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CASSforFreedom

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About CASSforFreedom

  • Birthday 06/22/1990

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Alberta, Canada

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  1. Just when I think I am feeling better... I get stressed and fall into destructive thinking again.

  2. When my anxiety is driving, I have a tendency to spend money on things I don't need. It is usually childish things. At one point it was paper and coloring tools, then it was Buffy books, followed by original power rangers toys, now I feel the need to collect 3.75 inch sized action figures. It feels like I need them and will often go to many different stores out of my way to find the right ones. Finding the item I was looking for feels good, but then I feel bad spending the money. One time I bought over 100 in used books at a book store when I needed that money for bills. I am currently really wanting more action figures... Anyone else have this problem?
  3. I have been doing better on my medication. Every once and a while it creeps over me and I become very unresponsive. It is like suddenly everything in me has given up. I don't want to move, speak, or breathe, it is suddenly too painful and the only thing I do is let a tear roll down my face. Yesterday my other half keep yelling my name because I did not respond. Took all my might to reply. I don't get how I went from so happy yesterday to wanting to suddenly die. Inside the real me is screaming "help me" and feels trapped behind whatever it is that makes me unable to do anything. Anyone else experience this?
  4. I have thought about quitting my job many times. Two things that stop me: 1. the interview process of getting another job would cause crazy high anxiety 2. there is no guarantee another job will be less anxiety prone than the one I already have
  5. Email is so much better, but sometimes you have to call. My biggest problem is on days where I feel so anxious that I don't think I can possibly get through a work day. Yet, the idea of phoning and saying I am unable to go to work is worse. Because I feel like I will explain wrong, and because I feel guilty for not going to work. One time I spent hrs debating back and forth until I made myself dial. I ended up crying uncontrollably, and scaring my supervisor on the phone. I got so worked up that I had a panic attack and threw up a few times. Talk about being extremely tired after I calmed down. I usually end up going to work because I can't handle calling. Then at work I try so hard to keep myself together, making even short work days extremely tiring.
  6. Yes I can be a perfectionist all of a sudden at one given moment, even though I am not always a perfectionist. But then again, I always feel guilty for not doing things better. I originally thought my problems were from depression. Then I thought, "no maybe its GAD with a couple of panic attacks thrown in for kicks". And then I was like "no, it's probably PTSD from various horrible things that have happened". And then it was like "but wait a minute, I totally have OCD symptoms too". So I dunno what caused what exactly. Although I seem to have issues with death (or losing people), and losing memories... which explains everything in a way. I am honestly not afraid to die, I don't specifically want to but am not bothered if it happens. But I am terrified of someone I know dying, cause I don't want to feel the grief of missing them. I think my worst symptom I have is the inability to get my mind to work as it used to, my university grades suck because I constantly hand in assignments late or simply cannot finish them. And studying for exams is difficult as well. I am not a stupid or lazy person, but that is what my grades are telling everyone. So frustrating.
  7. Oh oh oh... and the compulsive need for me to re-read what i wrote over and over again... and apparently add on it to be accurate... :)
  8. Yes... and I also remember needing to know sooo badly when I did work in school that at 12 I used to date things like this: April 4, 2013 Wednesday at 9:52 and 16 seconds. Got so bad that my teacher commented on it, saying I really did not have to be that accurate.
  9. Oh, and I also can't sleep if I know I left a light on somewhere in the house and feel uncomfortable until I get up and turn it off. I can't sleep otherwise.
  10. I've just been realizing over the last little bit that yes, I did have OCD as a child. I was a hoarder at about 5 or 6. My parents had me on Zoloft. After a while, they assumed I was cured as I stopped talking about it. But I now realize I probably never was. So now when I look back I remember these things: -the need to keep things that have no real value, although I can sometimes eventually convince myself to let them go with some sadness. -the compulsive need to finish reading whatever it is I'm reading, even if it is not important or boring. -the need to check, and re-check that I did not leave something on or behind. -not wanting to move objects after someone touched them in fear that I somehow ruined something. (for example, I used to fold a tiny corner blanket of my bed and crawl in and sleep perfectly still because my mom had made it so nice and I didn't want to ruin it) -arranged my toys in a special way or order and insisted they cannot be moved until a picture was taken because it was my only way to keep that memory of that event (a really unimportant event). -I often take pictures of things to stop the worry of losing something. But often get so overwhelmed when taking pictures that I am going to miss something, that it is better if I don't pick up the camera at all. I've stopped bringing cameras to important functions. -cannot keep a journal even though I've tried many times as I have problems summarizing my day, and end up in need of writing everything down in fear of missing something. So I tend to avoid writing things down, but then... when I remember I am not writing things down I feel very anxious that I am losing memories. -currently struggling with throwing out a dead plant because it has sentimental value. -the need to believe everything I hold of value in my mind still exists in the last state I saw it in, and am always crushed when I find out this is not true (even if its an object of no value). -the occasional need to run my hand over something in a specific pattern (haven't felt this in a while, but I remember it) This one I'm not sure about cause I had assumed everyone felt this way until recently... -on a normal day when things are good, having the sudden urge to self harm with an object in my hand and being so fearful of me doing it that I have to put it down. I remember having that feeling as long as I can remember. So... what does everyone think?
  11. I can't really help you on that one. I believe 4 to 6 weeks on the meds is enough to see if they are right. Best ask the doc thou. I found my concentration was shot the entire time I was on meds, but they probably didn't have the right dosage for me. My concentration was not that great before the meds thou either.
  12. Thank you, I hope I can beat whatever it is making me like this. It is so strange not to trust yourself.
  13. You know, it's been nearly a year since this post was made and even though I'm still struggling, it is not as bad as it was. I was bad though, couldn't stand my meds and so I stopped taking them without telling my doctor. I felt like they were making me worse, but I don't really know. The withdrawal of them sucked, really bad headaches. But after I was off I felt better. I haven't been on them for 4 or 5 months. I can tell my doctor has too many patients cause he hasn't noticed I haven't been in again to see him. Last October, I had lost my battle with working and staying in school. I couldn't work for 6 weeks, and dropped all my courses for the semester. They had me on the highest dosage of Cipralex, and a low dosage of Webutrin. I don't recommend what I did, but now my depression is better. My anxiety still can hurt me though. I'm starting to wonder if I have PTSD, as I get terrified when some situations remind me of past events. So still definitely mentally ill, I probably will struggle the rest of my life with it. But I'm trying to deal without meds this time. The reactions to the meds were quite terrifying to me. i'm at a place now where I doubt a doctor would suggest meds anyways, I'm doing fairly ok. Just you know, get terrified for no reason sometimes. Fun stuff.
  14. I'm on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. I think I'm like 8 months or something into a 12 month wait list. I did see a lady with a BA in psych and a masters in Social work about 5 times. But I dunno, I always felt she steered the convo and I never really got out what I wanted to say. Like I was rushed or something. I was on Cipralex (highest dosage) and Wellbutrin, given to me by a GP for depression and anxiety. I know its not recommended but I stopped taking them because I felt they were messing me up worse. They just kept upping the Cipralex at first, then he added the Wellbutrin. By this point in time I couldn't even work or go to school. I kept having some pretty scary self-harming thoughts. And by this point my fiance' had already been sticking in there for a year of a really messed up me, and I was feeling him starting to give up. It scared me so I decided to stop taking them, and was determined to level out on my own. Haven't been on them in about 4 months. The depression has gotten better since being off them. But my anxiety is still here. I did seem to keep a lot of it at bay. Managed to go back to work, and back to school. But I'm struggling again, probably had something to do with getting bronchitis twice and developing a fear of suffocating. Some depressive symptoms are trying to sneak in again as well, including the occasional self-harming thought. But those I can usually brush off by reminding myself its irrational thinking. I just find my mind is not quite right. Sometimes I just get scared and I can't do schoolwork or go to work. And then I get embarrassed cause I think that people think I'm lazy. I hate feeling like this.
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