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  1. Curtis81

    Vicious Cycle

    I'm glad if I was of help! And good for you for getting rid of that creep of a guy. Getting rid of someone like that must be a relief. Playing mind games, getting to you in a way he had - he must have some big issues himself, I don't think any normal or "sane" person would do that. Well, no matter what his problems are, he is yesterday's news now for you! :coophaha: It's good if you've got a positive attitude towards counseling. Medication might help some, but I haven't gotten much out of it. I've got severe depression myself. There's no reason not to go to a doctor, too. They could examine you and your situation, make a diagnosis of what you are suffering from. It's important to know what exactly you are suffering from. It would be good information for your counselor too, and also for yourself. I've got two diagnoses myself and they describe the problems I have, so they are useful to know. I'd recommend a doctor, a psychiatrist, too, but you of course do as you think is best. Good luck for your efforts!
  2. Curtis81

    Vicious Cycle

    You seem to check in a number of symptoms of being depressed. You say you've felt sad and down for ages. You've lost joy in most things. You write about hopelessness and despair, you describe yourself in awfully negative words. You don't love yourself and feel no one does. There's a lot of sadness and feeling bad in what you write. And some articulations of hopelessness are there too. I'm no doctor, but a lot what you write sounds like you are depressed. It's not a question of losing weight - we aren't in a "normal" state by any means. If it were that easy, you'd do it, right? Making big changes in one's life while feeling as bad as this is very difficult. I wouldn't say impossible, but a lot more difficult compared to someone who feels okay in their lives. It sounds very sad the way you write about your visit to the nursing home. I too have thought similar thoughts about myself. And I've even thought worse than that - maybe you have too? Despair, when it comes, is an awful, awful thing. Even worse if there's no one to share it with, no one to give comfort. I definitely would encourage you to see a doctor, as quick as you can. I also would encourage you to think about psychotherapy. I'd reckon the doctor might prescribe you with some medication, and it's always worth a try. But with these issues just medication isn't enough. You should see someone who you could talk to regarding your problems. If you've never been in a relationship, well, you must carry around a lot of sadness and hurt because of this. I've had some relationships, but not one where I could say I was in love. I'm not that young anymore, youngish, but not that young, and it truly hurts not to have been in a loving relationship. These things should be talked about with a psychologist or a therapist, just getting a medication isn't enough in my opinion. So I hope you could consider some kind of talking thing too, besides going to the doctor. And the doctor might be able to help you with that too. It's good that you write people at work think you funny, intelligent and happy. That doesn't take away what you feel alone at home, not at all. But it must mean there's some small amounts of happiness there, something that keeps you going. And I hope you'll never lose that part of yourself. But in order to keep those small bits of happiness and not have despair run over you I'd really encourage you to seek help. Sooner rather than later. It sounds like you've been lonely for too long, and I wouldn't wish that for anyone. I've got some experience in this too. All the best for you.
  3. Shame indeed is mostly a useless emotion for most of us who already know how to behave ourselves. If anything it becomes an emotion that will greatly limit our ability to function in social settings. A lot of times I'm ashamed of myself as I'm walking down the street even. That would be ridiculous if it wasn't so painful. I don't think you need to be ashamed of having stayed with that man who treated you that badly. You believed him, maybe you thought he might change, you maybe were too trusting or too kind at least. Being too kind and forgetting your own needs isn't something to be ashamed of - but it definitely is a problem. In a relationship it's important to never forget your own self, as that can lead to situations that only cause you pain. I had a "relationship" of a kind where she mislead me a great deal, and I was continuously afraid she would leave me, abandon me. Eventually I was the one to walk away as I learned the true circumstances of our non-relationship, but I could have done it a bit earlier if I had been truly honest to myself. I wasn't, and I got hurt as a consequence. I learnt something, though, and won't allow anything similar to happen again. I have therapy where I deal with shame - amongst other things. It appears I've felt shame within my own family a lot, often for something I didn't do or for some circumstances which were unfair to begin with. I didn't seem to live for myself - I had to live for my parents. To live through their wishes, needs, wants and not them guiding me for who I was but who they thought I was. My father has said recently he thought I was similar to him - I'm anything but. The shame I was left with seems sometimes overwhelming but I'm also trying to learn that it's often because of my parents that I'm ashamed of, not because of any wrong thing I did in the present. It isn't easy for women, but it isn't easy for men either, especially if you carry around a lot of shame and shyness. Maybe it's only in my own head but I still feel I have to hide my feelings of vulnerability and sensitivity. It's not something we are expected to express as men. Yet there's no acceptable reason for it. I don't think there is any acceptable, logical reason why men should feel any less sensitive than what they are - and definitely not because that role would be reserved for women only. I think that is rubbish and one reason for men suffering, turning to drink or worse. We as people are all sensitive in our own ways and should be able to express it in any way we feel natural to us. Maybe in a thousand years that day will come.
  4. Hello, Yesterday, I managed to do it! It did require one benzodiazepine beforehand, but I went back there again as I felt the longer I put off going there, the harder it gets. I figured that she's not available but felt that I could still be friendly and polite towards her. And I wanted to be, as she's been polite towards myself, and I've liked it each time. I thought I wanted to return the favour, so to speak.. I waited for a time when her coworker was not around, went in with my cup to ask for another drink (tea), and asked her about some work she'd been doing behind her counter. She replied, commented on something about me, and we made a few remarks about the weather. She then blushed a bit and withdrew, and I returned to my seat. I was smiling as I returned. :) I figured that this is not likely to lead into any dating thing, and I was correct later on when some young man entered the place, who seemed to know her and who she seemed to know. I was happy nevertheless having spoken to her and having this good feeling between us in our little moment. I was nervous, of course, and that has an effect, but I managed to not be overcome by my nervousness, which is what happens almost 100% of the time. I was happy afterwards, and I think she likes me as a customer at least. I might make an effort to joke or something some other time but will remember not to overdo it if she's seeing someone else. I don't want to make a fool out of myself usually.. Maybe let her know indirectly that I find her agreeable, but not to do anything outside of that. I think it's good to respect other people's circumstances. My abandonment issues have been plentiful and painful.. My first experiences - or lack of them to be more precise - in dating were as I was 16 years of age as I couldn't manage to approach a girl from my class who liked me, and of whom I felt the same. I just could not do it. At the time it was impossible. She wasn't intimidating at all, she was nice and sweet - but I was as unable to do it. It was such a pain, and I hasn't gotten that much easier over the years. Thanks to my family circumstances at the time, I felt 100% certain I was useless and unlovable. And when you feel it as strongly as I did, you become unlovable - no one will be able to reach you. And I've still got a lot of work over this. It is incredible, how the mind can work against you if your beginnings were too painful. These days my parents do express some amounts of care, concern and affection, in their own way, but back then when I was dependent upon them in so many ways - there was very little of it around. And they certainly never said the L-word to me. Which is kind of a basic thing to say when it comes to families. Not with us it wasn't. And I guess deep down I hate them for it, for their inability to act as normal parents.
  5. Hello, I think this bf is not that new, I've heard of her speak of someone similar earlier. I've got a lot of abandonment issues. And whenever I experience anything along these previous experiences, it tends to get me very, very down. Which is what happened last night, when I posted here. I'm starting to feel maybe a little better now. I still feel ashamed for wanting to look at her in her eyes. Her response was to not look at me, like I wrote above. I understand this, but I feel shame and hurt as a result. I don't want to continue looking like that, it has the possibility of leading into awkward feelings between us, and I don't want that. It's good advice though, to continue being friendly to her as a practice. I might make a comment or two with her by the counter, if I am in the mood at the moment. I often find it easier to talk to someone if I have no attraction towards them, I feel more comfortable and at ease. Wish I could feel comfortable and at ease even while I was attracted to someone, but I haven't been able to be that way in many, many years. The fear of rejection seems to make me very nervous each time. It's not that rational though - if someone I don't even know doesn't want to talk to me, is it that such a big loss if you think about it objectively? It's not, but my previous experiences and my depressed state make me feel that way. I don't have a single social hobby at the moment. I used to participate in voluntary work before, but I've pretty much dropped it now. I've been avoiding these kinds of situations too. Actually I seem to avoid a lot of situations and places these days, it's not good for me. You have good ideas for your own situation - a hiking group sounds nice, you could combine exercise, being outdoors and maybe meeting people. A gun club is interesting too, I'm sure you would attract attention being a woman in what I think is a very masculine hobby. A good idea I think, and I hope you could succeed in pursuing these interests. Do you feel men are intimidated by your assertiveness? I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. I hope you will find someone new for you one of these days. Thanks for your reply!
  6. I feel tired at all this. The worst part is being so lonely all of the time. I know a few people here, but I don't think I can "connect" properly usually. Partly because I've become withdrawn and lost the ability to think, to act spontaneously and partly because of the people I know, how compatible I am with them and they with me. But it feels so painful and alone in all of this. Can I talk to anyone about the few pages I've managed to read of a book? No. Can I talk to anyone about yesterday's movie? No. Can I take someone out for a walk, if I felt like having a walk? No. Can I talk to someone about some woman I have a small crush on, for advice? No. Can I vent to someone if someone had behaved badly towards myself? No. Can I exchange mostly meaningless comments on some stupid facebook and feel unhappy doing it? Yes. Like I said, I know some people, but I'm afraid that deep bond and connection is missing between myself and any of those people. I hate this.
  7. I've now started to think there was a reason she didn't get into eye contact with me. There usually are reasons for people to act the way they do, and I can't think of many other possibilities than not being that interested. Now a part of me starts to think I should be ashamed of my interest - even though I don't think I should. Part of me does, though. Like it was futile for me to become interested in the first place, as if I would be interesting to someone else in turn. I shouldn't think these negative thought that make me feel bad, but a part of me feels that way, like I wasn't someone who could be loved and valued by others. I've felt lonely for a number of years. Maybe if I said that despite of the people I've known and been in contact with - not that many people, but still, some - I've still felt loneliness within me. Loneliness and the feeling of being different, inferior in some way, have been a part of my life even before adulthood. This must be the reason why I've felt anxious and sad after today's visit at the coffee shop. It's not just that I won't be able to start to get to know someone I'm attracted to, but that all of this reminds me of something that I've suffered from all of these years. Loneliness due a lack of relationship, loneliness amongst "friends" and loneliness amongst my "family". I called dad today and I don't think it helped in these feelings at all. Well.. It's 12 PM over here now, and I should head off to bed soon. I'm hoping tomorrow morning won't be very sad because of all this, but I'm fearing it will. These things don't go away just because I wished they would. I don't think they will go away until I can overcome my feelings of shyness and avoidance of social situations, and maybe some day find true friends, maybe even real love.
  8. Curtis81

    I'm Useless.

    It's difficult for an outsider to say why you are that way. This change you describe sounds really dramatic. Like you wrote of being completely the opposite girl of who you were. Can you remember of anything particular happening whilst you took your turn for the worse? Was there any bad event or circumstance which may have upset you? Or something in the present day that might have reminded you of something painful in your past? Now that I re-read Trace's reply I'm also wondering whether your change occurred because of your boyfriend of 8 years. Did you change all on your own, or did you perhaps respond to something in your boyfriend? That he started to beat you was wrong, and maybe he started to abuse you in other, not as apparent ways earlier on, and you started to become paranoid and angry as a result? I'd also recommend a therapist for you. It sounds like you are really hurting inside, being that lonely and frightened. I hope you could find some professional person who could help you with these issues. They are too much for anyone to go through all by themselves.
  9. Hello, I've been single for years now, and don't like it that much. I need and want the physical and mental intimacy of it all. Yet, I've had to be years without it, without touching that special someone. There's someone working at a coffee shop I frequently go to - partly because of them, of course. But I do like the place anyways. This someone feels to have sent me some signals occasionally. Whenever I'm leaving the place she often makes sure she greets me as I leave. I've made it a habit of greeting anyone who works there as I leave, but I think she often greets me first. About two times she's said something like "Have a happy Easter" or "Have a nice weekend" as I've left, something no one else there does. I've always replied that back at her, with some bewilderment and some feeling of happiness too. She seems nice, talkative and attractive, someone who seems to get along well with her co-workers. Then again, she's sometimes talked of some guy by name - which doesn't take a lot to figure out this being her boyfriend. Today I looked at her direction a few times, before her having mentioned this guy by name, and after having said it. She didn't seem to make an effort to meet my looks which I generally take as a note of not interested. As I arrived today there, she served me coffee and we exchanged a few words - I had to "withdraw" at a point of this contact as I started to get a bit shy. After this, she didn't seem to make an effort to meet my looking at her. It appears like she is in a relationship, and I respect that. I don't think it's all that clever to start making moves if you know they are not available, so to speak. Then again, I find it occasionally bewildering that she's often/occasionally made sure to acknowledge me as I've left the place in a way the others won't do. They do greet me too, no problem or anything about them, but occasionally she's seemed to make a little extra effort on her part. I've always liked it, but have not been able to show it that much - I am quite shy. Today I was left wondering whether I should have stayed in the beginning in our exchanging of words, to see where it goes, and if my leaving had made any mark in her to the negative. If I'd not been so shy, I'd have stayed, but I'm not, so I didn't. I'm trying to work at my shyness and all but for the moment it's about the same thing about being more brave as if I had wings, I could fly - I don't, so I can't. For now. I don't think I would ask her out as I've heard of this guy, but I'd like to have stayed, maybe make a few jokes and see what happens, but not asking her out. I generally prefer not making a fool out of myself. I think it's rubbish to have to ponder at something like this. I'd prefer if I was more brave at things, didn't mind other people's opinions of me so much, so that I could do my own thing and be proud of myself, whatever happened. Anyone else feel the same?
  10. Curtis81

    Anyone Else Ever Feel This?

    You wouldn't think you miss crying, but when you start to experience the numbness yourself, then it becomes clear.. I started a medication a few weeks back and felt crying became more and more difficult. Almost impossible even. At that point I started to feel the medication does more harm than good.. How can you cope with your processes and feelings if you can't cry? My situation seems to have improved a bit during this week, crying has become possible again. I do hope the same for you.. Anyone needs to be able to cry, to release stress and to grieve for pain/loss etc. Would it be possible for you to talk to your doctor and maybe change the medication?
  11. Curtis81

    How Is Everyone Doing On Df?

    I had suicidal urges too after having recently started a new med. It lasted a whole week for me. It was not fun at all. Meds can often do that for you.. Maybe it helps if you are aware of this that it's the brain chemistry speaking and not your own true self? Hope your next week will be better.
  12. Curtis81

    Writing Therapy

    This is good advice, thanks for sharing! :) I've done some amounts of writing but obviously I have to do a lot more. Also, I haven't tried the "Writing your story" and "The mind dump" techniques, but ought to give both of them a try. Especially the latter might bring some help into the confusion that is my mind.. Again, thanks for sharing!
  13. Curtis81

    Weird Feelings

    Hello, I've been in counseling for a number of years now. I would say that there has to be a reason for your depression. I understand when you say there isn't a reason. But based on my own experience I'd say the reason is there, you just aren't aware of this. It is buried in one's subconscious. I think depression is one's mind reacting defensively into past events in one's life. When I started to develop depression, I too, was unaware of any reason or sense for why I felt as bad as I felt, and still feel. It was, still is, a defense mechanism due to something I wasn't able to deal with previously. I feel that depression as a mechanism, illness, phenomenon in one's mind is so strong, so overwhelming compared to one's healthy mind that was before that I'd find it to be impossible for there not being a reason to one's depression. Yes, I feel it's impossible for depression to develop without any reason at all. I'm starting to find my own reasons through counseling, and I'm hoping you too could go and see someone, psychologist, therapist or someone, so you would be able to start finding your own reasons too. When you feel sad and miserable seemingly without any reason, it is one of the worst feelings in the world. At least for me it has been that. But through help, you start to discover the reasons and can start to unload the burden that you are carrying in the form of depression. I hope you will be able to seek out professional help for this.
  14. Maybe a combination of these three fellas right here:
  15. Curtis81

    Going To A Support Group

    I don't think you're over-analyzing. I too think it's not a good thing if the group leader is not a professional, or at least someone who has not undergone effective treatments. It doesn't work if the group leader is on the same "level" as the others - it becomes difficult for them to play their role correctly. But it seemed to be a good experience by the end of it and maybe you'll be going there again? Did it seem like there was someone you would like to talk to outside of the group, maybe after your meetings have ended? That is one way of meeting new people.