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MrMisery

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About MrMisery

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    Male
  • Location
    Australia
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    I do epic things and try not to die.

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  1. MrMisery

    Perspective

    I wanted to write something positive. It's been a pattern for me to write here when my world is ending, and to be silent when it's not. I feel that I have turned a corner, and I am much more optimistic about my future than I have ever been. To be honest, I'm becoming very thankful for the impact COVID has had on me. Please know that I understand it's damage on a world scale far outweighs that, but for me, I think it's saved me. Don't get me wrong, it's been a personal hell for a long time. I lost my home. I operate two small businesses, and they've both taken hits and been a complete standstill. I gave up my home to save them, and for the longest time it looked like that may not be enough. Things have been hard. I was also having big problems with my depression, and was very much suicidal before all of this hit. Things got dark, and to be honest, until writing this and suddenly getting flashbacks of some moments, I hadn't realised that I've already supressed some of the darker moments. It's been hard. But it's saved me. I really believe that. I needed to stop and breathe. I needed it. Not for a minute, an hour or a month. I needed to take some time, and I wouldn't have done it without being forced to. I was very seriously burnt out from work, and I think I had been for years, and the depression had been a major issue for the past 4 years or so. I've always had depression, and it was big problem up until about 22, then it really went into the background until around 27 and it's been beating me up until now at 31. In being burnt out, I got to this point where I just felt sick about doing anything. I had voices in my head criticising everything I'd do, and my laziness and stupidity. Or just unworthiness. I've always had what I think people term Imposter Syndrome, where you're always waiting for people to figure out that you're actually an idiot and don't really know what you're doing. I believe I've been largely riding on previous work and study for a few years now, and just going through the motions, and that compounds the guilt that I'm a fake. I had some relationship problems as well. Largely either the absence of relationships, or the few women who were willing to run the gauntlet of dealing with my commitment issues, turning around and breaking my heart in one spectacular way or another. I largely supressed this with alcohol. I've supressed a lot with alcohol over the years. But now that I've had time to stop and rest so thoroughly, things have been getting clearer. I was really broken, in a lot of ways. Even physically, I had a slipped disk in my spine I'd never let heal, and I had a shoulder that dislocated about once a month. I've had time to rehab them extremely thoroughly. It feels nice when you can trust your back to not fall apart at random. More than that, my goals seem so small now. I was really worried that they were too big, and I used to get panic attacks all the time whenever I'd think about them. Genuinely, I'd go into a full panic attack maybe five minutes after thinking about my goals. Now... like I said, they seem small. What I want to do, is build up a couple of businesses to the highest standard in my industry, and genuinely innovate and revolutionise my field. I want those businesses to employ and build people, to give the impassioned people in my field opportunity and pathway to bigger and better things. I genuinely want to have this massive, positive effect on that community. That was meant to be my art. My contribution. I also want to raise a family. I want to be a good father, and a good husband. That has always secretly been meant to be the biggest project and art of my life. But it's a scary prospect, because I'm not getting younger, and I'm still working through a lot. I've got a lot of growing to do myself. But like I said earlier, it all seems so small now. It's importance hasn't faded; I just think I can do more. I think I can do all of this, with no rush or pressure and with a far more balanced life than I've lead so far. The family side will be a lifelong journey, and the same for the business side to some extent, but the business I can have accomplished within 15 years. That'll leave me at 46 years of age, having done what I planned my entire lifetime to take. I'm starting to really see some possibilities, I think it's dangerous to set specific goals at that distance of time, but I take a lot of comfort in the idea that I may very well be able to do much bigger things (I do have ideas floating around). I'm not a child sprinting in a moment of motivation and burning himself out. I understand balance is important, and I need to pay it a lot more respect than I have in the past. Rest and relaxation are essential. But I've learned a lot, and know how to set systems up, and can build the infrastructure I need to make all of this achievable. More than that, I know my weaknesses, and how to overcome them. And I have so ridiculously much more empathy for myself, which I honestly never had before... maybe that sound self-centred, but empathy for others is something you learn as part of a community, I have never extended that for myself and have always had this double standard of I must do everything perfectly (even when in internal contradictions in that), and I must take every burden in stride and basically not be human. I know I've rambled a lot here. All I'm trying to say is that today the horizon looks quite a bit brighter than it did before, and for the first time in my life I'm starting to be able to envision myself living past a couple of years into the future. I'd always previously been convinced I'd die by suicide, and was on this really short timeframe compared to everyone else. But now, I can see myself living a life. I guess that's as good a note as any to finish on. I hope you reading this, are either in a good place yourself right now, or if not (which I fear is far more likely), that this post reminds you that perspectives can shift, and that can make all of the difference. And sometimes, that shift will come from anything, even a downfall. Peace.
  2. I've been down lately. The same as many people. I'm scared for my future. I'm scared of time passing me by, I'm scared that things won't be the same on the other side of this COVID situation. I am a small business owner, which means I might lose a lot. At this point, flip a coin and see how we go. When I get really down, I do drink a bit. I'm always hesitant in explaining that, because we jump to stereotypes about people; I'm not some angry and violent drunk. I'm a highly functioning, seasoned alcoholic who values peace and love and kindness above just about anything else. I just need to hide in my darkened corner with an ungodly amount of booze, and hide to process for a moment. I do see paths out of this. Take from me everything that I have, and I am me, and I know what I will do if that happens. If I wake up in the morning without a thing, I am quite content in my actions that will follow, and very optimistic about the outcomes. I do have faith in myself.
  3. MrMisery

    Conflicted

    I'm somewhere between giving up, and being ready to dig deep and make some changes. To start with, I'm in the same trouble as everyone else seems to be at the moment. Coronavirus has hit where I live, we're in lockdown, and overnight my industry (including the two small businesses that I own/operate) is devestated, maybe irreperably. Honestly, I think if I really keep my head, I can find a way provided some extremely minimal government assistance. Honestly, all I need is unemployment benefits until I can find entry level work in another industry despite the overnight absurdly high unemployment rate. I just need that until my industry can operate again, which according to our government, could be 6-12 months. Fortuntately my businesses are networth heavy and very skill/experience dependent, so even flat broke I should be able to pretty quickly get something off the ground... I suspect within 1-2 years of this subsiding. I can use the meantime to get done some of the studies that I hadn't had the time for, and to get a little more exercise and to clear my head. But I'm scared. I don't believe I'll be looked after in any regard, I don't trust my government to be anything but cowardly and greedy old men. My survival, or that of my friends and family, is of no concern. We're all scared. Now, I'm in a stressful spot. I was already having issues with depression and frequent suicidal episodes, and now I am required to self-isolate for the next 6-12 months while enduring the destruction of everything I have spent my career building. I know this is all about me. And really, that's only part of it. The majority of people I know, and care about, are suddenly in similar situations, and we're all scared. In my heart, I know the outcome for some of them will be quite grim... I have some small levels of protection, at least in the short term. Honestly, I used to always be best in hard times... it gives you more focus. But, in recent years I've had this problem finding reason to hold on. The world seems sapped of all inspiration and meaning and purpose... it's just existing.
  4. MrMisery

    Real Talk

    What do I matter? What is there left to do? This isn't me wallowing in misery. I mean, I'm right there... but I'm not lost here. I just am here. I don't see what there is that I can do that I can do, that I have not spent years doing. I don't see what I can give, that I have not already. I have poured my heart and soul into my life, and the people within it. None of it matters. If I go now, a couple of people need to learn to cope without, and they can. That's all my time is... that's all the importance of me. I don't know if we're born with worth stamped on our soul; but no matter what I am, what I create, what I do... my worth is nill. I am dust in the wind, at which you may or may not become mildly annoyed. But rest assured, I'll pass.
  5. I'm in a bad way. I believe I just need some time to heal through it, and I'll be okay. Hold my nerve for a minute, and I'll survive this bout. But I've been thinking. I don't know that this is an unhealthy way of being. I suppose it's not healthy... maybe more reasonably, it's not a irrational way of being. Life is ****ing miserable. That's the reality. We're born alone, we die alone. Every day we fight for survival, against a world that ultimately doesn't support our life. Our actions are futile, without deeper meaning, and that deaper meaning can only be perceived by us and other people.... and it's so easily skewed. What we today hold as beautiful and meaningful, we next year distance ourselves from. I'm not going anywhere. I've got things that I want to do. But damn... I'm not here because I want to be. I'm here because I think I can create something worthwhile in this world, I think I can have a beautiful impact on it; I think I can enrich lives. Put forth the beauty in my soul, in the form of my work, my art, and use my actions to spread as much kindness as I am able, to ease the pain of others and strengthen others. But I am here, for a temporary purpose. To do my work and go. This life is ultimately suffering. Is that so irrational? I look around at the people around me, and I am not envious: I would not live their lives. I would only barely live my own. I am not here to just exist. I am here for everything or nothing. But the older I get, the more everything looks like a lie. I need to escape this depression.
  6. MrMisery

    When I'm Weak

    I'm vulnerable now.... I'm worn down, and I'm at my lowest. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge. Today I had someone screaming about me... they've never spoken so much as a word to me. They just know my name.... and expected... I don't know what. But to them, I am the devil. I am not the evil you perceive. I wish you no harm, I am here to help if I am able... I don't need anything in return. I care about you, because you exist... you have a soul, conscious thought and a plethora of feeling and experience, that makes you the beauty I want to build in this world. I am not the devil. People hate me sometimes.... a lot of the time actually. It's always strangers... that's not to imply anything, it's just the way it unfolds. I've kind of suspected this is my illness convincing of things, putting words into peoples mouths. Maybe that's true to some extent, but that it hurts when it gets reinforced. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge these days. I'm close to checking out. It's hard hanging on. I don't hate you. If you see evil in me... it is not coming from me. We just misunderstand each other, if we give it a moment, and speak a little, we'll find something that isn't hate. I'm sorry for any harm I cause.... please understand that I have done my best to cause none... I am sorry if I have failed you in that.
  7. MrMisery

    Building

    I had a bad night the other night. Haven't been that low in a while. I think my mind and body are coming back from it a bit, but I've got to be honest, even clear and calm... I want out. Kind of setting the target as a set date a few months into next year. I'm tired, and I've tried enough. I'm tired. But, if I'm here, I want to do something epic with it. Do or die, because really.... why not? It doesn't take courage if there's no downside... it's just existing. I've got a bit more clarity now. I'm getting more done as a result. I'm clearer. Please don't take my words as any suggestion as to how you should handle anything similar. This is my walk in life. Yours is different, and your own.
  8. MrMisery

    Back here again

    The truth is that you need to stay composed. You may not, and that's okay... but you need that composure at some point. You need to work through it. But there's time. You're probably going to fall sometimes, and that's okay. There's time. Stay strong. Hold you direction; it seems like a good one. Know that there are people to listen, when you need to vent. This world isn't darkness... we want you to heal.
  9. MrMisery

    Second depression

    It's never a walk in the park. Don't belittle your past battles. It took courage to get through. This new, and greater challenge you face, is something you can face. And sometimes these struggles are a good thing. They give us strength, and more than that, they give us empathy. Not sure if these words are of any use... but hey, here they are. Maybe I'm just crazy.
  10. MrMisery

    Give Me Tonight

    I'll be what I need to be every other day. Give me a moment to grieve. I was going to check out on the 14th of March. Didn't. Can't really remember how I didn't... think it was people.... people who'd have problems if I wasn't around. Focussed on making a smooth transition, out of life. That was my main focus for a few months. I was going to check out in late June. I was really done.... I don't want to talk about it..... I was done.... I grit my teeth, and went on a crazy self-improvement bender since. It's 16th of November. I've been off the booze.... living in the gym.... spending far more productive time on my various businesses.... seeing a lot of changes. My life changed immeasurably. A little bit of self love, and self focus, and growth, and willingness to consciously work through my problems rather than hiding in booze.... felt like I was on a crazy, unbelievable high for a long time.... don't get me wrong, it was hard... it was a hell, a lot of the time, but I felt great being able to work through things and see the world through views I never had before. I was doing a lot of work to improve myself.... but the biggest weapon in all of it.... was always kindness. That's what I wanted to build. Give love to the world around you, and let it reflect it back if it will.... but just give it for the necessity of that being me.... That was the biggest part of it. Still is, if I hang around. Had my heart broken a couple of times over those few months by the same woman.... honestly, that's a gift, better to be without her.... doesn't mean it didn't hurt. I don't want to talk about the state that my heart has been in for the past decade or so.... I don't want to talk about that, because it's too depressing. It's not in a good state. Put my heart in someone I needed.... needed, and probably loved, but loved because I needed.... I don't know... better off without her. So I've got a couple of bottles of whiskey sitting next to me. Going to sit in the dark and get drunk listening to my favourite song about ending one's life. I've just been trying to be a better man.... trying to be kinder, and a better influence on the world around me.... people are hurting so much.... There's a kid who works for me... Has for over a year now... came to me a balanced adult.... worships the ground I walk on, because I've done shit and people talk about shit.... kid's life has fallen apart, but kind of in a way of welcoming freedom kind of thing... sometimes you need to break things down, to rebuild in a better and healthier way.... he thinks he's on the rebuild.... honestly, I think that's a lot further off than he thinks... but I think he's on the right path.... better to live a day as a lion, than a thousand years as a sheep.... I've never really believed that.... but it's better to live a day, than to hide from life for a lifetime.... be you... exist... But come to me whole, and lose everything... and I have to question myself..... I have existed. I have made a mark on so many lives.... because I'm alive. Look in my eyes, and you'll see fire every second of every day. Am I toxic... am I a poison.... if so, is that poison necessary? How ****ed up am I really? Do I have enough whiskey? You know I'm alright.... I mean, I'm a ****ing creap sitting in a dark apartment, drinking and talking about ending one's life.... I'm the kind of person you should usher your children away from on the street, because I'm poison to balance.... But I'm alright... I've done good things... on my worst days, I change lives for the better, inspire people to great things.... I help people, at my own loss... because I love people.... I love the world, the universe... everything... I want to be a force for what's positive and beautiful... Part of the human experience is constant fighting for survival... our continued living is hard... we need to eat, we need to sleep, we need a roof over our heads... stop moving, stop fighting for survival and it ends.... that gives a negative perspective... What am I? I think I know, sometimes... but right now, I just want to sit in the corner and cry. A lifetime of failure. Letting people down. Not living up to expectations, except those that don't matter. I've carved a crazy path of brilliance in life... I've done impossible things... none of it matters. I'm sad.... on a level that doesn't seem to heal. There's something wrong with my mind... I'm hurting... I'm hurting... I can be strong, I can fight through.... but I'm in so much pain. One truth I've always liked, is that when you really look at it.... I'm not angry... I never have been.... what I sometimes think is anger, is this incredibly thin veil over sadness. I'm just sad... I'm not evil. I live. I love. I care. I want was is good for all things... I want to create beauty in this world. Fill everything with love and kindness. I want something a lot stronger than whiskey... right now, I kind of don't want to feel.... Part 2 Yeah ****ers... Round 2. The alternative was wandering the streets finding somewhere to die.... So ****... Round 2 bitches. I just want to say... and I can't say it... I want to say I hate the people who need me.... and I don't... I love them... I love them with beyond all of my heart... when there is nothing left of me, my love and care for those in my life will live on. It will not fade. I'm a piece of shit, but I have fortitude and if death can stop that, come at me bro. I'm not leaving those I love. but I do hate it.. I hate that I can't go.... I'm in so much pain. So in Australia at the moment, it's Movember. Grow a mustache, or shave a mustache, or whatever, for mental illness recognition. It's great. Good work. Support people. One thing I have trouble with, is that there's this surface level idea that we care about mental illness. And we do. But... If I say today, that I want to **** myself. You'll care, because you're not a horrible person. If I say the same tomorrow,, you'll care, because you're not a horrible person. In a week... you'll still be there. In a month... why the ****, is whatever help we sought not enough. And stop calling me..... And every night, when silence hits... is he alive? Call me... tell me you're here. Answer my text. Answer my missed call. Are you okay? Tell me you're alive. Show some sign.... please. ... I don't want to put you through that. I'm not going to say it... But... just for reference.... I'd hear the call, a hundred thousand times, and not grow tired. I get... Shit takes time... Our minds are crazy complicated, we can't solve it overnight. Sit on a bridge every night, and I'll hear it. But I can't expect you to do that same. I wont make you do the same.... ****, I'm going for a walk... I'm not going to chec kout, I justt need time. For realsies. I'm not going anywhere. Promise, wouldn't leave with a promise unfulfilled.
  11. MrMisery

    I Am

    I am, a lot of things. I am struggling. I am lost. I know I am not alone in this, even though it often feels like I am. I am unique, and capable of things that no one else is. I belittle what I do, I deny what others see in me. I focus only on where I fail. I have an illness that eats at my soul - I am blessed with perspective, because of this. I am not lazy. I am not slow. I am not stupid. I exist. I think. I feel. I am growing. I am learning. I am pouring my heart, my soul, my tears, my sweat and my blood into everything I do. I will leave nothing in reserve. I may be happy. I may be miserable. I am me. I will live as that. I will nurture that. I will grow.
  12. MrMisery

    taking it in

    I'm trying to hold on, but it's not easy. I'm trying to carry my burdens, and I'm trying to carry plenty that I shouldn't have to. I'm meant to be the strength that holds people up, and I'm taking the weight of their troubles, and piling it on mine... I'll be the good guy, or I'll be the bad guy.... I'll be whatever their emotional state says I am. I'm just here trying to help... and if I'm the bad guy... so be it, I guess. But you've got to understand that I've got an illness that flares up sometimes... I'm getting suicidal urges again. Roaring through my mind like a freight train. But who do you turn to? Who is it fair to put that on? "Hey, I'm thinking about ******* myself tonight... I'm going through some stuff, nothing I can't handle, but I've got this illness that's too much sometimes... wouldn't mind to grab a drink and talk a bit" that's fine, and pretty much anyone is willing to help, especially those most near and dear to you. But what about tomorrow, "hey, I know we worked through this, and I appreciate that, but... I'm standing on a bridge... sometimes this stuff doesn't make sense... sorry, but I need to talk" fine. But when it's every day. What about when the person you'd talk to, has their own shit that they can't handle, and you're their strength? What about the days when you don't answer the phone, and they think you've finally done it. What about their panic and stress? My mind is a ****ed up place of misery and pain. I don't want to spread that. I want to use it to give me motivation to change and grow, and I want it to teach me empathy so that I can reduce the suffering of others. I kind of figure we just roll the dice and see if I'm around next week. The bit that I'm always trying to control, is that I feel like we're going to have to roll those dice over and over again. The more times we do it, the shorter the timeframe I'll be here for. If it's every couple of years, maybe I grow old. If it's not, then maybe I'm a liar and I'll let everyone down. My efforts to make things better will make them worse. I'm trying... really, I am. But I am in pain. I don't know how to control it either. Most of what I set out to do, I've done. It's not that I feel trapped, I don't.... I feel like I can do anything. I just don't know that any of it matters, or anyone really cares. I feel like what I envision in my mind, is only in my mind, and that to others it's the creation of a crazy man. Temporary entertainment at best. ... and I know that's not true, but the voice of reason is so quiet. I've noticed I've stopped being able to look people in the eyes over the past week. It's because I'm afraid they'll look in mine. I'm afraid of what they'll see. I'm broken and weak. In need of love and patience. In need of rest and kindness. Can I just stop for a while, turn it all off, and just live.... can it not be a juggling act of letting people down? Can the value of me, be me and the things I do, the things I feel, the things I say... not the culmination of peoples' stress over things I can't control. I feel like I'm absorbing so much stress and pain and suffering from those around me, and bottling it up and it just fuels my illness... the world is too heavy for you? somehow that ends up with my mind convincing me that I am the cause of all of your pain... I have an illness, and it doesn't make sense sometimes.... I'm trying to be strong.... but... I'm not someone who can unload my burden very easily... I'm scared of what it'll do to you. And... to some extent, it's part of how I identify myself, I really do value fortitude, and putting out more good than you take in.... I'm scared of unloading the pain in me. The problem is that we run this game of chance over and over.... How long until I just check out.... I don't want to. But if I'm honest.... I really feel, more and more these past few years, that I'm coming to my end. How many times can I get into these suicidal spirals, and survive? I don't feel in control. All of my plans are long term. What I'm going to do in a lifetime. But... if I'm honest, the chances... are slim. I guess that's why I've condensed things a bit, to be more heavy on getting things done in the next few years... but... honestly that seems both terrifying, and like far too long a timeframe to be realistic. I need help and love and kindness.... And I don't think I can admit that. I need to find a way to let out my pain.... I need to clear my mind. Get back to a state where I can think.... there's just so much weight on me sometimes.
  13. MrMisery

    Something

    I keep beating myself up. For listening too much. For not listening enough. For giving weight to the wrong words, some of them spoken and some of them not. For missing others, even when they're said a hundred thousand times. For having vision, for being different, for aiming beyond my reach. For seeking growth, and for finding more faults within myself. Even if that's the point. The faults, the constant examination, that's necessary, and it always will be. It's the process of growth. I'm trying to grow. Maybe I'm enough. Maybe I'm not. I don't know... I just feel like I'm on a journey to the core of me... trying to figure out what I am, in it's entirety. I'm tired of putting energy and effort into the wrong places, I'm tired of fighting battles that don't matter in hindsight, I'm tired of fighting my mind every day... I'm just trying to find some peace within. Calm the noise, and be able to go about my day without fighting me. It seems like everything in my life is geared towards keeping me stressed... I just want to detach. I want to be me and have that be enough.
  14. MrMisery

    My Power

    I am often an ugly and decrepit man. The thoughts and feelings within me, are just that. I am fearful. I am in need of salvation, respite and happiness... desperately so. I fear that I'll have to keep walking through this storm, that shelter will not come. I fear that its hopeless. I fear that I am truly, and utterly alone; that no connection to another soul is real... just lies told by circumstance and need. But that is not me. These are thoughts and feelings, and very ugly ones at that. Take it all away. Empty it all. Fill it with something beautiful. Fill it with kindness, generosity and passion. Let go of concerns of what happens or doesn't, let go... it's separate to me. All I need to worry about, is what I am, who I am. Stay clear, stay calm and kind. Give, and build things that enrich the lives of others. Ask nothing in return. Accept it when emptiness is the reward, because it doesn't matter... it's just distraction, and temptation to fear. Continue to cultivate beautiful things within. Make that your artistry. Show care for yourself, show love for yourself. Show courage - accept loss, accept whatever may come; know the fear is far more damaging. The fear is the limiting factor, and it has to go. Be whatever you are, accept it, and cultivate everything beautiful in your actions and habits. The fight is internal, the journey is internal, the answers are too. Stop looking outside for justification, reward and punishment... that will reflect what's within. Build what's within.
  15. MrMisery

    I'm Not Well

    This is an illness. These thoughts... these feelings... they're not me. I am not my body. I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts. That is a hard realisation, but I think it's necessary for me. It's hard to be more than that, but we all are. I've got these thoughts going through my mind again... it's all the same old tired lines, but somehow they still hit hard. Mostly it's me putting words in the mouths of strangers, that are never spoken. Or in the looks in their eyes. There is no level of positive reinforcement that would convince me that I'm not the worst person to have ever lived, when I see the truth in the eyes everyone around me. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it's the way it feels. It's important to remember that all of the suffering I've been through is useful, one of it's biggest uses is empathy. I sometimes get so caught up in my own fear that I am unwilling to look through the eyes of another. I feel I am the victim, and yet, nothing has been done to me, and then my eyes are filled with the same disdain that I imagined in theirs... it's not fair, to them. Stepping back is necessary. Accepting vulnerability, and looking more openly at their perspective. There is also this doom and gloom. It's like on a warm sunny morning, you walk out in the fresh air and it feels of life and possibility, and then the same moment on an identical day feels of nothing but crushing burden that I am inadequate to handle, and the permanent futility of my struggles to do so. I think it's important to step back and sometimes just go through the motions. Great things often don't take herculean actions, sometimes showing up is half of the fight. Sometimes a couple of words, a phone call, an email, or just being present, is all it takes. The running theme is the same as what I've been saying a lot of lately... It used to be about strength and fortitude. Weather the storm, and fight the uphill battle. Endure loss, and keep fighting. Find hope in that. But that's faded... I'm not getting old, but I am changing. My battles are changing too. What's needed is calmness and kindness. Step back, stay clear. Make the right move, not a rushed or frightened one. And value kindness over almost anything. It's one of the best things we've got to offer.
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