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  1. I think there is a bit of a generational difference that comes into play when we deal with our parents in regards to depression and anxiety. A lot of our parents grew up with the idea that when you feel bad, you pull up your bootstraps (not sure what that even means), get the bad thoughts out of your mind and move forward. As if it were that easy. If we could just DO that, just get rid of negative thoughts and feelings, just STOP being sad and anxious, we WOULD! Duh! That's how I feel when I talk to people with that mindset--it's very frustrating. I live in the South and am a child of a baby-boomer and I have run into a LOT of people who believe that--that I'm choosing to be sad, that I have control of it all and that I just need to get my **** together. Fortunately I do have some close friends and family who understand that this is a medical issue, a chemical imbalance, a physiological problem that requires medical attention along with counseling, support, patience, etc. I know this is not very helpful and I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, but just want you to know that I know how you're feeling and how frustrating it can be. I hope you can sit down with your mom when you are calm and have a sincere discussion with her about how you're feeling and what you want to do about it. Also, if you're over 18, just go to the doc yourself and do what you need to do, you don't even have to tell your mom. You have to take care of yourself.
  2. Yes it is definitely small things for me too. A certain song comes on and I have to immediately turn it off or I will totally break down. Sometimes even when the people close to me offer support and sympathy (like today, I told a co-worker about the major depressive episode I've been having and she was so sympathetic and sweet and supportive, "if there is ANYTHING I can do please call me, night or day") it will cause me to start weeping. It's so weird. They are trying to help and be supportive and that sets of another crying spell. But. It's also the small things that bring me up. Last night I was feeling good enough that I emptied the dishwasher and vacuumed the floors (small things I know, but lately it's been beyond me to even do the smallest tasks) and I felt so good about it. My boyfriend came home and I said "look at me! Look what I did!" It sounds stupid but he was proud of me too. And taking a walk in the sunshine, even when I really, really don't want to, makes me feel better too, if only because I DID it, I did SOMETHING positive. It is the small things and the small steps, one day at a time or even one hour at a time.
  3. Please do. I tried St John's wort, SAM-e, light therapy, counseling, all in hopes that I could avoid the dreaded MEDS. But once I finally broke down and tried them (granted, it took a few tries to find one that worked well for me), I wished so badly that I had done it sooner. If the first one you try doesn't help, or gives you side effects you can't deal with, try another. There are a lot of options out there, and you will find one that works for you, I promise. Good luck to you, I hope you feel better very soon.
  4. Just want to reach out to others like myself who are struggling with depression that doesn't have a trigger or a "reason." I've been depressed before--sometimes for a reason, sometimes not--but am currently battling the worst depressive episode I've ever had. I've been on Citalopram for years and that seemed to work fine until the past couple of months when my brain seems to have turned on itself. I've tried Zyprexa and Abilify (both made me gain tons of weight in a very short time), Depakote and now am titrating up to 200mg of Lamictal. My pdoc is certain the Lamictal will be very helpful but it has to be increased very slowly so even after 3 weeks, I'm still 2 more weeks away from the "theraputic dose." In the meantime, I'm missing work, unable to stop crying, and feeling completely hopeless. The thing is, I don't have any reason to be depressed. I have a nice home, a good job, a wonderful, amazing, incredibly supportive and loving boyfriend, I have three dogs who I absolutely adore, and my life, in general, is pretty dang close to exactly what I've always wanted it to be. Thus, I know it is a biological/physiological/chemical problem that's causing the depression, but having so much to be happy for and being more miserable than I've ever been just sucks. Makes me feel like an a**hole, really. Looking around and seeing so many other people with so many problems, people who have real things to be miserable about... and then there's me, with a great life, and a huge pile of used Kleenex beside me. Grrr. So frustrating. Today things started to seem a little better, Not so much crying. I talked to some friends, and my mom, all whom I have been isolating myself from. While most people don't understand the fact that it's a chemical imbalance that's causing this, it's important, I think, to at least let people know that you're struggling. My therapist insisted that I do that, even though it was very hard for me to pick up the phone. But today was a beautiful sunny day, I took my favorite dog on a long walk at the park, and the weight in my chest seems a little lighter than yesterday. So still hopeful, still waiting and trying to believe IT WILL GET BETTER.
  5. I also have treatment-resistant depression and it is a constant struggle. Right now I am battling the worst depressive episode I've had in my life, I think, and my pdoc started me on Lamictal along with Citalopram which I've been on for years. The Lamictal is *supposed* to help once I get to a "theraputic dose" (have to increase slowly with this med due to the small chance you can get a life-threatening rash). No rash and on week 4 right now, will probably be at my "theraputic dose" in another two weeks but in the meantime, what do you do? I can't even think about the possibility of the "theraputic dose" not working as I have tried nearly everything else there is. This week has been unbearable, I'm missing work for the first time, unable to stop crying, and I, like you, don't have trauma or even anything that's bothering me other than this ****** chemical imbalance that won't allow me to feel good. I am sure quitting school makes you feel even worse, but try to remember that you CAN go back. Once you are well (and you WILL get well), you can start again and you CAN achieve your dreams. Patience is one of the most difficult parts of this battle, for me at least--waiting, waiting, waiting to feel better. But you will, and you'll be stronger for it, and once you've achieved your goals it will mean even more to you because of all you overcame to be successful. In the meantime, you just have to focus on getting and staying well. Take care of yourself. It WILL get better.
  6. Thank you. I am on Citalopram as well, pdoc had me decrease from 30mg to 20mg but today told me to go back up to 30 for now. Tapering up on the Lamictal, going from 75 to 100mg starting today, then increasing by 50mg per week up to 200mg. Having headaches, stomach pain and worst of all, really upsetting dreams w/the Lamictal. Hoping that will subside once I get to a "theraputic dose" because the dreams are making things so much worse. Did you have any of this? Pdoc says the dreams are unrelated to the meds but I call bs on that, I have always been an active dreamer but have never had dreams like this before. They are very disturbing and I wake up feeling just heartbroken. I am very lucky to have a wonderfully loving and supporting boyfriend who really helps me but I hate relying on him to help bring me back up at the end of the day-- but I am very lucky. In fact my life is very blessed in general--I have a pretty good house, a pretty good job, a phenomenal boyfriend, three amazing dogs whom I love like crazy, I am healthy (physically). Despite all the good things (which I am conciously grateful for every day), my brain chemistry is simply messed up and I am very very sad, which makes me feel even worse because I have so much to be happy for. But. I know it will get better. It will get better. This is like a mantra I keep repeating to myself. It will get better. I'm just getting a little worn out in the meantime.
  7. Hello. I am 28, female, in the US, in a very happy stable relationship and struggling with the worst bout of depression I've ever had. Been dealing with mood disorders since about age 13 but have been pretty ok for most of my 20's. Just been diagnosed with bipolar II and started Lamictal which has taken care of the hypomania but left me with nothing but overwhelming sadness, guilt, etc. Crying a lot. Trying to keep it together and continue working. Trying to remind myself that it will get better. But right now I'm in that waiting period where it is just incredibly painful and sad. Am in counseling, seeing a psychiatrist and trying really really hard but struggling very much. Hoping to find some support here.
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