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struggling to live

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  1. struggling to live

    Who cares?

    Thank you both for answering, Id7, thank you for your offer to message you but i dont want to bother you. i could end up telling you the story of my life and every stupid detail of whats wrong right now, but i dont think it would be good for you or helpful for me... often, i just feel theres nobody there to listen to me, not even paid people like Ts. like i am too bad, too wrong and too broken for anyone. ok, just to mention a few things out of context: - was hoping of getting hired but maybe i wont. its mostly up to me but i dont feel mentally and physically able to do the job, no matter how much i wanted it and how much effort i put on learning it. and there seem to be no other job for me at the moment but im sick of waiting. i feel like i dont have time anymore. - not sure how to behave with my boss who tried to befriend me..... friendship scares me and she scares me too - any (close) Friend i've had has left me one way or another. the only good friend i have now... she's getting too close and i felt resentment for that. i shouldnt. - old T and new T are unhelpful. or rather, i cannot be helped. nobody can help someone who doesnt want that help. but still, i feel disappointed in them - issues with my brother only make me realize how much my feelings and thoughts are not normal or not what they're supposed to be - soon going to meet with old friends who got to move on with their lives while im stuck. the meeting is stirring ana thoughts and behaviors in me. and im SO ashamed and disappointed of my body - friends are getting pregnant, having babies and im stuck. not sure what i want but they make me feel inferior - i keep disappointing and hurting my parents by achieving nothing in life and not sharing anything with them. they're getting old and im wasting time and chances to make them happy but i cant... - an email friend i met recently and that made me feel safe and ok has stopped answering me and i dont know why. this has hurt me a lot - a long distance "friend" is planning meeting with me, moving here, hopefully getting married, having kids, working together but im not even sure i want something like that. what if in person i cant stand him as for any other bf i've had? fantasizing long distance is too easy. - im not even sure of my sexual orientation. i may be asexual or aromantic or both. how do i know? - no money to do anything, still living with parents at 35 because of that. - confusion about meds. should i take them or not? do they help me in my job or not? tried quitting but then i cannot sleep. what do i do? Ts again are useless. - im left with no plans on how to go on living. only able to think about death im sure theres much more but i guess thats enough for now. this was most heavy on my heart.... i cant see a single aspect of my life not touched by this and going not well but ok at least....
  2. struggling to live

    Who cares?

    I feel like nobody cares about how i feel, how i barely survive... and if they care its a selfish way to care... Or maybe its me the one who doesnt care enough about others... Honestly i dont care about the pain i would inflict on the few people close to me, should i die. I feel like i hurt them more by being alive. Even if they dont think so. Its too complicated to explain whats going on, but everything is so intertwined, and theres nothing going on ok. Not a single thing. And its all my fault, of my thoughts, of my feelings... They are not normal, i am not made to live this life. Why does nobody listen to me?
  3. struggling to live

    People and feelings

    Thank for your answers. i dont think i can be honest with my parents or anyone else than my T, and its difficult with her too but today i tried to open up more with her. funny thing is i realized that even though people are the main source of my stress and emotional pain, the only two positive "things" in my life now are two persons. a girl friend that i see regularly once a week and that gives me a "break" from life, and a guy i've known for more than 15 years and that in spite of all my doubts represents my only hope for life....
  4. struggling to live

    Just need to talk...

    Thank you both for answering. Getting things out helped. i know most of this in a month or two will be gone, but then i'll just be fighting other new problems. it seems like this will never end. what kind of life is this? one where there are just problems and you never get to feel happy? or you never get any reward for the difficulties you overcame? what is the point then? i dont think any T can help me. i have tried several, but ultimately its useless. they can help but they cant live for me. and i dont think i want to go on living like this. i cant even blame them, they have tried to help.... i just dont feel theres anything left worth living for. or if there is something, it includes others and others are a problem for me. so whats the point? Thanks Azzurra for saying im a real person, im glad others can think that of me, but i dont feel it. and i do not understand how my parents feelings of happiness can be sincere. i dont feel it and it IS some sort of competition for me. of course they are superior to me. it feels everybody is. i do want to move out, but im scared too. anyway, nothing will happen until they hire me and i can afford it.... will have to wait some more... yes, i know my mom only wants to spend time with me, but i feel smothered by her, by her only presence... and what should we talk about? i hate small talk and i certainly cant share with her my true thoughts and feelings. and even if i wanted to try again, she has already proven me she doesnt understand. i dont like to talk with who doesnt understand. we end up hurt and mad at each other, so i prefer to just avoid her altogether. Vega, thank you too for your words. my mom has told me many times the exact same words your mom told you. i do understand that, but she also has to understand im fighting to feel and become an adult. i know she probably doesnt mean to treat me like a child, but knowing she thinks of me in that way (because she does), makes me angry at her. her attitude doesnt help me becoming an adult and independent, which i feel it is something she should want for me. why doesnt she help me becoming an adult? shouldnt it be her duty as a mom?
  5. struggling to live

    People and feelings

    Life seems to be so different for other people. to the point that i often wonder if they only fake it. they can fall in love, get married, have kids, keep a job... and it all seems to be normal for them, almost effortless. do they ever wonder if thats what they truly want? do they truly want this life as it is? do their feelings guide them? are they truly spontaneous? i really wonder how living as they seem to do would feel. i never dreamed about sharing my life with another person. i need my alone time and especially sleeping alone too much. today the daughter of my parents' friends had her first baby. she is younger than me. i feel this only proves what a big failure i am at life. i know this is very selfish of me, because it is not about me, but my parents look up to these friends and i feel not only a big failure to myself, but also huge disappointment for them. i still live with them, i dont have a real job and except for a semi-long-distance-relationship based all on fantasies, i dont have friends or romantic relationships. and im not even sure i want one. the thought of at some point having to live with someone - for the rest of my life - feels scary and only a duty. seriously, how can people do that??? my parents forced me to text congrats to this friend and then even wanted me to congratulate with the new granparents when they came home to show the pics. i refused to meet with the granparents. the only thought of being seen (im ashamed of that) and having to completely fake positive feelings that i do NOT feel seemed too exhausting. i do not feel happy for them and i truly wonder how can my parents feel happy for them. are they secretly envying them but pretend to be happy? i cannot explain this to myself. how can they be sincerely happy for them???? i think the closer i could get to feeling happy for someone was if i felt i too had something in my life to be happy about, but since i hate everything of my life, i can not. i envy others but im not sure i'd want the same for myself. does it make any sense? i envy their normality. and cant help wondering if they only fake it. if life itself is only about pretending. when i happened to be in a relationship, i didnt really want to be with that person, i only liked feeling/being seen as normal... im not without feelings, but when its about people, i dont think my feelings are what they're supposed to be. so i have no choice but to pretend or lie. social norms, mainly seem fake/meaningless to me. i had to consciously learn them and learn how to apply them. they rarely match with my feelings. what i hate the most is pretending happiness. maybe because i feel it so rarely... anyone can relate to anything of this?
  6. struggling to live

    Just need to talk...

    This is all so complicated. It' been a long time since i felt this need to talk and get things out, but my dark side suggested me that by not talking i will eventually feel worse and then maybe i'll finally end my life which is something i think i want and have made plans for it, but its taking longer than i thought... i have also tapered my meds for the same reason and it is harder without them, but with meds i dont feel myself, and, as i said, i have other plans. But at the moment i think i still need to survive.... so i really need to get these things out. Nothing big is happening, but put it all together is a bit too much for me right now. And i have nobody else to talk with about it. Firstly, im learning a new job and its mentally and physically exhausting. I often seriously consider quitting, but finding something else would be even harder, and i need the money so i stick to it. I have issues with my current T and previous T as well. With current T, i dont like her much, i find her quite judgmental, invalidating and unprofessional. I have tried attending her T group, but it only made me feel worse and resented towards her. With previous T, i keep fluctuating between seeing him as god or “nothing”. And these contrasting feelings leave me feeling torn and guilty. As for relationships, i have only one friend with whom i cant be me and i need to keep it all superficial. as for guys... i only have a semi-relationship based on fantasies. It is a long distance one too. I have no idea of what could happen, if i could put up living with someone (i really need my alone time and sleeping alone). I have some feelings for him but i dont know what could happen between us in person. I hate kissing and sex not so much... sometimes i think im better off alone, but then i envy others’ normal lives, so im not sure. About the future... i have my dark plans but i cant deny i have some positive plans too. Should it go well with this guy, what would i do then? I have planned my death all my life, and now? Its really confusing. I have even planned going to visit him.... or another online friend.... these trips would be possible only if i get hired, so everything is connected. And planning about visiting people is good but also stressing. People scare me. Maybe the connection scares me. Im often plagued by memories of all the meaningful people i’ve had in my life and usually these memories are shameful and overwhelming. Alone, isolated and without any stimulus its easier.... but boring too. So what do i want? Im also caught up in tv series. I feel they’re my friends and they accompany me during the day. I also imitate some of the characters. Lately i have also seen documentaries on Hitler and the WWII and i’ve found myself obsessed with this too. Getting to know he was a zero and then became who he became, gives me some hope. I am a zero now, maybe in the future i can become someone? Not famous, but a real person? Thanks to the new job plan, im also thinking about getting my own place, finally. Only that, according to my plans, i’d use it to destroy myself and this is in contrast with planning trips and maybe a life with this guy? So im not sure what to do or even what i want and this is very destabilizing for someone used to planning every detail of her life. Im also very doubtful about my sexual identity. One night i dreamed about kissing a girl and the night after i dreamed about kissing a boy... and i dont like kissing! I’ve dreamed about having sex only once in my life... and before having sex for the first time, so that was weird. i’ve found reading about asexuality, squishes and aromanticism very comforting. I dont know what i am. What i want or what i want not. The daughter of my parents’ friend just had a baby. The comparison leaves me feeling a total failure. i do not feel happy for her/them. I envy her (even if i do not want a baby myself right now, maybe later?) and I truly wonder how can my parents be happy for them? is it fake? How can they be sincerely happy for them? dont they make comparisons? Dont they see our family loses against theirs in every aspects? Are they sincere? And if so, how can they be??? Lastly, i feel suffocated by my mom. She is always worried about me, im 35 but she treats me as if i were 10 or 15 maybe? She doesnt do or say anything clearly, but i know what she thinks and what she feels. Its torture. Battling between what i feel/want and what i know she feels/wants. Thats also a big reason for i want out. And what drives me crazy is the different treatment i get and my brother gets. He is younger than me but since he moved out he can be independent, my mom asks nothing from him, while me, since i still live with them, they treat me like a child. My mom would like me to go to the beach with them.... while im trying to detach myself from them. i think she feels that and she doesnt like it. She would like me to be her little girl forever. She is nostalgic about when we were kids and we would go together to the beach. She asked me, but would never dare asking the same to my brother. This infuriates me. This is not right. Not fair. Im not her possession, not here to make her happy. Even though i know im totally different than she would like me to be, i have tried and i still try to make her happy, but its not my job. Not here to compensate for her unhappiness. And why does she ask that from me and not from my brother? Why? Thanks for reading...
  7. struggling to live

    More Lonely Than Before

    Thank you both. i am already preparing myself to die, so i do live each day as one of my last ones., but i spend them "getting ready". i've tried hot line, but they cant do much. i have this appt with pdoc today and i hope she'll show up and WILL talk with me. at the MHC its no something taken for granted... i dont know why i feel embraced by darkness and the darkness is me too. thankls for answering, makes me feel more real.
  8. struggling to live

    More Lonely Than Before

    Thanks, but all i want to do now is to just let myself go, let myself drown, sinking into the darkest hole...
  9. struggling to live

    More Lonely Than Before

    Last week i went inpatient for suicidal ideations. I've told them everything that was heavy on my heart and mind, they CHANGED the meds and i'm feeling better now, no more urges, just thoughts... But bottom line is nothing has actually CHANGED and in spite of me talking with a lot of people (nurses and docs) i feel as lonely as before, or even worse. And i contacted my private good T to update him and i feel like i've disappointed him asking for help at the center, hurt and betrayed him. And i wont get to see him till the 22nd of december and i just feel BAD about everything. Why do i still feel so bad? Any good word for me please? I'm going back down...
  10. struggling to live

    How To Feel?

    For a long while i havent been able to feel much in general, but now this is causing my boyfriend and i to break up and i dont want that but i dont know how to force myself to feel. Especially the positive feelings for him. Like happiness and excitement to see him or passion and affection.... or love. How do i get back my feelings? Thanks
  11. struggling to live

    Relationships As A Duty

    I feel just having to talk, listen, show you care to family and friends is a duty. Making my boyfriend happy with kissing, cuddling, sex, spending time with him... is an effort that i have to put up with to make him stay with me. Because i think family and kids are the best way to give meaning to life, even if only having a boyfriend already makes me feel trapped with things to do that i dont really want or enjoy... I feel trapped by my own wishes! Isnt it crazy?
  12. I tend to see relationships, especially romantic ones and everything related to them (all kinds of physical contact), as a duty. A duty that i want, but still a duty that most of the times i dont even enjoy. Wanting something and then feeling trapped or even replused by it is confusing. Anyone can relate? Is there a way to feel differently? To feel you want what you have, what you have fought hard to achieve and that you think you should want?
  13. struggling to live

    Healthier Ways To Cope?

    Thank you very much, great suggestions. im really interested in EFT and yes, going out for a walk, especially in the nature could realy help on sunny days. Thanky you! all the best!
  14. struggling to live

    Healthier Ways To Cope?

    Thank you all. im not much into meditation but i could definitely try some deep breathing. as for distractions, coming online, reading and posting could be really helpful and eating something healthy instead of junk food could help too. thank you very much for your useful suggestions! all the best
  15. struggling to live

    Healthier Ways To Cope?

    Hello, i'd like some advice on how to cope in a healthier way. I used to SH, drink and take pills to cope but its been a while im trying to reduce these behaviors and so i've turned to eating. i use food (sweets/junk mostly) to give myself something to wait for during the day, some kind of reward for going through the day. if i dont do this, depression overwhelms me and i just HAVE TO turn to one or more of these things. the problem is now im fat and even my body disgusts me making me even more depressed and wanting to eat more. i've tried writing but it usually isnt enough. it usually happens at work where i cant take a shower, listen to music, watch tv, read a book etc. things that i DO at home but often they arent enough anyway. what else could i do? ideas? thanks