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About geechie

  • Birthday 04/24/1981

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  1. ~Day 900 Hi everyone, I've been reducing my effexor, trying to get off of it slowly. Right now I'm taking 35 mg every other day for a couple weeks with the intention of going off it entirely next week. I was feeling solid at 35 mg a day but since alternating days I've been more negative, more ruminative, less energy. I'll see if it's temporary withdrawal symptoms or something else. Christmas time is a bit difficult as I don't have the presence of warm friends and family like I wish I did. I started a new job a few months ago that I'm getting used to and not exercising as much as I should. But I want to try to see how I am without effexor. I don't have much of sex drive with my girlfriend and I wanted to see if it comes back. I'll still take Remeron at night as it really helps me sleep. A few things I've read recently that got me interested in going off meds: A harm reduction guide to coming off psychiatric drugs. Also, a Wellness Recovery Action Plan pdf where you write down all the things that help you stay well. Wish me luck and Merry Christmas!
  2. Hey everyone, I'm back because I've fallen into some more depression again about a month ago. Still, a year and a half is a pretty good run where I was pretty much free of the Grey Demon. Over the last year, I've been slowly cutting down on my meds from 150mg of Effexor, 300mg of Wellbutrin, and 15mg of Remeron to 75 mg of Effexor and 15mg of Remeron. I just emailed my doctor about upping the Effexor again. I got a promotion at work which has led to more responsibilities, my girlfriend moved in with me, and I've fallen out of a regular exercise routine. Hopefully, my work demands will get less at the end of the month and I'll have an easier time of exercising again. It's hard for me to do it, you know? I sure hate dealing with this again but I hope that because I'm jumping into addressing it early, I'll be able get my head up again soon. I'm trying to reconnect with what helped me last time. I think structure and movement helps me. Also, connecting with other people I respect who also struggle with whatever this thing is. Best, W
  3. Days 57-66 Thanks Matt for your experiences and perspective. I appreciate it! I haven't been here for 9 days because I'm doing a lot better. I took a self-assessment a few minutes ago and it said, "Your score is in a range not typically associated with depression." I think that's accurate for these last couple weeks. I went on a vacation/retreat with my old meditation friends and I had a good time. I spoke eloquently and was friendly. I still have my limits to socializing and if I don't get enough sleep I feel like I do when I'm depressed but with less negative self-panic. I know I'm still vulnerable and I want to take care of myself better so that I preserve this good state of mind. I should also mention that I stopped ************* and any pornography use about four weeks ago. I've been reading that a lot of guys find that helpful to regaining vitality and having a better attitude towards life. I think it has really helped me personally. "No fap" is the term they use if anyone wants to check it out. What else? Still not doing much exercise but I still want to. I'm still going to try to change into a different part-time job. It's pretty tense and sad at times living with my girlfriend. I alternate between wanting to take care of her and being angry and wanting to get away from her. I've got another couple of months until our lease runs out though. I do a lot better when I'm out of the house than when I'm here. I'll make it a point to update this now and again but I don't think I'll be here as frequently as I have in the past. Who knows, I could be back here in a week falling harder than I ever have. I want to respect the power of this demon and that I'll probably always be vulnerable to its powers. I can't say I'm done with it forever but I can say I feel a lot of compassion for myself trying so hard just to face another day. It shouldn't have to be so hard just to live. Now I'm focused on getting enough sleep, getting exercise, cooking healthy meals instead of packaged meals, wearing nicer clothes that I feel good in. I am going to practice patience and pace myself with all this. Little snail, slowly slowly climb Mt. Fuji. --Issa I've also been thinking about wabi sabi. It's a Japanese term meaning something like the beauty and melancholy of impermanence and nature. I think some of us have a sense of the impermanence of things and we need to be surrounded by reminders of the gentle beauty of that instead of just the pain of it. We're such little beings in a way who can never live up to our ideals. There's a way that can be held gently, with care, with some sadness, but still with a sense of beauty. I know I need to be surrounded by art that helps me stay aware to the beauty instead of just the sadness and pain of it. If I don't have any beautiful, meaningful art in my life I get sick. A few people sent me some very kind messages and I really appreciated them, thank you. My best wishes to all you little snails.
  4. Days 49-56 I got pretty low on days 50 and 51. Quality sleep is still a huge factor in my ability to feel good things. I got a couple of sales at my job and a promotion at my part-time job and I felt really good a few days ago. Then a social freakout spiral happened and I was off for a day or so. Twice I've had incredibly vivid and terrifying dreams that I knew were dreams but I had a hard time getting out of. Fascinating. I am feeling like my life has some great possibilities with my new job and ending my old relationship even though we're still living together and will be for a while. Still 3 meds is a lot and I'm going to try tapering off one of them when I seem my psychiatrist in a month.
  5. Days 46-48 For days 47 and 48 I got really solid sleep. The remeron puts me right out after about 15 minutes from taking it. Having good sleep really helps feeling sane throughout the day. Today I felt pretty good hanging out with my father and uncle, playing guitar, pool, and getting lunch. I hope it lasts! I don't know if it's about the antidepressant effect or mostly getting deep sleep from the drugs. Stay tuned!
  6. Day 38-45 I saw my psychiatrist for the first time since I started taking Effexor. I filled out the assessment and it I got the exact same depression score that I did when I started this drug. However, my motivation and activity have increased but my sleep has gotten a lot worse. I wondered if my sleep were better maybe I would be feeling better in general. So she suggested I add 15mg of Remeron at bedtime along with Trazadone for sleeping as needed. That means I'll be on three antidepressants which seems like a lot considering I have moderate but chronic depression and not severe depression. This Effexor Diary has just become California Rocket Fuel + Wellbutrin Diary.
  7. I just read a poem called "things i wanted to do today" from Tao Yin's book "you are a little bit happier than i am" and it got me thinking about all the things I want to do during the day that I don't act on. I'd like to hear all the things you wanted to do today, not the things you wished happened to you. Here's mine: i wanted to boldly call up that sexy sweet Korean girl I met in class and invite her to go to the museum with me. i wanted to tell the director at the school i work in that she is too negative with the kids i wanted to add some cayenne pepper to the school macaroni and cheese i wanted to play jazz guitar with my dad again i wanted to think of a way to get a parent to have her kid assessed for autism without offending or scaring her i wanted to take vitamin b-3 (niacin), the flushing kind, and have it incredibly cure my depression and be the start of a whole new life i wanted to set up a date with that fast-talking anxious girl before she moves away on Thursday so we could make out i wanted to know just what to say to my co-workers when i greeted them this morning i wanted to quit half of my job and get a new half of a job that is more fun with cooler people who are smarter and make me laugh and who think i am smart and funny i wanted today to be the day that i take my antidepressants and they finally transform my moods and thoughts i wanted to do 3 minutes of exercise first thing when i got up this morning i wanted to exercise on my break i wanted to make the kids i work with laugh and smile and show them something new and cool about the world i wanted to check depression forums' "view new content" page and see some amazing post that changed my attitude or gave me a new thing to try i wanted to check my email and find a friend had just invited me to something really fun i wanted to start texting poetic thoughts to a friend and have him text me back his own thoughts and then that becomes a cool part of our relationship i wanted to do something that would make me decently happy so i could rest
  8. Days 35-37 I told my live-in girlfriend I didn't think our relationship was working out and I wanted to break up. She didn't say much, I've been sleeping on the couch and we've been polite to each other but haven't had any big discussions sense then. I don't know if it's the best thing for me but I did it. She really loves me and I wish I loved her but mostly I feel irritated by her. Sleep is up and down. If I have long-stretches of time with no purposeful activity, I fall into depression. I'm trying to get more disciplined about things like exercise and making sure I have good books around. I'm committed to no more pornography or *************. I got a nice haircut today and some new clothes. I'm grateful for the Ativan in difficult social situations but I still can't say for sure that the Effexor is doing anything. I see the psychiatrist in a week.
  9. Hey Everyone, I am a very tall, very thin man and I was wondering if there were certain body types more prone to depression. I wondered if there were also gender differences. Thanks for your participation?
  10. Day 30-34 Felt pretty good and energetic and clear on days 30 and 31 but then someone called to get a refund from something I sold them at work. I felt discouraged and then depressed and then started thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend. I got depressed again and had another few nights of 5 hours sleep. I finally got a decent night's sleep last night and I feel better and calmer but not great. I made a few attempts at exercising in the morning just for a few minutes but I haven't gotten in the habit of it. I have been scheduling activities with friends more. I'd like to set up some long-term and short-term goals and structure my life more. I heard something from a "postpsychiatry" video on youtube that a lot of recovery movements emphasize work, leisure, creativity, relationships, spirituality, friends, travel, acceptance, and sports over psychotherapy and drugs. I'd like to make a plan to touch into all those dimensions of life.
  11. I've struggled with awkwardness as a guy and really don't like it. A few things have helped me: 1) Ativan 2) Studying body language and how to stand, how often to make eye contact, etc. 3) Being in a group situation where I have a prescribed role, like taking people's credit card info while chatting them up about the course they are enrolling in. That way there's only a little improvisation to do. 4) In San Francisco we have meetup.com where you can go to new events and some of them are awkward friendly. There's one that even teaches social skills!
  12. Day 27,28,29 I just finished the Landmark Advanced Course and it really moved me at the end. I crashed a bit the next day realizing I wasn't going to stay close to a lot of those people. Then I picked up my life and felt better. I'm not sure if it was the course or if the Effexor is kicking in more but friends are saying they see me talking with more animation and creativity, I do more spontaneous things, I'm less formal and to the point. I've been worrying less about stuff that used to bother me. I was more assertive at work with a co-worker. Still have lots of ups and down and several nights of 1-5 hour sleep which leaves me exhausted the next day. I feel like I have a chemical in my body for sure. I have had chronic dyshymia for 15 years and recently had an episode of MDD in December that I'm climbing out of. I've never had manic episodes or been diagnosed on that spectrum. I heard Effexor has the potential to trigger manic episodes in people with bipolar so yeah, you may want a second opinion if you're not comfortable with it yet. W
  13. Days 20 - 26 My days go much better when I get some sleep. I've had some good times when I've met some new people or accomplished something new at work. If I have a few hours with nothing meaningful going on I fall back into moderate depression pretty quick. So far I'd say there is some difference with the effexor in that I don't feel as heavy or vegetative when I get down. I still feel negative and critical but my speech doesn't slur. It's a lot more insomnia than I'm used to though. I'm meeting with my psychiatrist in two weeks and I'll figure out what to do then.
  14. Day 19: Again woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I was down for most of the day. I almost broke up with my supportive girlfriend last night. I just don't enjoy her company and feel irritated and critical with her most of the time. I had an encouraging session with my therapist who recommended some couples books like "Love is a Verb" and "Feeling Good Together". I ordered the first one from the library and made some suggestions to my girlfriend on how I could tell her more appreciations and we could read up on couples books and YouTube videos together and discuss them. I basically feel like I did before taking Effexor -- moderately depressed. If something cool happens I do feel an up for a short while and then sink back into tiredness and negativity. Tomorrow, I'm going to start doing extremely small amounts of exercise in the morning and building each week from there.
  15. Day 18: I had to get up 3 or 4 times tonight to urinate and then 3 more times in the morning -- a lot more than usual. Consequently, I didn't get a good night's sleep. I took Ativan around 5am to sleep but I was still tired when I woke up. I felt a familiar feeling of anhedonia and irritability soak in around noon and continued till the evening. I got together with some family members and walked around the city and played a fun game of pool. But besides that I was tired and negative. I don't think this negates yesterday, but I am disappointed.
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