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bh34465

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Everything posted by bh34465

  1. P.S. I am so proud of myself! I got out of bed at 7:30 AM, and that's an accomplishment, since the past few weeks, I've not even wanted to get out of bed. I'm hoping to accomplish some things today. Maybe that will help me to get motivated.
  2. Hi all, I saw in my local paper that there is a depression/anxiety support group that meets just minutes from my home. I thought of going last week, but talked myself out of it. I live in an area with a lot of retirees, and with the meeting being in the morning, I imagined that most would be older (not that I have a problem with that per se), and that I would have no one to relate to. Also, I think I'm just shy about going, and maybe feeling forced to talk about myself. I have been to individual counseling before, but never to a group. What are they like? What can someone tell me about them that might put me to ease? Thanks.
  3. Whimberry - thanks for telling me about your experiences. I have always had sleep disturbances and sleep issues. As an adult, I surmised that the reason I fought against sleep was that I was a bedwetter until I was about 19, and that the worry about that, and the resulting tongue-lashing that I was going to get, maybe me have negative feelings about sleeping. Also, I saw a program on t.v. the other night about kids with mental disorders, one of which was hallucinations about snakes. When I was between maybe nine and eleven years old, I used to have nightmares about my bedroom being completely covered with snakes, or that there were snakes in my bed. I always had vivid dreams, even as far back as four or five years old, and my sister told me that I would often tell her what I had dreamed. Anyway, sometimes my yelling in my sleep (sometimes I hear myself do it, other times others tell me how it sounded) sounds like wailing, moaning, ghosty, sometimes it's profanity-laced, sometimes my words are slurred because the horror I'm "experiencing" is so great, I can't speak, but only try to get words out. Sometimes my dreams are so traumatic or horrible that it bothers me throughout the day (not so much the dreams themselves, but the trauma of them.) I've spoken about sleep problems to counselors and physicians, but they don't usually take it too seriously. I don't really put much faith in dream interpretations, it's more that I know my sleep is messed up and not very restful that concerns me. So much is made about getting a good night's sleep, but so little is done to study or understand why I don't sleep well. Now I'm rambling :) Thanks.
  4. Maybe the readers have read other posts describing some of the things I've gone through, both in childhood and adulthood, but I think they did cause a great deal of trauma. Here are some of the things I've been through: was a bedwetter until I was 19, and was berated, cursed, and threatened almost daily for it (but never taken to a physician or counselor) Once I was sharing a hide-a-bed sofa with a friend's son who had been in Desert Storm. I had an episode of yelling in my sleep at the top of my lungs. He had PTSD and he was freaked out by "my" yelling. I don't have flashbacks where I see the things happening over again to me, it's more just that sense that someone is attacking, threatening, or that danger is near. Then I yell, and sometimes punch. I have punched former partners before in bed (in my sleep, not intentionally ).
  5. Hi all, This is what I'm going through right now. I live with someone who has battled several serious illnesses for the past few years, the worst being cancer. He is a strong person, and has done really well in spite of everything. I don't really have to do anything medically, but I do have a lot of responsibility for upkeep of the home, property, taking the dogs for walks, and other day to day chores. My problem is that lately, I have been depressed, and I feel guilty that I am not able to do the things I need to do. I have not been feeling well physically, possibly as a result of being depressed, so I get little accomplished. It is a difficult place to be in - how do I care for someone else, when I feel I can barely care about me. If it were not for feeling obligated to my good friend, I don't know if I would get out of bed at all. Just wanted to get that off my chest.
  6. Hi, For the past few nights, I have been having repetitive dreams - the dreams aren't the same each night, but are the same over and over in the same night. The repetition is not the action in the dream, but rather statements or phrases. I'll try to explain. Let's say the dream is that I'm walking along a country road, but there will be a phrase like "more teenage girls are becoming pregnant than ever before." It's almost as if something I heard during the daytime, maybe on the news, just keeps replaying in my mind. Finally, I get up out of bed for a while, but then I go back to bed, fall asleep, and it starts over again. Last night, the phrase I kept hearing over and over was something about an email about someone having sex. It went something like, "what about that email about the person who was having sex?" It's like a needle stuck on an album (remember albums ?) This is when I am finally able to go to sleep. It takes me a while to go to sleep at night. I even fight going to sleep. Then I go to sleep, but I keep having these disturbances. I also have been yelling in my sleep.
  7. Bud, Thanks for the posting. It was very helpful to me. Two of the statements that I related two best are: 1)Stop thinking of the symptoms you are experiencing as being a manifest reflection of something that is deeply wrong with you. 2)Some days I wake up and can hardly get out of bed. I mean that quite literally. I feel numb to everything, no energy, utter hopelessness for the future and no interest in anybody or anything. I had been doing well for the past 4 1/2 years, then suddenly I am having that same struggling of not wanting or feeling as if I can get out of bed. I do get up and I try to find something positive, some little project to work on, but it is nothing like when I am feeling well. Thanks again for reminding us that we'll all in this together, and that we have an illness for which we are not to blame. Best wishes.
  8. I think depression in a relationship causes a little bit of everything. My former partner thought (and finally told me) that I was just feeling sorry for myself. It takes a certain kind of person to deal with someone suffering from depression.
  9. I got off of Effexor XR after about 8 years. The withdrawal was HELL - anger, brain zaps, crying for no apparent reason, nervousness, and the worst was lying on the floor screaming and bawling my eyes out. I thought I was losing my mind. I think Effexor was helping me, but I wanted to get off of it and see how I could do without medication (not so well, by the way). Still, I'm glad I did because the withdrawal symptoms (something that they failed to tell me about) are horrible. Since I stopped taking them, I have developed joint pains and some research and posts from others seem to indicate that can happen after stopping it.
  10. I was abused by another neighbor when I was only 10 or 11 years old. One of his daughters went to school with my oldest sister. When he died, even though my sister had not been friends with the daughter for many years, she went to his funeral. It hurt me that she went knowing that he had molested me. The second man who molested me was killed instantly when a porch he was jacking up fell on him. The boy who beat me up married a girl in my high school class. I saw him once when I was in my 20's, and he didn't look so scary anymore. I have wondered if I go to my h.s. reunion if he would be there, and what it might trigger.
  11. Thanks for replying. I have not spoken to them about our father. I sent my older brother and older sister birthday cards. My brother and I never had much of a relationship and I don't think he is upset, but I'm not sure. One of my sisters and I have never been that close, but my other sister and I were until my father got sick. I had severed ties with him before he became ill, because he was in such deep denial about things and expected me to believe his lies. Not going to the funeral was not easy, mainly because I figured people would see me as heartless, but I know it would have caused me additional pain; plus, I would have had to do a lot of pretending - my father had a public persona, but his private life was much different. I want to just move on, but it still hurts.
  12. My non-biological father who raised me (had his name on the birth certificate) died about 3 months ago. I refused to see him before he died, and I did not attend the funeral. The reasons are many and valid, but too much to go into. Anyway, now my siblings refuse to have anything to do with me, as if he was a saint, and I am the BAD person.
  13. When I was 28, I bought my first home. After several weeks living there, I started to have anxiety at night. The first time it happened, I sat up in bed and yelled, "I don't want to die." Afterwards, I began to have anxiety about dying almost every night, and I often repeated my yell. As I got older, this fear of dying went away, but I would frequently yell/scream/holler in my sleep. Sometimes now, I will go for months and never have an episode, then I will start to do it two to three times a week. Sometimes the screams are fear that I am being attacked; other times they are angry screams, laced with lots of profanity (which I don't use that much when awake.) I was sexually abused by two different neighbors by the age of 13. In the second incident, , because I threatened to tell. Also, my father was very intimidating and controlling, and verbally abused me on the regular. I have often wondered if these sleep episodes could be PTSD.
  14. I am usually a really laid-back guy, but sometimes I get so angry that I shake, and my adrenaline gets up. This usually happens when someone comes at me, or a friend, agressively. After being bullied and physically assaulted as a young teen, there is something built into my wiring that says, "I will never again let anyone do to me what was done to me when I was a child." Or, "I will never let anyone make me feel the way I felt when (fill in the blank.)" I get so angry sometimes that it makes me afraid of myself that I got so. I have never gotten into a physical altercation as an adult, but I have stood up to a few people.
  15. There was boy named Junior that lived in a nearby town. I was in Junior High School and I was approximately 12 years old. I was at a sporting event at the High School, and as I headed to the water fountain, I was abruptly slammed by the neck against the concrete block wall. I was then threatened and let go. I saw Junior around my neighborhood a lot after that. He was a cousin of someone in the area. Next, he threatened my best friend. I lived in fear of Junior. Then, when I was 13, I started to see Junior at the home of my next-door-neighbor. He was dating the neighbor's daughter who 12 (he was 17 and worked for the city doing maintenance). Now, my terror was in close proximity to me regularly. In the summer, between eighth and ninth grade, the above-mentioned neighbor wanted to show me his pop-up camper. I went in to look at it and was sexually molested by him. I went home and called my best friend who advised me to call him by phone and "cuss him out." I did just that, and told him to admit what he had done or I would tell. I went to my best friend's house right after, and not longer after Junior shows up. I took Junior to be the type who would beat up a child molester, so when he questioned me about what happened, I told him everything. I felt relief that for once Junior would be on MY side. He started to walk away, but then turned and punched me in the head. I fell to the ground, and he continued punching me in the head until I was blacking out. With slurred words, I begged him to stop hitting me, and finally he did. My best friend had stood by all the while, and never tried to help me. That was also painful. My father was a pedophile himself, so he did nothing to protect me. Instead, he bought alcohol and drank it. This guy was never arrested. Maybe because it was a small town they felt that it was just two teenagers fighting, except I was 13 and the other was a grown, working man at 17. No charges were filed against the neighbor for the sexual molestation, and I had to live next door to him until he died a few years later. I had once roamed the streets of my small towns, but now I was afraid to do so. I remember once that I had to walk past Junior, who was on the job, digging up the street in front of my house. Then, to add insult to injury, my father let Junior's brother move into our home shortly after. It was a constant reminder of the assault. Junior's brother eventually moved out, but not before stealing my brother's income tax refund money. I know bullying. I know fear. It still affects me to this day. Sometimes it manifests itself in fear, other times in rage. Sometimes I want to harm myself. Sometimes I want to harm others (who I feel are trying to harm me.) I'm sure Junior has probably forgotten all about that day, but it has stayed with me. Bullying does have an affect.
  16. Foxxy, I would love to know how everything is going now. I can relate to much of what you are experiencing. I would like to share some of my experiences, as well as some from others. I passed up another job opp to work for a husband/wife who had a small business. The wife had previously done the Accounts Payable, but was looking to hire someone to do it. Since I would be working alone, I thought that would make for a stress-free job. She promised that the job would become full-time after the first of the year. It never became full-time - it was barely part-time. I was put into a damp, cold, musty house that had been converted into an office. I had no phone, and was expected to use my cell phone. The desk was abandoned by the previous tenants, the office chair had been rescued from a dumpster adn was ripped up. The software was outdated and the owners would not pay to have it upgraded, though the wife didn't mind spending $5 on Starbucks coffee. I was not allowed to get the mail and open it, and many times she didn't show up to drop it off, so I had nothing to do. I would enter data over and over (the software was not capable of repeating the entries automatically), and if I made one error out of the hundreds of entries, she would leave me a note (she was double-checking my work when I was not there). She had told me when I took the job that I could do it however worked best for me, but would scold me when I didn't "do it her way." She also had me do many things that didn't make sense, were wrong, or that were time consuming just because she said if she didn't, her husband would be mad. I eventually quit, but never told anyone why, because her son-in-law was my partner's boss. On another job, I worked in a call center. I had had a customer treat me harshly, and nothing I tried to do for her satisfied her. Finally, I transferred her to my supervisor (keep in mind that I had tried to do that several times during the call, but my super refused to take the call). The supervisor told the customer, "I am a supervisor, and this is what we can do for you." The customer was satisfied knowing it was coming from the supervisor and not just the lowly c/s peon. Afterwards, my supervisor started berating me and telling me all the reasons that I was not a good rep. I disagreed with her, saying that I handled the call as best as I could, and that I thought that the customer just wanted to hear it from someone higher up. She disagreed and told me more reasons that I was a bad rep. Then I got the cold shoulder for the next few days (I had at one time thought she was my friend). On a particular day when there were just a few of us working, I got a call that could ONLY be handled by a supervisor, but she refused to take the call. I took the info from the customer and told them that the supervisor would call them back within an hour (that was the norm). She refused to call the customer back, claiming she was too busy (the slowest day we had had since I started there.) I left and never came back. I had a job at a front desk, and the person whose shift was after mine would come in an hour early, and try to make me leave so she could get an hour overtime. I would not leave, but she would still try to work during my shift. She would push me out of the way if someone came to the desk. I told the boss, and he told me to just let her work, that he was the one paying her not me, but I felt bullied by her. So, one day, I told myself that if she did it again, I would confront her. I did, and she threatened a lawsuit against the company for discrimination and sexual harrassment (don't know where that came from.) More recently I was in training on a job, and one of the trainers ran up to me and shouted obscenities at me for not doing something that I didn't even know I was supposed to do. I went to my manager, and she told me to go back to work. She told my co-workers behind my back that she didn't like crybabies. I confronted the trainer myself and told him not to ever curse me again. He apologized and everything was cool...so, I thought. All the new hires (it was a new business) were much younger than me. They hung out with and sometimes partied with the manager outside of work. I did not. The younger ones tried to boss me around. We had all been told when hired that since it was a new business, anyone who missed work, or refused to do the required tasks, would be fired no questions asked. Some of them would not do the required work, would miss days, or come in late. A couple of days after I was cursed by a trainer, I had asked another trainer who had more authority to help me with something, but she refused. The manager had already gone home for the day, and since it was my responsibility to get this task done, I had to manager for help. While on the phone with her, I hear the head trainer helping my co-worker with the same thing I had just asked help with. I confronted her - angrily, but not shouting, swearing, or anything like that, just telling her that it wasn't cool. She said we would talk about it in a back room. I saw that she was really p***** and figured the best thing to do was just apologize and let it blow over. So, I did. Next thing I know, I'm being fired for "putting my hands on her" in an aggressive manner. My termination letter, however, said I was being fired because I was not suited for the job. I knew the real reason because I had friends in other departments that this female trainer didn't know that I knew, and she told them directly that she reported me. I spoke to the President of the company who would never admit that I was fired because of the accusations, but he did say that confronting another was not tolerated; when I asked him why it was okay that I was cursed, he said you have to be able to take that in this business. So, it was double-talk. I have to be able to tolerate being yelled and cursed at, but yelling and cursing is not allowed. Hmmm. My former partner works with a receptionist that is a real bully. She had run off everyone that had done his job before him. One lady only made it until lunch on her first day. She thinks herself the office manager, even though the boss told her that she isn't, and that she needs to do her job, and quit trying to boss others. Things she does to my friend: doesn't give him important documents when she receives them, doesn't pass along information to him that he needs to do his job, refuses to even say "hello" when he comes to the office, makes cake and delivers a slice to everyone in the office but him. The boss even took them into a room and made them promise to get along for the good of the company. That same day, she was back to her old tricks. There are bullies out there. Sometimes, it seems impossible to beat them, because they have more status, wealth, or they're just plain mean. I don't know what the solution is, but just letting everyone know they're not alone.
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