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K C Dubs

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  1. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from Asta in My Story - Beating Depression   
    Ok, So a few years back I used to post here when I was going through my bout of depression, and I remember always thinking "I wish there were more success stories on this forum to give me hope." The thing you have to realize is people DO beat depression and DO return to their normal lives, but those people most always have no need in coming back here to post about it. I remember telling myself that when I do beat it, its important that I post here because I know how much hope it will give some of you.
    Anyways, I'll start at the beginning. In February of 2012, an incident occurred, one not worth explaining, that essentially gave me an anxiety disorder overnight. It flipped my world upside-down. It was the crippling sort. The type that grew into a fear of all things irrational. I was afraid to do anything that wasn't lying in bed reading posts from various forums. It ruined me. Eventually the anxiety led to depression and I before I knew it I was in the depths of hell. It was as bad as depression gets. No emotion, no pleasure, no motivation, no purpose, and worst of all, no hope. Life became getting through the day just to get to the next. Even after the anxiety dissipated, I was still left with depression. It felt as though it would never end. I remember hating that thought. So much went through my mind during that time that it would take me a lifetime to explain it here. All I can tell you was that, with time, things returned to normal. Its was never helpful to think that it's going to just suddenly end one day or overnight. The worst of my depression lasted for about a year and a half and eventually, I stopped expecting it to end. I just trudged through life learning to cope.
    Here's where it got better. The single most important information that I believe I can give is this:
    “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
    Of course this isn't going to be true at first. Things won't be enjoyable but you have to FORCE yourself to do everything that used to bring you happiness. I know it sounds like the hardest thing in the world to do at times but it gets easier if you let it become habit. Get used to the thought of "This is going to suck, but I'm going to do it anyways." Don't let it depress you even further when you do something and it doesn't make you happy. Expect it to be boring. Understand that it's the nature of the condition. Eventually, over time, that quote will start to prove itself true. Randomly, you'll notice brief and fleeting moments of enjoyment which you can hang your hat on and say "Wow, for a split-second, I enjoyed that." Those moments will start to come more frequent and last longer. In my opinion, it just takes a long time, and I mean long time, for your brain to adopt a new paradigm of life that allows you to be happy again. It is a gradual process, so gradual in fact, that when the depression is over, you won't even realize it. One day you're just sitting there realizing that you're doing all the things you used to do and really enjoying them. Whether it was music, television, social interaction, or video games, I found myself two years later enjoying all of them again.
    Welp, there it is. That's my story. Maybe I'm not back to the complete happy-go-lucky person I was before depression, and, in a way, I feel I'm always coping to some minor degree. I've just become so good at it though, that it's effortless. What's important is that I am happy and my life is headed in a good direction. I can say things I'd never thought I'd say again. I have future goals and ambitions. I have a purpose. I have my emotions back. It's all back and it will be for you too.
    Love and regards
    K C Dubs
    Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to because helping you guys out is very fulfilling for me.
    Other points
    - I did not use medication for depression, only for a brief period while dealing with anxiety.
    - Keeping a journal really helped me cope. Putting your thoughts down on paper will really help you to analyze your feelings.
    - Stay connected with others. Whether that be people you know personally or people here, they will help you to get through this.
  2. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from Steve P in My Story - Beating Depression   
    Ok, So a few years back I used to post here when I was going through my bout of depression, and I remember always thinking "I wish there were more success stories on this forum to give me hope." The thing you have to realize is people DO beat depression and DO return to their normal lives, but those people most always have no need in coming back here to post about it. I remember telling myself that when I do beat it, its important that I post here because I know how much hope it will give some of you.
    Anyways, I'll start at the beginning. In February of 2012, an incident occurred, one not worth explaining, that essentially gave me an anxiety disorder overnight. It flipped my world upside-down. It was the crippling sort. The type that grew into a fear of all things irrational. I was afraid to do anything that wasn't lying in bed reading posts from various forums. It ruined me. Eventually the anxiety led to depression and I before I knew it I was in the depths of hell. It was as bad as depression gets. No emotion, no pleasure, no motivation, no purpose, and worst of all, no hope. Life became getting through the day just to get to the next. Even after the anxiety dissipated, I was still left with depression. It felt as though it would never end. I remember hating that thought. So much went through my mind during that time that it would take me a lifetime to explain it here. All I can tell you was that, with time, things returned to normal. Its was never helpful to think that it's going to just suddenly end one day or overnight. The worst of my depression lasted for about a year and a half and eventually, I stopped expecting it to end. I just trudged through life learning to cope.
    Here's where it got better. The single most important information that I believe I can give is this:
    “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
    Of course this isn't going to be true at first. Things won't be enjoyable but you have to FORCE yourself to do everything that used to bring you happiness. I know it sounds like the hardest thing in the world to do at times but it gets easier if you let it become habit. Get used to the thought of "This is going to suck, but I'm going to do it anyways." Don't let it depress you even further when you do something and it doesn't make you happy. Expect it to be boring. Understand that it's the nature of the condition. Eventually, over time, that quote will start to prove itself true. Randomly, you'll notice brief and fleeting moments of enjoyment which you can hang your hat on and say "Wow, for a split-second, I enjoyed that." Those moments will start to come more frequent and last longer. In my opinion, it just takes a long time, and I mean long time, for your brain to adopt a new paradigm of life that allows you to be happy again. It is a gradual process, so gradual in fact, that when the depression is over, you won't even realize it. One day you're just sitting there realizing that you're doing all the things you used to do and really enjoying them. Whether it was music, television, social interaction, or video games, I found myself two years later enjoying all of them again.
    Welp, there it is. That's my story. Maybe I'm not back to the complete happy-go-lucky person I was before depression, and, in a way, I feel I'm always coping to some minor degree. I've just become so good at it though, that it's effortless. What's important is that I am happy and my life is headed in a good direction. I can say things I'd never thought I'd say again. I have future goals and ambitions. I have a purpose. I have my emotions back. It's all back and it will be for you too.
    Love and regards
    K C Dubs
    Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to because helping you guys out is very fulfilling for me.
    Other points
    - I did not use medication for depression, only for a brief period while dealing with anxiety.
    - Keeping a journal really helped me cope. Putting your thoughts down on paper will really help you to analyze your feelings.
    - Stay connected with others. Whether that be people you know personally or people here, they will help you to get through this.
  3. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from chrisel in My Story - Beating Depression   
    Ok, So a few years back I used to post here when I was going through my bout of depression, and I remember always thinking "I wish there were more success stories on this forum to give me hope." The thing you have to realize is people DO beat depression and DO return to their normal lives, but those people most always have no need in coming back here to post about it. I remember telling myself that when I do beat it, its important that I post here because I know how much hope it will give some of you.
    Anyways, I'll start at the beginning. In February of 2012, an incident occurred, one not worth explaining, that essentially gave me an anxiety disorder overnight. It flipped my world upside-down. It was the crippling sort. The type that grew into a fear of all things irrational. I was afraid to do anything that wasn't lying in bed reading posts from various forums. It ruined me. Eventually the anxiety led to depression and I before I knew it I was in the depths of hell. It was as bad as depression gets. No emotion, no pleasure, no motivation, no purpose, and worst of all, no hope. Life became getting through the day just to get to the next. Even after the anxiety dissipated, I was still left with depression. It felt as though it would never end. I remember hating that thought. So much went through my mind during that time that it would take me a lifetime to explain it here. All I can tell you was that, with time, things returned to normal. Its was never helpful to think that it's going to just suddenly end one day or overnight. The worst of my depression lasted for about a year and a half and eventually, I stopped expecting it to end. I just trudged through life learning to cope.
    Here's where it got better. The single most important information that I believe I can give is this:
    “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
    Of course this isn't going to be true at first. Things won't be enjoyable but you have to FORCE yourself to do everything that used to bring you happiness. I know it sounds like the hardest thing in the world to do at times but it gets easier if you let it become habit. Get used to the thought of "This is going to suck, but I'm going to do it anyways." Don't let it depress you even further when you do something and it doesn't make you happy. Expect it to be boring. Understand that it's the nature of the condition. Eventually, over time, that quote will start to prove itself true. Randomly, you'll notice brief and fleeting moments of enjoyment which you can hang your hat on and say "Wow, for a split-second, I enjoyed that." Those moments will start to come more frequent and last longer. In my opinion, it just takes a long time, and I mean long time, for your brain to adopt a new paradigm of life that allows you to be happy again. It is a gradual process, so gradual in fact, that when the depression is over, you won't even realize it. One day you're just sitting there realizing that you're doing all the things you used to do and really enjoying them. Whether it was music, television, social interaction, or video games, I found myself two years later enjoying all of them again.
    Welp, there it is. That's my story. Maybe I'm not back to the complete happy-go-lucky person I was before depression, and, in a way, I feel I'm always coping to some minor degree. I've just become so good at it though, that it's effortless. What's important is that I am happy and my life is headed in a good direction. I can say things I'd never thought I'd say again. I have future goals and ambitions. I have a purpose. I have my emotions back. It's all back and it will be for you too.
    Love and regards
    K C Dubs
    Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to because helping you guys out is very fulfilling for me.
    Other points
    - I did not use medication for depression, only for a brief period while dealing with anxiety.
    - Keeping a journal really helped me cope. Putting your thoughts down on paper will really help you to analyze your feelings.
    - Stay connected with others. Whether that be people you know personally or people here, they will help you to get through this.
  4. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from Theresa06 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    Yes that does make sense. My depression has sucked every postitive (negative ones as well really) emotion away from my life and I hope SSRI can help bring them back.
  5. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to alex617 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    I can't discuss in detail the chemistry of it all because I've been taking the holistic anti-drugs approach (to my dismay), focusing more on the psychological aspects that brought on my condition. I was very scared of this reported post-SSRI sexual dysfunction, but you know it's not like I had much motivation to have sex anymore anyway, it was something I did to feel some minute pleasure and out of habit.
    The water scenario was my uneducated attempt to compare to those lab rats that would press levers indefinitely to get a dopamine boost, if they didn't they'd have no motivation for anything.
    For me I think SSRI treatment was just suitable for my situation, I had already managed to control my anxiety/major mood swings into darkness with mindfulness, exercise, good habits and healthy diet. But I got sick of constantly managing how I feel, and not being able to feel 'real' euphoria but a psychologically forced one, if that makes sense.
    So far I'm already feeling the real thing, I noticed myself today genuinely enjoying music I listen to while working out, without worrying about whether it was just a result of extra endorphins or whatever. I also managed to finish a course I couldn't in over a year, and felt the genuine feeling of euphoria I haven't felt since late 2011.
    Antidepressants were a last resort for me, but I just couldn't bare another day comparing my new version of reality to my old one, hoping I could be half the person I used to be. I think it's working :)
  6. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to alex617 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    I've followed this thread a while ago, and I don't recall everything so forgive me if I'm missing something. But have you considered that you may just be experiencing a depression? I can relate to most of your story, I was once a very content person (at least in a rear-view mirror outlook) and after some prolonged stress and life issues I became very depressed. Completely lost interest in things, music I once enjoyed became just noises to me, sex and orgasms would 'rationally' seem enjoyable and even illicit substances wouldn't give me pleasure anymore.

    I tried all the 'natural' approaches like SJW, SAM-e and vitamins but nothing really works. I finally gave into some therapy and an SSRI called Citalopram (Celexa). And although it hasn't been long I'm starting to gain a perspective on my condition I hadn't in a year of madly researching it alone. I'm slowly starting to enjoy life again. My biggest fear was sexual problems but I'm actually finding my interest in sex increasing, along with better 'performance', it causes delayed ejaculation in my case but that's a small trade-off.

    I hope you find something that works, but I think you are trying too hard to micromanage your happiness with all sorts of treatments, some which probably won't work at all and some that might make it worse in the long-run. Especially if you're intelligent it's easy to get caught in a cycle chasing the wrong thing until a 3rd party helps you gain some perspective.
    In my opinion if you were completely anhedonic due to dopamine problems you wouldn't be motivated to even do something simple like get water or be so motivated to feel better. Just my 2 cents

    Edit: I also want to add that it's important to relax a little bit about this whole thing, you have a lifetime ahead of you to figure out what makes you happy. It's a very slow process, just like becoming how you are now is. I used to think my symptoms happened almost overnight but with my new perspective I can see how it was almost a year leading up to it, and maybe years of depressive traits leading up to that. Just take it slow, improvements happen so slowly you hardly notice them, try not to monitor it obsessively.
  7. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from kabaja4 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    Hello itstrever,
    I think its great what you're doing. Your effort is impressive and almost ironic really given the nature of this condition. We share many similaries in the way by which all of this started for us (prolonged periods of both stress and anxiety leading to depression as well). Unlike you however i still deal with anxiety on a regular basis. Early on anhedonia was my most prominent symptom. It was the reason for my bad moods. I would force my self to do activities in attempt to evoke joy/pleasure however my efforts were to no avail. Consequently, my mood would plummet. Every second of the day was a constant self-evaluation of my joy/pleasure level. I might even consider it obsessive. Understandable really, as I too am an engineer. If there is a problem pertinent to my life, my brain must solve it. So the research began, I remember feeling as though I had become a neurobiologist overnight haha. I also spoke to a university counselor twice. She really wasn't much help. She found my arguments quite logical/rational and so there wasn't much to be said.
    Today, almost a year since its all started for me, its not really an big issue, though I do have bouts of it - usually during times of high stress (surprise, surprise). For me, and i'm not saying its the same for you, but constantly trying to evoke or force happiness upon myself was kept me from enjoying whatever it was that I was doing. It kept me from being "in the moment" or achieving "flow." (You should check out Csikszentmihaly's flow model if you haven't already. You might find it interesting) I, however, cannot deny that there are physiological apsects to the condition as I know from personal experience. I am also not saying that it is entirely impossible for one to experience anhedonia for purely physiological reasons. What I will say is that it is my belief that my anhedonia was initially triggered by physiological chemical imbalances, however it was being perpetuated and maybe even exasperated by my psychological obsession in trying to fix it. Only after a long, long time, my brain finally gave up. I stopped caring if something was fun or not and just did it. And guess what happened. I had fun. It never seems to last for keep me in a good mood for long, but I thinks thats just the depression.
    Also, my expection of what happiness really was, was unrealistic. Of course now I see how irrational it was, but I almost expected mild euphoria. I finally discovered happiness was less of a feeling and more a mental construct and sense of well-being (again this is all of course subjective). Once I lowered my expectations of what happiness was, I found it made things more enjoyable. So something to keep in mind.
    There are certainly some differences between your situation and mine, but I do think it is possible that what you're doing might be counterproductive. You might be looking in the wrong places,andI think at a minimum you shouldn't rule out the idea of this being more psycholgoical than you might think. Nonetheless, and this somewhat contradictory to what I just said, I think what you're doing is great is going to help so many people. Your seemingly unrelentless drive can only be good for all those suffering from anhedonia in the. Best wishes, and let me know if you have any questions. :)
    KCDubs
    Also I never took meds so maybe the meds are having some effect as well. I'm sure you've already considered that but just a thought.
  8. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to gxt in Things That Remind Me Of When I Was Really Depressed   
    Yes it does. I have been dealing with this for decades now. Something I see or hear, weather conditions and even places I revisit are some of the things that can trigger an awful kind of sadness. Its seems to have become more frequent as I get older and gather more experience of this terrible illness. And it manifests itself in such a way that I look back on my entire life with overwhelming sadness. Not feeling sorry for myself, rather looking back at my life as if it were another person and thinking about how much that person missed out on and how much he suffered for no reason. The only thing I can suggest when this happens is that you bring yourself back to here and now.
  9. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from starla1979 in Things That Remind Me Of When I Was Really Depressed   
    So, lately I've come across some of the music I was listening to a lot during the depths of my depression. I get this uncomfortable/anxious feeling everytime I listen to it. Its really good music but it just reminds me too much of that scary time in my life. Its not just music either, its lots of things really. Its been just over a year since my first depressive episode so the change of the seasons is really starting to remind me so much of it. I hate being reminded of a time in my life that I'm trying to forget. Does this happen to any of you guys?
  10. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from screenman in Dealing With Social Anxiety/staying Home?   
    Wow, congratulations screenman! Glad to see your feeling in a good mood!
  11. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from Epictetus in Whats The Difference Between Regular Depression And Medical Forms Of Depression?   
    One of the most informative videos you'll ever see on depression (you may have already seen it):
    "Stanford's Sapolsky On Depression in U.S."Just google it or search for it on youtube. I think its also pinned on the "Depression Central" forum. It talks about some of the differences between just regular depression as compared to clinical depression, which is a more severe form that usually last much longer.
  12. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to Forum Admin in Stanford's Sapolsky On Depression In The U.S.   
    Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky, posits that depression is the most damaging disease that you can experience. Right now it is the number four cause of disability in the US and it is becoming more common. Sapolsky states that depression is as real of a biological disease as is diabetes.
     
  13. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from sc2 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    "I don't know, I'm so confused in all of this, and I really do whatever the therapists try and tell me to do and try to have positive behaviors and thinking and all that, but nothing has helped. I just want to be normal again, where it doesn't take the use of addictive dead end drugs to give me a sort of relief or feeling of well being; a state where I feel good naturally; where I can relax naturally; where I feel deep emotions and don't have to try so hard just to see if I feel good because it is obvious that I do. Some people might say that I'm looking for some unrealistic euphoria. No, what I am looking for is to be the person I used to be before the depression."
    Bro, I totally feel you on all of this. I swear I've been exactly where you are and can commiserate 100% with you on this. It is all so confusing. Some nights you think its one thing and other you thinks its the complete opposite. Its absolutely exhausting, but do not let it get to you. You must be resilient. It will get better some day.
    Only because I always feel obligated to say it, but, I'm not a professional. However, judging by what you've said, you are suffering from considerable amounts of depression and anxiety. To me, that is what is causing your anhedonia. That is exactly how the illness, disease, or whatever you want to call it works. It seems so reasonable to me. Is it really so hard to accept or at least consider this? Medications DID NOT permanently damage your brain, and I don't think subjecting yourself to every medication possible can do much good. I dunno, but I just feel its just going to lead to further imbalances associated with your brain chemistry. Anxiety/depression can manifest itself in many ways that aren't always easy to distinguish. You said it yourself, when you take xanax, things seem to be better. Thats probably because your anxiety is low and your not causing distress to yourself by overthinking things. Trust in your therapy. In my opinion, given you put yourself in a posotive enviornment with a good support system, such chemical imbalances are humanly unsustainable.Things are going to get better. Just give it time.
  14. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to MusicLover2 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    Ok I'm going to explain myself ONE last time...because you're really not getting it.
    1) You are NOT brain damaged. Get that silly idea out of your idea because you're only convincing yourself you are, you are subconsciously prolonging your own suffering, you are making excuses to not pick yourself up. Take a lesson from Biology - the body will do whatever it can to survive. An organism is made to survive so if your brain is chemically imbalanced, it will do what it can to get things straightened up OVER TIME.
    2) I felt EXACTLY how you did, I couldn't find problems wrong with why I felt so numb but it is there and you HAVE to dig deep to find out the reasons. There is always a reason behind everything. Blaming it on the meds you took FIVE years ago for 4/5 months is absolutely ridiculous. Face the fact that the meds didn't work because you still haven't addressed the problems that made you depressed in the first place causing you to feel numbness constantly. The brain has merely put a defense mechanism and is protecting you from getting hurt by blocking all feelings. You want to get your feelings back? Try to make an effort with soul searching and figure out why you are so down. Complaining isn't going to get you anywhere, I understand your frustrations 100% cuz guess what? I'VE BEEN THERE. Read my posts. I've felt exactly the same way as you have. But you're being so stubborn to take ANY advice which may help you in that case you're causing your own suffering.
    Point being is you're going to have to work to get yourself out of this state you've put yourself in for the last 5 years. I'm surprised you even survived that long as I couldn't fathom the fact of not feeling alive for so long so I made changes. It was a decision I made. Actions I put into place. Advice I took from a friend. Please don't tell me I don't know how you feel, everything you've described I've pretty much dealt with except the meds. That just shows that medications aren't necessarily the cause to anhedonia. Your feelings will gradually come back but until then you have to keep working at it constantly and not give up. That's a decision you have to make. I'm done with giving advice now because you're not taking anything in which is the silliest thing you can do.
  15. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to meeyow in What Should I Do?   
    Hi - I am 37 years old, . I finished my masters in june. And I can speak from the exact experience from the other side of having graduated.
    When I first had anxiety/depression I was a traditional age university student. I loathed some classes, and actually dreaded them with the same existential malaise that I hear you describing. Fortunately for me, I had a mentor who would get me out of trouble, beg the school deans and let me off very easy with limited assignments and incompletes that I could drag out into other semesters. I would over think things, skip classes and had no motivation. I would rationalize ways to get out of class. I would snap back after this with extreme guilt, anxiety, shame, etc. It was really difficult. Having a busy social life didn't help - because after work I would just blow off school and go out and party with friends as well. Then the cycle would start again. I would get to the point to where I was endanger of failing. In fact, I got either As or Fs because of this. This went on for a few years until it got so bad in my senior year that I failed out. Needless to say it took me YEARS to finish --- all because of this depression/anxiety. And then it went on to affect me in jobs and life because it wasn't properly addressed.
    My advice is this - make a bargain with yourself. Schedule specific times that you WILL study and don't break these appointments with yourself. If you do --- it is a slippery slope downhill, my friend - trust me.
    You have said yourself that you are intelligent and that passing the course isn't the issue, it sounds like finding the motivation and just doing it is the problem.
    After you keep these study appointments with yourself, you can reward yourself with something you have wanted.
    A word about medication....I didn't want it either when I was younger. I have my masters in an alternative medicine field. I tried everything from herbs, light therapy, relaxation, meditation, supplements, support groups, diet, etc. Finally after 18 years of battling this - trying everything and as hard as I could...and realizing that these issues kept coming between me and happiness - or me and finishing goals, affecting relationships, a good nights sleep once a year, etc.etc. I realized that taking the medication wasn't so bad. It has made my life 100% easier. I can actually work out problems from my past and not have a breakdown at the same time too.
    If you still don't want to take medication, I would inventory your life and see if there are things you can improve....alcohol and occasional drug use honestly can make this worse. eating poor diet. poor sleep routine. poor self talk.
    Good luck!
  16. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from sc2 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    Hello itstrever,
    I think its great what you're doing. Your effort is impressive and almost ironic really given the nature of this condition. We share many similaries in the way by which all of this started for us (prolonged periods of both stress and anxiety leading to depression as well). Unlike you however i still deal with anxiety on a regular basis. Early on anhedonia was my most prominent symptom. It was the reason for my bad moods. I would force my self to do activities in attempt to evoke joy/pleasure however my efforts were to no avail. Consequently, my mood would plummet. Every second of the day was a constant self-evaluation of my joy/pleasure level. I might even consider it obsessive. Understandable really, as I too am an engineer. If there is a problem pertinent to my life, my brain must solve it. So the research began, I remember feeling as though I had become a neurobiologist overnight haha. I also spoke to a university counselor twice. She really wasn't much help. She found my arguments quite logical/rational and so there wasn't much to be said.
    Today, almost a year since its all started for me, its not really an big issue, though I do have bouts of it - usually during times of high stress (surprise, surprise). For me, and i'm not saying its the same for you, but constantly trying to evoke or force happiness upon myself was kept me from enjoying whatever it was that I was doing. It kept me from being "in the moment" or achieving "flow." (You should check out Csikszentmihaly's flow model if you haven't already. You might find it interesting) I, however, cannot deny that there are physiological apsects to the condition as I know from personal experience. I am also not saying that it is entirely impossible for one to experience anhedonia for purely physiological reasons. What I will say is that it is my belief that my anhedonia was initially triggered by physiological chemical imbalances, however it was being perpetuated and maybe even exasperated by my psychological obsession in trying to fix it. Only after a long, long time, my brain finally gave up. I stopped caring if something was fun or not and just did it. And guess what happened. I had fun. It never seems to last for keep me in a good mood for long, but I thinks thats just the depression.
    Also, my expection of what happiness really was, was unrealistic. Of course now I see how irrational it was, but I almost expected mild euphoria. I finally discovered happiness was less of a feeling and more a mental construct and sense of well-being (again this is all of course subjective). Once I lowered my expectations of what happiness was, I found it made things more enjoyable. So something to keep in mind.
    There are certainly some differences between your situation and mine, but I do think it is possible that what you're doing might be counterproductive. You might be looking in the wrong places,andI think at a minimum you shouldn't rule out the idea of this being more psycholgoical than you might think. Nonetheless, and this somewhat contradictory to what I just said, I think what you're doing is great is going to help so many people. Your seemingly unrelentless drive can only be good for all those suffering from anhedonia in the. Best wishes, and let me know if you have any questions. :)
    KCDubs
    Also I never took meds so maybe the meds are having some effect as well. I'm sure you've already considered that but just a thought.
  17. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from jocata in I Can't Do It Anymore.   
    Yea. Its all so ****ed up. I just wish I could go back to the time when everything was right in the world and things seemed to make sense... That thought may be the only thing thats keeping me going. Maybe one day, a day in my lifetime, they will find a cure, and we can all be free of this.
  18. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from katersbee in What Are You Currently Thinking?   
    Life scares me, but I just hang in there. I hope I can get through this.
  19. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to peterb107 in Answers To Curing Anhedonia/numbness/apathy, No. 1   
    Its baby steps....and I mean baby steps!! It is not all one direction either, you will have good days and bad days.........but the good days get longer, and the bad days get further apart.
    It was by no means like an instant "switch" - I just realized one day that I hadn`t been thinking about feeling numb for a while, and that I had actually been "feeling" for a while without realizing.
    The thing is.....If your mind is constantly pre-occupied....subconsciously stressed.......analyzing how you feel all the time, then it is NO WONDER you can`t feel - all your attention and deep down anxiety is all you are thinking about - When you let go of the "fear" of not feeling again, and "accept" the numbness....live with it so to speak, your mind will slowly but surely heal/relax/re-open itself.
    I do remember one day in particular during my last recovery though........ I was a few weeks into my St Johns Wort and my "acceptance" technique, and was on my way to work (bear in mind, I had been totally numb to the world for ages) - when all of a sudden I realized how relaxed I felt. It was a crisp winters morning and the sun was shining - I remember walking and thinking "what a beautiful day"......and actually FEELING and APPRECIATING just how nice it was. I actually felt whole again, and actually felt "there" -.That feeling made me get an adrenaline rush........the adrenaline rush FELT GOOD.......So I smiled.......That FELT GOOD........Then I realized "wow!! I felt something!!! - It was literally overwhelming...... I run into work and burst into tears in the toilets - ALL emotions were flooding back - This lasted about 2 hours before I felt flat again............but was definitely "the start" of my recovery. It showed me that my technique was working, that my emotions were still there and that I needed to carry on what I was doing and all would come good.
    I didn`t notice anything as dramatic as this afterwards - infact, it set me back slightly as I wanted that feeling again, and started "searching" for the answers again......analyzing how I felt........wondering what i may have eaten etc on that day.
    I soon realized this was doing me no good......and went back to my original plan - and just "got on with things" - and like I said, I realized after some time that I had "forgotten" about my "illness", and had actually been doing things, and feeling for some time!
    Just make sure you keep active, keep busy, (even if you dont feel like it) - and maybe try the SJW instead of those powerful drugs.
  20. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from redsonja in I Don't Know Why I'm Depressed!   
    I've been really struggling lately. I'm not getting any better. Granted I'm not really doing anything to help my self (like counseling, medication, ect...), but its only because I don't have any reason to be depressed. I have a family who loves me, cool friends, I'm smart, and have a good job. I'm not in a relationship, however I don't really want one right now. Yea I have anxiety, and its why I became depressed in the first place, but it doesn't seem to be a problem anymore. By that I mean it doesn't keep me from doing anything I want to do. Despite all of these good things in my life I am still depressed, and now have become unbelievably apathetic. I just don't give a **** about anything anymore. School, don't care. Job, don't care. Family, don't care. WHY IS THIS??? I can't feel anything either. I constantly doubt whether or not I'm even capable of emotion. I can neither cry or laugh. I feel incapable of love/compassion in any form, even for my family. This is probably what bothers me the most. :( I'd like to think I still care about them deep down, but I just can't seem to feel it. Sometimes I think I am just ovethinking it... And now, because of all this I'm lost in life simply for the fact that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. At the moment its nothing. :( I keep pushing myself through a normal life and its so ******* hard. I only do what I do because I have hope that things might change one day. My hope is fading tho. I keep waiting for this all just to go away and it won't. Every second of the day I evaluate my mood to the point where it has become obsessive. Always asking myself "Am I happy?, Why am I not happy?, Will I ever be happy again?, ect..." It makes it hard to have fun when such thoughts run through your head. I guess for now I'd say at least things aren't getting any worse, but I'm afraid at some point I'll just get sick of living like this and give in. Whats the point of living if its no fun. :( Anyways, I hope this post isn't too messy, but any advice, suggestions, encouragement, or similiar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
  21. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from HangOnSloth in I Don't Know Why I'm Depressed!   
    Yes, you're right. There's no question that stigma is holding me back from seeking help. Its the typical false belief that so many people have in which only severe mental health issues require therapy, meds, and such. I know this is not true though. I suppose, more specifically, its this fear that by seeing a therapist I might start to think my depression is worse than it actually is, which will then, in turn, make it worse than it actually is. I don't know, I'm sooo lost and confused. I haven't spoken to my friends or family about it because of both stigma, and I rather them not worry about me. If it gets bad enough however, I will certainly turn to them. Nevertheless, I've decided that I'm going to start working with a counselor at my university. Its time I try something else because whatever I'm doing isn't working.
    Thanks for your help HangOnSloth. I don't talk to anyone else about my anxiety/depression, so its been really hard. Thanks for making it all just a bit easier for me to manage.
  22. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from JohnW11 in Everthing Looking Pointless..losing Desire To Live   
    Yup, the classic 'life is pointless' feeling. I experience that on most days. I just try not to think about it. I try to live in the moment as best I can and thats what usually helps the most. Very rarely I can find myself looking forward to something, but then again this is very rare. Just keep soldiering through it. It will eventually pass.
    Best Wishes :)
  23. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from HangOnSloth in No More Options - At The End   
    Of course there is hope xora. It is clear that you still have hope for the things that you have mentioned. Just keep fighting, and hang on to that hope because you will recover. It just takes some time, time to learn and accept things about yourself. At some point you will find peace and joy in life.
    And also, something that always gives me hope is understanding that treatments for mentall illness will only get better. Heck, they might be able to cure depression completely in 10 years. You never know.
    Best Wishes :)
  24. Like
    K C Dubs reacted to lindahurt in What Made You Laugh Today?   
    Well, this morning I laughed at myself. Went into my family room and forget why.
  25. Like
    K C Dubs got a reaction from Lexicat in Why Is Life So Long ?   
    I agree with Lexicat. Go out and take some risks, what have you got to lose. I used to have so much anxiety when I thought about college. I thought my depression and anxiety would ultimately lead to failure. I just go part time and it has been very managable. I am now going to be a junior with a 3.0 gpa. It's been a huge boost to my confidence. I think so much of depression stems from a complete lack of confidence in anything we do. Sometimes you need to just go out and PROVE YOURSELF WRONG. YOU CAN DO IT! Just give it a shot. :) Best wishes.
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