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Ssoftw

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  1. Ssoftw

    I Just Quit Therapy

    Thanks. I was reading some other posts and I realize that its not my fault that I didn't click with this therapist. Hopefully I will click with someone eventually. Like I said I just feel like I failed somehow.
  2. Yesterday I quit therapy after only going for 3 months/once per week. I didn't want to go anymore, but somehow convinced myself that I didn't need to go. I was feeling good this week and I had managed to resolve some issues on my own instead of just crying about it like I normally would. Anyway, I had never gotten completely comfortable with my therapist, although I was able to open up to him in the last 2 weeks about some things that I had never told anyone about my childhood. I thought I was moving in the right direction and that eventually I would get really comfortable with him. I think what turns me off is he seems soo fake. The way he greets me, his smile, etc. It just seems forced and not genuine, but I don't know if that's just how he is, but its super annoying and it makes me uncomfortable. Another problem I have is that I do 90% of the talking. About 5 weeks in, I told him that I needed more feedback or for him to be more engaged, to ask me questions, etc. instead of just having me ramble on from one topic to the next for 45 minutes while he sits there and stares at me. He responded by saying that he doesn't think I'm rambling, and basically there is a method to how he's doing things. He says its my therapy and its up to me what I make of it....or something along those lines. Also, if during a session he gets a theory, or makes a point, he will just keep repeating that point over and over throughout the session, even if I've already moved on from that topic. Now back to yesterday. I went in feeling good, and this was the first time where I didn't start crying immediately upon entering the room. I told him I wanted to quit but I didn't want to be hasty about it. I really didn't have anything to talk about this session either. Normally if something happened during the week that made me upset, I would bring it up in the session and then go from there, but this week nothing happened so I was stuck. My therapist said something about how he had to go to therapy 3 times a week for 7 years (I guess to get his license or something) and that he always had something to talk about. He said we were just scratching the surface of my psyche. As soon as he said that I realized I don't want my psyche to be scratched. I don't want someone in my head like that. I really just wanted someone to help me deal with the issues I have with my mom, and my self-esteem. I don't know if that can be accomplished without going into my "psyche", but the whole thought scared me (as do most things actually). Anyway, the session pretty much went downhill from there. There are usually some moments of silence during our sessions, but yesterday was really bad. Like I said, I didn't really have anything to talk about, and he's never engaging so we sat in silence with him staring at me for most of it. He always tells me I should just say whatever pops into my head, but I don't because usually I'm thinking about random things like the color paint on the walls or about the noise I heard outside or something mean, like his ugly shoes. Eventually we started talking about my self-esteem and how I view/judge myself based on how my mom viewed/judged me. I told him its hard for me not to think negatively about myself, and asked him how I could change my thinking. He said I should just recognize when its happening, stop it, and just start to thing about positive things. Then he asked me to do this exercise where I would come up with some positive things about myself. I struggled to come up with even 3 things. Then I started crying. I felt like if I'm supposed to simply recognize when I'm judging myself harshly and change my thinking, then what's the point of me going to therapy? His theme with me is that I cry so much because I feel sorry for myself and I feel like a victim (I was abused as a child). He said there are obviously still some issues I have to get through, which can't be accomplished in just a few sessions. Ten minutes later he said it again (repeating his point). I took it as him saying I was stupid to think I should quit so soon. Even though that's not what he said, that's how I took it. Later on, he asked me if he ever made me feel like he was being insensitive and instead of being honest, I said no. That was when I knew I couldn't continue. It was like I had regressed in the span on 30 minutes. To end the session he said feeling like a victim is familar to me, and I'm not ready to give it up and that's the real reason why I want to quit therapy. He said when I'm ready to make a change and get better I should give him a call. I asked "so is that it?" He says yep. Then I got up and left. I left feeling confused. Like what the heck just happened? But I also feel relieved that I don't have to go anymore. Most weeks I felt like therapy was a chore I had to do. I want to get help but I also want to look forward to therapy. Instead all I've ever felt was anxiety with this guy but I'm not sure if I wouldn't feel that way with anybody. I also feel like a bit of a failure. Like I finally took the step to get help after being afraid for years, and I just feel like this is a gigantic step backward. I don't know if I'll have the courage to start up again.
  3. Ok so I didn't say anything to my therapist about the time thing. Today was better. We ended only 5 minutes early....which was fine with me because once again I started crying as soon as I sat down and didn't stop until it was over. Its only been 2 sessions, but when am I supposed to feel "good" about going? After these last two sessions I just feel exhausted and glad that its over...and glad I only go once a week. All day today I was feeling a bit of anxiety about going and I don't want to feel like that. I want to be able to look forward to getting the help that I know I need. I will say that tonight after my session I got the nerve to finally tell my dad that I'm a lesbian. I'm really close to him and his opinion means the world to me. Its been something I've been dreading and building up in my head for years. People that know me have said that I'm worrying for nothing and that my dad seems like the type that wouldn't care about that stuff because he loves me so much (which is exactly what happened). He actualy said he pretty much already knew. I feel like if I don't get anything else out of therapy it was successful because it gave me the extra uumph I needed to tell him. I just feel like a 1000 pound boulder has been lifted from my shoulders.
  4. Yeah, one of my problems that I want to work on is speaking up for myself. I'm terrified of confrontation or anything that could lead to it and so a lot of time I let people take advantage of me. Not saying that this is what my therapist is doing, I'm just speaking in general terms. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt (He did get a phone call earlier in our session...so maybe that had something to do with it) and see if he gipped me again, and then I would bring it up. But you're right. I have to be completely honest with him about how I feel. I'm going to try to work up the nerve to say something.
  5. I started therapy (never had before) last Thursday and will be going every week. Honestly I've felt like I've needed therapy since I was a teen but I guess I just never "got around to it" for lack of a better phrase until recently. My first therapy experience went pretty much as I expected. Before my butt hit the couch I was bawling my eyes out, and I knew that was going to happen. The session pretty much focused on why I cried then (and why I tend to cry over everything else). I like my therapist for the most part. Its only been one session but I feel comfortable enough that I think I'll be able to trust him going forward. He said he would like for me to bring in my dreams if I remember them. I thought that was interesting. One thing that bothered me though was that the session only lasted like 20 minutes (I'm scheduled for 45). When he stopped the session, he said we had some paper work to fill out. I assumed he was going to ask some basic questions (like to gauge if I have depression or something) but it was standard insurance stuff. I'm hoping that doesn't become "a thing". I already think its lame I'm not getting a full hour, but I understand the therapist has to make notes and get ready for the next person so its just easier to end 15 before the hour. But I don't need to be gipped another 15-25 minutes on top of that.
  6. I've thought about going to therapy since I was about 14 years old (I'm 25 now). When I was younger it just wasn't an option. My family had a somewhat negative attitude toward the whole thing (at least that's what I thought) and they wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway. So I always told myself when I got old enough I would just start going myself. But I'm having such a hard time even making contact with a therapist. Something about making phone calls (especially to strangers for whatever reason) absolutely terrifies me. I guess its kind of a cyclical thing, because I need to talk to someone, but my fears are preventing me from doing so. Lately I have been having some mini breakdowns, and before they were few and far between, but now its like almost everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) I'm crying about something....or nothing. I think the constant crying which is being triggered by the smallest things makes me really want to get this going, but I just don't know how. Yesterday I finally got the courage to reach out to someone. I found her online and emailed her. She told me to call today to set up an appointment but I chickened out.
  7. I totally get what you mean sixtimes. I finally got the courage to reach out to a therapist (I have never been to one) via email...and the first thing she asks is what kind of insurance do I have. I know its silly, but I just felt like a number to her already.
  8. Scored an 18 which I suppose is ok for me. I don't put too much credence in any online test though.
  9. I always knew I was different. My very first crush when I was like 10 years old was on a girl. She must have been 14-15. I still like older women by the way. Every time I would play truth or dare and someone dared me to kiss someone, I'd pray they would say one of the girls in our circle. Somehow I knew the feelings I had weren't "normal" and so I suppressed them. Quite well actually. By the time I got into highschool, I was dating guys. I actually really did like one of them. But then everything changed when this other girl came out our junior year. She just seemed so free and no one really batted an eye about it. The girl is kind of a loose cannon so people just thought this was one of her phases. Anyway, her coming out really opened my eyes about my own sexuality. I struggled for the next two years trying to figure out what I was, but I knew I wasn't straight. Early on at one point I identified as bisexual. But then I had someone tell me "being bisexual is just a speed bump on the way to gaydom". It pains me to think that at least in my case that person ended up being right, I wasn't bisexual. At the end of the two years (freshman in college, by that point) I finally accepted myself as a lesbian. I think me finally getting to make-out with a girl and touch them did it. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I can't even imagine getting into a relationship with a man now. Once I finally figured that out, then came...well what kind of lesbian am I. I was NEVER EVER girly. I hated wearing dresses and I STILL don't wear makeup, so that was out of the question. Then I thought, well I must be one of those butch women who wear baggy clothes and what not. So I actually tried that for a little while but I wasn't comfortable. So I went back to being just me....somewhere in between. I'm 25 now, and I've been with 2 guys (high school years) and one girl since college. I'm not really a relationship type of person, for other reasons that have nothing to do with sexuality. But every time I think of the future I want to have (family, kids, etc.) its always a woman that I want to be with.
  10. I think you can find someone attractive without being attracted to them. If a straight girl finds another girl attractive that doesn't mean she's bi/lesbian. However if she's physically/sexually attracted to that girl then I think that's where it gets tricky.
  11. LOL. I had the same experience. But I've found it was only with people who just don't want me to be a lesbian. Mostly I get the "Oh well, we already knew that....its kind of obvious" response.
  12. Thank you all for spending the time to respond. I appreciate the responses and hugs. lol. I'm definitely going to do some browsing. This seems like such a great place to get some advice. This morning I woke up and was actually a little worried that I had "overshared" on my very first post. I really didn't intend to talk about all that stuff but it all just came flooding out. And of course I burst into tears thinking about those things. Anyway, I feel like maybe me taking the time and signing up to a depression forum, is my step to getting some help, any kind of help. @Spotoftea... There have been so many times where I did some research on the psychologists in my area, but I never even got as far as you did. Never set up an appointment. I think I'm going to try again later today.
  13. Hello all. Umm I don't really know what to say. I've never been medically diagnosed with anything but I'm sure if I actually had to guts to see a doctor I probably would. I've taken several of those online tests where it says if you have "3 or more of these symptoms" then you're depressed. Usually I'd have about 7 or 8 of the listed symptoms. What made me decide to look into this finally is that I started crying uncontrollably the other day during a job interview. This has happened before, and I tend to cry over every little thing (commercials, reading the newspaper, etc.). This has been going on ever since I was a kid, but this time it was really bad. I used to think it was hormonal, but something told me that perhaps this crying thing has something to do with my general emotional health. My story: I'm the youngest of 5 but I basically grew up an only child. My siblings (who only share one parent or the other with me) were all out of the house by the time I was born. My parents used to fight a lot when I was young. It would get so bad that I'd hide in my closet just to get away from the screaming. They finally got divorced when I was about 8 or 9 and frankly I was relieved. I thought that would have been the end of the madness.....little did I know. When my dad moved out, my mother ended up taking her anger with him out on me from that point on (she actually admitted this when we got into a huge fight when I was like 17). I think I'm a naturally sensitive person, but that just got exacerbated with my upbringing. There were months when I would cry every day. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. She'd call me lazy, fat, stupid, ugly whatever she could think of at the time to hurt me. She'd always say "you're just like your father". I think that is what p***** her off. That she hated him so much and I still loved him. If it wasn't for my dad, I probably would have committed suicide already. One of my brothers died in a fire when he was 13 (a couple of months before I was born) and I'm not sure my dad completely got over it (not that any parent could really). So I don't want to be the cause of so much pain for him. I've come close once though, but I eventually talked myself out of it. That was about 3 years ago. The physical abuse was terrible. There were so many other instances I could probably write a book. I'm 25 now, and unfortunately things haven't gotten better. I foolishly thought that when I finally left that hell hole my life would be better. I left for college at 18 and never went back, but my demons still followed me. I've never been in a real relationship, and I keep my friends at arms length. I'm sure they would all characterize me as "secretive". I just can't allow myself to get close to people. As emotional as I get over the littlest things, I can also be very cold over the biggest things. Sometimes I have to muster up/fake sympathy for people when they say something terrible has happened to them. I just don't know what to do now. Thanks for reading my longwinded post.
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