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SoulfulGuy

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  1. I'm serious. The only times in my life I look forward to anymore are my early morning runs, especially on weekends when I can take my time. I actually look forward to it so much I obsess about doing it. I go to the local park and run for 30-45 minutes (I'd run even longer but I have to watch my lower back where I have some scar tissue from surgery about 8 years ago). During that time I feel no pressure and I escape. I run by a river and let nature take me over. Trouble is, I can't maintain that feeling. Within an hour of returning home, sadness and loneliness and my empty house start to overtake me again and I start to feel like a failure again. If only I could maintain that elation I feel on those running trails. Guess those endorphins are only temporary and not a solution. Is that all that's left for me in life? Periodic 45 minute shots of temporary happiness? Pathetic, isn't it? I work as a graphic artist professionally, but I'm trying to write and draw a graphic novel on the side. I can't even get my creative juices flowing anymore because depression has locked them up. It's so freaking frustrating. I'm a good person. How did it come to this?
  2. I have the exact same fear. I outlined my story in my first post in the newbie forum......you'll see my story. I'm 46, a good guy, I'm in shape with hair (LOL) and have a great job, I'm spiritual, etc. But for some odd reason, that area of life remains a mystery to me.....I have no wife, no kids, very few family members left. It's scary. How did this happen? It sneaks up on you. Seems like yesterday I was a kid and had my whole life in front me. I watched my father, who was my best friend, die of cancer last year, and I thought how lucky he was to have my mom and other family members around him as he passed. To have a woman who loves at your side at that moment is important, I believe. It suddenly struck me that, if I were die right now, I would die alone. Now I have this unbelievable fear of dying alone one day. I'm not sure how to deal with that except to try to live one day at a time.
  3. Yep....I was married to someone whom I'm sure was bipolar. It was the same....she'd want it a lot and then not at all. But it just wasn't in the area of sex.....just even in simple companionship. In the end, she didn't know what she wanted and walked out after 10 years. It shattered me and took be about 2 years to get over it. To HeartALot....I sympathize. Hard for me to understand a guy like that. He's lucky to have someone in his life that cares. My troubles come from the opposite....dealing with absolute isolation and loneliness, as outlined in my initial post. I always have had some depression, but it was never the kind that made me turn away from my spouse when I was married. I don't think it's your fault at all and don't think any of the things you listed are a factor.....as hard as that may be to see. I understand because I went through the same thing....I started working out even harder ....started going the extra mile to do things for her......listened and was patient. Anything to impress her or make her love me. But I guess you learn it's all about them and their issues. I hope things will work out......You may be like me and feel things so deeply that when someone is like this, it really hurts you to the core.
  4. Yep. I relate completely. Nice day here too....the only time I'm happy is when I go running early in the morning. I often wake up at 4 a.m. so I just get up and go to a park and run. For that half hour to 45 minutes, I'm actually at peace. Then the run ends and depression gradually overtakes everything. I really do ask "is life worth living"? It's a serious question. I'm not suicidal....I'm not. But I really do wonder what the point of anything is. Losing my father hasn't helped...God, we were so close and we could talk.......I mean he's gone and I saw him pass with people around him. Now all of the sudden I have this fear of dying alone in some room somewhere.....it's an irrational fear, I know.....but sometimes.....
  5. Thanks Leila. I do agree with this up to a point. I think you're right.....100 percent of your happiness can't come from one person....some definitely must come from within, and I actually think, all things considered, I've done pretty well handling some of this mentally for quite awhile. However, you reach a point where you're just plain tired. Tired of fighting to keep your head up....tired of the struggle. It's almost as if I feel like I'm holding on by a thread.....and am waiting on it to break. Almost as if I'm wondering, "how much longer can I hang on?" But SOME of that happiness I do indeed believe can come from someone else. Not all of it....but it's a huge advantage if you're lucky to have it. It's unnatural to be so alone. It may be tougher for guys. Guys just don't hang out....especially if they live in a community where they know no one and aren't from there. My best male friend lives on the other side of the country in Washington state. Not saying it's impossible or shunning your suggestions at all.....but am only saying it's challenging. Plus, my current relationship is odd in that we've sort of committed to each other and yet there's no sign that we can physically be together on a permanent basis anytime soon. It's just tough.....and again, I have this habit of knocking myself. I'll think, "only I could've gotten into such a relationship because it's obviously not meant to ever happen for me." Another statistic I've read is that guys who live alone tend to get depressed easier than women. I can believe that.....You grow up anticipating that one day you'll be like your father....married...a family.....home, etc. That's what being a man, when you're growing up, is thought to be about. So maybe it's the mentality.......not sure. But I go from there and pretty soon I'm looking at every aspect of my life as a colossal failure and wondering what it is I've contributed to this world aside from carbon monoxide? What have I accomplished? What's my purpose?
  6. Hello everyone. I see some familiar thoughts and feelings around here.....so that makes me feel like I'm not burdening people too much with my problems. I sympathize with you all and hope we can always help each other. My story..... I'm 46 years old ......I work as a graphic artist/illustrator/writer for a major corporation here in Atlanta, GA, so it's a pretty good job for sure....so professionally, I'm doing pretty well. I'm actually fortunate in that regard. So that's not it. My depression, without a doubt, is rooted in my relationships or lack thereof. I'm perplexed as to why this is....but can try to theorize and perhaps reach some conclusions while doing so. I'm extremely lonely. All I've ever wanted is one woman in my life....just one....who would love me and accept me as I am. For a man, to be without this, is a sign of utter failure. I can't shake the feeling that I am an utter and miserable failure when I come home to an empty, quiet home night after night after night. I honestly don't get it. I just don't. I believe I'm a good person. I'm honest, have never done drugs, have never cheated on anyone. I'm 100% healthy and have no physical ailments, diseases or handicaps. I think at my age I'm looking pretty good, despite the anxiety and stress I suffer (most people would never guess I feel those things).....I've always been a health nut and am in good shape physically, have all my hair, etc. I'm a spiritual person and believe in God....... Yet, for whatever reason, that area of my life (women and relationships) has just never worked out. I have no kids. I have a mother and sister who live 4 hours away in another state.....but the numbers of people in my life are dwindling quickly. I see others who have someone out and about I have to say I feel anger and resentment. I feel they are rubbing in my face, even though they aren't. About 4 years ago I faced the fact, for the first time in my life, that I have depression. I realized I had always had a depressed nature. I had always chalked it up to being a "deep thinker" or "artistic".......but there's more to it than that. After I hit about 16 years old, it changed for me. That's about the time I started working during summers.....right before I went to a 4 year college and got my degree in journalism. But from 16 onward, life has not been fun. There have been some good moments, but overall I've been consistently unhappy. The symptoms are all there......my physician gave me the test and agreed. He says anxiety is my biggest problem. The last 7 years have sent me into a tailspin. The first big disaster was my divorce, when a woman I loved for 10 years suddenly decided she didn't love me any longer and, without explanation, walked out. This happened five years ago. It took me about two years to get over that. I did.....and would never take her back in a million years. But mentally, I've just felt sad, insecure, depressed and anxious constantly. She suffered bipolar characteristics and was even more depressed than I ever was. Maybe we both contributed to the problem. But I was still in love. She was not.....she said she was attracted to me physically but just didn't love me. So she left to "find herself." She's long gone and I have no idea where she is and don't care anymore. But what I do care about is my mental health and finding MYSELF again. I've made progress, but still battle loneliness and anxiety. This past June I faced an even bigger crisis, when I lost my father, who died of lung and liver cancer at 69. I loved him so much. My dad and I were super-close. He was my best friend and it was a gigantic blow. I still miss him. I have so few people in my life now. Two of my three best friends have passed away in the last decade. I'm currently in a relationship, of sorts, with a wonderful Canadian woman who lives in Ontario. When we're together it's great. The problem? She has a great job and so do I. She's unwilling to move or leave. She cares for me and I think loves me on some level. She says I would be a "great catch" for anyone. Her career and finances would allow her to move easier than I could....but I don't blame her. Her career is a good one and I can't ask her to forsake that if she doesn't want to. I cry occasionally over this. Over the years, it just seems it's always something. In this case, I finally meet a great woman — and she lives thousands of miles away in another country. Just my luck. Typical. It reinforces the idea that I'm a loser and snake-bit. We talk on the phone every day and we've been at this for almost 2 years. She can't imagine life without me and vice-versa, but where are we going? God, this really gets me down. I mean, like I'm in a whirlpool of cataclysmic failure and can't get out. I mean like life is punishing me in some way. I've lost three pets in the last few years. I'm kind of an old fashioned, sentimental guy.....and I get attached to dogs and cats. In fact, my cat died the very same day my ex walked out. Losing that cat and the two dogs was killer. I've lived a very lonely life. A lot of it is me.......I think I'm an attractive person, but personality-wise I'm extremely laid back, reserved and non-aggressive. It's just my nature. People expect guys to be aggressive, but that's just not who I am. I didn't get married until I was 31 years old. Before my marriage, I had lived alone for years. Had a couple of relationships that didn't last. But the majority of my weekends were spent alone. I've reverted back to that. I go from Friday after noon to Monday morning without speaking to a soul....except maybe by phone. I've tried churches and other activities, but when you live alone and have no long term friends, family, etc. it is extremely difficult. Few people around here live as I do or relate to any of this. I hear this a lot from married folks: "Well, sometimes you can feel alone even when you're with somebody." Uh....no. You've no idea. Being LITERALLY alone is another ball game. It's a level of true loneliness you do not want. I've lived with it most of my life. I have no idea what my purpose is. But I'm better than this. I deserve better. It's just unfair and wrong that people I see on Fridays are happy to go home to a spouse and maybe kids....while I go home to......nothing. Is there a purpose in all this? Is my life this meaningless? Solutions I've tried and other problems: Was diagnosed with anxiety 3 years ago and the doctor gave me antidepressents. I hated the side-effects, though....and after trying a 2-3 brands, quit them. I'm too active physically and I don't want medicine interfering with me physically in any way. I hated side-effects (though given my usual daily lifestyle, I'm not sure why I care.....guess it's a manhood thing, or something) I've been to see two different therapists in the last 5 years, but found it helpful only up to a point. After a few months, I found it repetitive and useless. Physically I'm fine....but I suffer from insomnia and occasional migraines and panic attacks. All anxiety related without a doubt. So here I am. I've probably left out some stuff while rambling too much.....but I'm sort of spilling my guts here. I hope someone can make sense of all this and give me reason to believe life is worth it. Let me say, I've never really been suicidal......though I do have a "what's the use" attitude at times towards life. Somehow, I plug on and keep on keeping on.....but I'm not sure why I do that. Thanks to you all for listening.
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