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Everything posted by Frog154

  1. So I've been here in over the years a few times, sometimes more often than others and usually was moaning about stuff etc - as you do, when you're depressed, understandably. So this time just wanted to post that I'm doing well and that things do get better. For me what worked eventually was getting a job I was good at and ending up around people I get on with. There is definitely no one way to do it though, the only advice I can give is just keep going, do all the things you want to but are afraid to do (if you think about it, if you've ever considered taking your life then in a sense you really do have nothing to lose) and keep having the will to be happy. I'd say I'm not 100% there yet but I'm pretty certain I'm going to be back to a reasonably good version of myself. I'm gonna add I did this with all without meds, just exercise but everyone's got their own stance and ideas on this. Anyway, keep going and godspeed, you CAN do this.
  2. Yeah fear of rejection/being hated/disapproval so, so badly. She called me insane and a c**t which is like the worst thing that can happen to me ever, I made a lot of mistakes with her but anyone's disapproval or hate of me but she disintegrates me. I don't want to intentionally be an a-hole but I know this level of self-destruction when someone criticises me (even if they have a point) is not healthy...I then I asked for someone else's view and it's like I then need their approval so....definitely issues there. I'm booked in with something called Talking Therapies here, when women in particular reject me I just die, I think it has something to do with being brought up by mom, I think even seek out relationships where the girls are constantly berating me and/or hate me and I'm not quite content until they hate me.. Question how the hell I go about combating it..?
  3. Hey, So just split up with a girl and I basically made her cry. I kept being nasty and pushing her away, I wasn't good to her at all. I need to like myself to love or even like someone else and i can't seem to do it. How do I stop being like this? How do I start being nice and trying to do things without having hidden agendas? At the root of everything there is fear and I don't know what I'm afraid of. I'm so sick of being obsequious and hurtful to myself and others. I apologise but I do it again. There is a part of me who wants to blame others for my behaviour and I feel like I take advantage of other people's affections towards me. Is there something fundamentally gone from me or what, what do I need to look at?? I feel like I can't keep myself either, like I'm justified to live and that makes my arrogance and selfishness or the worse, what do I do?
  4. I heard you should try giving up porn for 30 days or so, that's what I intend to now, so day one...here goes, I'll report back with what I find. Something has to change and I've got nothing to lose by giving it a go
  5. On the one hand I'm not proud of the fact I 'use' porn most days (maybe 1-2 a day), I'm not like a fanatic or anything and stay away from extreme stuff (and I think at the end of the day you can watch what you like and DO what you like but it just depends if you want to end up in prison or not.. O.o - certainly I wouldn't so). It has made me view woman differently, much more objectively I guess but the remedy has been to go outside and get a taste of the real thing which has been largely a hard slap in the face - and that's ok On the other a lot of girls often seem to want to get me into bed as soon as possible (so it would seem) and give me...good reviews...when everything I've learnt has been from porn...I suppose it's an art of sort after all So yeah, as above if you feel bad doing it then try to cut down or stop otherwise, I dunno it can't be that bad, a lot of people use it and there are people who do it for a living so...
  6. You want to find a balance, sometimes you have to socialize to mix it up and find potential good friends, like notgoingtomakeit is right, you can end up 'feeding' some 'friends' likewise you can also do the same to others...it's about finding those people you end up having a good balance of give and take with and sometimes that requires just getting out there.
  7. If you're psychiatrist or therapist is not making you feel or helping you feel better then ask for a new one. Every psych/counsellor/therapist etc has their own version of what's normal, empathy counts for a lot more than just wanting you to feel a prescribed version of 'better'
  8. Yeah, there are a lot of things though and behaviours I have that I wish I could stop you know? But yeah I get it, thank you :)
  9. Does anyone feel like their genuinely evil, like they've done things and thought things which are so bad they are unforgivable? This is how I feel. There are times when I have the inadequacy depression, when I feel like I don't measure up etc but there are also, most of the time, times when I feel so wrong that I feel like I've got an evil streak that I can't shift or can't undo. How do you deal with it? Do you try to make it right or accept yourself for who you are? I put it in these terms, if you were a ******er, depressed over his crimes, how would you go about feeling good?? Not that I am but once you repent your sins then what else could you do??
  10. Yeah I would argue depression is simply unmissable, that state is so horrid that's it's very existence, by it's nature, cannot be enjoyed in any capacity. I believe people miss the things which supposedly make you depressed, isolating yourself, shirking responsibility etc but not those days when the torment becomes too much to handle and suicide seems like the easiest, most effective release. I'm glad your BF is doing CBT and not drugs, drink and drugs may well be the Cancer that is eroding our society but then there maybe many forces at play that result in the amount of people who are depressed to be gradually increasing over time. Very much like your comment there
  11. I still don't think it's depression you're missing, I don't think you can miss depression because it's a state of sadness and unhappiness which is just unmissable, the very definition of it is something horrible and not nice. I think you're missing things you did whilst depressed or the feeling of just letting go of doing things, I used to feel this way - like spaced out and just floating away but now it's gotten worse I don't even get that anymore. Also if you were on anti-depressants you may well have missed the high from those too. I just don't think you can miss depression, not real depression
  12. They say that you basically get used to whatever mood you're in if you prolong it. I don't think you like depression, I just think you like shutting yourself away from people from time to time or maybe some other element of things that you might do that make you feel depressed in the long run. I don't think anyone ever likes depression since otherwise it wouldn't be an issue, depression wouldn't be depression and no one would seek a cure for it! I think you should look into what you're doing that you want to do when you want to become depressed...I think you want to do those things because they make you feel good or less stressed but I think maybe doing them for too long makes you feel depressed, there maybe a balance to strike that you could use to feel better
  13. I haven't found one particular group of friends at all really, I try and it does help to have stuff in common I was seeing a therapist and was thinking of doing it again. I'm not on meds, I ardently refuse to take those however. Not sure entirely what I'm doing...or right for that matter :/
  14. Hey, Just putting stuff out there to re-assure and inform myself (and maybe others who read this). I often feel bi-polar, most of the time when I feel superior, like my ideas and concepts are so great they can't be understood by other people and other people can't see that my way of life is ideal! Then it'll come crashing down and I'm the freak and everyone else is normal and acceptable, this is my usual swing. I feel like I have no anchor, no one I trust enough with a good grip on reality to understand...and I also know I'm completely arrogant in this regard, it just feels like no one understands so I shut people out...adding to both the above situations. I get the feeling I've become/becoming dangerously anti-social, I often regard other people as just idiots...I've become extremely frustrated and find it hard to function now, I try to be myself but I just seem angry and disgruntled all the time...I truly miss an anchor of some sort I dunno, thoughts, stories and suggestions?
  15. Yeah people tell me I'm good looking now and then but I usually feel like the elephant man :S But thanks :) Yeah I shouldn't even be really chasing anything right now should I? I should be sorting myself out first, but every time I go out or look online I think "I want that" you know as in a relationship or..well, you know.. Yeah I'm still going through the motions of that, I really need to still get all these past issues and present out of the way, that will probably help my relationships better, thanks!
  16. Take little steps, if you want to eat crap or play games etc maybe do it as a reward AFTER doing some work or exercise. As destiny says, don't worry about the times, that's not the primary reason you're doing it for anyway, they can vary for any number of reasons ( I find when I'm stressed out my running can be completely off - but it's still good to do). Yeah just keep going, just do everything in smaller chunks perhaps
  17. I see a bunch of posts on this forum from people who depressed yet are married and stuff like that but I feel like I'm unable to strike even the most basic relationships with people. I feel almost like I'm autistic and in the back of my mind I feel like something will always go wrong and in some way sabotage any bond I make, be with it with male or female but more so with females. I get non-stop headaches and anxiety which seem to re-inforce my belief that I am in some way faulty. I dunno what to do about making friends and keep them or get a girlfriend, I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend, I so strongly believe I am so far damaged that I can't maintain a relationship and I believe owing to coming from a broken home, I don't think I believe in any lasting relationship. What can I do to really get myself out of this rut, I don't think I'm physically hideous (this is me here - http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/gallery/album/1114-my-stuff/ ) but angry a lot of the time and temperamental, yes. :(
  18. I think my original post maybe a good example of basically a mood swing or panic attack. I think this is what I do when I freak out, ultimately I've had a load of tests done and they confirmed nothing (yet you can ALWAYS not believe it and push for more concrete evidence) yet when I'm really down and there seems to be nothing, no feeling whatsoever I think I start to believe it's biology because my mind is just blank of all causation...while it maybe on a chemical level a lack of serotonin (or perhaps a prevalence??) or dopamine flowing through my system I think it may well be part of the depression all the same. I appreciate the support nonetheless
  19. Yeah it's always a matter of perspective. Apparently everyone regarded Winston Churchill as a grumpy a****** because he was so vehemently against the Nazis during their rise to power. Niches exist for a reason and I feel like sometimes people need something to hate as much as they need something to love...just the lines are more blurred these days And yet even knowing all of this I still often feel like the odd one out...but thank you :)
  20. I've been toying with a few ideas for so long, I've had this for 10 years now, nothing seems to offer relief so I question whether it is depression or in fact a physical illness. I say this because I feel like I basically have a cold all the time, muggy head, tension headache, blocked up nose/no sense of smell, itchy throat and that this whole time it's just some kind of infection thing which hasn't gone away. Has anyone had experience with this? Or no for sure how I could determine either? The bottom line is I often don't feel depressed until I try to do things other normal people find easy without all the difficulty I seem to have with them.
  21. I get those 'asides' all the time, always imagining someone criticising me in my head... I think it's almost just a case of trucking on isn't it? Try to eliminate doing the things which result in bad things happening but not desperately try to be something you're not. I find this incredibly difficult myself, I'm sure I'm not the only one though, so good luck to all really
  22. I think slowing down the drink and drugs would be a good idea (you've got to stop taking them eventually unless you plan on doing it forever) and particularly at this point if things are going well. Sorting out the problems will help, little by little, time spent sober will help you more clearly tackle and focus on these, even if it all seems really tangled up right now. I think getting away from Facebook is a good idea, certainly something I should do, there maybe a few more negative influences in your life like that which might be bringing you down, is there anything you can think of that might be adding to your troubles like that? As for anti-depressants, personally I don't like any form of medication but it's got to be a better alternative to drinking and such. Don't make the same mistake I made though, start taking them then stop going out (because of the drinking) what I mean by this is try to see your friends still but maybe go places you don't drink (cinema etc) might work
  23. You say negative, is that just about yourself? It depends on what jobs your applying for, maybe it's not the right path you're taking? Or the interviews you've experienced have been particularly unpleasant? I've been to good interviews and bad ones, not for the outcome but for the way some people can treat you during the interview process
  24. Thank you, I needed to hear that. I think I've had quite a 'Catholic' upbringing and I do wonder how other people can go around saying how they 'like to hang out the back' of women frequently...with not much remorse....but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have similar impulses often, I just don't really act on them :/
  25. You can go to 'careers advice' places these days, they're usually government funded, they'll actually help you write CVs and help you with interview technique. You might find that if you go to them they'll not only help you get on with the job stuff but help you feel better about yourself in general :)
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