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nhs44 last won the day on April 16 2012

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  1. Duck, I'm sorry I can't offer you anything but thanks for responding Chucapabra, thanks for your comment. At 23 I was lonely already, but I think I still thought I would meet someone, there were worse people than me in happy relationships. I can't believe it's 19 years later and still nobody has ever taken any interest in me at all. I can't believe I'm that abhorrent but it seems I am so thinking that it still could happen is almost a cruel prolonging of the inevitable end, alone.
  2. I've been alone all my life. Never had a date, never had a long term relationship, never had someone confirm I'm worth spending time with. While I can sometimes believe that it's all just bad timing, I wonder how long I can survive the soul crushing emptiness of being so utterly unloveable. There are times when I think that it just hasn't happened for me yet - how many times have I heard that chestnut? - or that it's never too late, the fact remains that at 42, I'm an old maid. So what is the point? I really can't be bothered hanging onto his futile existence if for the next 42 years it's just going to be a repeat of the first. Maybe the universe ensures that undesirables don't have a chance to pass on their unwanted genes. Maybe I should give it a helping hand. But even after after all that, I can't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, someone might see something of value That maybe someone would realise I'm worth it. But who am I kidding?
  3. Over the years I got my apartment into an appalling mess I just couldn't face. I couldn't tell if my mess was making me feel worse, or if my worsening mood was making me messier...kind of chicken or egg scenario. Since January I've been dealing with cancer in my family (Mum, not me) and a new stressful promotion at work which when combined with the low I was already at from last year, almost had me at breaking point. it's the first time in my life I've actually seriously been close to just chucking everything in, but I couldn't do that to my Mum. Something had to give so I took a week off work and stayed home (first time ever taking leave without going anywhere). For the first few days I spent 15-20 minutes doing what rmalcolm88 suggested - walking around with a garbage bag, but also throwing out clothes and shoes I hadn't worn for 6 months or more. Then I started to spend more time tidying and cleaning as I could see the progress and then by the end of the week I had thrown out 8 bags of rubbish and 4 bags of clothing for charity. I felt so much better. You may not be in a position to take time of work, but I think just starting to clear the clutter for a short time everyday will start you on the right path. The other thing I made an effort to do was identify things that did not belong in that room and return them to where they should be. I read somewhere once that each room has a purpose and a function and there should be nothing in that room other than things that serve that purpose (decorations aside). If I couldn't find a place for it, then I'd evaluate it's importance and when I last used it. If it was longer than 6 months, in the garbage bag. I hope you can start to make some progress. I know it seems like a huge insurmountable task right now, but chipping away slowly will start to make a difference. Good Luck x
  4. People who are happy enough in their lives have absolutely no idea how to deal or cope with people who aren't. I think my friends would care, but I don't think they would cope if I were to lay out my thoughts in all their gory details. You're in danger of coming off bitter/negative/defeatist and that's not something our society is built to deal with. That's where these forums come in, I hope you can find someone to hear you.
  5. 41, never had a date, I can sympathise with your loneliness. People ask me if I'm just too picky, I wish that were that case, the truth is that no guy has ever wanted to get to know me. It's probably a self worth issue but then that's just chicken and the egg. I assume people don't want to know me or be with me and so I distance myself to save myself from the inevitable rejection, stupid move. i would probably be invited to more things if I opened myself up to people but then...well I've already said how I feel so no, you're not alone. Although the mere fact that you've dated someone tells me that there is at least one person out there who thinks you're worth the time. Believe it.
  6. Well if she said to call, then call. If she doesn't want to go she'll make an excuse and you can put it to rest. I'm hopeless at keeping at contact with people and even though my intentions are good, it can be months before I respond. Good luck x
  7. Funny that I'm back here just over 12 months to the day of my last post. I don't expect any responses, there was none to my last one, but I think I just find it cathartic to put my thoughts down as though someone is listening, while still remaining anonymous. The last 9 months have been a roller coaster. Just when I thought I might be starting to feel better, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer and I realised I was just fooling myself. I cried myself to sleep for 5 months. I only just hung on and I only kept it together as Mum needed me. She's in the clear now (hopefully!), and I'm back to where I started. I realised I can never put her through the stress and anxiety I've felt while she's battled cancer and so I smile, and laugh, and pretend I'm a happy 40-something overweight singleton who never brings anyone home to meet the parents. A role I've perfected over years of misery. I'm so lonely I don't even know how to be with anyone. And who would want me anyway? I've kept myself going all these years by travelling and seeing the world, always thinking that surely one day someone would take an interest in me. I'm sure there are worse people than me who are happily married, but who am I kidding. I have to face this life alone, for as long as I can bear it. Bizarrely at the same time I've spiralled down into further despair, I've had pay rises and promotions at work. It's funny how you can think of yourself as completely worthless and then someone sees something else. it's a shame it's only work that ever sees my potential, god knows I never have and neither has anyone else in my personal life. Random thoughts, tears before bedtime. Thanks for listening.
  8. Hearin' you. I don't have any advice or words of comfort to offer you - our situations are very different but I can understand your pain. I just didn't want you to go unanswered, hang in there and find something that you enjoy, even just a little bit.
  9. I won't beat around the bush : I'm view myself as fat, ugly and completely repellent both physically and personality-wise. Friends tell me I'm attractive, good fun with a great sense of humour and being fairly tall, can carry my weight. I've even had a guy tell me I'd be really pretty if I lost some weight (gee thanks, you've actually just called me fat and ugly). I can honestly say I could stand to lose 50 pounds and having actually lost those 50 pounds in the past, can say it still didn't make me feel any more attractive and I still remained single. Plus there are many, many overweight people in relationships, so it can't just be that. That leaves personality. So many people bang on about looking for personality, so then I must be lacking in that as well. As I said, I have some great friends who seek my company and a boss actually told me he's disappointed when I can't make work functions as everyone has to try a bit harder so I can't be that yawn-inducing or awful. So while I look in the mirror and see someone relatively normal looking with some ok features (with some extra pounds, granted) and hear people laughing at my jokes, and inviting me places, I still have the unshakeable truth that I must be a troll. After all, I've been single all my life and have never been asked out on a date. So would my depression suddenly ease if I became more attractive? I don't think so, I would still be utterly repellent.
  10. What an amazing epiphany you've had! I'm going to google that profiling and take a look at it as I truly and whole-heartedly believe I am unlovable, well to the opposite sex that is. You see, no one has ever taken an interest beyond friendship in me - I've always been the overlooked wallflower or "funny friend", nobody has ever asked me out, or even bothered to get to know me better, I've never been anyone's crush or special someone. Now I'm even getting too old to have children, so that's another love I'll never experience. I just want to give my love to someone, but nobody wants it.
  11. nhs44

    Maybe I'm Just Lazy

    Interesting thought. My biggest vice is laziness. I've always been lazy and bizarrely, I actually hate it...but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. At work I put in the minimum effort usually but luckily I'm pretty good at what I do so it's not viewed externally as minimum effort. At home, my place is a tip, I never exercise, and I've stopped even cooking proper meals for myself. I loathe myself and how lazy and pathetic I am. It seems the sadder I get, the lazier I become - or is it the other way around? I frequently call myself a lazy, fat, useless b*tch but perhaps if I pulled my finger out, exercised, ate well, cleaned up and stepped up a notch at work I may regain some self respect and with that, some confidence, and maybe even some happiness. But I can't be bothered, I'm too lazy. i hope one of us can get up off the couch, or get out of bed early tomorrow and do something constructive. All the best to you
  12. No Surprises has long been one of my favourite songs. I could listen to it over and over again.
  13. I know how you feel. I've been single all my life (I'm 40) and the weight of that pain crushes my soul. On paper I'm pretty successful - good job, good income, good friends, almost own my apartment outright, good sense of humour (or so I've been told), travel a lot - but I feel like a complete failure at life. The friends I have are really good people who are a lot of fun and actively seek my company, so I know I can't be completely boring or awful. And yet not once in my 40 years have I ever been asked out on a date. No one has ever wanted to spend time with me on a more intimate level than just as friends. So yeah, I can totally understand how even seeing a loving couple is enough to send you into a downward spiral. I breakdown just seeing baby ads on telly, how sad is that? Just another one of life's pleasures I will never experience. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can find someone to share your life with. I'd not wish my pain on anyone.
  14. I dwell on the past a lot too, when I'm feeling particularly down. I think it must go hand in hand, and definitely only ends up making me feel 10 times worse. I think about people who've had the same opportunities as I have but have done so much better for themselves. I think about people in my life I was once interested in - if I had somehow acted / spoken differently, been a different person, would they have noticed me and liked me back, and would I have been able to build a happy life with them. I think about people I detested (and still dislike) who've advanced in their careers, married nice people and have beautiful families - is it really me that's the horrible one? How can others not see how truly awful they are? Ultimately could've, should've, would've doesn't get you anywhere and the only thing left is to make it count now. I agree that our society makes everything a competition but I guess it's up to us whether or not we choose to compete, and then how we deal with the fall out of not competing. And even if you've won some competitions in others' eyes (have a job, house, marriage, friends), that's still not necessarily going to be enough to make you complete / content / happy. I have a good job, a good income, some good friends and live in a small apartment I almost own outright in a nice area. Some would say that's doing really well, however my heart has crumbled to dust inside my chest and even watching romantic films or families can make me dissolve in despair. I loathe myself and who I am. Sorry I've actually lost the point of what I was trying to say. Ultimately I think me, and a lot of unhappy people, are guilty of dwelling on what other's have achieved and not recognising our own achievements. And of constantly moving the goal posts so that no matter if you do find that job with a steady income that pays the rent and puts food on the table, that's no longer enough. In the words of Lady_blue54, I think I need to shut up, sorry.
  15. I feel really ungrateful considering all I have in my life, but Christmas is starting to feel really sad, empty and pointless for me. My mother longs for grandchildren and despite having 3 kids in their 40's, none of us has delivered yet. It makes me feel like a failure. Nobody wanted me to start to a family with me. Nobody has ever wanted to spend any time with me. Nobody has ever thought i was special. It's too late now. But even after all of that, it was better than I thought it would be. I'm pleased you enjoyed yours.
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