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MrMisery

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About MrMisery

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    Senior Member

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Australia
  • Interests
    I do epic things and try not to die.

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  1. I'm in a bad way. I believe I just need some time to heal through it, and I'll be okay. Hold my nerve for a minute, and I'll survive this bout. But I've been thinking. I don't know that this is an unhealthy way of being. I suppose it's not healthy... maybe more reasonably, it's not a irrational way of being. Life is ****ing miserable. That's the reality. We're born alone, we die alone. Every day we fight for survival, against a world that ultimately doesn't support our life. Our actions are futile, without deeper meaning, and that deaper meaning can only be perceived by us and other people.... and it's so easily skewed. What we today hold as beautiful and meaningful, we next year distance ourselves from. I'm not going anywhere. I've got things that I want to do. But damn... I'm not here because I want to be. I'm here because I think I can create something worthwhile in this world, I think I can have a beautiful impact on it; I think I can enrich lives. Put forth the beauty in my soul, in the form of my work, my art, and use my actions to spread as much kindness as I am able, to ease the pain of others and strengthen others. But I am here, for a temporary purpose. To do my work and go. This life is ultimately suffering. Is that so irrational? I look around at the people around me, and I am not envious: I would not live their lives. I would only barely live my own. I am not here to just exist. I am here for everything or nothing. But the older I get, the more everything looks like a lie. I need to escape this depression.
  2. MrMisery

    When I'm Weak

    I'm vulnerable now.... I'm worn down, and I'm at my lowest. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge. Today I had someone screaming about me... they've never spoken so much as a word to me. They just know my name.... and expected... I don't know what. But to them, I am the devil. I am not the evil you perceive. I wish you no harm, I am here to help if I am able... I don't need anything in return. I care about you, because you exist... you have a soul, conscious thought and a plethora of feeling and experience, that makes you the beauty I want to build in this world. I am not the devil. People hate me sometimes.... a lot of the time actually. It's always strangers... that's not to imply anything, it's just the way it unfolds. I've kind of suspected this is my illness convincing of things, putting words into peoples mouths. Maybe that's true to some extent, but that it hurts when it gets reinforced. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge these days. I'm close to checking out. It's hard hanging on. I don't hate you. If you see evil in me... it is not coming from me. We just misunderstand each other, if we give it a moment, and speak a little, we'll find something that isn't hate. I'm sorry for any harm I cause.... please understand that I have done my best to cause none... I am sorry if I have failed you in that.
  3. MrMisery

    Building

    I had a bad night the other night. Haven't been that low in a while. I think my mind and body are coming back from it a bit, but I've got to be honest, even clear and calm... I want out. Kind of setting the target as a set date a few months into next year. I'm tired, and I've tried enough. I'm tired. But, if I'm here, I want to do something epic with it. Do or die, because really.... why not? It doesn't take courage if there's no downside... it's just existing. I've got a bit more clarity now. I'm getting more done as a result. I'm clearer. Please don't take my words as any suggestion as to how you should handle anything similar. This is my walk in life. Yours is different, and your own.
  4. MrMisery

    Back here again

    The truth is that you need to stay composed. You may not, and that's okay... but you need that composure at some point. You need to work through it. But there's time. You're probably going to fall sometimes, and that's okay. There's time. Stay strong. Hold you direction; it seems like a good one. Know that there are people to listen, when you need to vent. This world isn't darkness... we want you to heal.
  5. MrMisery

    Second depression

    It's never a walk in the park. Don't belittle your past battles. It took courage to get through. This new, and greater challenge you face, is something you can face. And sometimes these struggles are a good thing. They give us strength, and more than that, they give us empathy. Not sure if these words are of any use... but hey, here they are. Maybe I'm just crazy.
  6. MrMisery

    Give Me Tonight

    I'll be what I need to be every other day. Give me a moment to grieve. I was going to check out on the 14th of March. Didn't. Can't really remember how I didn't... think it was people.... people who'd have problems if I wasn't around. Focussed on making a smooth transition, out of life. That was my main focus for a few months. I was going to check out in late June. I was really done.... I don't want to talk about it..... I was done.... I grit my teeth, and went on a crazy self-improvement bender since. It's 16th of November. I've been off the booze.... living in the gym.... spending far more productive time on my various businesses.... seeing a lot of changes. My life changed immeasurably. A little bit of self love, and self focus, and growth, and willingness to consciously work through my problems rather than hiding in booze.... felt like I was on a crazy, unbelievable high for a long time.... don't get me wrong, it was hard... it was a hell, a lot of the time, but I felt great being able to work through things and see the world through views I never had before. I was doing a lot of work to improve myself.... but the biggest weapon in all of it.... was always kindness. That's what I wanted to build. Give love to the world around you, and let it reflect it back if it will.... but just give it for the necessity of that being me.... That was the biggest part of it. Still is, if I hang around. Had my heart broken a couple of times over those few months by the same woman.... honestly, that's a gift, better to be without her.... doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I don't want to talk about the state that my heart has been in for the past decade or so.... I don't want to talk about that, because it's too depressing. It's not in a good state. Put my heart in someone I needed.... needed, and probably loved, but loved because I needed.... I don't know... better off without her. So I've got a couple of bottles of whiskey sitting next to me. Going to sit in the dark and get drunk listening to my favourite song about ending one's life. I've just been trying to be a better man.... trying to be kinder, and a better influence on the world around me.... people are hurting so much.... There's a kid who works for me... Has for over a year now... came to me a balanced adult.... worships the ground I walk on, because I've done shit and people talk about shit.... kid's life has fallen apart, but kind of in a way of welcoming freedom kind of thing... sometimes you need to break things down, to rebuild in a better and healthier way.... he thinks he's on the rebuild.... honestly, I think that's a lot further off than he thinks... but I think he's on the right path.... better to live a day as a lion, than a thousand years as a sheep.... I've never really believed that.... but it's better to live a day, than to hide from life for a lifetime.... be you... exist... But come to me whole, and lose everything... and I have to question myself..... I have existed. I have made a mark on so many lives.... because I'm alive. Look in my eyes, and you'll see fire every second of every day. Am I toxic... am I a poison.... if so, is that poison necessary? How ****ed up am I really? Do I have enough whiskey? You know I'm alright.... I mean, I'm a ****ing creap sitting in a dark apartment, drinking and talking about ending one's life.... I'm the kind of person you should usher your children away from on the street, because I'm poison to balance.... But I'm alright... I've done good things... on my worst days, I change lives for the better, inspire people to great things.... I help people, at my own loss... because I love people.... I love the world, the universe... everything... I want to be a force for what's positive and beautiful... Part of the human experience is constant fighting for survival... our continued living is hard... we need to eat, we need to sleep, we need a roof over our heads... stop moving, stop fighting for survival and it ends.... that gives a negative perspective... What am I? I think I know, sometimes... but right now, I just want to sit in the corner and cry. A lifetime of failure. Letting people down. Not living up to expectations, except those that don't matter. I've carved a crazy path of brilliance in life... I've done impossible things... none of it matters. I'm sad.... on a level that doesn't seem to heal. There's something wrong with my mind... I'm hurting... I'm hurting... I can be strong, I can fight through.... but I'm in so much pain. One truth I've always liked, is that when you really look at it.... I'm not angry... I never have been.... what I sometimes think is anger, is this incredibly thin veil over sadness. I'm just sad... I'm not evil. I live. I love. I care. I want was is good for all things... I want to create beauty in this world. Fill everything with love and kindness. I want something a lot stronger than whiskey... right now, I kind of don't want to feel.... Part 2 Yeah ****ers... Round 2. The alternative was wandering the streets finding somewhere to die.... So ****... Round 2 bitches. I just want to say... and I can't say it... I want to say I hate the people who need me.... and I don't... I love them... I love them with beyond all of my heart... when there is nothing left of me, my love and care for those in my life will live on. It will not fade. I'm a piece of shit, but I have fortitude and if death can stop that, come at me bro. I'm not leaving those I love. but I do hate it.. I hate that I can't go.... I'm in so much pain. So in Australia at the moment, it's Movember. Grow a mustache, or shave a mustache, or whatever, for mental illness recognition. It's great. Good work. Support people. One thing I have trouble with, is that there's this surface level idea that we care about mental illness. And we do. But... If I say today, that I want to **** myself. You'll care, because you're not a horrible person. If I say the same tomorrow,, you'll care, because you're not a horrible person. In a week... you'll still be there. In a month... why the ****, is whatever help we sought not enough. And stop calling me..... And every night, when silence hits... is he alive? Call me... tell me you're here. Answer my text. Answer my missed call. Are you okay? Tell me you're alive. Show some sign.... please. ... I don't want to put you through that. I'm not going to say it... But... just for reference.... I'd hear the call, a hundred thousand times, and not grow tired. I get... Shit takes time... Our minds are crazy complicated, we can't solve it overnight. Sit on a bridge every night, and I'll hear it. But I can't expect you to do that same. I wont make you do the same.... ****, I'm going for a walk... I'm not going to chec kout, I justt need time. For realsies. I'm not going anywhere. Promise, wouldn't leave with a promise unfulfilled.
  7. MrMisery

    I Am

    I am, a lot of things. I am struggling. I am lost. I know I am not alone in this, even though it often feels like I am. I am unique, and capable of things that no one else is. I belittle what I do, I deny what others see in me. I focus only on where I fail. I have an illness that eats at my soul - I am blessed with perspective, because of this. I am not lazy. I am not slow. I am not stupid. I exist. I think. I feel. I am growing. I am learning. I am pouring my heart, my soul, my tears, my sweat and my blood into everything I do. I will leave nothing in reserve. I may be happy. I may be miserable. I am me. I will live as that. I will nurture that. I will grow.
  8. MrMisery

    taking it in

    I'm trying to hold on, but it's not easy. I'm trying to carry my burdens, and I'm trying to carry plenty that I shouldn't have to. I'm meant to be the strength that holds people up, and I'm taking the weight of their troubles, and piling it on mine... I'll be the good guy, or I'll be the bad guy.... I'll be whatever their emotional state says I am. I'm just here trying to help... and if I'm the bad guy... so be it, I guess. But you've got to understand that I've got an illness that flares up sometimes... I'm getting suicidal urges again. Roaring through my mind like a freight train. But who do you turn to? Who is it fair to put that on? "Hey, I'm thinking about ******* myself tonight... I'm going through some stuff, nothing I can't handle, but I've got this illness that's too much sometimes... wouldn't mind to grab a drink and talk a bit" that's fine, and pretty much anyone is willing to help, especially those most near and dear to you. But what about tomorrow, "hey, I know we worked through this, and I appreciate that, but... I'm standing on a bridge... sometimes this stuff doesn't make sense... sorry, but I need to talk" fine. But when it's every day. What about when the person you'd talk to, has their own shit that they can't handle, and you're their strength? What about the days when you don't answer the phone, and they think you've finally done it. What about their panic and stress? My mind is a ****ed up place of misery and pain. I don't want to spread that. I want to use it to give me motivation to change and grow, and I want it to teach me empathy so that I can reduce the suffering of others. I kind of figure we just roll the dice and see if I'm around next week. The bit that I'm always trying to control, is that I feel like we're going to have to roll those dice over and over again. The more times we do it, the shorter the timeframe I'll be here for. If it's every couple of years, maybe I grow old. If it's not, then maybe I'm a liar and I'll let everyone down. My efforts to make things better will make them worse. I'm trying... really, I am. But I am in pain. I don't know how to control it either. Most of what I set out to do, I've done. It's not that I feel trapped, I don't.... I feel like I can do anything. I just don't know that any of it matters, or anyone really cares. I feel like what I envision in my mind, is only in my mind, and that to others it's the creation of a crazy man. Temporary entertainment at best. ... and I know that's not true, but the voice of reason is so quiet. I've noticed I've stopped being able to look people in the eyes over the past week. It's because I'm afraid they'll look in mine. I'm afraid of what they'll see. I'm broken and weak. In need of love and patience. In need of rest and kindness. Can I just stop for a while, turn it all off, and just live.... can it not be a juggling act of letting people down? Can the value of me, be me and the things I do, the things I feel, the things I say... not the culmination of peoples' stress over things I can't control. I feel like I'm absorbing so much stress and pain and suffering from those around me, and bottling it up and it just fuels my illness... the world is too heavy for you? somehow that ends up with my mind convincing me that I am the cause of all of your pain... I have an illness, and it doesn't make sense sometimes.... I'm trying to be strong.... but... I'm not someone who can unload my burden very easily... I'm scared of what it'll do to you. And... to some extent, it's part of how I identify myself, I really do value fortitude, and putting out more good than you take in.... I'm scared of unloading the pain in me. The problem is that we run this game of chance over and over.... How long until I just check out.... I don't want to. But if I'm honest.... I really feel, more and more these past few years, that I'm coming to my end. How many times can I get into these suicidal spirals, and survive? I don't feel in control. All of my plans are long term. What I'm going to do in a lifetime. But... if I'm honest, the chances... are slim. I guess that's why I've condensed things a bit, to be more heavy on getting things done in the next few years... but... honestly that seems both terrifying, and like far too long a timeframe to be realistic. I need help and love and kindness.... And I don't think I can admit that. I need to find a way to let out my pain.... I need to clear my mind. Get back to a state where I can think.... there's just so much weight on me sometimes.
  9. MrMisery

    Something

    I keep beating myself up. For listening too much. For not listening enough. For giving weight to the wrong words, some of them spoken and some of them not. For missing others, even when they're said a hundred thousand times. For having vision, for being different, for aiming beyond my reach. For seeking growth, and for finding more faults within myself. Even if that's the point. The faults, the constant examination, that's necessary, and it always will be. It's the process of growth. I'm trying to grow. Maybe I'm enough. Maybe I'm not. I don't know... I just feel like I'm on a journey to the core of me... trying to figure out what I am, in it's entirety. I'm tired of putting energy and effort into the wrong places, I'm tired of fighting battles that don't matter in hindsight, I'm tired of fighting my mind every day... I'm just trying to find some peace within. Calm the noise, and be able to go about my day without fighting me. It seems like everything in my life is geared towards keeping me stressed... I just want to detach. I want to be me and have that be enough.
  10. MrMisery

    My Power

    I am often an ugly and decrepit man. The thoughts and feelings within me, are just that. I am fearful. I am in need of salvation, respite and happiness... desperately so. I fear that I'll have to keep walking through this storm, that shelter will not come. I fear that its hopeless. I fear that I am truly, and utterly alone; that no connection to another soul is real... just lies told by circumstance and need. But that is not me. These are thoughts and feelings, and very ugly ones at that. Take it all away. Empty it all. Fill it with something beautiful. Fill it with kindness, generosity and passion. Let go of concerns of what happens or doesn't, let go... it's separate to me. All I need to worry about, is what I am, who I am. Stay clear, stay calm and kind. Give, and build things that enrich the lives of others. Ask nothing in return. Accept it when emptiness is the reward, because it doesn't matter... it's just distraction, and temptation to fear. Continue to cultivate beautiful things within. Make that your artistry. Show care for yourself, show love for yourself. Show courage - accept loss, accept whatever may come; know the fear is far more damaging. The fear is the limiting factor, and it has to go. Be whatever you are, accept it, and cultivate everything beautiful in your actions and habits. The fight is internal, the journey is internal, the answers are too. Stop looking outside for justification, reward and punishment... that will reflect what's within. Build what's within.
  11. MrMisery

    I'm Not Well

    This is an illness. These thoughts... these feelings... they're not me. I am not my body. I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts. That is a hard realisation, but I think it's necessary for me. It's hard to be more than that, but we all are. I've got these thoughts going through my mind again... it's all the same old tired lines, but somehow they still hit hard. Mostly it's me putting words in the mouths of strangers, that are never spoken. Or in the looks in their eyes. There is no level of positive reinforcement that would convince me that I'm not the worst person to have ever lived, when I see the truth in the eyes everyone around me. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it's the way it feels. It's important to remember that all of the suffering I've been through is useful, one of it's biggest uses is empathy. I sometimes get so caught up in my own fear that I am unwilling to look through the eyes of another. I feel I am the victim, and yet, nothing has been done to me, and then my eyes are filled with the same disdain that I imagined in theirs... it's not fair, to them. Stepping back is necessary. Accepting vulnerability, and looking more openly at their perspective. There is also this doom and gloom. It's like on a warm sunny morning, you walk out in the fresh air and it feels of life and possibility, and then the same moment on an identical day feels of nothing but crushing burden that I am inadequate to handle, and the permanent futility of my struggles to do so. I think it's important to step back and sometimes just go through the motions. Great things often don't take herculean actions, sometimes showing up is half of the fight. Sometimes a couple of words, a phone call, an email, or just being present, is all it takes. The running theme is the same as what I've been saying a lot of lately... It used to be about strength and fortitude. Weather the storm, and fight the uphill battle. Endure loss, and keep fighting. Find hope in that. But that's faded... I'm not getting old, but I am changing. My battles are changing too. What's needed is calmness and kindness. Step back, stay clear. Make the right move, not a rushed or frightened one. And value kindness over almost anything. It's one of the best things we've got to offer.
  12. MrMisery

    I'm Trying

    I'm trying to stay clear. It's not always easy. There's so much noise. People that are happy. People that are unhappy. Things that go well, things that don't. There's this turbulance. Like being on a rollercoaster, that you're not sure will stay on the rails. You know you're probably best staying calm and riding it out... but what if you're not? I'm mostly doing a lot better these days. And I know that can change fast, but for now, I'm doing as well as I have in a long time. The depression still rises up, and I get rushes of bad thoughts coming into my mind. Mostly just the negative thoughts that used to run rampant, but now as they're fewer, and I'm healthier, I'm able to reason through them and keep them at bay. Sometimes there are pangs of suicidal thoughts but considering where I was a few months ago... I'm doing pretty well. It doesn't consume me, it's just there, and again, I can work through it. I feel pretty down about things not all working out for me... which is kind of weird, because if I'm reasonable about it, I've had a ridiculously good run over the past six weeks or so. Basically as long as I've been more in control of what's going through my mind. But we're not always rational in what we want, and that can cause a lot of pain. Part of being human, I guess. I think I just need to stick to my guns. Keep walking the path that I am, and have faith that I'm not crazy. It's the simple idea of the world around me, being a reflection of me. Do good, be good... and really think through what your motivations are, get to the heart of it and make sure that your thoughts and actions are coming from a good place, otherwise you're building on an unreliable foundation that will cause problems. I always used to feel like I needed to ask more strength and fortitude of myself, but these days those qualities don't seem as important. I've won the battles that I set out for... some of them worthwhile, some of them their only value were the lessons learned. A lot of poorly spent strength and energy. What I need instead is calmness and kindness. They're the most powerful influences I have on the world around me, at this point in my journey. I'm not slowing down. I'm doing more than I ever have before. Everything is getting bigger, in my world. But... it's easy to lose sight. It's easy to get caught up in the chaos. It's easy to latch on to the daily obstacles... they're so present.
  13. In these precious moments of clarity, I'm writing this for the days when I'm not clear. Firstly, be calm. Your obstacles are not as big as they seem, the fight that you need to fight is in your mind, the obstacles themselves are tiny. And you are worth more than it may feel, you spend all of your time focused on the things that need fixing, the things that go wrong, and all of the things that could, in part this is survival, but it is a warped perspective. It is not how others view you, or your life, nor how you would view them if they were in your shoes. If it helps, take a minute to look at your life as if it was another's... you might be very proud. Your work is very likely not the best thing you have to offer. Spend your lifetime building what matters to you, pour your time and energy in as long as there is passion. But as much as the journey usually outweighs the importance of the destination, it's the same in your life. It's the daily routine, it's the lives you touch. Don't you ****ing dare tell yourself you don't matter to others, and don't change their lives; I'd write a list but you know the names. I'll bet there's more by the time this letter is of use to you. Be yourself. Protect what you are, at all costs. Be yourself. This is the singular most important thing you can do. Define yourself, and constantly assess what that is, evolve it and grow it, but choose who you will be. Be brutally honest in this assessment, and by the way, whatever problem is looming, if you with all honesty work through it in your mind, chances are it'll fade.. you just need the courage, and let me tell you that I believe you're stronger than the problem. Anyway, who you are is important. And you can define what that is. Your life is a reflection of you... don't hate for what happens, don't fear for what happens, look inside and make your soul a thing of beauty. Spread kindness, in every action. Be you. Be you. Don't cheapen yourself with fear and anger. I know the depths of your loss, I know your pain, I know how unjust it feels.. but believe me, I know the ugliness too... and it's all okay; you had to grow, and that path I don't regret, but you've learned your lessons, you've grown. When disaster strikes, and it will, again and again. That's life. When it strikes, when you lose all faith and hope and nothing matters anymore... be you. Guard what you are, with the last of your strength and beyond, let the single greatest act of courage in your life be holding on to that. As I write this, it sounds selfish... guard yourself at all costs?... If it's not clear, I mean, keep your head, be conscious in your actions. Don't destroy that which you love, keep your head, and the beautiful world around you (even if you can't see it right now) will prosper. Remember it's never as dark as it seems. Remember how easy it is to hurt others and not know it, and to be hurt by others and them not know it. We are all at our core, on a similar path, we are on this journey alone but with so much in common. Don't put words in their mouths, don't read things in their eyes, but know that they'll do that to you, and that's okay... you did it for 30 years before you noticed what you were doing... they can balance it out a bit. Meet them with kindness and understanding. Seek peace. Be incredibly vigilant of your potential to hurt others with a look, or the absence of one, the tone of your voice or fictitious creations of their minds... they're coming from places of confusion and hurt too, we're in this life together. Understand, have empathy. But don't discredit their strength either, given clarity of the situation, most people are incredibly resilient. And when the world ends. When everything you've built comes crumbling down. Polish your shoes. Start with the basics, get that right and build from there. Polish your shoes. Once you've achieved that, build from that one accomplishment everything you love. And put down the drink.
  14. MrMisery

    What Strengths

    This idea keeps circling my mind. The world is a reflection of your mind. It just seems to make sense. Yeah, you can be born with money and privilege, yeah you can be hit by illness. But money isn't happiness or accomplishment, money in large quantities is often more toxic than it's worth. Balance and growth are necessary, or happiness won't accompany it. Illness and injury... a lot of it is in the mind, a lot of it we can work through or around, and we all bare burdens, most of it is in how. I know that may be insensitive, and I mean no offence; we all have our paths and I don't know yours. It seems like the only part of my life that matters is who I am. That's all I can control, and all I need to control. Constant assessment of what's in my mind, and acknowledgment of all the dark painful things I didn't want to know about before. I think the biggest ideas I've come across in the past couple of months are that the most important things I have to offer are kindness and honesty. If my world is to be a reflection of myself; what am I? It's seriously becoming a bigger and bigger thing for me that even when I'm stressed and hurt, my words and actions are caring. If I want to be in control of myself, if I want to be who I want to be, it's a necessity. Honesty is the stranger part of it. The bulk of it is honesty with myself. Working through everything, admitting my mistakes and faults, fears and everything. It sounds weird, but I just want to be me, and defining what makes us ourselves is kind of difficult. Are we our thoughts? Are we our feelings? Our minds, our bodies, do we have a soul? The biggest thing for me right now is being more than the sum of my parts. I am more than impulse, muscle, memory and experience. I am the master of my body and mind. There's just this focus on the idea that when things are good, or things are bad, the fight is internal. The obstacles are internal. That the obstacles around me are not so great, in fact they're often small or nonexistent, it's just that I have spent so much energy pushing against myself... against obstacles I create. It's time for better use of that energy.
  15. MrMisery

    Expectations

    I am doing better. Really, I am. But... I'm struggling too. It's not easy keeping my head above the water. I suppose I should be grateful that for now, I can at least do that. I've got this fear of stagnation. I know how hard life is; I know how easy it is to lose everything. It's a matter of survival. My back is against a wall. Do or die. People looking at my life from a distance would think otherwise, but it's all balancing on a razors edge - I take risks, because I'm scared of stagnation, and I have dreams that seem worth the risk. I feel worthless, lazy, slow... I feel like I'm letting everything I care about slip through my fingers. I feel like I should be achieving something. I feel like I'm letting myself down.... which honestly is an improvement because for a long time I felt I was letting others down, and I've only recently got my shit together well enough that I've got that covered. I had a weird experience today. I'm holidays... two weeks. That doesn't happen, ever. And honestly, it's just time to catch up on things, but things are a bit slower and I get to breathe a bit. Now I love what I do for a living. It's what I think I'm on this earth to do... eh, I'm a winemaker. I dodge saying that most of the time on here. I've started two small companies to help my industry 2 years and 6 years ago... small businesses are hard, and I'm doing that in addition to a full time job. There's pressure, but again, I feel like this is what I'm here to do. You can spend a thousand hours learning something you want to do and still suck at it, and sometimes there's things you can do that just make sense to you... I breathe this, and I can do stuff that some study for a lifetime and can't understand, that usually feels really good. Today I tested a bracket of wines and just the simple act of my brain switching on... I was really relaxed prior, and then all this stress started coming up. That bothers me... It just felt like I'm massively overworked... like I need to stop and go live in a shack in the wilderness for a decade to clear my head. I feel like it's that I'm overworked that is the reason I don't get as much done as I want... sometimes I just go into my shell and hibernate. I need to get to a point of balance in my life... I need to take more time for other things. Honestly, it's 3-4 months until all of the current issues with the businesses will be sorted (it'll all be fine, but I need to be present), but 3-4 months is just before next vintage, which is like 120+ hour weeks for a couple of months... after that though, things should be cruisy. I need to heal. I've been trying to balance that by pushing for more active recovery, as opposed to just shutting down and doing nothing when I have the chance... but honestly, sometimes just going out the front door is hard. Just getting up is difficult. I don't want to say that because I don't want to give it power, but it is a challenge. Hell, I can't go to sleep right now even though it's 2am and I have to be up at 5, because I'm too stressed about tomorrow and I'm on holidays... this isn't healthy. I need to clear my head and think this through... I need to find a way.... You know the sickening thing? I'm talking about dialing it back... I'm going to do the opposite. I'm concerned about my quality of life and one thing I think will help it is to do some regular charity work, and I'll start that very soon. Just a day here and there, but it's another demand. As far as my work, like I said, I feel like I'm stagnating, because I know I could be doing much more... and I'm very tempted to take more on for next year. This isn't even being masochistic, I just genuinely believe there's value in enduring hardship sometimes to gain skill and experience... I also know how damaging stagnation is.... Writing this down I sound sick... I don't know... I don't know.
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