or in work, there's a rawness to my answers, when I ask myself difficult questions. I'm less afraid.
  7. MrMisery

    I'm Worried

    I feel like I'm on the right path. I believe that I've made some enormous changes over the past couple of months. I even saw immediate changes in my life, and that's great. But there is much more that still needs work, and I'm worried if any time-frame is long enough. I worry if I have the strength to be who I need to be for any of this to matter... by that I mean that if I go back to old habits tomorrow, or fall back into old ways of thinking, those habits and thoughts lead to the life I had... and I don't want to be in that place again. I feel like I'm this state of limbo in the middle of my life... the last time I felt like this, I was about 17-22 years old and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I had vague ideas, but no idea to sink my teeth into, nothing to be willing to spend a lifetime in the trenches for. When I figured that out, I worked really hard for it, and did pretty well, but I didn't know how to handle stress. I had ways, but they were far more damaging than I could see. Now I'm 30. I've got to be honest, I feel 40. I'm in fantastic health - had some hard times a few months ago and I've been on a crazy health kick since. My mental health is about as good as it's ever been as well (I feel kind of guilty posting on a depression forum when I'm doing okay, but understand the thoughts and feelings are still there, they just don't hit as hard right now. I was suicidal less than 2 months ago, and I know that can come right back in a day.). I'm much better at dealing with stress and managing relationships, I'm getting better, I think. But I'm tired. I'm just tired. I don't know if it's my work, or just part of being human. Honestly, I think I'm just getting a bit weak. My big issue with my tiredness is that there's rest that's productive: sleep, go for a walk, catch up with people, etc. But these are rarely the things I do if I'm tired; I just waste time and wonder why I feel terrible afterwards. Anyway, like I said, I've got this feeling that I'm in a state of limbo. It's kind of like, when you're 20, if you do anything even moderately impressive, everyone fills your head with ideas of your potential. Or maybe I filled my own head with it, but one way or another it really fuelled me. Then, you do all of the things you set out to do; and then all at once you find greater mountains to climb, come to an understanding of depravity and deceit of the things you thought were solid, find your limits and invariably some of miriad of tasks you set out to complete remain incomplete, and you panic. Well shit, I just spent a decade tackling this, and have come up empty. If I do the same again, and fail, I'll be 40.... that's a scary idea. Not that it matters; there's always time. I feel like I could do everything I've ever dreamed of and more within a couple of years, if I could just stop fighting myself. Just move without fear, and not be hindered by unreasonable fatigue. Maybe this is an early midlife crisis. But I'm worried. It's not even the time thing, or an age thing. It's more inevitability. Here are the ideas I believe, here are the things that matter to me, and that I'll pour all of my energy into - and if they cannot come to fruition, what does that say about the things that I care most about? And isn't ten years of work enough? If I failed then, isn't that a large enough sample to show that it just wont work? The answer is that this is all irrational. I was drunk and high for most of it. I was young and dumb. I had direction, but only in a very immediate sense. The picture is bigger now. I do more in a day now than I did in 6 months then. I impact more, I change lives, I build things, I build people. That came with just time, training and experience. I did most of this while out of my mind too, and now, for the first time, I'm much more clear... or least sober. I approach things differently. I can't measure the next 10 years against the last, because I was a different person, aiming at different goals. The the other thought that just popped into my mind, that kind of makes all of the above irrelevant, is that I've been thinking a bit recently about goals. (As maybe you can tell). And just re-evaluating what I want. Mostly the goals sound the same, but removing the attainment of things from it. Just, focusing on who I am. Being who I need to be, and letting life reflect that if it will, but not attaching anything to that. I don't know... I'm a little confused right now.
  8. MrMisery


    We all feel like this sometimes. Sometimes a lot of the time. Breathe, slow down and take some time. It's scary and sometimes these episodes take a while to run their course.. this illness is scary sometimes. Know that you're looking at yourself through the lens of illness, and you've got more to give than you're convincing yourself of. It's worth hanging around.
  9. MrMisery

    Who Am I?

    It's a weird feeling. I feel like I know the destination... I know why I'm here, and what I'm here to do. That's been clear for a long time now. But the path... the path has changed so many times. It used to be pragmatic; draw a straight line from A to B. Now it's different, it's about the path... it's about controlling what defines me, and creates me. Spread kindness and peace, instil and nurture passion, and kindness. Who am I, is something I'll ask myself for the rest of my life. As will most of us. But I want to know, when I look in the mirror, that I'm this person that I want to be. That means that on my darkest days, my saddest and most hopeless days, in my hour of greatest despair... my actions will be kind. I will support, help, protect, guide. My biggest goal is peace. But things aren't easy, and I'm going to get knocked around a lot by life. That's the way it is. I need to forge my mind, I need to strengthen my mind. Constantly challenge my limits, just for the fight of it, the growth of it. Today was hard... a lot of days are hard. I'm healing from a lot of mistakes. A lot of years of damage I've done. Look, I can't think of another way of wording that... but it's important to say that I'm proud of those years, I'm proud of who I was and what I did and how I did it, but it was a stage of learning... and I did some damage to myself. Right now I feel as if I'm standing with nothing, my life seems empty all of a sudden. Like something to build on. I think the most important thing is to let go of stuff right now. Let go of expectations, and let go of a lot of the pain. Just be me, and accept and be proud of that. I'm a pretty driven person, and even more so these days, even without all of the things that I thought used to give me fire in my eyes. I'll do ridiculous things, push to obscene limits. I'm not talking about slowing down, I'm talking about speeding up. Life's resistance isn't that much; most of the resistance we find in life is our own creation. Or at least, that has been my experience. I need to focus. Let go of everything; I can't be of benefit, when I show up with all of my pain and fear lacing every syllable I speak. My suffering is absolutely a gift, it gives me understanding and empathy... but I need to accept it, and not let it be my master. Like I said, I'm seeking peace. But that starts internally. It starts with lots of questions, most them hard. It's a journey. It'll take a lifetime. That's another random thought that's brought me a new feeling recently... that we're all on this journey together. There's a lot of people, from a lot of walks of life that I can't understand, and who can't understand me... and that's okay. We think differently. We feel differently. We're on a different stage of the journey. I feel like on a long enough timeline, we'd all end up pretty similar... I'm talking many, many lifetimes of time here, and it kind of assumes some permanence of the soul, but that's a jump of logic or faith that I feel comfortable with for some reason. And if we're all on this journey, whether actively searching for answers or not, we will at some stage, whether now or in twenty years, we'll ask questions of ourselves, our motives, our beliefs, probably give silly answers until we ask it again and again and refine it over time. If we all end up in a similar way, we're all kind of the same, just at different stages, on different paths. I feel a lot more connected to people I have nothing in common with now, and I find myself a lot more willing and eager to connect and understand their side, even as witness from my foreign walk of life. It makes it a lot harder to hate too... and a lot less necessary.
  10. MrMisery

    My Way

    I had a bad day today. This year feels like it's been a test, to see truly where rock bottom lies. I lose all I can, only to discover more to lose. It felt like there was nothing left of me a long time ago. Today I lost some more... and I feel whole. Let me explain... I'm sober, and it's a crazy trip. I spent years chasing a high like this.... this is incredible. It's not that I felt the alcohol was holding me back, it's just that my world view was different, and willingness to work out the ins and outs of my problems was much more limited. Now sometimes there's no choice but to face my demons, without a little liquid courage. Sometimes that means taking a fight with my demons that I'll lose, and learning from that. My pain is immeasurable, it's pulsing through me to a terrifying degree. I've lost so much. I am so hurt. But that's okay... it's happening, but I'm here, and for me right now, that's enough. I exist. That's plenty. I know what's in my heart, I know what's in my soul, I know how simple my problems are and I know how solvable they are. A little bit of clarity often makes things a lot more achievable, and immediately so. What's new is that there's no anger or fear along with the pain... I'm just hurt. But it's a driving force. It's the pain that's enough to scare me and challenge my conviction, and in doing so strengthen my resolve. It's the pain that builds me, not the pain that breaks me. It tests my ability to take a hit to my pride and optimism, and to lose all I thought I had, and to react with calmness and kindness, rather than panic. A chance to prove I'm more than muscle and impulse... I am a soul, defined by time and experience and memory, I am in control. My pain is fuel for progress. Reason to push beyond what were my limits. Pain is a dangerous fuel... but it is fuel. I am not satisfied with my state of life, and I need to change that. I will find peace, I will find happiness, and I will do it as me. Not hiding behind substance and booze, but with earnest thought and work. I will find my way.
  11. I've got things I need to process... And I want to do this sober. I've been slipping a bit today. I've got some heavy things going on (as does almost everyone). My mind has been very cluttered and stressed... the way I've dealt with this in the past, has been to drink. A little fortification of the nerves, and forge on. It made sense, for the longest time. I'm working towards my goals, face a challenge that shakes me, and do whatever is needed to abate the symptoms and keep pushing forwards. I know it sounds silly, but like I said, it felt right. With a certain amount of drive, you get tunnel vision and you're just looking forwards. It's hard to figure out when it's happening too, because you're rarely aware of what you can't see. Anyway, my approach at the moment is a little different.... I wanted to think it through. Figured out is was basically fear of losing something... I've done a lot of losing recently, and the thought is a little terrifying. Still, it seemed like I couldn't clear my mind as long as it was there... this fear that wouldn't go away, and seemed so utterly reasonable. Then I had a different thought... as much as I couldn't afford to lose... if that was what would happen, could I rebuild? Yes, I'm pretty sure I could, and very quickly too. See my whole life has been this exercise in enormous expenditure of energy and effort and largely fighting against myself... I've been my biggest obstacle, or incited my biggest obstacles. To some extent that has been beneficial - I've learned skills, and gained experience, but ultimately I feel I've spent a lot of time pushing against unnecessarily immovable obstacles. If I'm to lose, then I lose. It's going to happen, and there's going to be a threat of losing things I can't afford to lose, over and over again throughout life... that's part of this journey, like it or not, accept it or not. I need a way of coming to peace with it. Somehow, knowing that I'll lose some of the time when I can't afford to, makes it okay. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, and things go the way I want, then that's good... but it's not everything... it has to have the merit I believed it had. Most things are good and bad, and there are a lot of downsides in victory... what matters more is why, how and if it was worthwhile. The biggest shift seems to be going from "succeed at all costs", kind of thinking that if there's no backup plan, no alternative to victory, then you'll fight harder for it, and you'll make it happen. To just wanting to put time and energy into a direction with merit... I've got plenty of capability, and opportunity: I'm alive, I think and I feel. The challenge isn't applying myself, it's applying myself in a way that results in something. Like I said, I've spent lots of years spending lots of energy doing what I thought were incredible things, but they were to create situations that required the same energy tenfold, and with little reward. I had a need for the dogged pursuit of a dream, more than I needed the reality of the dream. That lead to a lot of hardship. I know this is a lot of rambling.... I'm not sure I'm making sense.... but I feel better.
  12. I'm hurting, and that's real. I'm afraid, and that's real too. It seems so horribly unfair that life should have been such a challenge, and be still so empty. That's a real feeling. And a lot of people have it. It's okay. It's not fair, but it's real. For me, right now, the challenge is accepting my situation. Coming to peace with my pain, my suffering, my feelings of hopelessness. All of a sudden this seems so necessary. It's like this enormous amount of baggage I've been carrying around; this enormous weight on my mind that either paralyses me or leads me to dedicate enormous effort to running in circles. Something I'm noticing at the moment is how tremendously simple solutions to my biggest problems are. An honest conversation can achieve a lot... but honesty starts with honesty to yourself, and that's the part I think I've been missing. I'm not okay. I'm pretty far from it, but I'm on a path on which I was previously fighting for months to move an inch, then losing ground rapidly and starting again... now it feels like a purposeful stride. There's not a light at the end of the tunnel, but all around me... the world doesn't feel so dark, in fact, it seems kind of nice. I'm in a weird place right now... I'm sorry if I don't make sense, I am trying. I've been through a few things that have impacted me... I'm trying to find peace with where I am, and be a positive impact on the world around me... I do have the hope that on my journey to peace, my situation may improve but I feel like that's somehow a dangerous thing to be focused on right now. I just want to focus on staying clear, and kind, and not bringing in my frustrations, fears and sadness into everything the way I always have before. I've always considered pain, frustration and fear to be good motivators - something to push against; something to provide fuel when all other motivation and energy runs dry. But they're a lot more dangerous than I used to think, and I think that's a big part of why I've been suffering so much... Instead, I'm wondering if they're not just useful for empathy, and as reminders that you're maybe pushing some boundaries, but otherwise lead to a lot of confusion. I don't know. I'm in a weird place right now.
  13. MrMisery

    Seeking Peace

    The fight is inside. Always is. Our world, is a reflection of ourselves. Always is. I'm trying to let go of things... my need to prove myself, my need in relationships, my anger at things I can't and don't want to control, my fear of time and people and the percepti... just a lot of things that don't have a place. I just want to be present, for once in my life. Don't come at things with anger, or defiance... it's not about dropping my guard, because when I've got my guard up I'm far more likely to get hit, and far less able to adapt to it... I'm far better off calm and clear. That's easier said than done. But it's also necessary. I've spent too long running in circles. I just want to look around, and do the best I can with where I am. I just want to be me, and not focus on what people think of that. Just be conscious in my actions. I'm sorry about how many times I'm saying "I", but that's where it starts. That's what I can control. I know I probably sound high, but this is sobriety and it's far trippier.
  14. MrMisery

    Reality Sets In

    Someone said something a while back that hit home with me "it's never as good as it seems, and it's never as bad as it seems", I kind of like that. We've got this way of sensationalising everything. Even with fear and hope. As much as the low points were not as hopeless as they felt, the same reality hits in when I finally find wind in my sails... fatigue, time and money constrains, and sometimes just the odd dose of bad luck. What felt like a sprint a couple of weeks ago, feels like a battered march through knee-deep waters now. But I've still got conviction, and I've still got hope. Look where I was 7 weeks ago. The only path, the singular option that I believed I had, was suicide. I made some small changes, I did that. How much was any of it worth? Not a lot. But I've got hope. I can see that I can do something, that I can still affect change. I will find purpose and hope, even in their absence. I've got new goals that I'm setting for myself. I still need to keep up the changes I made in the past few weeks, but now the goals are a little bigger. A little more focus on work, a little more focus on my personal life, lining up charity work. Keep breaking down how I treat others, and seeing how I can be a better person, a positive influence. To be honest I'm not really feeling so great right now - I'm just down, that's all. I've had a few times where things have hit me pretty hard over the past couple of weeks. Sometimes bad luck hits you know, but chin up, and do work. The other really important thing in all of this is sobriety... I've got things I need to process, and I need to do this sober. I need to feel everything.
  15. I think my mental health is improving... I don't know, it's complicated, but let me try to explain. I've been struggling a lot, and I stopped and started being willing to meditate on what was really wrong. It was all surface anger and pain.... and that surprised me, I was sure that it ran much deeper, and I was so sure of it that I was walking around with my guard up all of the time trying to defend myself from any new pain because I didn't think I could deal with it. Which made things harder to deal with. Part of it was issues with a relationship ending. I don't really have a good way of explaining it, without sounding cold. But it was a relationship I needed, but with the wrong woman. It's surprisingly easier to let go, having realised that. To be honest, I always knew that... it's just, it took time to be able to accept it. Like I said, I needed the relationship... I've been in a weird place, okay. I'm also sober (and have been for about 5 weeks), which is one of the first times that's been really true in my adult life. I feel like I can take on the world. And I've been doing everything I need to do in order to put myself in a position to do just that... but take everything away, and I think I'll still be fine. Just give me existence; I'll do the rest. Maybe that's a temporary feeling, but I'm liking my ability to change things, and to make real differences in my life. I'm improving things at a ridiculous rate, and as much as I think I should take smaller steps... I don't want to. I want to do more. I feel like I've been stagnant for a long time. And objectively, that's not true. But I've been sleepwalking through my life, just following the motions. A lot of success is just showing up, and I had a lot of infrastructure in my life that lead to progress... but I didn't have a fire in my eyes, and anything I did was fairly empty and a shadow of what it should have been. To be honest, I'm going to the gym at 3 every morning, and doing a couple of hours of admin work before starting my day just purely so that I have that fire. So that when I feel questioned, I know what's behind my actions, and that there was a verifiable act of strength already in my day. I'm not saying I'm healthy - far from it. But I'm coming back... and that has seemed so far away for a long time now. Relationships, health, work and finances were all crushing weights on me, and now I feel pretty good about my ability to grow them. I feel like if I lost where I am now, I could start from nothing and build up.... like they're more a reflection of my state of mind than anything... as weird as that sounds. Be good internally, and honestly and openly work towards things and they're not that hard... it's the fight with ourselves that drags us down. That's nothing new, I'm just used to being stuck in that fight. What confuses me right now, is what to do on the side. I want to do something to help with mental illness, and I don't know how my skills or background are of any use to that, but I'm looking into it.
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