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Bsummers

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  1. Do I want a time machine? Oh my yes. There are so many points of history I want to check out. It's amazing how much we as a species forget in a mere hundred years. Imagine how much we've forgotten in the last 5000 years! I think what you're really asking, though, is if I want to go back in time and edit my life into perfection. The ultimate answer is no. I've made lots of mistakes just like anyone else. But the consequences of those mistakes changed me into the person I am. Slowly I've become proud of the person I am because I just keep fighting no matter what ridiculous challenge life randomly throws at me. Some of them make me fall down laughing at how unfair and out-of-the-blue they are and I don't think a time machine could change that. Last year I got control of my cluster headaches after 15 years and basically eliminated them. Then in September my abdomen herniated, suddenly, massively, and I urgently had to have surgery. I asked the surgeon if he could tell me why that happened and he could not. For the past 7 months I've been joking that Fate thought I was getting on a little too easy after I beat my cluster headaches and threw a hernia at me just to keep me suffering. Do not diss the blankey! In all seriousness, if you have one its likely because you needed it to cope with your childhood and so your mind adapted by attaching to the blankey in an attempt to salvage itself. Instead of thinking of it as a child's thing, think of it as a battle scar because that's really what it is. You don't. It makes you who you are. You make room for it instead of trying to pretend like it never happened. If you don't like who you are then use the power of regret to effect change. Regret exists to effect change and growth in a human being. It has to be persistent for that to happen. And not to bust your fantasy all up, but even if you did get ahold of a time machine you couldn't actually ever change your life. You could only split off parallel versions of you without your same regrets and I would argue they would probably be lesser people for your effort. Yes! (glad someone knew who I was referring too haha) I could be home in time for tea! You are incredibly brave and strong to go through what you have done and you've come out the other side fighting! I do hope that you don't have any more serious health scares, can't believe you had to go through that after finally beating your headaches! I don't know, I didn't really have a blankey when I was a kid. I just feel comfortable in my duvet you know? I really don't want to wake up in the mornings most days, but I do remember when I'd come home crying as a kid, that I'd lock myself in my room, and get in my bed. So maybe I do use it as a security blanket, but I'm certainly no Linus Van Pelt! You're right, logic tells me you're right. It's hard not to dwell on the past you know? Gosh I feel like a failure, but I'm so afraid to do anything. I have no confidence, and I've been stuck in the house for so long because I don't want to eff up another thing in my life and have something else I wish I could erase. d*** parallel universes! Heh, I'd be okay if I made another version of myself have a better life though. Save another Bsummers from going through some of the same things I have! Do not diss the blankey! In all seriousness, if you have one its likely because you needed it to cope with your childhood and so your mind adapted by attaching to the blankey in an attempt to salvage itself. Instead of thinking of it as a child's thing, think of it as a battle scar because that's really what it is. that was a brilliant response! Loved it! (and thank you, I have a sort-of blankey too. to answer the original question, yes, I would love to have a time machine, but I wouldn't want to go back in time at all. About the worst thing you could tell me is I have to be 11 again!! I'd love to skip over part of this extreme illness though. I'd love to be 11 again, as long as it was me and not my 11 year old self. I feel like even after everything I've been through, I know how it all went down you know? so I'd know not to make the same mistakes again, to stand up for myself and to tell someone how I was feeling instead of being scared and waiting over a decade and yes, I'd love if the extreme parts never happened!
  2. Glad it's not just me. *Sigh* I'd have a loooong conversation with my younger self. Oh I'd love to do that too, I'd love to visit ancient Egypt and visit certain areas of the world during the Neolithic area (see Stonehenge being built!) and find out who Jack the ripper was! I'd love to meet JC too. I'd erase a lot of people! You're right though, we've just got to look to the future, it's hard not to dwell on the past though. Seems like even with your depression, you've had a great and fulfilling life. If I was you I wouldn't want to change a lot, just with my depression it was a result of my experiences in life (started from when I was a little kid) and I was such a unhappy child and I hate that I had to feel like that, if I could change my past I could.
  3. edit: or could grammar? I didn't check my title before posting, d'oh! So, do you ever wish you had a time machine? I do. All the time, in fact when I was calling a crisis help line a couple of weeks ago, it was the many things I said to the lady on the other end (she replied with "well, you don't have one do you?" gee thanks!). I'm sure every one of us has regrets, gosh I have so many. Unfortunately time moves forward and not the other way around. If I had a time machine I would go back 5 years and relive my life, hell I'd go back 10 years and tell myself not to worry and get help. There is so much I would change, I had a dream a while back where I went back in time and resolved all my issues. I never dropped out of high school, I went to the doctor when my symptoms first appeared and I remember feeling so relieved at the end of the dream, feeling at peace, I was so happy and then I woke up, and I cried (yes actual tears!) because I realised it was all a dream. It's quite sad that the last time I felt so genuinely happy was in a dream. I upped my dosage of Remeron recently and I know ADs take a while to kick in but I wish it didn't take so long. I have no motivation, I procrastinate and then feel even worse because of said procrastination. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning (I had my lunch in bed today. I'm a fully grown woman with a blankey!) or shower or do anything. At least when I had a job (as tedious as it was) I had a purpose you know? I had to wake up, get ready and do my 9-5. I've been living like this for a year and a half now, doing the whole housebound thing. The thought of going to school scares me because I'm afraid I'll drop out and have hang ups about my age (I know there are 50 year olds in college, but they don't all have depression/anxiety issues and low self esteem) and I just want to get out of this town. I wish I could get away and start fresh you know? Maybe I could one day. Sorry about all my feelings, but I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life (and the few people I do - I don't want to burden them with my problems, talking to depressed people is depressing guys!) and needed to let it out. So do any of you wish you had a time machine, like I do? How do you get rid of regret? I'd admire so many of you, you're so inspiring and give people like me hope. I feel like I could live like this for a few years, and that scares me. If you're there doc brown (or the doctor) give a geek a break! If anyone wants to friend me, feel free. Like I said, I don't know many people in real life, so it would be great to get some friends who know what I'm going through/can understand.
  4. You're absolutely right, I mean not everyone is going to like you and you can't control other peoples emotions, But it's really hard to control my emotions, I feel incredibly stupid and I know the way I react isn't logical, but I can't seem to help it :/ I have such low self esteem and a need to please people that If I was in your shoes w/ your friend, I don't know if I would have been as brave enough as you! I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
  5. taysmom1016 - Mirtazipine seems to be really helping with my occasional insomnia, I tend to feel horrible when I wake up though. A lot of the times I'm still tired (it took me about an hour to get out of bed this morning), but my mood seems to be really low, the first time I took it after the first couple of days my mood seemed to get better. I cooked and exercised which I hadn't done in weeks and then I'm back to this again. But like starr said it takes several weeks for them to work, so maybe they had a placebo effect? (heh works for me). I'm only at 15mg, so I guess I'll have to wait and see if they work? I don't know how I'll know though, it's not like my depression will magically disappear (I wish), but I hope they'll make me feel better. It's funny growing up I never associated it with depression, until I read about depression and realised that I had it and that it explained my anger problem and mood swings. I think I might be a bit bipolar, I don't know what kind of depression I have (my diagnosis was basically me asking if I had depression and my GP answering yes), but I seem to fit the descriptor pretty well. I'm so glad I told my GP though, I was so afraid of telling him, but I'm glad I got it off my chest. I'm just hope the ADs work. stleesharon - That's what I try to do. I feel a bit silly, being a grown woman and going to my room. But it saves others from dealing with my episodes. It always has an impact on the family though, they might not hear or see you, but they'll know you're upset and it's hard to explain yourself when you can't control your emotions and they'll never understand how simple things like gaining a pound, or ruining nut bread or breaking a plate ruins my day, because I don't really either. NotYet - Oh me too, If I think I've upset someone (I was the type of person who asked everyone if I had upset them growing up) or they think less of me somehow, that will upset me. I feel like I felt my life was pretty crap and I was feeling incredibly low, and the baking incident just set me off today, I felt like I couldn't do anything right and then I saw that I had upset my mother and that just made it worse. So then I get upset over being upset! Man, it's a never-ending cycle.
  6. I've had those feelings all my life it seems.Everyone who meets to describes me as "sensitive" and I get treated like a younger sister by people even younger than me because I get so easily upset and yeah it's horrible. God, the too tired to care days are horrible, I know I'm feeling really low if I too tired to even cry. I hope I feel better too, my rant did help a bit, it feels good to let it (however stupid it might be) out. Starr - I have, I told him I get upset easily and my anger problems that result from that. I've went to see him twice (my next appointment is next week I think) and was only given Remeron the last time I was there. I feel like I've felt worse with Remeron? I don't know maybe it's the side effects (I was a zombie the day after my first dose and I was so cranky) or I was just expecting too much? I hope they kick in soon though. I still live at home with my parents and my mother has to suffer with my mood swings as well as me and I feel like I have to apologise to her everyday, I can't keep living like this *sigh*.
  7. I do, I feel exactly like that. You know what depresses me even further? Seeing people younger than me accomplish things. Me? I'm a high school dropout (heh I was at a point where I was so depressed and suicidal that it was either that or I was going to **** myself, I didn't even care about my school work any more - heh not the best decision, my depression didn't go away) and that was years ago and seeing people younger than me accomplish great things upsets me. On a lot of websites I go to a lot of people are much younger than me and going to uni/college or have great lives and so I'll check their profiles for their date of births (what is wrong with me? God) and when I'm feeling really low, I'll look for old classmates from school. I was on facebook yesterday and saw that a couple of them were married, and some of them had kids. Meanwhile I'm living at home with my parents and will be in my mid 20s soon enough. A lot of them were my bullies and now have great lives and lots of friends, and I don't have a single friend in real life and don't really have a life at all. So yes, I get mad, angry, sad and it eats me up inside. I don't know why I do this to myself.
  8. I feel like I have the emotions of a 3 year old. You know the kind of kid that throws a tantrum in a supermarket? That's me +20 years. I can't do anything without getting upset, I just don't want to wake up in the mornings if I'm honest with you, I don't want to do anything with my life because I don't care and I'll probably fail at it anyway. I've been on Mirtazapine/Remeron for 2 weeks now, and they don't seem to be doing anything for me. I've been trying to lose weight and I haven't been able to shift it the past two weeks (instead, I've gained a couple of pounds) which just upsets me even further. I was making nut bread today, and it was undercooked, my reaction? Throw a tantrum. I got angry, started crying, and now I'm here because I don't know what to do. I hate myself, and how I react to things, people my age have families and children, yet I still react to things like a child myself (I would be terrible as a mother). Getting upset easily like freaking out over cakes (lol first world problems) isn't a symptom of depression is it? So maybe I'm just crazy. I honestly don't know how to keep living like this. I imagine even if I feel better, something else will upset me soon and I'll be back to square one again. I'll be fine one minute and the next I'm wanting to I hate myself.
  9. Thanks Sanda I'm doing my best to stick it out, but it's so hard you know? Thank you so much, I'll check my pm now. *Hugs*
  10. Thank you Trace, I will check them out. Until I can get help I guess. :)
  11. I don't know what to do guys, should I call a hell/crisis line? I did some things yesterday (I don't want to say what because of triggers etc) and I'm feeling worse today. I don't know what to do, I have no one.
  12. Exactly, I already knew I had issues! This was a long time coming so I felt very disappointed. Of course I didn't expect a miracle and to be normal again in one day, but I I did feel like he didn't care or maybe I wasn't clear enough? After hearing me talk he actually asked me what I wanted him to do, which I didn't expect and I just said I wanted him to help me anyway he could. I had to bring up anti-depressants myself, and I was hesitant to do so and he said they would help me feel better but wouldn't help me deal with my issues/feelings. Which I'm fine with if it's for the best, but he didn't diagnose me. He didn't tell me what was wrong with me at all. I asked him if the counsellors could diagnose me and he said no. My next appointment with him is probably going to be before my first counselling session, so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to tell him/what he expects of me. Luckily I'm good at ignoring my problems and the Samaritans call helped. Although I felt like God was telling me to just give up. When I called to make an appointment with the GP I was told the next appointment was for 2 weeks time because they had none left (plenty of time to cancel if I had gone for it) and practically begged for another appointment because I knew I'd end up changing my mind and managed to get one the following Tuesday, then at the appointment I was told I'd have to wait weeks, perhaps months to get my first counselling appointment. I felt hopeless, I'm glad I found this forum because I have no one to talk to and I'd have gone mad just thinking about it. Thank you so much for your words Sanda, you have no clue how much your reply and the other posts mean to me, it's good to know someone cares.
  13. Thank you! I hope so too. I felt so nervous about making this thread, because I felt like I was being stupid and It was so hard getting here you know? I just don't know what I was expecting and I felt so depressed after my appointment and then I felt stupid a couple of days after because I'm not the trained professional here. But I felt so let down, I told him I was suicidal and had basically ruined my life because of whatever this is and he game me a number (and told me it would take weeks to get help/a counselling appointment) and to come back in a month, I felt so let down and hopeless. I hope it doesn't take me too long to get help, talking about it has made me feel worse to be honest (going through it with my doctor and then during the assessment was painful) so I don't know I'm going to cope. I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore. Thank you, I hope I get the help I need soon.
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