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About MrMisery

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    I do epic things and try not to die.

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  1. It's all mapped out. Here's this unhappy place that I was, and here are a whole bunch of stepping stones along the way to a potentially better place. Or at least, a place that may lead to a better place. ... That's not how it works. But that's what I'm doing. I can get myself from a very dark place, to an objectively amazing place very quickly, because of the unique state my life is in. That seems like a path that I need to follow, and indeed, want to follow. But... there's more. I'm deeply suicidal right now. It occupies my mind for several hours a day, it is an incredibly overpowering need. I am deeply unhappy with my life, with myself and with the world around me... but that's my illness. My first instincts are, in all honesty: 1: Rely on work. Build epic shit. Really epic shit. Seriously, what I planned to do over the next 15 years would be pretty insane in that timeframe, I think I can get it done in 3-4 years. I can re-shape my world, and I will. I need to be moving at a breakneck speed. Stagnation is a very unhealthy state for me to be in. There's a certain flow of things, in any area of life, where things move quickly at times and are still at others... it's being restful in those still moments that's been hurting me. There is more that I am capable of. 2: Mind altering, in one way or another. I don't care if it's meditation or mushrooms. The journey is as much spiritiual as anything, but for the first time in my life I am afraid of meditation. I know what's in my mind; I would want a straight jacket, and heavy supervision if I were to meditate. Maybe that means I should, because **** it, let's run the gauntlet. But it's not going to be quick... and man, it's going to get messy.... I'm not good right now, and there's some stuff right there under the surface... maybe I need to deal with it. Probably best to deal with it in privacy, on my own time, rather than let it happen in public. 3: I need to stop living within myself. I tend to isolate, as I guess a lot of us do... either because I can trust my answers more, or just trust myself more, or because I'm too self centered because my problems are the most real to me, however much I try to be otherwise. I need to keep working on opening up... trust a little more, and give a little more. I'm going to be doing a lot more charity work on an ongoing basis, which is a start, but it's deeper than that... it's the routine. Everything is about routine. We are what we repeatedly do, and I need to work on that.
  2. MrMisery

    Not Easy

    There's a real duality of things going on right now in my life... On one hand, I feel alive. I have more energy than I have had in at least a couple of years, more drive, more focus, more hunger. I'm making much more progress, and I really feel like I can make a difference, like I am here to make a difference. My biggest wildest ambitions now seem so small; what I wanted to do in a matter of a decade I think I can do in 2-3 years, and probably better. What I used to want to achieve in those 2-3 years, I think I can get done in less than 8 weeks. I'm alive, and I'm focused. I hardly stop moving, but I'm not tired... I've got things I want to get done. On the other hand, I really am done. I'm so miserable, and I feel that the rest of the world does not want me here. Honestly, it's not anyone in particular, mostly a non-descript "government" or something, my country has some pretty questionable politics going on these days, and I've spent too much time dealing with people I've known to be incredibly corrupt; I don't feel safe, and add in my mental fragility and I just have this impending feeling that I'm being cornered into a box to be snuffed out. I know how little sense that makes, and I know it's irrational. The other comparison for it, is that I often feel like it's random strangers that I can't handle because they desperately despise me for existing - they've never spoken to me. It's just what goes through my mind, and I suppose it doesn't help that people are often rude in crowded places, and that seems to reinforce it. But I am done. I'm just sick of it all. I feel I am hated, I always do. I beat myself up for my many failings, and ignore the things I've done. I take a lot of burden for others, and I think that adds a fair bit of stress. But I've been at the point for a few months now where I'm trying to transition things to a point where my not being around wont ruin anyone's life. There a few people who'd suffer a fair bit I weren't around. I'm just trying to smoothen out that transition. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm trying, I really am.
  3. My illness is at it's worst these days. But there's one path out of here, and I have to keep moving. I'm really messed up. But I'm making ground, and maybe, just maybe, that will make a difference. I'm up every morning at 3, run to the gym, workout, run home, start my admin work, a couple of hours later I go to work. Do my day, then go home and deal with whatever emails have popped up through the day. I've gone from being slack on my days off, to non-stop meetings booked back to back for a few weeks in advance. Starting to get some traction again. I've been slipping into a darkness, and now I see a light again. I set the goal that in 5 weeks I'd change my state of life... and I don't know if that'll happen. All of the objective stuff will change, but will I feel any better? I don't know. But it's just the start, I'm just trying to get back to a position in life where I have the freedom to act, the freedom to take control of my life. As much as I'm trying to create a deadline by saying that I have 5 weeks to achieve certain things, the bigger goal is that my new targets after 5 weeks can be much bigger. I'm doing a charity fundraiser at the moment just to hold me over until I have the time to line up something more serious. And I'm doing an industry night for some people in my field who need some help, I really think it could make a big difference to a few people... wait until I get tied up on my words and make the whole thing a waste of time for everyone, but maybe I can help a little. I want to start doing some work with depression/mental illness charities later this year, just to give something and to hopefully get some fulfilment out of it, or at least be involved with people who's hearts are in the right place. My life is ****ing mess. My illness is going crazy, I am extremely suicidal. But... for now, I'm fighting the good fight. I see light ahead, and maybe that's all I need. Something to aim for, and when I get closer I can create a new goal.
  4. It took me a long time to come home tonight. I kept walking around, then I stopped and stood on a quiet street for a while, to think, then another. Didn't like my old spot I'd planned to use to finish things, didn't think the fall would be far enough. Probably would, but there's enough chance, and it's mostly over water and I don't like the solid bits to land on. I don't know why they need to be nice.... I just want to go back to the earth, you know. Shit's hard sometimes. Too many people depending on me, when I'm too weak to depend on me. I promised myself that if I'm strong for the rest of the month, I'll change things. And I've been doing the work to make that happen, but now that it's only 30 days away, I start wondering if the universe will just shit all over my plans and keep things the way they are. I'm trying, I am. But this burden is heavy sometimes... I'm doing everything I can to be a good man, either for the rest of my life, or at least in my last days. But... I still feel like I'm a horrible person. I'm sitting here now in the dark because I don't like the light. That makes me a ****ing creep. The past 20 hours of working my balls off to help people doesn't mean shit.
  5. MrMisery


    It's do or die. It always was. But it's different now. It's much more raw, the hurt is much more real. I can't sit still. I can't sleep. I'm too hungry. My head is in a really bad place right now, but I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can create. 35 days from today, look at my life. Give me 35 days, watch what I do. It's going to be sickening what I'm going through, and I'm doing it while I'm not in a mental state to be able to handle it. Watch what I can do. Watch how beautiful I can make my life. This is just the start, but I can get to that starting line in 35 days. I've got nothing today, but a whole lot of failure, humiliation, and fatigue. Watch what I do now.
  6. MrMisery

    Hard Days

    I've got an illness, and sometimes it makes things hard. I'm always strong, around people. That's the way I'm meant to be, but they get used to it, expect it and rely on it, and dump more on me because that's just the way it works for them. That's fine, I like the illusion that I matter in this world, and that I can help in some small way. But the weight is heavy, and I'm already not doing very well. I've got to be honest, the only plan I have for tonight is pretty dark. I was tempted to go to the hospital, but I don't have any money, so what good is that. Dumb idea. I've got a good plan for the next five weeks. I think I can change things, I think I can make things happen. I think I can change my life in big ways. I just need to hold on. But ultimately, does it matter? ... **** it. I'll do work. I'll get things done, we'll re-assess in a few weeks.
  7. MrMisery

    The Low Point

    We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival. I don't want things to be easy. I don't want rest. I don't even want help, or right now, love. I don't want to sit still. I don't want to be comfortable, or even happy. I've got shit to do. Give me 5 weeks, I change my world. Take from me everything, when I think I have nothing to lose. Prove to me how much lower I can sink. Take from me the last of my hope. You awaken a part of me that was sleeping... it's survival now, and for some reason, I want that. **** possible and impossible. **** rationality. **** safety. **** what's fair. **** fatigue. I don't care if there's no hope, I don't care. I am me, and that's it. That's all I have, all I am. That I can control, and that I will make enough.
  8. Take from me everything, when I'm at my lowest. Let me lose, when I thought I had nothing left to lose. See what's left. I'll show you. Watch me build immeasurable beauty, watch me do the impossible, everything I doubted. See what's real.
  9. MrMisery

    Still Fighting

    Things are going good. And things are going bad. Things are going a million miles an hour right now. And I've got an illness that means I need time. And I can't take time. I can't even admit my illness, because then my whole life falls apart. You can't rely on me right now, I'm a mess and every day I make it through is a little bit surprising. I need time. I need rest. I need love. I need patience. But there's no room for that. Or at least, this isn't the time for it. I went through a time where I was feeling suicidal constantly every day, and it's eased up to once every couple of days I go through a bit of episode. So far no one has seen it, so that's good. I made a decision, I think. I'm not going to do it. I'm not ending it here. Instead, I'm doing epic shit and making the life I want. That sounds more positive than it is. It's just do or die. But it's improvement.
  10. MrMisery

    Claiming Victory

    My life always used to feel like a comeback trail... like I was in this state of disaster and needed to fight my way out. Then I had around a year or two of feeling like I was just surviving (at best). And, well, that was up until a few days ago, so who knows, maybe I'll fall back into it. But I don't feel like that anymore. I feel awake. I've been slowly fixing things up in my life for a long time, but now it's just on another level. Years ago I used to work out fanatically, and I'm back to lifting better numbers than I ever did before. And feeling good afterwards. I can run further than ever before too. Work's going well too. All three jobs (two of them being small businesses I own/run, there's a bit of stress when they're not going well). I've got a million problems in my life, but I feel like I have the tools to fix it all. And the energy, hunger and fire to do it all. Give me nothing, and I'll do everything. ... and I don't have nothing. This isn't a comeback trail. This a victory lap. This is taking stock of what I've done, and putting in the yards to get some reward and quality of life from it all.
  11. MrMisery

    A Plan

    Today's plan isn't very nice. I've had some bad luck over the past week. Real bad luck. I'm going to do some work, see if I can fight my way out of this hole, at least get closer to that. But the plan is to end it if I'm honest. That's about all.
  12. MrMisery

    War Path

    I've been struggling. Yeah, you know that. I've written about it enough times. Things have gotten dark. I don't entirely know why. But that's just it. I can't keep my head above water like this. Can't. Won't. I'm about as spent as I can be. I'm ready to check out. I'm at my lowest, and I don't even know if I want to change that. But that made me realise something. This is where I used to be. When I was younger, I did things that I now envy. It wasn't that I had skill or knowledge or any reason to do well. I was hungry, and had nothing to lose. I lost that hunger, and started acting like I couldn't afford to fail. I've got nothing left. I'm at the end. This is it. My race is run. It's do something or stop hanging around. And you know what? I'm going to do something. I've got nothing to lose, and I'm hungry as hell for the life that I dreamed of and feel was taken from me. I did great things when I had no ability or training or experience. I'll shatter the ****ing earth now. I've had a couple of goals that have consistently been the same distance away for years. My short term is always 6 weeks, and my long term has always been 8 years. I just don't seem to be able to get closer.... maybe it's that I've been over optimistic, and reality hits when I get closer. Thing is, the 8 years is now within striking distance in 12-18 months.... I don't want to do that though. That's too far away, and I can do it if I'm the same anyone else. That's not me. Give me 3 months. 90 days. It's not just my life I save if I do this. I worry that I sound soulless sometimes, but I'm talking about making a difference. Watch me. This shit will be an epic story I'll tell my grandkids someday.
  13. MrMisery

    In A Bad Way

    I'm not doing well lately. It's almost daily now that I'm having these episodes. I'm really struggling. It's the illness too. None of the stress is about real things. But here I am, every other day. I don't want to talk too much in detail about my past hour. But it's ****ed. And it's becoming routine. I want to be strong. I want to be the example of taking the burden in stride and getting functioning in life, getting better and doing better. Honestly, just making it to tomorrow is hard enough. I've done a lot of really good things for people. A few people in this world even love me. I'm my own hero, I'm really proud of a lot of things I've done and the way I've lived, and continue to live my life. But I feel like maybe I just wasn't meant for this world... I don't belong, and I'll forever be swimming upstream, fighting an unrelenting current. Some days I'm okay with that. Times like this... it's hard okay.
  14. MrMisery

    Facing Challenges

    I'm in a bad way. And that's okay. That's part of life, particularly with this particular burden that I have to carry. We all have our burdens, and this is mine, and it is not without it's benefits. There is a drive that comes from suffering. I must admit, I've become very resentful in this past year or so, about my health. I've worked very hard for a long time and done so much and my state appears to be the same as it used to be. But that's not true. I am a lot further along this journey, and a lot more capable as a result. What I need to do, above all else, is fight this fight internally. It's not external - it never was. I've got the external sorted, and it's only at risk when my mental health dips substantially. The fight that I've got to fight is in my mind. It always is. Find the positive in things. Don't project my depression on others... by this I mean, to not put words in peoples' mouths, speaking of how horrible I am. Respect my own strength, and intelligence. Trust myself. Honestly, if I wake up tomorrow with a clear head, the world is mine and everything I've ever dreamt for, aimed for, worked for, bled for, is here. This is what winning feels like. Congratulations, you did it all. The flip side is that if I wake up tomorrow defeated, I have nothing, because I can destroy everything so quickly, and I can be so incapacitated by negativity and fear. It's not going to be easy. I am in a truly dark and scary place right now, with my health, and I have enormous pressure on my shoulders. But I am, if I am honest with myself, both scared of, and capable of handling it. Breathe. Slowly. Breathe.
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