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About Blueleaf

  • Birthday 12/02/1982

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    Ontario, Canada

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  1. INFJ... None of my scores are higher than 33% ( I ) and my lowest is J ( 1 ) Seems to be a popular one on here...
  2. I got home from work yesterday at 6 PM and went straight to bed. I slept until 6 this morning. I was so tired yesterday that my whole body felt raw. I believe I slept last night but waking up this morning felt like I went right back into the swing of it. I litteraly dragged myself out of bed and to work. The only thing keeping me going right now is the fear of being fired at work. I've already been "gently" advised that I had been taking a few more sick days than average and it may not necessarily look good. So I'm at work, staring at my computer screen...wondering what the hell to do. There is no productivity....no will to keep going...no motivation at all. The worst of it is that I know I CAN do it but because I'm so mired in my pain, I feel useless.
  3. When I'm in a deep dark cycle...(like the last 6 days) my body feels heavy. My joints ache, my muscles feel sore and I just feel like I've reached a point beyond being tired. It's times like this that even pretending to be normal isn't working. People ask me if I'm ok and I look unwell. I want to just scream that I'm not ok. I can't be angry at them though, they don't know. At work, how do you explain that the reason you aren't productive is that it took an immense effort just to get out of bed and be here. I'm sorry...I'm derailing my own post. Yes, other people feel this physical ache. The worst part is that if you've never felt it, you have no idea what its like. I wish I had a visible disability...it would be so much easier...
  4. Moody, thanks for the advice... Lost, don't let anyone tell you that it's not real. Feelings are quite real. You and I and everyone on this forum know it's real.
  5. Does anyone else feel like their depression is a tangible thing? I wake up in the morning and my whole body aches. I have no medical condition that explains it (well...other than the depression). I've seen my doctor a few times and she's run me through a battery of tests. None of which came up conclusive. I almost wish they would have found something. At least then I could have had something to go on. Instead, I just feel like my very soul is in pain. How do you fight something that just seeps through your very essence and makes you feel just wrong?
  6. Every morning, when I wake up and look in the mirror, I hate the face that looks back. I hate it because all through my school years, I was told that it was ugly. I hate it because its the face of a man who lives with such despair and regret. I hate it because it's the face I wear every day and its the face of a man that constantly fails and underachieves because he's so tied down to his fears and worries that he lets them hobble him...
  7. The signs of my condition are showing when my wife or the few friends I have tell me I look tired. That usually means that I just don't have the strength or care enough to put on "The Face ". The face is my ability to carry on through normal life without anyone knowing that I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I also preffer to hide in my house when not at work. It's safe, nothing can go wrong there, right?
  8. Thanks Meirionne... I apologize alot...and caught myself apologizing for apologizing... Today is somewhat better than yesterday, I'm not thinking about all that stuff I was thinking about. I am feeling very antsy and extremely uncomfortable in my skin though. Got more details about the work re-organization and it should make me feel better that their "intentions" are not to cut staff. Any normal person, however, would not take that comment at face value...my anxiety and depression are working overtime to help me overthink the whole thing though. One day at a time...maybe my mind will feel more comfortable in my head tomorrow...
  9. I appreciate the kind words.... Going to get some rest. I don't know if it's the same for others but I find that when I have very bad days, I am extremely exhausted both physically and mentally. Tomorrow is another day. I'll keep you all updated. Going to have a talk with my wife in the morning as well, once I've had some sleep (hopefully). I'm sorry for taking up time...others probably need it more. I just thought I should mention it to someone, if anyone, what my brain was processing... Good night all... BL
  10. I'm not home alone...wife and some friends are here. There was an announcement at work that there is going to be some layoffs...they're talking about a 15% reduction in staff. Doesn't help when one of your main depression triggers is a fear of being jobless. Oh yeah...we just signed the mortgage on a new house in a month or so... The thing is that I'm not really sure how to tell my wife "yadda yadda...btw, I've been pondering this thing for the past 24 hours..." It's been a long while since I've been in this mental place.
  11. Spent the day with Ideations...first time in a few years... Today is not a good day at all....
  12. If there is anyting that got me through Post-Secondary, it was the thought that I would succeed...I would do so if only so that I could prove to the whole world and to myself that they were all wrong. Don't listen to that voice. It sounds more difficult than it seems but take it from someone that lives with panic attacks and anxiety...that voice is not always right and not always beneficial. If you're already in uni, chances are high school performance means nothing anymore. You haven't failed, I can't promise what the future holds (no one can, really) but if you don't try...you'll never know. One step at a time, my friend... BL
  13. Lugh baby here...I'm a Celtic Recon (druid if it's easier, celtic pagan if that helps!!!) and my path, if anything, has given me purpose in keeping it together enough to get through the day. For those that may or may not know, Lugh Samhildanach (Irish for Lugh Equally skilled in all arts) is one of the chief deities in most celtic circles (aka. Lugos, Lougos, Llew and to some extents, he shares mysteries with Odin, Mercury and even the Archangel Michael). I was born Roman Catholic and because of my depression and anxiety, I left that path (some would say I lost my way...). About 9 years ago, I met some wonderful people on Southern Ontario and started learning about other spiritualities. Because I have a very important attachment to my ancestry, I met a fellow with whom I started talking and after about 20 minutes I discovered that most people of French (France) descent are actually Celts (Gauls...). I joined Ceilidh Sidhe (His circle) and in the last 3 years have developped a second familly unit with our members. In fact, a few of them have been integral in keeping my mind whole. It's refreshing to see pagans represented here. I do, however, accept all forms of religion and I believe strongly that spirituality and religion are a strong component of a healthy life.
  14. Hey Lyev... Welcome to the forums. As you can tell, I'm new here too. You're not alone in how you feel. I started smoking too because of my issues and I've tried to quit on and off for a while now. I can tell you that you are not a failure though. You've come here and told us how you feel and that, sir, that is a huge accomplishment in its own right. We take it one step at a time!!! Hey, since we're both trying to quit...I see mutual support in that ;) Looking forward to hearing more from your end! BL
  15. When I wake up in the morning, my first thoughts are of how my anxiety and depression will be triggered today. It's actually a difficult chore for me to get out of bed on time (I've taken to shower at night and since I have long hair, a brush and a hair tie in the morning make me look presentable.) Once I have coffee in the morning, it makes me feel a little better about the day but it's really not until I go home and have time to myself that I start feeling good. Then it's time to go to bed and start it all over. Weekends are not AS bad but it still requires alot of work in the morning for me just to get up...(Never mind how Sunday Nights are possibly the worst of the week...)
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