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About goggthegrunt

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  • Birthday 08/24/1994

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  1. Thanks again for your help leebux. Unfortunately I don't think my mom would allow me to talk to a doctor about anxiety with college. She'd have me talk to her instead. She tries to keep things within the family as much as possible. I'm hoping that I'll be able to hold on until college, but anything can happen. For all I know, a situation may present itself that will allow me to convey my thoughts to my mom.
  2. April 17, 2012 1. My driver's licence arrived in the mail (even though my permit picture on it is terrible). 2. I'm becoming more independent. 3. I'm realizing a lot of things in life all around (vague, but it's hard to put into words).
  3. Hi cassmat, I'm a senior in high school and I don't really know how helpful my comments will be, but I'm trying to provide another perspective from another teenager. I find it hard to get myself to go to school every morning I wake up, but I guess it's for different reasons. However, I feel that my peers do have the ability to influence my emotional state and many other things greatly. Even though people say you shouldn't really care about what other people say about it, it is really hard not to. When I was in my last year of junior high/middle school, I was absent from school for about three weeks. I was initially gone for two days because I had been suspended for something silly, stupid, and minor, but when I finally came back, a lot of the other kids were making fun of me and saying I was gone so long because I went to jail or I was in juvenile detention for what I had done to get me suspended (even though what I was suspended for would not be close to warranting juvenile detention). Their words felt like knives, and just thinking back to those memories feels painful. I don't know how I managed to keep going, but I guess the idea that I only had a couple months left in the school year and I'd be going off to high school, a big place where I could start fresh. I understand why she wouldn't want to go because of these peer pressures. There are alternatives to going to an actual school institution such as home schooling or if she has passed, the high school exit exam (I don't know if other states besides my state, California, have them, but I think they do), she can always choose to get her GED and go straight to college (most likely a junior college first and then transferring to full university). When I was a sophomore, I was considering the latter option since I had passed my high school exit exam (we take it in 10th grade), but I ultimately did not choose that path. Looking back, I don't regret that decision because I feel that the social aspect of high school was important, but I also think the fact that I had two more years to mature and grow as a person makes me more prepared for college. I feel that two years, especially during the high school years, are a time of great change and character growth because I don't see myself as the same person I was two years ago. Again, I'm only a senior in high school, so I don't know much this really contributed. However, I hope that comments I put forth do help a little. I hope everything turns out alright.
  4. Thanks so much for the support everyone. (: I've found that my parents do have a lot of problems of their own, especially my father. My brother had told me he has had problems going on at his work for a long time, which is why he's been especially irritable as of late, but I realize that the disconnect between my dad's life and mine works both ways. Just like he doesn't know about anything in my life, I don't understand anything going on his either. I shouldn't be so quick to condemn him and rule him out. Thank you for affirming this idea. Unfortunately, I don't have the means of transportation to reach my family's pediatrician (I'll be switching doctors soon also since I'll be of age within the year), so that option is not very viable to me. A close friend of mine has suggested that when I'm off in college in the Fall to try and make do any resources I can at the college such as any therapy or assistance of some form that exists there, so that's definitely something I will try to look into. I was once looking around my mother's room for something I had lost and I found a book on something relevant to my situation (I can't remember if it was directly about depression, but it was certainly prevalent to my situation) that she bought when all the events started. I think now she has dismissed depression and other similar issues as things that aren't plausible even though they're very real problems to me. I would tell her, but I don't know how. My mother has never been in a situation like this before and I don't know how to explain the situation to her without her questioning me or causing her to freak out. As of now, the most I'm trying to do is take care of myself and become independent by looking after myself and taking on a lot of the house chores my mother used to do. I figured that I will have to independent in college and always having something to do will keep my mind occupied on the task at hand, and I feel that I'm ultimately just trying to avoid telling my mom about anything until I go off to college in the Fall.
  5. I relate. I wish I was better in every way possible, smarter, more social, better looking, becase maybe then I could be happy. When I'm not feeling down, I tend to work towards that goal, and it's one of the few things that motivates me to keep going a lot of the time, but like Sandcrab said some people fake happiness. I tend to put on a facade of happiness and people have told me that envy my life because it's ostensibly perfect, but it's not. I guess it's true that a lot of happy people are mean or do things that aren't viewed as good by most people, but there are the people that are good and happy. There's this one girl I know that seems to always have an optimistic view, and I guess that's one of the reasons why I have feelings for her. She's able to see the good in people and flip a bad, negative situation into something with a more positive light, but then again she has it all. She's smart, social, funny, pretty, so I really don't know where her happiness stems from. For all I know, it could because she's so blessed.
  6. That books seems really interesting. I think I'm going to check it out when I have the time. Hopefully I'll be able to get my hands on a copy of that book. I've always liked writing a daily journal, but I could never find the commitment and time to do it everyday. Maybe what you described is what I need. Thanks for the suggestion! (:
  7. I know that this is a community where we listen and support each other, but it's just that I can't get rid of the feeling that I am a burden and I waste people's time. Some events in my past may explain that, but I don't think that really pertains to the topic of this thread. I'm sure that what my mother said was just something of the moment. I guess when my depression first started, my mom realized all the events that were going on and took me to two different therapists. I didn't end up saying a word to either therapist. I don't know why, but when I was there I just couldn't trust either of them and I just have an incredibly hard time talking to people about pressing matters in my life. I've never seen a doctor about my depression, so I'm not on any medication. Even though I haven't been formally diagnosed, 75% of these past four-five years, I've been sad, and it got bad enough for me to cause self inflicted damage and constantly contemplate suicide (although I know I'm too much of a coward to actually do it). I don't know if I would find the courage to see a doctor about this, but to do so, I'd need my parents to have knowledge of what's happened in the recent years of my life. I was hoping that this would be the first step. I want to find a way that I'll find the courage to convey to my parents what I'm feeling that won't cause them to overreact, freak out, and simply support me in my fight for recovery.
  8. @LonelyHiker: Thanks! April 2, 2012 1. I've started to make the effort and reach to fix a lot of my problems thanks to this forum. 2. Some broken relationships in my life are starting to be restored. 3. Spring break is coming up!
  9. Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this isn't in the most appropriate sub-forum, but it felt appropriate for my needs. I was hoping on getting the opinion some parents or maybe some other kids that understand my problem. I'm going to recap/story tell a little so there's a better understanding of my situation if that's ok. I'm going to apologize now for being disjunct and unorganized structurally. I've been depressed for four-five years since I was in 8th grade, and I'm now a senior in high school. In 8th grade a lot of things happened that ultimately pushed me into depression though I guess you could say it started long before then. I have a communicating with my parents, and I've never formally been diagnosed with depression because of that. My relationship with my parents is very complicated, and a large part of it is probably due to my personality. I have a very isolationist personality at home and I tend to just lock myself away from the world and keep to myself, which I'll explain later. I don't have a problem talking to my friends as long as it's not in person or over the phone. I have to talk to them through some silent methods such as through the computer, text messaging, letters/notes, etc. Some of my friends try to take care of me as best as they can, and I understand they can't do everything because they have their own things and there is only so much they can do. I guess I'll start of with my father, his personality, and my relationship with him. My father was abusive when I was a child and he'd often verbally or physically abuse me. He almost threw me out of my house if my mom and brother didn't save me in the nick of time. I remember crying and hanging on to the door border with all my strength as he was lifting me out of the house to the late, dark hours of night. He's very disconnected from my life and isn't really much of a father to me. He forgets my age and doesn't have the slightest idea of what goes on in my personal, academic, or just general life. I don't have much memories with him either. I remember once going to a local park with one of my school's competing science teams for a picnic for winning some medals in our regional science competition. While I was there I saw all these young children playing catch with their fathers and just wished I could have had an experience like that. He didn't teach me how to ride a bike, swim, fish, or anything really. Ever since I was a child he'd always be screaming and yelling at someone whether it was me, my brother, sister, or my mom. He had a pacemaker placed in his heart when I was in 5th grade and he promised me that he would change because he needed that pacemaker as a result of his diet and the effects from him being angry so much. It was an empty promise and nothing really changed. My father never really abused my older brother or sister as much as he did with me, and I'm not too worried about them because my sister is in college and my brother's heading off to medical school. I don't see him much anymore because I lock myself in my room and part of the reason for that is because I didn't want to deal with all the screaming and yelling. I can still hear it blasting through my walls and ceiling (we have two floor and my room is on the bottom), but at least it's not at me. I feel bad that he's still yelling at someone else though, and I just wish it would stop. My father's also disowned my several times verbally and all it would really be is not speaking from anywhere from one to three weeks, which isn't really hard for me to do. He's also induced three panic attacks for me (at least my siblings and mom told me they were panic attacks; I just started shaking uncontrollably out of fear and couldn't really speak; I guess it's more like shock? I'm not really sure, but it's like the cartoons when the characters get really scared), but I'd rather not get into those right now. My dad isn't all bad though. I know that deep down he means well because on occasion he used to spontaneously surprise my family and I with nice gifts or by doing something thoughtful. Though that happened when I was younger (as in ten years ago) and now not so much. All in all, my relationship with my father isn't so great and I can't really see it going anywhere. My relationship with my mother is a lot more complicated and she's the only true parental figure I have. When I was younger (ages 5 and lower) she used to be somewhat abusive as well by punishing me with needles. I remember picking something off my skin all the time a couple days after she poked/stabbed me with needles. I'm assuming that those were scabs, but I'm not entirely sure. Eventually my mother reformed herself because she decided that wasn't the mother she wanted to be. She really does try her best and devotes herself a lot to my siblings and I, and I never really had a problem with my relationship with my mother until 8th grade. A bunch of events happened and eventually I got suspended from school for something silly and stupid that I won't get into right now, but my mother told me that maybe it was a mistake having me and that she didn't really want me anymore. I wasn't like my brother and sister, who never got into trouble and were just as good as me if not better. I know it was just something she probably said because she was too devastated and overwhelmed by what had happened, but those words continue to haunt me. She always makes an effort to talk to me and communicate with me. I don't like talking, especially about personal things, and I've told her this, but I don't really think she understands. It makes me really uncomfortable having to talk about personal things if it it's not with a friend and even then, it's really hard and I normally revert to some silent method of communicating. She also tends to be very judgmental and overprotective. She often condemns many of friends as bad influences and people because she doesn't know the entirety of it all and she doesn't know how much they really care about me and misunderstands the things they do. It makes me kind of upset that she judges my friends when she doesn't even know what they do for me. She's also very overprotective and doesn't give me much freedom to go out and I always have a fear of asking her for things because she's also so interrogative. I feel like if she loosened up her restrictions, it'd help a lot more because I wouldn't be on lockdown in this house all the time. I can't even take a walk to get some air if I wanted to. I'm also scared about how my mom would react to a lot of things. In the past, my sadness has driven me to hurt myself on multiple occasions and I just end up hiding my self inflicted damage in some way like wearing long sleeves all the time. I don't want to hurt my mother, but I wish there was just some easy way for me to talk to her and convey things to her. This last bit isn't really about my parents, but I don't really want my siblings involved. If anything, I just want to communicate to my mom and keep things that way. I feel that it's important to communicate with her as it will lift a large burden off my shoulders and answer a lot of the questions my mother might have, but I just find it so hard to communicate with her. If there's any clarification or extra details you might want to know, just let me know. I feel like such a burden posting my problems here because I hate asking people for help. I don't want to take away from their time, but thank you for your time and thank you for reading. I'm sorry if I wasted any of your time.
  10. I've lost friends that I used to be very close with. I've even lost a girlfriend because of the effects of my depression. Some people just aren't willing to put up with these things and just leave and drift away. I've actually been confronted by one of my friends about how she was annoyed with my depression and my problems, the worst part about it was that I had feelings for her at the time. Oh well.
  11. Today was alright for me. I feel tired because my sleeping has been really off lately and I'm probably going to end up taking a nap later because I'm too exhausted. There wasn't really anything great today nor was there really any reason for it being bad though. It feels on the more glum side though. I'm happy I discovered this forum though. Even though not all my words are going to matter to a lot of people or even be read, it's really nice to find some place to get things out and just talk about things.
  12. Yeah, this actually happens to me a lot. In fact it happened to me last night. I didn't get any sleep and even though I had plenty of time to fall asleep, I found myself lying there for hours and when I went to go check the time, it was time to get up. The unfortunate thing for me is that it often throws of my sleeping patterns because then my body seems to get used not sleeping at the time I want even when I'm tired and then I have to find some way to get my sleeping patterns back to normal.
  13. I actually really like this community and I feel very welcomed! I've always been searching for a place where I belong and I feel like I may have finally found that place right here.
  14. I have to agree with everyone about saying that there are ups and downs. For me, I have prolonged periods of depression and random short periods of normality, but it's this constant cycle. I don't think we're a substitute for your counselor, but there's plenty of people here you can talk to if you need someone to talk to. Everyone here supports you, and even though sometimes things seem dark, things really do get better.
  15. "Sometimes it's ok not to be ok" That's from the Jessie J song, "Who You Are."
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