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CricketBoots

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About CricketBoots

  • Birthday February 15

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  1. I have been feeling extremely bad for the past three weeks; more so than normal. I seem to always have a cloud looming over my head a majority of the time. Some days is it worse and some days not so. But, lately, oh my goodness. I think I have mentioned that I am in an outpatient program and it is rough. So many feeling coming to the surface. The "processing" group is the hardest one to deal with. That is where we "process" our feelings and work thru them. I had a particular bad this past Tuesday at group. On my way home, I lost time and woke up at home with c*ts on my arm. It could only have been my bad alter who could have done that with me unaware of it. Oh no. what no
  2. Thank you for the thought words and inspiration you have spoken.
  3. I cannot remember if I have said or not that I am in a Day Treatment program and I guess I am too lazy to look back to see, but I will lay the blame on mental exhaustion. I start half-day this coming Monday. In one sense I am happy for that because I won't have to be bothered with it. On the other hand, I feel I need to structure and the communication with the therapist and psychiatrist there. I have not control over any of that. This past Friday was very difficult for me. It was a very stressful day at the center. The groups took a lot out of me. Early on in the day a therapist came and got me out of group wanting to talk about my "blue sheet" we have to fill out every morning. I ranked myself 3 out of 5 for sui**dal thoughts. I have done that for 2 weeks now. But all of a sudden she wants to call my wife and have her secure my meds so I will not have access to them. I always have sui**dal thoughts, but without intent. Then, close to the end of the day before we left for the day, a different Psychiatrist came and got me to talk with me. She said she was filling in for my normal Psychiatrist. While in her office I almost had a melt down. I could not think clearly or talk clearly. I suppose it was lingering on from that morning talking with the therapist. When I got home I took a nose dive. I truly thought I was going to have to go and admit myself. It is so hard to explain the feeling, but it is one that I have felt many times before. Finally, I just took my night meds and went to bed and hoped and prayed the feeling would pass. I had horrible dreams during the night that finally woke me up and I just had to get out of bed and come to the living room. I feel better today, but not by much.
  4. Hi killjoy: I was dx'ed with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type in 2001. I underwent an extensive assessment that lasted about 5 hours. It just about put me in the hospital. The result was this dx. I was not dx'ed with Borderline PD, however. I am not certain I can give you a clear understanding of the dx other than for me I exhibited signs of Schizophrenia and a mood disorder (that being of the Bipolar nature). I see and hear things that no one can and I have delusions as well. My mood is generally all over the place. I can go from a somewhat "normal" mood (normal to me anyway) to an extreme high or extreme low in a very short period of time. I have been in the hospital more times than I wish to say or count. My life has been adversely affected by my illnesses. I wish you well in seeking the answers you are looking for killjoy. Sometimes they can be illusive. I hope my comments can be of use to you. Take care.
  5. I am wondering why I am not on an antidepressant along with lithium. I am in a Outpatient Treatment Program now and not seeing the VA pdoc or tdoc (which I am so pleased at.) I asked my new tdoc about an antidepressant, but she said she wants to wait a little longer before we talk about that because she made a slight adjustment to my meds, which I understand and appreciate. My depressions is at an all-time low (well, maybe not an all-time low, but close enough.) I am so desperate to feel better. I do not even care about being "happy," just give me "better." I don't know. My mind is in shambles, thoughts not clear, blah, blah, blah. Just sick of all this. Sick of everything. Sick of this life. Sick of this body. I just...well, I haven't done that in a while now.
  6. Hi. I have been in a day treatment program almost for a week now. It is so hard. I am very much an introvert and having to be in a room with total strangers is very stressful, much less that they expect me to participate. By the time I get home, I am exhausted, both physically and mentally. The tdoc there increased two of meds today and I have to get bloodwork done next week because of it. I am still trying to understand how the program will help me. So far, the only thing I can relate to is the anger management group. I know i need to give it more time, i suppose. One of my the many things I need help with is my own self-identity. I lost my life's memories back in 2001 due to ECT treatments. They devastated me. I had 52 in a one year. ever since I have been trying to find out who i was/am and I have not been able to do that. I would see something I liked about someone, a trait for example, so I would adopt that into my life trying to create a new me. That was futile. It didn't work. Loss of identity is horrible and really sucks. I have not had a therapist in all these years who has been willing to work with me on this, especially the VA. My latest therapist at the VA told me not long ago he could "cure" me of all my illnesses, schizoaffective, bipolar type, depression, DID, paranoid personality disorder. Tell me if I am wrong...have any of you ever heard of a cure for those illnesses? I believe it may be possible to merge alters and even alleviate personality disorders, but the rest? I do not know. Anyway, I have rambled on enough. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. cricketboots.
  7. Hi, not sure really what I want to say...well, maybe just not sure how to say all I want to say, I guess. I was dx'ed with DID and Bipolar back in 1984, then Schizoaffective, Bipolar Type and DID in 2001. I have been in and out of hospitals since the early 2000's. It has been a roller coaster to the extreme for so long. I recently moved to another state to marry my wife. I am part of the Veterans Administration healthcare system, but if you have heard the horror stories about VA healthcare, I want to confirm how messed up it is. I am now seeking help in an outpatient program. Today was my first day and I found out this program is in the top 5 in the nation. So, fingers crossed, it will be beneficial for me. I has a member of DF Forums a number of years ago, but I got away from it. I secluded myself from most of the world and people. My now wife really helps me. She is such a caring and understanding person and accepts me for who I am. I guess I will close here. Take care.
  8. My name is Sean "cricketboots." I have been a member of this site since the early 2011's - 12's. I was in Georgia, USA then. Now I am in South Carolina. I have missed being able to talk with the many friends I made here, but due to memory issues from treatment, I do not remember any of them. I hope to reconnect with them and to make new friends. I was dx'ed with Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar type, OCD, PTSD and DID back in the early 1980's. It has been a very difficult life for me as I know it has been for many of you. I start a new private treatment program this coming Monday. So, I hope it will be helpful. I have been utilizing the veterans administration system for a number of years. I must say that for the most part it is worthless. I am in hopes that this new program will be more beneficial for me. Well, I suppose that is all for now. Take care.
  9. I really hope that your memories, at least some them, will return. for me, it is not likely. after all, it's been, what, 14 years now? im happy for you that your fiancé understands and helps you. that is important. congratulations by the way. I know and understand that it is hard for you. it has been hard for me. most people who haven't lost their memory can't understand how it feels to lose your life's memories and how it feels to struggle daily in trying to just make it through the day wondering what you have forgotten.. I don't know what could be worse, forgetting that I may have forgotten or just forgetting. makes sense, yes? how long has it been since your last ect? I have heard that memory issues could linger as long as 6 months in some cases who have not been adversely affected. maybe you mentioned that in your original post. i'll take a look and see. I am trying so hard to build new memories with my fiancé. I am losing, but I keep on trying. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be a-o-kay, but I can't because it hasn't been for me and that has been going on 14 years now. People tell me to not dwell on trying to remember the past. I just want to punch them in the nose then tell them to just forget that I just punched you, you know, don't dwell on the past! they don't understand what it feels like to not know who you were or are. all I can say though is to never give up hope. keep fighting with all your might. maybe you will persevere.
  10. hi. I am the friend that Shmooey, above, mentioned. I started to not reply to your post because I didn't want to give you sense of hopelessness. but, then I didn't want you to feel alone either. you see, I am experiencing the same problems you are with memory. I had 52 ect treatments back in early 2000's. as a result, they say about 98% of my life's memories have been wiped away. in addition, I also have short-term memory problems that bothers me like the back plaque. yes, I agree, in most situations memory loss, as a result of ect, is a temporary issue. but, there are those few situations where everything goes wrong. that is what happened to me. I have only a few "flashbacks" now and then of what might be memories. the therapists are not even sure if those are true memories or are phanthom memories as a result of my frantic efforts in trying to remember my life. I have no recollection of my childhood, even through high school. I have no memory of being in the marine corps. i have no memories of my wife of 25 years. I was a quality engineer for 20 years and was until the time I underwent the ects. during the ects I lost my engineering knowledge and was asked to resign from my career because i forgot how to do my job. my wife passed away in sometime in 2005, but I don't remember it. I have a Note 3 Samsung phone. it has a calendar in it with a task list. I keep everything I need to do in it, from appointments with my doctors, to my NAMI meetings, even an alarm for when I need to take the trash off every week. in the to-do list, I will sit myself down, and try and make up a list of things I need to do, something as simple as washing the dishes or to sweep the floor or check my email...i am always adding to this list as think of things. I even had a reminder that Shmooey wanted me to take a look at your post. I keep looking at those lists all the time to help me through the day. without the lists i would be completely lost. the problem for me is trying to remember the items that need to go on the list. I make the list as long as I can make it then copy it to the next day for the things I didn't get done. that way, I don't have to try and create a list every day. if I find there is something I need to do and it's not on the list, I will add it right then and there so I won't forget. I also have paper copy planner I keep my appointments in in case something happens to my phone. I can't afford to miss my doctor's appointments. I don't know, maybe that might would help you in some way. just a thought. now, for immediate short term memory, like walking in a room and forgetting what you went in there for? im sorry, I have no suggestions for that other than look on your to-do list and see if that might ring a bell, if you decide to keep a list. I get really angry when i go to turn off the light switch and forget what i was going to do on my way to it. it makes me feel inadequate, it's embarrassing and humiliating, like if I forget i am going to the restroom half way to it in a restaurant, especially when there are people around, not so much strangers as it is with family. strangers don't know the difference most of the time, but family can pick up on it immediately, most of the time anyway. all I can say to you is just try your hardest, never give up hope. I don't know if ive helped or made things worse for you. i hope ive helped in some small way. at least know this, you are not lone with what you are experiencing. feel free to PM me if you like. i would be happy to share more experiencing with you. take care, cricketboots.
  11. CricketBoots

    Miserable

    I too will be happy to hold your hand. im sorry you are having such a rough time. you are in my thoughts. (((((((Brokenme)))))))
  12. CricketBoots

    Distant

    i used to stockpile too Nataya. but we both know it is not good to stop medications, yes? would it be inappropriate for me to ask why you stockpile them? (((((((Nataya)))))))
  13. CricketBoots

    Birthday

    happy birthday Alt. I wish your ex-bf had not have broadcasted abt your life. that was uncalled for. I wish you could learn to move on without him. (((((((Alt)))))))
  14. my last appointment with my private pdoc was this past Friday. I am seeing my VA pdoc. again. my appointment was scheduled with her for this past Monday, but she called in sick. ticked me off. was there at 8:00 AM and she had the nerve to call in sick. arrgghh. mind you, it takes me 1.5 hours to drive there to get to the VA. I guess it was good that she did call in sick though because I was in a very terrible mood. my appointment was rescheduled for today at 1:30. anyway, I was much better today and had a good meeting with her. we actually laughed a bit.......me! laugh! I actually laughed! yeah, me! I have felt so bad for so long I forgot how to laugh! she thinks I have made some progress since I last saw her in early july. so, what does that mean? yes?
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