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Everything posted by bh34465

  1. I have had therapy, but I don't think I've ever specifically dealt with the hardwired thoughts about myself. I also want to clarify that I get angry at certain things, but I am not constantly angry. I said I get enraged, but that is rare. Usually it's with my provocation that I get to that point, but it's usually as a result of someone constantly berating me or making me feel like I don't know how to do anything right. I find it difficult to just let things go. However, I was more mindful of things going on at work today, and I was able not to get sucked into a co-worker's negative energy, and although I made an error that could have put me into a funk, I was able to realize I am human and that I can use it to learn from for next time. I do realize some of what I stated probably is congnitive distortions. I will keep it in mind when situations arise. Thanks, Fizzle
  2. Hi all, I was diagnosed with PTSD once. I don't disagree because I was sexually abused at a young age by two different neighbors. I was also beaten up pretty badly by the boyfriend of one of the neighbor's daughters for threatening to tell. I have had nightmares about the abuse, and I have lots of nightmares in general. I have night terrors often. When I was a boy, I was often the receiver of my father's anger and verbal abuse. My father only ever hit me once. It was when I was about 17, but I was always afraid of him. I was very submissive most of the time for fear of what he might do. Most of that was based on how I saw him treat my mother before their divorce. My father always made me feel like I was worthless, and that I didn't know how to do anything right. Fast forward to present. I get really angry when someone either says something directly critical of me (or my work) or say things that give me the impression that they don't think I know what I'm doing. Sometimes it's that they set themselves up as being the only one who knows how to do a job or a task the "right" way. I get really upset either at the person, or I turn it inward and think I don't know how to do anything right. If I am sure that the other person is just being a P**k and criticizing because they get off on that sort of thing, I get so mad I want to pummel them. I get enraged. Is the fact that incidences of harsh criticism cause me to become angry the same as projecting? I mean, I suppose I could be projecting my feelings about my father on to the other person, right? I tend to think it's because the depressed brain seems to remember the bad experiences more readily than good ones. When someone does or says certain things, my brain defaults to those times passed that I was berated and threatened with harm. As much as I want to just let it roll off of me, my brain seems to not allow me to, no matter how hard I try.
  3. I have the same problem. I grew up being criticized by my father, being told that I couldn't do anything right. Even when I'm told that I'm doing a good job, I still feel as if I'm not. I think that I am being told that I'm doing a good job because they don't want to hurt my feelings or that they're just being positive. I've had conflicts with co-workers recently and that's increased my fears. I think the root of mmy fears is that I don't feel I have many career opportunities so I need this job at least for now.
  4. There is always a period of adjustment when going on AD meds. You will feel like you won't to give up, but you have to wait a certain length of time to see if the meds are working for you. It might be difficult to tough it out, but the wait is worth it.
  5. I had been on meds and had stopped them. After my partner died, I was really depressed and anxious. I was very disassociated. I went to the health department, which wasn't helpful. It took me almost 3 months before I was able get an eval and then an appointment with the doctor at the psych facility I had previously been involved in. By then, I had been through the worst of it. Unfortunately, it does take some time, and then you still have to go through a period of waiting for the meds to take effect. Hang in there :)
  6. I've heard both arguments. One, that sleep deprivation is helpful with depression. Funny thing is, I notice that when I am tired from not sleeping well, I am less reactive to situations in my day, especially at work. I am not as efficient at my job, but much more calm. On the other hand, if you sleep better, you feel better and have more energy, and are more likely to be productive which in turn would make you feel better about yourself. There are a lot of good articles online about how to get a good night's sleep. I would try some of the tips.
  7. I used to have this condition frequently. It's called diurnal depression. I still have it occasionally, but it is usually fleeting. Things that I did to cope were: take regular walks, keep a journal, play puzzles/games that focus me to concentrate on something other than my symptoms, and meditate.
  8. Zen, Thank you for saying so. When I posted that, I had been through so much; so many losses. This group really got me through some darks days.
  9. After years of not working, and after two years of battling grief and depression, I finally got out of the relationship I was in, got a job, and got my own place. However, as positive at that is, I'm also starting to go through a deeper depression. My job is stressful, it's difficult adjusting to a new place, and to being alone. I just want to stay in bed when I should be getting up and being productive. I am trying hard to focus on the positive things that are happening in my life, but my brain keeps overwhelming me with all the negative. Just wanted to put it out there.
  10. Gamexland, I couldn't find anything online about using the two together. Do you have any info on it? I'm assuming your doctor prescribed it. I want to ask my doctor about maybe trying that. Thanks.
  11. I went back to the doctor. I told him my symptoms and put me back on 100mg. I feel like my regular depressed self now, but no longer fatigue and unmotivated. I hope it does pass, but my doctort told me I couldn't tolerate it. P.S. I like your username :)
  12. Also, I have been having random muscle aches: sometimes the calf muscle, sometimes the bicep, or the elbow area. Weird.
  13. Hi, I have been on Zoloft for about a year and a half now. I started at 50mg, and I had horrible side effects, the worst of which was nausea. I stuck it out, it went away, and the Zoloft helped. A new doctor decided I should be on 100mg. I had no side effects when I increased to that. Then, I went up to 150mg, and for about a week, I had nausea and heartburn. After that, I was just really sleepy during the day, but nothing a little nap wouldn't cure. This is about my third week on 150mg, and I have been feeling more depressed, less motivated, fatigue/lethargic. I have been napping 2 to 3 times a day. I've tried staying busy and staying awake, but I get so drowsy I can't keep my eyes open. It could be something totally unrelated, but I'm curious if anyone else had this experience. I will add that there was a couple of days right after I got over the initial side effects on the 150mg that I feel more active and ambitious than ever, then it's like I just crashed.
  14. I don't know if I am just paranoid, but here's my thoughts about my relationship. Things were pretty crappy. I was going to move out and move on. My partner told me, after at first seemingly not caring, that he didn't want me to and that he cared for me and wanted things to work out. Coincidentally, it is just before we are scheduled to go to an event with his family. So, I'm thinking, maybe he just wanted to get things straight before then, so he could pretend everything is okay. Now, it is a couple weeks before we are go, and things are crappy again. I mentioned in other posts that he says he can't talk in the mornings because he needs time to get himself together, at lunch because he needs a rest period to play games on his computer, and at night because he's too tired. Now, he has started to get aggravated if I try to talk to him about anything at all at night, although he has just gone to bed; last night, he got aggravated because I touched him while he was trying to go to sleep, and then he got up right after that and went to look up something on his computer. Sometimes I don't like to cuddle when I'm going to sleep either, but a hand on me or footsies is fine. Then, he tells me we have all day for touching. Fine. But, he doesn't seem interested in it all day either. The only touching most of the time precedes sex. Now, I have no interest in going to this event with him because I feel like I have to fake things with us. He's so moody. You never know which one he is going to be. I have aches and pains, I deal with depression, but I make a great effort not to take anything out on him, or anyone else. It really brings me down when things go this way. I can't commit myself to someone when I don't know from one day to another how he feels about me.
  15. My update: http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/96096-how-is-everyone-an-attempt-to-jump-start-this-forum/#entry1058984
  16. Another thing that happened was that I borrowed his car because mine was being repaired. I had asked if it had plenty of gas. I was going to put some in if not. When I left in it, it had a quarter of a tank. After I left from my function that evening, it was about 1/8 of a tank. So, I asked if that was about right for the distance I drove. He said someone must have siphoned gas while I had the car because he had filled the tank. I told him it only had 1/4 tank to begin with. He swore up and down that it was full and said someone stole gas while I was driving it. He then took the car and gassed it up and said that the trip counter said it had only been 25 miles since the last fill up. I told him there was no way because he would have noticed if he had filled up and the last time he drove there was only 1/4 tank. Turned out, the counter read 253 miles, not 25. It's the little trivial things constantly. I've spent the past 18 months trying to enjoy life again. I'm involved with community theater now. I'm being social. I'm getting out more. I'm feeling better about myself. I don't need this.
  17. So, here's the latest. I pretty much insulated myself from my partner. I stayed up until after he went to bed. I just existed with him with minimal interaction, kind of like roommates mostly. I mentioned earlier that he didn't want to hear my issues at night (or morning, or evening), and most of them were involving an outside activity I have been involved in. Others were his and my issues. Anyway, I tried NOT to talk about the outside issues, but every night when I came home he would ask. I would say, I'll talk about it tomorrow, but he would insist. Then, yesterday morning, I was talking about the outside issues, and he was snippy with me. I asked him about it and he said I was overwhelming him. I told him that I tried NOT to talk about the outside issues, but that he insisted. When I pointed out a home repair that needed to be done immediately because it was wasting energy and letting in cold air, he said I was "overwhelming" him. Today, I tried to talk to him about helping me clean the house. I told him that I feel overwhelmed by things as well, one of them being the housecleaning. He said that it's a big house. I agreed, and said that it is (it's not THAT big), but if he helped out we could keep it cleaned. Then he accused me of trying to flip things on him, or match what he said, because I said I was overwhelmed. He got infuriated at me for suggesting that he take his taxes to an accountant instead of doing them himself. I don't think he knows what he is doing. He's spent countless hours doing them, and even told me at one point he was finished, but he's still working on it. He did the same thing last year and got all bent out of shape over it. So, I thought maybe it would be worth the money to have an accountant do it. Now I'm being accused of "wanting everything to be done MY way." I just put my car into the shop. Normally, I would have tried to do the work myself to save money, but I felt I didn't need the stress of it. He was really behind me doing that, but is offended that I suggest he use an accountant. I'm so tired of feeling like just a housekeeper, and his refusal to clean. I clean because I like a clean house. He knows I'll clean because of that. If I don't clean, he still doesn't clean, and I don't want to live in a dirty house. I'm tired of hearing "you think you're perfect" or "you don't do anything wrong." I've spent the past 18 months trying to enjoy life again, and I don't need this.
  18. AloneGuy, I was going to cut the 100mg down to 75mg, but thought I'd just go ahead and see how 100mg worked. They make me feel a bit dizzy-headed. I had an appointment today, so I couldn't nap (yet), and driving I even felt a bit weird. After my nap, I usually feel super good and energetic, so hopefully that will be the norm after the side effects. Thanks for responding.
  19. Hi all, I just started on 100mg of sertraline a few days ago, having previously taken 50mg. No matter what time I get up in the morning, after about 3 hours, I start getting really groggy and I have to take a nap. Has anyone else had this experience when upping the dose, and did it subside after a while? Thanks.
  20. Did you mean "time away" as in just a day trip, or to move out? I have left for a couple of days before, but I have considered just moving out on my own.
  21. Hi, I try to eat sensibly. Most of the time I eat normally, especially during the daytime. But, at night, if I am going through things emotionally, I tend to eat because it comforts me. Is this just normal overeating? I don't eat junk food per se, but I do keep eating just for comfort.
  22. Hi, Just a quick backstory. I lost my partner of six years almost 2 years ago. I am in a partnership with someone new now and we live together. We get along well for the most part. However, I get frustrated often because I feel as if he tries to control when we discuss our issues. Recently, he overreacted to something and then made me out to be a bad guy, saying things about me that I felt were unwarranted. As my former therapist suggested, I just let it go for the moment rather than just get more ticked off. The next day I had cooled down, and I asked if he had a few minutes to talk. He said he did, but as soon as I started talking about what happened, he said he was busy reading the paper, and refused to talk to me. Later that day, I re-engaged him and we ended up arguing, and he practically suggested we not be together. As I said, when I feel we need to talk, he always tries to control that. If it's morning, he will say 'I don't want to talk now. I like to have time to get my bearings and read the paper,' etc. If it's noon, he says he likes to have his noon-time to play his computer games and eat his lunch. Then at night, he doesn't want to talk about anything heavy before bedtime, and he likes to do his puzzles (he wont' even talk if he's doing the puzzle). Many times he will be awake in bed doing his puzzle and as soon as I come to bed, he's suddenly tired and can't stay awake to talk. He gets upset with me sometime if I try to talk about anything I'm going through. I spent about a week in a deep depression lately because of this behavior. I feel as if a relationship should be more important than reading a newspaper or playing a game. Tonight, he dropped a vegetable on the floor, rinsed it off, and was going to cook it, and I asked him not to. I'm kind of a germaphobe. He put it in to cook anyway, so I refused to eat the food. I tried later on to explain, but I feel as if he dismisses my fears about germs, even if I can show him evidence that you shouldn't eat dropped food. We've had other issues based around our differing ideas of cleanliness. It never gets anywhere. However, he had a major fit because I didn't clean something that came from Goodwill (a knicknack). I told him that he does more risky stuff to spread germs than that. Anyway, it makes me anxious and depressed at times. I almost want to be alone, so that at least I can be responsible for my own cleanliness and well-being. I get frustrated when I feel as if I can't communicate and be listened to, then the more frustrated I get about not being heard the more angry I become. By that time, nothing happens but angry arguments.
  23. Feel run down and tired, like I might be coming down with something. After feeling really good for a couple of weeks, I now feel a bit depressed again; maybe a little afraid that my meds are no longer working after six weeks.
  24. I'm doing 50mg and I've been on it for almost 5 weeks and I'm a feeling more like myself than I have in some months - more motivated, upbeat, and less sad and depressed.
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