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K C Dubs

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  1. Ok, So a few years back I used to post here when I was going through my bout of depression, and I remember always thinking "I wish there were more success stories on this forum to give me hope." The thing you have to realize is people DO beat depression and DO return to their normal lives, but those people most always have no need in coming back here to post about it. I remember telling myself that when I do beat it, its important that I post here because I know how much hope it will give some of you. Anyways, I'll start at the beginning. In February of 2012, an incident occurred, one not worth explaining, that essentially gave me an anxiety disorder overnight. It flipped my world upside-down. It was the crippling sort. The type that grew into a fear of all things irrational. I was afraid to do anything that wasn't lying in bed reading posts from various forums. It ruined me. Eventually the anxiety led to depression and I before I knew it I was in the depths of hell. It was as bad as depression gets. No emotion, no pleasure, no motivation, no purpose, and worst of all, no hope. Life became getting through the day just to get to the next. Even after the anxiety dissipated, I was still left with depression. It felt as though it would never end. I remember hating that thought. So much went through my mind during that time that it would take me a lifetime to explain it here. All I can tell you was that, with time, things returned to normal. Its was never helpful to think that it's going to just suddenly end one day or overnight. The worst of my depression lasted for about a year and a half and eventually, I stopped expecting it to end. I just trudged through life learning to cope. Here's where it got better. The single most important information that I believe I can give is this: “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Of course this isn't going to be true at first. Things won't be enjoyable but you have to FORCE yourself to do everything that used to bring you happiness. I know it sounds like the hardest thing in the world to do at times but it gets easier if you let it become habit. Get used to the thought of "This is going to suck, but I'm going to do it anyways." Don't let it depress you even further when you do something and it doesn't make you happy. Expect it to be boring. Understand that it's the nature of the condition. Eventually, over time, that quote will start to prove itself true. Randomly, you'll notice brief and fleeting moments of enjoyment which you can hang your hat on and say "Wow, for a split-second, I enjoyed that." Those moments will start to come more frequent and last longer. In my opinion, it just takes a long time, and I mean long time, for your brain to adopt a new paradigm of life that allows you to be happy again. It is a gradual process, so gradual in fact, that when the depression is over, you won't even realize it. One day you're just sitting there realizing that you're doing all the things you used to do and really enjoying them. Whether it was music, television, social interaction, or video games, I found myself two years later enjoying all of them again. Welp, there it is. That's my story. Maybe I'm not back to the complete happy-go-lucky person I was before depression, and, in a way, I feel I'm always coping to some minor degree. I've just become so good at it though, that it's effortless. What's important is that I am happy and my life is headed in a good direction. I can say things I'd never thought I'd say again. I have future goals and ambitions. I have a purpose. I have my emotions back. It's all back and it will be for you too. Love and regards K C Dubs Feel free to message me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to because helping you guys out is very fulfilling for me. Other points - I did not use medication for depression, only for a brief period while dealing with anxiety. - Keeping a journal really helped me cope. Putting your thoughts down on paper will really help you to analyze your feelings. - Stay connected with others. Whether that be people you know personally or people here, they will help you to get through this.
  2. Well... where do I start. I guess I can start by saying its been over a year now since the start of my new life battling anxiety and depression. Its been the hardest 15 months of my life, but also the most humbling. I can't believe how much I've changed. I see the world so much differently now. I stopped posting for a while because things have been going well. Maybe "well" isn't the right word, but "well enough" if you know what I mean. I guess I just haven't felt the need to write these entries anymore. Yea sure, I still deal with anxiety and depression on a daily basis, but I'm just used to it by now. I've learned to live with it and still carry on with my life. I wish I could tell you why or what the cause of all this is/was by now, but I still don't know. I gave up trying to figure it out and just accepted that I'll always live with it. I still have a hard time enjoying things and experiencing emotions to the extent that I used to, but thats just a concomitant of the condition. I still lack motivation and have a hard time seeing a future for myself. For now, I take things one day at a time and it seems to be working. I don't really know why I decided to write this. Maybe its because I finally feel that the whole "crisis" part of it is over and it needed some closure. Maybe one day I'll be able to live without depression and anxiety entirely, but until that day comes, I'll just have to deal with it. KCDubs
  3. I can't tell you how much I can relate with this. Its like the smallest little deadline will just overwhelm me with stress, and I don't deal with stress well. I can't figure out if its just how I am and I was just born to suck at dealing with stress, or if depression, anxiety and/or something else is causing me to feel this way. I didn't used to be like this. Right now I'm going to school part time with an amazing job that is very stress free. I'm getting by (barely). I swear I'm sick all the time because of all the stress. The only thing I've really found to help is just try to live in the now, which I suck at... If I can get my mind off all the stressors things are ok.
  4. I think everyone with anxiety has mostly likely had the fear of possession/fear of going crazy thing at some point or another. I know I used to early on. The thoughts/fears were practically obsessive, however for me it just got better with time. Now it rarely bothers me. I guess you just get used to it. Your mind will realize that despite all these fears of things that you think will happen, they don't ever and will never happen. That despite these thoughts, you have still had full control over your actions. Thoughts are just thoughts. They don't dictate how you act. Once your brain understands that, those thoughts have no bearing and thus go away. In my opinion, its almost inevitable that your brain will come to accept this overtime. Again I'm sure you've heard this from yourself and others a million times, but its just anxiety. Thats all it is. Hell, even still if I see a commercial or clip about possesion or some pycho i can get a little scared but it just doesn't last anymore. I'll forget about it within minutes. Hope this helps : )
  5. Wow I couldn't have said it better myself. Its all so unfortunate.
  6. So, lately I've come across some of the music I was listening to a lot during the depths of my depression. I get this uncomfortable/anxious feeling everytime I listen to it. Its really good music but it just reminds me too much of that scary time in my life. Its not just music either, its lots of things really. Its been just over a year since my first depressive episode so the change of the seasons is really starting to remind me so much of it. I hate being reminded of a time in my life that I'm trying to forget. Does this happen to any of you guys?
  7. Wow, congratulations screenman! Glad to see your feeling in a good mood!
  8. I think most people living with anxiety and depression have trouble remembering things from time to time. I wouldn't worry about a brain tumor or anything like that, but if you want peace of mind it couldn't hurt to get it checked out. I forget a lot of the things you mentioned all the time. I don't think its because of any permanent brain damage or anything like that. I just think with anxiety and depression, its harder to be fully engaged in things we do/hear, so they just don't "stick" very well. Things seem more meaningless, so it makes it much easier for them to slip our minds. Don't worry, your not going to lose your ability to remember altogether. Anxiety can sometimes make you think silly things like that. =)
  9. One of the most informative videos you'll ever see on depression (you may have already seen it): "Stanford's Sapolsky On Depression in U.S."Just google it or search for it on youtube. I think its also pinned on the "Depression Central" forum. It talks about some of the differences between just regular depression as compared to clinical depression, which is a more severe form that usually last much longer.
  10. This was an awesome poll! I found it extremely enlightening.
  11. "I don't know, I'm so confused in all of this, and I really do whatever the therapists try and tell me to do and try to have positive behaviors and thinking and all that, but nothing has helped. I just want to be normal again, where it doesn't take the use of addictive dead end drugs to give me a sort of relief or feeling of well being; a state where I feel good naturally; where I can relax naturally; where I feel deep emotions and don't have to try so hard just to see if I feel good because it is obvious that I do. Some people might say that I'm looking for some unrealistic euphoria. No, what I am looking for is to be the person I used to be before the depression." Bro, I totally feel you on all of this. I swear I've been exactly where you are and can commiserate 100% with you on this. It is all so confusing. Some nights you think its one thing and other you thinks its the complete opposite. Its absolutely exhausting, but do not let it get to you. You must be resilient. It will get better some day. Only because I always feel obligated to say it, but, I'm not a professional. However, judging by what you've said, you are suffering from considerable amounts of depression and anxiety. To me, that is what is causing your anhedonia. That is exactly how the illness, disease, or whatever you want to call it works. It seems so reasonable to me. Is it really so hard to accept or at least consider this? Medications DID NOT permanently damage your brain, and I don't think subjecting yourself to every medication possible can do much good. I dunno, but I just feel its just going to lead to further imbalances associated with your brain chemistry. Anxiety/depression can manifest itself in many ways that aren't always easy to distinguish. You said it yourself, when you take xanax, things seem to be better. Thats probably because your anxiety is low and your not causing distress to yourself by overthinking things. Trust in your therapy. In my opinion, given you put yourself in a posotive enviornment with a good support system, such chemical imbalances are humanly unsustainable.Things are going to get better. Just give it time.
  12. Thanks meeyow, I'm glad to hear you were able to eventually go on to get a degree. With so much self-doubt, it gives me hope that I might one day as well. Its just that there's so much pressure and expectation from EVERYONE around me to finish college in the traditional 4 year period, which is already waaaaaaaaay out of the question. Honestly, I'm not absolutely opposed to medication. I'm just so skeptic and pessimistic about everything right now. I guess I'd just like to know a little more about it. If your up to it, would you mind describing how medication helped you? Like did you just eventually have less anxiety and stress? More happiness? Did it help you focus more? Was there more bounce to your step? Did it help you enjoy things more? And how did it affect your emotions? I guess really I'm just curious as to what sort of differences in the way you felt/thought that you would attribute specifically to the medication. Thanks again for the reply. Like I said earlier, it really means a lot.
  13. Hello itstrever, I think its great what you're doing. Your effort is impressive and almost ironic really given the nature of this condition. We share many similaries in the way by which all of this started for us (prolonged periods of both stress and anxiety leading to depression as well). Unlike you however i still deal with anxiety on a regular basis. Early on anhedonia was my most prominent symptom. It was the reason for my bad moods. I would force my self to do activities in attempt to evoke joy/pleasure however my efforts were to no avail. Consequently, my mood would plummet. Every second of the day was a constant self-evaluation of my joy/pleasure level. I might even consider it obsessive. Understandable really, as I too am an engineer. If there is a problem pertinent to my life, my brain must solve it. So the research began, I remember feeling as though I had become a neurobiologist overnight haha. I also spoke to a university counselor twice. She really wasn't much help. She found my arguments quite logical/rational and so there wasn't much to be said. Today, almost a year since its all started for me, its not really an big issue, though I do have bouts of it - usually during times of high stress (surprise, surprise). For me, and i'm not saying its the same for you, but constantly trying to evoke or force happiness upon myself was kept me from enjoying whatever it was that I was doing. It kept me from being "in the moment" or achieving "flow." (You should check out Csikszentmihaly's flow model if you haven't already. You might find it interesting) I, however, cannot deny that there are physiological apsects to the condition as I know from personal experience. I am also not saying that it is entirely impossible for one to experience anhedonia for purely physiological reasons. What I will say is that it is my belief that my anhedonia was initially triggered by physiological chemical imbalances, however it was being perpetuated and maybe even exasperated by my psychological obsession in trying to fix it. Only after a long, long time, my brain finally gave up. I stopped caring if something was fun or not and just did it. And guess what happened. I had fun. It never seems to last for keep me in a good mood for long, but I thinks thats just the depression. Also, my expection of what happiness really was, was unrealistic. Of course now I see how irrational it was, but I almost expected mild euphoria. I finally discovered happiness was less of a feeling and more a mental construct and sense of well-being (again this is all of course subjective). Once I lowered my expectations of what happiness was, I found it made things more enjoyable. So something to keep in mind. There are certainly some differences between your situation and mine, but I do think it is possible that what you're doing might be counterproductive. You might be looking in the wrong places,andI think at a minimum you shouldn't rule out the idea of this being more psycholgoical than you might think. Nonetheless, and this somewhat contradictory to what I just said, I think what you're doing is great is going to help so many people. Your seemingly unrelentless drive can only be good for all those suffering from anhedonia in the. Best wishes, and let me know if you have any questions. :) KCDubs Also I never took meds so maybe the meds are having some effect as well. I'm sure you've already considered that but just a thought.
  14. I don't really feel like writing but I'm bored and I figured what the hell. To start, I flunked all my classes last semester and my parents stopped paying for my education. I'm back in school and again going just part time. I'm already scared of flunking one of my courses because I can't seem to find the motivation anywhere to put work into it. I'm literally broke and won't have enough money to pay rent next month. So as you can imagine, things are pretty much as usual. Despite all this I'm still "ok" i guess you could say. I did see a university counselor twice in December but she wasn't much help. She tried and all, but she just wasn't able to tell me anything that actually helped me. All in all there have been ups (if you can call them ups) and downs and I seem to continue to trudge through life. Things aren't so dark anymore, just dull. I suppose I'm getting used to all of it. I'm learing how to cope and how to get back into the rhythem of things (at least to a degree), however I just don't seem to be feeling any better. The real reason I actually decide to write this is because I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight. I'm coming up on almost a year since living like this. I just wish things were different. I wish I could see things how I used to. I wish I could believe in the things I used to believe in. O man was life beauitul. Its all means nothing to me now. Am I just finally letting go of all the fairy tales that once made the prospect of living so exciting? Am I just learning to accept the harsh reality of existence? Or is anxiety and depression just blinding me from those things? I want to believe in it all again. Love, destiny, something magical. But no, I'm dead inside. I just want to change me but I can't. Its not fair. *tear* Its just not fair. Thanks for those who took the time to read. Writing these entries is nice. I guess its away of putting down who I am, how I feel, and what I stand for in a way. Those are things that are complicated to understand amidst all of this.
  15. Hey. So I've just began spring semester of college and already I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by stress and anxiety. I'm only taking two classes, one of which I rather enjoy and will most likely ace with ease, however, the other class in particular is what greatly concerns me. Its a class I must take AND PASS otherwise I'll lose my fundings. I'm quite intelligent, so this is not matter of difficulty, but rather motivation. The material is absolutely meaningless to me and I'm overcome with a sort of nihilistic/depressed/anxious feeling at the sheer thought of even learning it. I haven't been to one lecture or even opened the book for that matter. I worked with a university counselor for a short time last semester and she really wasn't much help at all. Not that she wasn't trying, but she really wasn't able to tell me something I didn't already know. I'll probably need to work with a professional in the future, but I just don't have time for that right now. Fortunately I have a great job that allows me to make my own schedule and get my school work done as well. Its really the one thing going for me right now. Nonetheless, money is still very tight. I have GAD, and all this is causing a geat deal of both anxiety and depression that is carrying over to all aspects of my life. I fear the worst for my future and I don't know what to do. Anyone who is willing to offer ANY advice and/or encouragement of some form would be mean a lot. Also, I do not take medication. Just a personal preference.
  16. Hey Nate, I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time right now. Believe me, most all of us here can relate. Going through life like this can be EXHAUSTING, but it doesn't have to be like this. Life is really hard at times, but if you're willing to fight you can come out on the other side. My advice would be to start working on things that are in your control. It sounds like you love your family very much. You should reach out to them if you already haven't. Its important that they understand what you're going through, and hopefully the provide much support and encouragement. Also, does your university offer counseling services? I just had my first meeting with a counselor at my university, and I was amazed at how good if felt to be able to open up to somebody that was willing to listen and provide amazing feedback. As far as the relationship goes, that will pass with time. You'll eventually move on and meet new people. Its going to be ok Nate. Hang in there. We're all in this with you.
  17. Yea. Its all so ****ed up. I just wish I could go back to the time when everything was right in the world and things seemed to make sense... That thought may be the only thing thats keeping me going. Maybe one day, a day in my lifetime, they will find a cure, and we can all be free of this.
  18. Thanks. I love the people here. They are very supportive. Its just so unfair. Why us?
  19. I guess I shouldn't say there's no reason. Anxiety is the reason. But i sware it feels like this is never going to get better. I just can't see myself thinking any differently. I'm always going to have anxiety and I'm always going to be depressed... It all seems so hopeless.
  20. Its all so exhausting, and I just can't keep going through life like this. I have no reason to be depressed yet I still am. Life is not fun to me anymore, and because of my anxiety, I spend all day worrying about nothing. I'm going to flunk this semester of college too because of all of this. I feel so overwhelmed and like I'm losing control. I can't take it. I've been dealing with this s*** for almost a year now, and I don't see myself ever beating it. I just want to give up.
  21. Yea I know. I keep telling myself to get some help but just can never bring myself to do it. I am so skeptical do to my pessimism. I just wish this would all end. Its a nightmare for me. I should have a great life, but I can't seem to escape from this hellhole. I hope we find a cure for mental illness one day. No one and I mean NO ONE deserves the pain depression and anxiety bring.
  22. Wow. I feel like I could have written that. I'm not usually the type to say this, but your post struck home more than any other post I've read on this forum. Its hard to tell based on what you've written whether or not you are depressed or have dealt with depression, so I couldn't really tell you what the cause for your lack of motivation is. Maybe your just not in the right situation in life. However I will tell you that for me it feels like I'm exerting so much time and energy in just trying to be happy and OK with things that its hard to find motivation to do anything else. Its been this way the entire semester and the next thing ya know, I'm barely holding on to my job and now I'm way behind in my school work. And now that I'm behind I'm afraid to even try and catch up because I know it will be ridicoulously challenging and a potentially overwhelming amount of stress. As far as advice, here's what I can say. I've noticed that one thing that helps is if I tell myself "just do it." I know it sounds stupid and redundant but for me its the only mentality that really works. Regardless of how much I'd rather not, I just do it. Once I've actually completed something I find that not only am I more motivated to keep with it and stay on track, but I'm also more interested in what it is that I'm doing. So just figure out what it is that you have to do and just do it. Trust me, you'll be much happier and much less stressed if you do. I sincerely wish you the best.
  23. So I've been suffering from anxiety for around 9 months or so. I've not been officially diagnosed however my symptoms match that of GAD. Its not the crippling type of anxiety that keeps me from going out, however it is seriously affecting my peace of mind and quality of life. Its this sort of dark looming fear thats there almost 24/7. Its triggered by certain thoughts i.e. college, my future, my happiness ect... Also, I recently and I suppose you could say unwillingly became an atheist and now there's this strong existential despair which always kills my mood. Its like everytime I feel happy my mind immediatly tells me its too good to be true and reminds me that really nothing matters or is even real. Anyways, its really a combination of many things that cause so much anxiety and stress in my life and it never seems to end. My mind is always finding something to worry about. Its like my anxiety needs to be fueled by something so once I get over one thing its just moves on to the next. And I just hate being alone because my mind will just tear itself apart. I've become quite emotionally numb and depressed. Not quite sure I even have the capacity to feel compassion, love, or sympathy anymore. I feel like speaking with a pdoc or counselor could help but I'm afraid I might end up finding out that I'm just helpless case and that would be the ultimate discouragement. Ha my unrelenting pessimism is amusing. Ugh, I'd write more but I've lost motivation and I don't really see the point. I guess what I really want to say is that I am in need of some serious advice and encouragement.
  24. Life scares me, but I just hang in there. I hope I can get through this.
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