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Terowyn

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  1. I've been dealing with a depressive episode going on 2 years now, and although I've noticed improvements in some areas, there are certain symptoms that have never changed. Number one is the cognitive impairment, feeling like my brain is a huge rock, and somewhat like "I can't think", even though I clearly am. It's like my brain is on autopilot, and this autopilot functioning is flawed and only works half as well as my brain used to work. I forget things all the time and I'm mentally slow. Two years of this is really frustrating, and I was wondering if anyone knows what I mean or has conquered it. Number two is the negative thoughts, but they aren't deliberate. Maybe it's related to the "brain fog", but I just feel like such an *****, 24/7. I just finished high school with a 90 average and got accepted to a good university, but it doesn't help me feel any better. I'll re-read texts I wrote and think: "Wow, I'm so stupid", and they'll be absolutely normal texts without errors. These tantalizing thoughts also have a variety of topics, whether it's about me thinking I'm boring, or that I'm doomed to be forever alone, and I just cant stop them. So has anyone who can relate to this ever fixed the problems? Was changing it sudden and is the difference like day and night?
  2. Have you guys had "friends" who say things that have messed up your confidence or made you feel like complete garbage, whether or not what they were saying was true/mattered? I used quotations because the few people I've encountered who do this frequently aren't people I plan to keep around. But for example, there's one person I talk to on a regular basis(over facebook), and if I see a youtube video or picture I find funny, I'll sometimes send it to them. I should have learned by now that this person and I clearly don't share the same sense of humour, but man, the retorts I get. She'll respond by blatantly writing: "Do you seriously think that's funny", "nothing you send me makes me laugh", etc. One day I got angry at something she wrote and it escalated into a petty argument about humour, and how I have a bad sense of humour and that I'm not funny, that her friends don't think I'm funny and yadda yadda. Then I reminded her that I've made her and her friends laugh a million times and she's like "oh, well you sometimes make me laugh in person but the stuff you laugh at on the internet is stupid". Meanwhile, the videos this chick laughs at are incredibly stupid, such as an overweight guy holding peanut butter and jam and screaming "praise da lord", but according to her, that's what people should find funny. Now this sounds really stupid, and it is, but as I'm sure a lot of you know, overthinking the smallest things can make you feel like complete crap about yourself, and that's pretty much what this did. I personally think my friend has a terrible sense of humour, and despite her telling me things like "I'm the funniest person ever, everyone thinks I'm hilarious", I can't recall many times she's made me laugh and I definitely don't think of her as a funny person. Regardless of that, I started thinking I'm boring as hell, that I can't make people laugh, and it's like everytime that I remember making people laugh hysterically was just an illusion or some sort of fluke. So, have you guys ever had a similar experience, as in someone you show respect towards(friend/acquiantance) putting you down on a regular basis? I guess this is just to vent and know that this is somewhat of a suitable reaction to something like this for a clinically depressed person
  3. I've always thought of my self as a talkative/funny person when talking to friends who I'm close to, at least, when I wasn't going through depressive episodes. I thought I could make people laugh and that people liked me, but now I can't help but think that it was some illusion I created in my head when my self-esteem wasn't bruised and being drowned by depression. Now when I talk to friends, I always apologize for being boring, and I don't think of anything funny or entertaining to say, and I swear my closest friends begin to forget about what I thought/hope I was, and label me as this depressing bore. In fact, one of my closest friends stopped talking to me because when I was going through a depressive episode and just didn't talk, or only talked about my insecurities. There are two possibilities, I'm either a really boring person and I somehow convince myself I'm not when I'm not depressed, or being depressed actually alters my personality and inhibits me from being myself or thinking of anything humorous/good to say. I've gone through phases where think I can make people laugh like nothing, and people don't hate being around me, but I somehow I currently feel like that was a boosted ego in my head or something. I don't know, it doesn't feel like I was ever that person. I guess that there is no possible way for anyone here to know the answer to that without knowing me, but I'm just wondering, to what extent can depression change you? Like can it make a funny/entertaining person dull? Can it completely flip your personality around? I get that depression screws around with people, but I find it hard to think that it can completely change your personality, to the point that you're an entirely different person. Assuming I do pull a 180 during depressive episodes, will I always be able to eventually spin myself around again?
  4. I'm a musician, and I used to write a lot of music that was actually pretty good, but ever since my depression got to this point(which has been a while), I haven't been able to write a good song, or think of anything really creative. Everything I write sounds dull, boring, and isn't unique in any way. This has been like this even before starting meds, but now I'm on cipralex and it seems like it's even worse. I also can't write lyrics or anything poetic, no ideas come to my mind. Is this normal in depression, and if so will it eventually pass? I read everywhere to express yourself when you're depressed through writing and art, but I can't even do that. And I swear there's supposed to be a creative side to depression, but I can't see it at all.
  5. 14 months ago I fell into depression, and it's been almost the same ever since(excluding a grace period of about 3 months, but I still wasn't completely myself). Here is the general description of how I feel everyday: My mind feels blank. Completely blank. I know I'm writing this and I have to think to do so, but it feels as if I am not thinking at all. Everything I write or say makes it seem as if I'm a robot, and I'm programmed to write or say it. My internal dialogue in my head is completely gone. I used to be a critical thinker and would have racing thoughts and ideas. Now my head is just empty, all the time. This leads to many other problems. I can't write music anymore, whereas I used to write some pretty good music(everything I write is unoriginal and simple). I can't follow conversations at times, I get lost in explanations and debates that should be relatively easy to understand. I would have been done writing this message 5 minutes ago if I was the way I used to be(slow processing speed and word recall), You know how they say we can only use 10% of our brain at a time? It feels as if I can only use 1% of it at most. Then there's classic typical/atypical depression symptoms. Anhedonia, I can't find joy in anything. I go to sleep between 4-7 AM and wake up between 3-7 PM, which I know isn't good. When I do wake up earlier, I have no motivation to get up, or I feel really tired and sleep for another few hours. Head pressure and tension headaches from time to time. Feel like my body's heavy. Now the scary part is that at the beginning of this, I was going through some really stressful situations, and I was definitely putting myself at risk of a depressive episode, but before I noticed the depression hit full-on, I got drunk, tripped running, fell and hit my head. I didn't get knocked out, and I'm not sure if I even had symptoms or that it was even a concussion. But soon after that was when my depression hit full on(it might've even been before hitting my head, but I didn't notice how bad it got) I kept scaring myself that I may have had permanent brain damage, and still kind of do to this day. And after that grace period I was talking about where for a few months I would go out with friends and do things(but I still had problems thinking straight, not as bad though), I had another incident where I hit my head, and definitely had a concussion, but again, I wasn't knocked out. Soon after this I worried about the brain damage crap and fell straight back into a depressive episode(or so I really hope it is). My doctor insists that it's almost positively depression, and that my brain is still fine. I got an MRI after the first head injury and a CAT scan after the second, both came out fine. But I can't stop scaring myself into thinking that there's damage that wouldn't show up on a scan, and the fact that I know that such damage exists scares the hell out of me. Has anyone felt the way I feel before in their depression? I'm getting scared that I won't be able to do this much longer, and I really need help or support. Thanks.
  6. so has anyone else actually felt like they lost almost all of their mental ability when they're depressed? It's like my thoughts are completely broken.
  7. I've been depressed for a few months now, according to my GP, and I've noticed it's harder for me to read, take in information and learn. I'll watch a movie or TV show, and i'll find it impossible to follow the dialogue/ideas/plot. I also feel as if my brain is empty and my mind is blank. It also feels as if my head is full of concrete. I feel as if I am brain-damaged, and incredibly stupid. I even do things like type and write(this message for example) slower than I normally would The scary thing is that the cognitive and behaviourable symptoms of brain damage(according to webmd) are exactly the same as what I'm feeling: Difficulty processing informationDifficulty in expressing thoughtsDifficulty understanding othersShortened attention spanInability to understand abstract conceptsImpaired decision-making abilityPlus the behavioural symptoms like being sluggish. Anyone else had their depression do this? I feel as if my IQ has dropped to 0...
  8. I was on Prozac for about 3 months, but my main concern with antidepressants is that I've heard they're responsible for a loss of creativity... I've been thinking of going back on them, but I'm a musician and that's not something I'm willing to lose no matter what the consequences are. Though my mind/creativity is in a dump when I'm like this anyway :\
  9. Sorry to double post, but another way to describe my "brain fog" is: A) My mind's on autopilot, and it's as if my inner voice or internal dialogue has disappeared, or at least I can't consciously hear it... I don't really control my thoughts, they only control me. Anything that comes out of my mouth comes straight out of my mouth, like I don't really think about it first, and my brain literally feels empty all the time. I don't actually ever have a train of thought anymore. B) My memory is just awful. I can barely remember things I did last week or TV shows/movies or anything. It's like I watch a movie or show just to forget 95% of it. C) Whenever I talk to people I jumble words or have trouble recalling words I know, which never used to be a problem for me...
  10. I'm at a dead end with this major depressive disorder s***. I've felt like this for a year, maybe longer, but I feel like I'm a 19 year-old with an early onset of Alzheimer's. Everyday I'm in this constant brain fog, and I feel as if I can't learn anything or even record a memory. My long term memory which used to be SO clear to me is now a blur, and I can't remember events as well as I should be able to. For a few months starting from enrolling in summer school and working on completing my overdue high school diploma, I felt a lot better, but it wasn't as if my cognitive dysfunction lifted completely, but more that I found a way to deal with it. But then the full-blown depression came back and now I'm back to spending all my time at home, watching TV and thinking about how much my brain has declined since I was younger. I've become a huge hypochondriac through this, which I never was before. I can't help but think I'm brain damaged in some way, and what makes matters worse is that this all started after the two most stressful weeks of my life, but on the last day before I stayed home for good, I pretty much was running drunk and fell straight on my head. I wasn't knocked out, and I've had an MRI with normal results, but it's just scaring me that this all started around that time. I talked to a co-worker/friend who I met recently who has a history of depression, and he says what I'm experiencing sounds an awful lot like depersonalization, but I don't know if I can say all my symptoms point in that direction(I do feel disconnected from reality and my emotions, but that's more of the anhedonia from what I understand). I've also had a long break from brain-stimulating activities, so I'm hoping maybe if I get back to school and exercise my brain, it may benefit, and I'm also planning on exercising(which I was doing from September to November, but only weight-lifting, which doesn't seem to be even close to as effective as aerobic exercises/cardio for depression). But I just need to know that this cognitive impairment is actually a symptom of my MDD that I can fix with time, and not the result of something else... So if anyone has any similar experience with this in their depression, I'd be happy to hear your experience and any advice you have to give. Thanks a lot :)
  11. Hey, it's been a while since I posted here, and last time was about an episode of Clinical Depression with atypical features. For a few months, I exercised, worked, and got back into the habit of going out with friends after about 6 months of hibernating and watching TV all day. I've recently fell back into the hole, and everything feels the way it was, and though I still go out with my friends, I'm starting to think it's more detrimental to the way I am right now than just sitting at home and watching TV. When I'm not like this, I'm usually an outgoing guy. People have told me I'm a funny guy, especially drunk, but when I'm like this I don't seem to know how to make people laugh. No funny ideas come to my head, and I look at all my friends being the life of everything, and I can't do anything but compare myself to them in the current state and think I'm a boring, worthless person who has never had a sense of humour. Even when I drink, I have the same problem. I just observe the funny things they do and think "Wow... I'd never be able to come up with something like that". Does anyone else go through this with SA or Atypical Depression?
  12. Hey I'm new here, and I've been dealing with depression for the past 2 and a half months. I haven't really talked to anybody other than my parents in the longest time, except for a few occurances where an old friend checked up on me to see how I was doing. So I've pretty much been cooped up in my house watching television day in and day out, and it's come to the point where I feel like I'm braindamaged in some way or another. My cognitive ability has been almost completely diminished and it feels as if my mind is blank, and any thoughts I do have are almost muted(hard to explain, like they are the opposite of "loud" and clear) or I just don't think and my head feels hollow. I know this is the most depressed I've ever been, because I have never given a thought to suicide and have always been an optimist, but this seems to have turned me into a completely different person. I can't comprehend ideas, I can't process any information(or it takes a hell of a lot longer than before), and I have the hardest time remembering almost anything, short term or long term. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gotten depressed to the point that it feels as if they are mentally inhabilitated, and if the problem will dissipate when the depression lifts? I've also started taking cipralex and am on day 5. Another point I should add is that on new years eve, right before my "stay-at-home" phase started, I got pretty drunk and ended up falling and hitting my head. I didn't feel any symptoms of a concussion at the time, or at least didn't notice(but I was wasted)... But about a week or two following the incident is when the mental problems/what feels like it could be brain fog began. And being the hypochondriac I am, I assumed I had post concussion syndrome, but now I'm starting to think it's depression and focusing primarily on alleviating it may fix my problems(Or so I hope) And one last thing, is depression a downward slope? As in can you be depressed and mostly feel like yourself, and constant stress being thrown at you and thinking only negative thoughts will progressively disable your ability to think to the point that you feel as if you're incapable of thinking or that you've grown "stupid"? This is a really dumb question i'm sure and I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but I'm only asking because before that new years incident there was a lot of drama going on in my life, particularly a problem with a girl and someone I thought was my friend that had me feeling depressed for a few weeks. But during that time I could still think straight and didn't have any cognitive issues, and at the same time I talked to quite a few other people and was out all day still. Then after that I decided to shut out the outside world and not really talk to anyone. Could it be that the transition just added so much stress that my brain has somehow "shutdown" or in some way?
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