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About MrMisery

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  1. MrMisery

    Facing Challenges

    I'm in a bad way. And that's okay. That's part of life, particularly with this particular burden that I have to carry. We all have our burdens, and this is mine, and it is not without it's benefits. There is a drive that comes from suffering. I must admit, I've become very resentful in this past year or so, about my health. I've worked very hard for a long time and done so much and my state appears to be the same as it used to be. But that's not true. I am a lot further along this journey, and a lot more capable as a result. What I need to do, above all else, is fight this fight internally. It's not external - it never was. I've got the external sorted, and it's only at risk when my mental health dips substantially. The fight that I've got to fight is in my mind. It always is. Find the positive in things. Don't project my depression on others... by this I mean, to not put words in peoples' mouths, speaking of how horrible I am. Respect my own strength, and intelligence. Trust myself. Honestly, if I wake up tomorrow with a clear head, the world is mine and everything I've ever dreamt for, aimed for, worked for, bled for, is here. This is what winning feels like. Congratulations, you did it all. The flip side is that if I wake up tomorrow defeated, I have nothing, because I can destroy everything so quickly, and I can be so incapacitated by negativity and fear. It's not going to be easy. I am in a truly dark and scary place right now, with my health, and I have enormous pressure on my shoulders. But I am, if I am honest with myself, both scared of, and capable of handling it. Breathe. Slowly. Breathe.
  2. MrMisery

    27 Minutes

    We’ll draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. The days are dark. Great. It’s something push against. You don’t do anything great when you’re comfortable, you need a driving force, something that needs to be changed. This time I do it cleaner than I did before. There’s no caving to substances, they’re a short term fix at best. And I’d rather feel the hurt, raw like this. I won’t rob myself of that. Give me reward for my work. Give me hardship. Doesn’t matter, either way my path is the same. My actions are the same. Bring the world down on me. Won’t change a thing. Let everyone else think what they will. Let my mind warp that, however it will. What am I. What do I know that I am. Let’s focus on that. Let’s build on that. Bring the world, and all of its challenges. I am waiting, and I am ready.
  3. It's been a dark couple of years. I'm trying to find an ounce of positivity. I just don't see the point. Summon up a little more strength, and soldier on... but why? Why the **** does it matter. What does anything matter? I keep telling myself the biggest reason I'm still walking around is because of the people who'd be hurt by my ending it all. Do they care? Is that what's in my head? Is there a reason I feel like I'm almost walking alone in life, am I toxic human being, that no matter what good I do in the world it just won't matter next to this inherent trait. Am I just giving in, or is this what's always there, and it's just accepting reality. Why.... why... I'll do anything. I'll take on anything. Let's do it all on my weakest day, let's do it for ****ing laughs. Just let there be meaning, let there be a point. If my actions don't matter, if my choices don't matter, if it's all an uphill battle with no point... I'm ****ing tired. I don't want to be this negative person, but I've done enough. I've been strong enough. Just let me see that it matters, that what I do makes a difference that matters... I feel like no matter what I contribute to the world around me, no matter how many people are leaning on me, no matter what, I'm a waste, and any other human being by nature of just existing is special in some way because hey, you're here, and that's enough, that's something amazing that deserves support and help to make the most of a thing. **** this illness. **** this illness. What the **** is wrong with me. How do I find peace. How do I change a damn thing. Why does any of this ****ing matter. ****. I'm fighting as hard as I can.... and I'm going backwards... and I'm trying to hide this fight from everyone, because it's not fair they share the burden..... I'm their strength, not an added burden. I'm falling apart here.... I'm spiralling .... I'm done now.... but damn, it's looking close. ****. What do I have to do to change the course I'm going....
  4. MrMisery

    Before The Dawen

    I'm struggling. A little bit. Honestly, I seem to be spiralling downwards at a speed that frightens me. I'm doing what I can to heal, but... I wonder if it's that I don't have enough time for it, or if I've got too much pressure on me, or if this would be happening anyway. I've had three episodes this year where I've very nearly ended my life. What's scarier is that they were all in the past 2 months. That should be a warning sign. The weird thing is that things are honestly getting better. I've had a few very hard few years building back from a bit of a downfall. I'm at the end of that process, and honestly I'm as close to comfortable in life as I think I'll ever be (this isn't intended as a negative, too much prolonged comfort is as dangerous as anything else, you need challenge). But, I still have a ridiculous workload. And honestly, I'm going from 120 hours a week to 70 hours a week and wondering why I'm not healing. I do feel more energetic... but there is a toll. Maybe it's that simple. I need to get this to a point where I can do 50-60 hours a week for most of the year, and use that as breathing space. It's doable. I could nearly do it now if my head were clear enough and I had the time to set things up. That's just the start of it though. There are other issues. I asked myself recently what I want out of life. What's the plan, what's the goal. It's going to take a lot of work, and a lot of years, but I think it's important. But things won't be easy. I suppose I just need to make sure I have a support network around me - and that's not something I'd considered, normally it's me as the support... that's a big part of why these episodes where I get close to the edge bother me... because whilst I know the people who depend on me will find another way... I know it'd be hard. I do a lot for some people, because I care, but also because I need to convince myself that I'm not a bad person, that I contribute. I maybe need to focus on building that network a bit... it might just be as simple as being more honest about my issues... but I don't like doing that. As an example, a couple of friends who know about my issues, every time I call or text, I'm pretty sure they worry if I'm about to end it all and am calling for help. I wouldn't do that (not that people shouldn't, it's just not in me), but they know I might need to. That's too much burden to put on someone. Especially if I just want to grab a drink and catch up. The other issue is that I want to start a family. That means a lot of things. A lot of those things involve me having to deal with some of my issues that scare me. The obvious is my problems with commitment. I'm scared, and I'm scared of letting someone down... I'm not up to that. I've always had the feeling that I might not be here in a year... how could I raise kids like that? A lot of it comes to down to the fact that I need to heal. I need to take some time to stop and slow down. Breathe a little. I'm scared, and I'm hurting, but if I'm honest, with a relatively clear head right now, I do believe this is the last bit of darkness before the light of dawn. Good things are coming; a small measure of resilience is required to get there, but things will get better. I believe that. I know that. I just need to breathe. Sometimes it's hard to remember that, when I'm at my worst. I need to breathe.
  5. MrMisery

    Conquering Demons

    They used to be more impressive. Substance abuse and rampant alcoholism are more impressive battles, but I think we're through that and have been for a long time. Now that I see things through more sober eyes, I realise problems that I never used to know. Things like my paranoia - I always assumed there was just a lot of the world that didn't like me. And to some extent, that's always going to be true for anyone but there's a very large portion of it where I'm the one bringing those thoughts, not the people I project upon. I feel on a very deep level that people hate me, and I often just shut things down and try to tackle things solo and in harder ways than I have to, just because I don't consider that maybe people can be rational and reasonable. This may sound easy to change, but it's pretty deeply ingrained. I need to tackle some situations I'm not comfortable with. That's not going to be easy, but it's important. To expand on this, I need to look at myself rationally. I'm actually quite proud of myself and internally think I'm a good person; but the issue is that I assume everyone else sees a disgusting, horrible person when they look at me and this fictional person is something I can't change and have always considered myself to be in the eyes of others. This is maybe a clumsy explanation, but it's the best I can do. I need to keep pushing for more realism and reason in my own thoughts. Financially I need to be an adult at long last - I've always been crazy focused on work, but as that's taxing I've also always burnt a stupid amount of money partying. Even the past year where I've dialled that back enormously, I still don't really have that off switch with money that a person should, I'm just spending it on more boring things. It's always kind of felt like if I put myself in a spot where I can't get through, it'll give me the drive to do bigger and better things and earn more. That's lead to some tough times, but it has also lead to me accomplishing a lot that I otherwise couldn't. Necessity, and urgency, are useful tools. But I'm not a kid anymore. I need to gain some stability. And part of being an adult is being able to find the drive to do things when the stimulus isn't necessarily there; you've got to do what you've got to do. I also need to eat better. This is pretty standard, I guess. But I'm just talking small changes here. Overall I'm usually in pretty good health. I just want to make a small adjustment. Reduce sugar, increase vitamins. That's it. The whole point is to take the edge off of whatever problem comes next, just another 1% nudge in a better direction. The other big one is I need to rest, and value rest more. I said that I'm usually in good health... I'm in pretty bad health right now. Some pretty serious lung issues, because I've worked myself too hard. This is a crazy time of year where 90-120 hour weeks are part of life, and I don't regret that. But it's been a couple of months of it, and I'm so unbelievably weak and vulnerable to every potential illness and injury as a result. That's life, I guess. But I now need to take a minute to heal. I also, as a general principle, need to slow down. Moderate things, and tackle things in better health. Don't push through as much. If I want to get to a destination, the most direct path is often the fastest, but if it's too difficult it can result in so many disasters and setbacks... a clearer head will probably get me further. These are the fights I need to fight if I want a better life. I believe.
  6. MrMisery

    What am I to do?

    What am I to do? I have given everything. I have done everything I can, and more. I am extremely tired. I am extremely depressed. I am usually this way. I wonder if I am stupid, if all of my ideas and choices are wrong, and that's why things are this way - This is incorrect, and there's no reasonable argument for that. But the feeling persists. I wonder if I am inherently a bad person, and just don't see what I am doing that is so evil and disgusting that the world hates me so passionately. - This... I don't know, I have done everything I can for so many people for so many years. There is a point where I have to stop and ask what is there left to give? I have been trying to prove to myself that I am a good man, and I don't know what there is left to do... but I feel hated by strangers. I know I am loved by a few people, and for that I am enormously grateful. But I also feel hated by everyone who doesn't know me; it has always felt like there is a mark on my face that indicates I am the devil himself, and that there is absolute justification to despise, and inflict harm upon me. I don't know what to do about that, but it is a feeling that has so far lasted for my lifetime.
  7. MrMisery

    The Truth

    Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky. But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes. I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it wasn't that big of a deal; a place my mind had been, and moved on from. To my friend, it was a risk of losing me suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm starting to realise that maybe the reason my illness flares up so much is the challenges that I put myself through. I work crazy hours, and always have. It's absolutely time to start prioritising rest and balance. There is value in taking on challenges, and stretching to do anything put in front of you... but, there is a limit. Health matters - mental and physical. Same story for the rest of my life. I'm sitting at home at the moment and I look around and everything is cheap/broken/held together by duct tape, it took me until my late 20's to own a couch or table because they weren't priorities to me, even now my home is more office than home. I need to balance this. Comfort and rest is relevant. Balance is important. I have so much in life. I have so many wonderful people in my life, I am healthy, I have a good career. It's time to stop fighting for bigger and better things, and instead to make here and now better. I've made my sacrifices, endured my challenges. Let's stop taking the hard road, lets take scenic road and stop six times on the journey. There is a better day, and I don't think it's at the end of the tunnel anymore. I think it's here, and I've just stayed blind to that - always too focused on rushing ahead.
  8. MrMisery


    Today has not been easy. I had some plans for today. I had run my race... and that was that. It's been rough. I still don't know what the plan is for tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep moving. Even today I don't have time to spend on this; I have too many commitments that I can't just drop. But here I am, sidelined with this illness. I wonder if I should stop everything and say that enough is enough, I need time to heal. But I wont, and honestly I can't. About the only thought that has kept me holding on is the lives I'd hurt by not being here. That sounds arrogant maybe; but putting a lot into helping others has been my way of trying to convince myself that I'm not a horrible person. I don't know though. I've tried. I've tried. It hasn't been through a lack of action, or fear of taking on new challenges. I've done it, I've pushed every boundary and repeatedly faced every fear just to prove to myself that they're not my master. Again, that sounds arrogant, but I've viewed this as a fight for a long time, and whilst there were once years of inaction, there has been a decade of crazy progress in every measurable sense since. I've pushed my boundaries. I've achieved the goals I set. I am unhappy. I suspect I am broken in a way that will never be fixed. I am unhappy. I am in pain. If I go on, I need to change that. I am not gritting my teeth and pushing through this. I need to change it. There has to be an angle I haven't tried. There has to be something I haven't done. There has to be a way. I will find a way. I will heal.
  9. Feelings change, and are rarely predictable. I thought I might be at that illusionary finish line; having accomplished everything I set out for so long ago. I felt really good. Then the weight of the world comes pouring into my soul. I'm not feeling all that good right now. The problem is that I've pretty close to done everything that I thought might make me happy. And yeah, it's not that simple. Happiness isn't that tangible, but I thought I could nudge things in the right direction. If I created a positive environment, I might have more happy days. Then why do I feel like this. I thought also that maybe the reason I hated myself so much, and doubted myself so much, and thought everyone else saw the same horrible creature that I see when I look at me; maybe the reason for all of that was because I wasn't sure if I was a good person. I've been pushing at that for a long time though. I think I've always been a good person, but a growing one too. But in the past year, I've worked hard and made many sacrifices to help many others. I've made very tangible differences in peoples lives. Yet I am still certain that I am a horrible human being. A disgusting piece of filth of society. I don't want to be around people at all. I just want to shut the world off. But then I'm stuck with me, and that's undeniably worse. I've got this thought, and I've had this thought for a while now, that I'm very much nearing 30. Which doesn't bother me, but it is nonetheless a milestone. What I'm doing professionally at the moment could easily be a masterpiece, the centrepiece of all my work. One last great thing that I created, that can't be replicated, and no one else could have done. I've been thinking this for quite a while. It'd be really tempting to just get things done, and say I gave this life a shot for 30 years, and now I'm done. Finito. But that's not what's going to happen. I'm not done, and I know it. There is a beautiful world that I imagine in my mind. It never goes away; it just feels more distant sometimes. There is a way to make it real. There is always a way. I've been fighting this fight externally. I didn't want to focus inside; not because I was scared. I've done this before; there's no demon in my mind great enough to be worth worrying about. But I've been scared of losing the time. Say I meditate, then I'm literally doing nothing. I haven't been that still in a long time, and I've got things to do. But it's better than checking out early I guess. So let's change this fight. We'll keep working towards a better day, the same way I have been. Grinding out one more positive step at a time. But now it's time to take this fight inside as well. Funny how rarely the answers are external.
  10. MrMisery

    What am I

    My father said something years ago that stuck with me. I'm from a very unique family (aren't we all), who seem to live their entire lives with everything on the line. Biting off more than we can chew, is in our blood. I was complaining about not having time, or something like that, and he told me that if I wanted my life to be easy, to stop. Work 9-5. Play golf on weekends and get fat. Find a nice girl and settle down. If you want life to be easy, then don't invest yourself in everything you do. Don't love anyone, or anything, and pour yourself into it. You'll get hurt 100% of the time. The thing is, that my life is built on the idea that the hurt and suffering is a small price to pay; so I keep diving in further, in everything. The hurt builds up. That approach to life, paired with lifelong depression, is hard. And I feel like an unbelievable wimp in saying that. It's a situation I create myself, I know that. But I am what I am. To attempt to be any other way, would make the depression even worse, I think. I've been struggling a lot this year. On a level I hadn't struggled in a long time. Part of that is a much more consistent level of sobriety. I think there was a solid 9 years there were I was probably never completely sober; 12-18 months after that, you'd expect to be still adjusting and re-evaluating things you once thought you knew. Part of it is just random. This illness will hit back sometimes, for no apparent reason, that's life. But it's been a battle. And a messy one, to a degree I'm not comfortable talking about. I've been struggling. It's not a question of what to do - I know the things I need to do; I've detailed them in almost every post so far. The question is whether or not I have the will to push through the mental barriers to doing those things. The deeper question, is whether I think it's worth it or not. Which is, in this case, another way of saying whether I'm worth it or not. Today is a good day. Today, I'm ready to fight the fight. Let's make tomorrow one too.
  11. MrMisery

    Turning Point

    It's time to step up. I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person. I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse. This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked about the boot on my foot, I just told them these are my dancing shoes. I worked 130-137 hour weeks, for 8 weeks straight, to start my business. That's the hardest I've ever had to work, and now with things expanding I know I might be in for worse in the next few months, but I know its worth it, and I know I did that when I was seven years younger, with all of the inexperience and weakness that comes with that. I fought hard, and that doesn't even scratch the surface. I did the work. Now I'm spending most of my time wanting to throw it away. Why? Because, I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person. Not for anything I've done, but because there is something inherently wrong with me. There is no rationality. I just feel that the entirety of the world wants me gone, because there is something wrong with me. Any tiny thing goes wrong, or I'm alone with my thoughts for five minutes, and I want to put an end to it all. That's not what this is. This illness will not conquer me. I will not break to it. There is one simple fact that I'm going to acknowledge as absolute fact: I am a good person. I wont allow myself to question that when in the midst of depression, I have proven the opposite enough. I'll take luxury of that, and I'll build from there. Obviously this isn't an illness you can shrug off, and I do believe I'll be fighting it for my entire life, but this does have to be a turning point. Today, this hour, this minute, has to be a turning point. This cannot continue. It's time to clean up my act, and start taking every little win I can, every little positive I can build in my life I need to build. I need to make this better, whatever the path to that may involve.
  12. Things aren't easy right now. Kind of spent most of today white-knuckled trying not to end it. I feel pretty poorly about myself, and I've done everything I can to try and remind myself that I'm not that bad. I've done a lot of very good things for a few people recently, I know there's a lot of appreciation there, but it doesn't matter. Logic doesn't matter in this. I am the worst human being on the face of the Earth, and I make the immediate assumption that everyone in the room instinctively wants to end me just to get rid of me. It's really hard crossing a street, when you're absolutely certain that every driver wants to run you over on a basic instinctual level. But you control your breath, and keep moving forward. It's also really hard holding down a relationship when you're certain that anything that isn't abject hate is a lie. But same story right, you have to work through it. One step at a time. Still, I've always a policy for times like this. When the world ends, you polish your shoes. Go back to basics, pick a simple task that you can accomplish and get it right. We'll build the world on that small start. But I've got to be honest, I'm not up to even something that simple right now. Right now, it's just time to grab a strong drink and hang on to what strength is left. First ten minute break in this though, and I'll be polishing my shoes. Tomorrow, we build on that.
  13. MrMisery


    I want to be strong. I want to get through this, like it was nothing. Too many people that I love have been falling down over these past few years. I guess the people I get closest to tend to push limits, and that results in some pretty impressive downfalls. This has bothered me for a long time, and when at my best I think of building my company to a point where I can employ people like this. Give some security, a net that will catch them. And the empathy to know what it's like. And the support to shoot for the ****ing stars when life swings that way. It's a whimsical idea, but I think I'll get there soon enough. I want to be the guy who did amazing things, and who does them routinely day to day, like it's nothing, and did it with burdens no one knew about. I want to make myself an example to those I love, that things can be done and that our limits are far beyond where we think they are. Then I fall down so low that survival is a ****ing horrific fight from hour to hour. It's messy and it's ugly and I don't know if I can keep my head above the water. It's hard, and I've gotten to a point where I know I can't take this weight alone. But I'm not capable of sharing my burden, because that's not who I am. Work out, work, be good to be people, sleep, wake up and go again. I guess I've proven that as hard as it's been I have been capable of keeping that up, so maybe I need to improve my diet a bit, and get out a bit more. Every inch in the right direction counts, and if I keep taking another inch then maybe getting through this will seem achievable, someday soon.
  14. MrMisery

    Keeping on moving

    I know the following post makes no coherent sense, but that's really where my mind is right now. A million thoughts swimming around my head, battling with each other and screaming to be the thought that's heard. It's a mess, and so am I. Fighting the fight isn't always glorious. Most frequently, it's not, and it feels like losing every step of the way until you look back on it when it's done. Whilst that's the way things feel right now, I guess that's the same story as my life. Lots of battling and feeling like you're losing, and then you realise that you've done everything you set out to do and much, much more. This is what winning feels like, this is what victory feels like, this is what I made all of the sacrifices for... and I feel like this. It's really tempting to give up, and I am heavily impaired by these thoughts and this illness, but I'm not going to cry in defeat. If I weep, it'll be with my feet dragging me forwards. There is a better day coming, there is everything I've been fighting for and it's just around the corner, and I'm going to get there, and I'm not going to waste it. The definition of insanity may be repeating the same task over and over again and expecting a different result, but **** the world, perseverance is most of what I have to offer and I'll spend every last bit of it.
  15. MrMisery

    Day one

    Things aren't easy right now. This illness hits like a freight train sometimes. I've got very dark thoughts rushing through my head. I've thought about ending myself a few hundred times today, and I instinctively want to be away from people because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am, and my life is. It's an illness. Thoughts that aren't backed up by anything, but they're fed to me by my brain, which I need to be able to trust, and I cannot. Then I guess I cannot, and I'll need to find a way to work around that. Today I woke up, worked out, did my book work, pulled around a twelve hour day at work, spent a couple of hours hanging out with a woman who's starting to mean a fair bit to me. It's a good day I guess. The work out was good too; for some reason my numbers have gone up despite not having worked out in months... maybe I'm just more emotional now, and that's helping? I don't know, you've got to take the small victories I guess. I've got a migraine too, and have had for the past many hours. There's this torrential downpour of horrible thoughts I'm trying to keep at bay, and my head is aching as a result. So I'm losing right now, that's fine, that's part of it. Minimise the damage, and push through, wait until things swing in the other direction and keep building every little positive element of my life that I can to help bring more positive things in. I'll lose if I have to, for as long as I have to, and I'll use that suffering as a driving force to keep me going. Come at me.
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