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ivy whispers

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About ivy whispers

  • Birthday 08/04/1991

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    New Jersey

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  1. Yuhmaz, I'm sorry that you're in such a rough place how are you feeling?
  2. Have you tried it yet ladysmurf? I just got it prescribed today...
  3. Hi kimbo, How are you feeling? Have you tried your med yet?
  4. Thanks for responding guys... I think it did stop working to some degree. My panic attacks have stopped but not the thoughts. Just saw my pdoc and he kept my Prozac at 20mg and added seroquel 25 mg half tablet at first. I'm so scared to take it, it's not even funny. I tried risperidol a while back ago and it made me so fat and I was lactating! Not sure that I even want to try this ...
  5. I am going through relationship ocd currently, I'm 24 he's 26, it's been 3 years. I'm on prozac 20 mg. But, what if I'm not going through rOCD? Every single day I'm consumed with thoughts of do I really love him? Is he ugly? Maybe I should ask my family and friends. He's too short. His hands are too small. Literally obsessed with these thoughts and I f**king hate it. I'm so anxious to the point where my head feels like it's about to explode and my neck and back hurt. When I do feel any kind of relief or happiness, I doubt it immediately. I compare him and our relationship to other peoples relationship or another mans looks. I get uncomfortable when people talk about breaking up, I feel the panic rush in my body. I can barely listen to any music on the radio in the car because it's all about love. Then I have more doubts, am I settling? What if I'm in denial? What if this isn't OCD and I'm just effed up. What if for 3 years I was obsessed with him and didn't even realize it wasn't love just an obsession? I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I'm a different person with the flip of a switch. Just 3 months ago I loved myself and him and everything was close to perfect. We always have had a great and easy relationship. No bad history, he has anxiety too so he understands (sometimes) how hard it can be. When I think about breaking up I shake and cry. The other day he said well then you really don't love me if you have these kinds of thoughts. It felt like he was stabbing me in the heart and I just cried. But then I doubted why I was crying, well maybe I'm crying because it's been 3 years and of course you're going to cry but you still don't love him. Then I have a voice in my head, every time I'm happy and optimistic about things the voice (my voice) says NO. You're not happy, you're trapped, run, get out of here, stop lying to yourself, you're a piece of sh**. We're young should we not be so serious? Should we be like they are in movies, having the time of our lives until we're 30 and then settle down? What does that even mean?!? We have fun all the time! We laugh, we joke, we're so weird together and I love it. But see now me typing that the little voice in my head is saying NO you don't love it. ***? I want to scream. I'm scared all the time. I'm scared he'll leave me, but at the same time who wants to date someone like me? Who wants to hear "I'm afraid of losing my love for you" "I'm afraid of not being attracted to you". Of course you're going to be hurt and eventually why would you stay with that person even if you are in love? My brain or me I don't even know anymore is literally sabotaging my relationship OUT OF NO WHERE. We're so honest, even if it hurts. We don't cheat, we don't have a history of that either. I hate talking to the opposite sex cos I'm scared I'll fall in love with them instead. What if we go on separate vacations and I fall in love with someone else? Sometimes I'll look at a random unattractive guy and the voice (my voice) will be like oh my god he's so hot. WHAT? NO. It'll be like an old man or someone really young and I'll say that to myself. WHO AM I? Certainly not who I was just 3 months ago. I'm afraid to be intimate with him for the fear of not feeling anything at all. What if feeling good is just me being in denial? He is shorter, he's taller than me but he's only about 5'7 or 5'8. So I started to obsess over that, which NEVER bothered me in 3 YEARS!!!! Or that his hands are small a tiny bit bigger than mine. AGAIN, DID NOT BOTHER ME IN 3 YEARS. All of a sudden one day the thought just popped into my head and now I'm OBSESSED. Then I have urges and thoughts about breaking up, or fantasize about being with someone else, random, no one in particular, or maybe even a girl. It makes me cringe and panic again washes over me. Then this MUST mean we have to break up. I probably sound insane and this is all over the place but it's how my brain works. I don't know what to do. Now I feel like everything I wrote is a lie. Welp this is my day to day struggle and I feel so alone and helpless. I used to love songs about love and sing and talk to people about my boyfriend...now I'm terrified and I don't know what to do
  6. Hi Penelope, Sorry that no one go the chance to answer you for a while. What's your dose on the Prozac? Loss of appetite is deffinitely a symptom, it can take a while for it to go away. However, it also depends on you too, like are you generally a nervous person even on meds? I am, so that affects my appetite a lot, so I don't eat. Do you normally eat about 3 meals a day? Do you drink a lot of coffee? Do you smoke? (All rhetorical, you don't have to answer) From what I've been learning and observing about mental illness and medication side effects, it also has a lot to do with your life style not just the medicine itself. Your belly probably swells when you eat even a bite of food because it's so empty, so even a bite of fruit can bloat you. The shakiness was there for me way way in the beginning because the prozac stimulated me, also you may shake from not eating. Swollen fingers I still have! I didn't think anyone would have that kind of side effect. So yes I've had all your side effects, took quite some time to regulate. Hang in there. Hope you're feeling better Ivy
  7. Hi des, I'm back as well after about 2.5 year. Like you I struggled but for some reason just recently things became extra rough and I feel like it's back with a vengeance. It's nice to have a community of people who really understand what it's like. See ya around Ivy
  8. Lauryn, Straha, and Tim Thanks so much for replying and yes I'm back on Prozac and it's not keeping my thoughts away but at least I'm not having panic attacks over it and I'm feeling a little better over all. I can keep the thoughts away for a few hours but eventually something triggers my anxiety and they come back. But, even 30 minutes of relief feels really great ya know? Ivy
  9. Oh what a journey is has been...I'm not new to this forum, this place has helped me through some of the hardest times. I was pretty much great for a very long time, about two years until something possessed me to "try" not being on medication. Ha what a joke. With in a matter of 2 months, my OCD has come back with a vengeance. Not attacking me and my horrible harm thoughts, or questioning my sexuality, or that I'll be sleep walking and hurt someone or myself. It has come back to attack my love for my sweet innocent boyfriend of 3 years. Who has been nothing but supportive, knows pretty much everything except for some really gruesome thoughts I have that no one needs to know about. I have every intrusive thought OCD in the book, literally, my brain has tormented me with all of it. Of course last but not least the relationship ocd. This one in particular is more difficult because my boyfriend and his home have always been my safe place, my comfort, my everything. Now it's just getting ripped out from beneath me sending me into this spiral of no return. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know how to get back there. This is making me feel like the polar opposite of the woman I've been for years. Every time I say I love you to my boyfriend, my brain says "no you don't stop lying" or I'm so focused on his appearance like "why couldn't you be taller" or "why are your hands so small" "you should have bigger legs, most men do" it's horrific. We want to move in together within two years, and want to be married eventually. Why would he marry a monster like me who sometimes says "you're disgusting" in her head. When I have these thoughts it feels like my legs are going to give out and I cry and panic. IT's hard spending time with him because of how guilty and anxious I am. Sometimes I wonder maybe we shouldn't hang out or take a break, but then the thought of that makes me panic. I'm just so uncomfortable all the time. I want to spend time with him and enjoy it, I want to go out being able to laugh with him like we always do, I JUST WANT THINGS TO GO BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE. I'm doubting every fiber in my body about my feelings, about our chemistry, whether or not my friends and family think he's good looking. He's a smaller frame guy almost 5'8 so I'm constantly checking our height when were next to a mirror or our hand sizes. It's awful awful awful. It never bothered me before, and if the thought passed through I wouldn't even remotely care now I'm OBSESSED. I think about it day in and day out. When I go to sleep or if I'm waking up it's torture.
  10. Faramir, everyone that knows about me having ocd also says I should be relieved that I'm diagnosed and I know what it is. But that doesn't help control or ease the pure-o, all I do is doubt. Granted there are many things that I was doubting for a long time that now I can comfortably not doubt any longer but then new things just pop in my head and it takes forever to get rid of the negativity. Also not many people post in the ocd section let alone say they have pure-o so it just makes me feel more alone than ever at times, this past week is one of them. Thanks for posting and take care. Love yourself and your spouse, you need each other equally ivy
  11. I was diagnosed with OCD not long ago and have been on Sertraline for about a year now to control my ocd thoughts. Many pdocs don't develop the pure o diagnosis with patients a lot of people have no idea what it is. So, for those of you suffering from it, I'm having a hard time, also my fellow ruminators if that is your main symptom this applies. Why do these times of ruminating and obsessive thoughts come in waves? I've been free of these exhausting, time consuming thoughts for weeks, maybe even three months? And bam it's back. Maybe not as bad, I think because I know what it is this time and last time I had no idea. I don't want to stab people in the eye, or hurt little children, or hurt anyone! It's so frustrating cos all I hear from people is "you're so sweet and thoughtful" and then in my head I scream "do you have any idea what I'm thinking right now, cos if you did, you'd probably run far away from me." It's not like I want any of this, or these thoughts, or act on anything but, the question in my mind always remains what if I really do but I'm trying to convince myself other wise? Am I a flippin sociopath? And Sertraline (100mg) really helps keep the thoughts away, really it does. But, it hurts my stomach and has made me gain unwanted weight even though I eat extremely well. It's 10 pounds, but for someone who works their butt off and is an athlete, its frustrating. Anyway back to the insane thoughts that I never asked for. Where are they coming from? Why is my brain even going there? It seems like a gateway has opened in my brain and when it's time to close, its like nope, not happening. My music (singing) and working out will not help forever. Also, are OCD people on meds for the rest of their lives? I mean I can't imagine having such disgusting, horrid, monstrous, unwanted thoughts like that, can be off meds. What bothers me a lot is usually with this type or I suppose any type of OCD, things like Sertraline/Zoloft need to be taken at higher doses. A low dose for me is like a joke to my brain almost. There's a lot of things I haven't gotten passed yet from my past with when panic attacks and depression first started for me. I always have the urge to just blurt it out to my boyfriend or best friend but they won't understand. My boyfriend gets very frustrated with me at times, and my best friend says "you're stupid, stop thinking that" well gee thanks, I can't control it. My older brother said last night "well why don't you just replace the negative bad thoughts and obsess over positive things" well yes, great, problem is, it doesn't happen. I can obsess over positive things for about 2.5 seconds and bam lets head back over to the negatives shall we? Can you tell I'm frustrated? It's the negatives because it's all things I'm terrified of. Like death, being a socio, being a serial killer, being schizo, being a psycho. I'm not obsessed with objects, or people...it's my own fears. If I wasn't on my meds, I feel like I'd be...not here any longer...physically if you know what I mean. I have a decent life, so it's agonizing feeling and thinking these terrible things! I want/need to know and I want to so badly to understand this, but how will I/we ever understand if doctors don't even know? There are times I force myself to be numb which I've gotten good at because I can't stand to go through another day like this. Problem is, when I force the numbness, I'm a zombie. I don't laugh, ever or tell jokes or stories, I'm lifeless and usually I'm filled with life so when the numbness happens people close to me as well as some co-workers notice instantly....and then what, I don't want tell anyone? Also I'm sick of people telling me I'm full of s**t just because I don't look like I have ocd! Excuse me but what does an ocd diagnosed person look like exactly aside from a normal human being? So I don't have compulsions, just really messed up unwanted thoughts that cause panic attacks which result in losing consciousness (for me). What in the world am I supposed to look like? An alien? I'm sorry but people suck, except for DF people, everyone here is the bee kness :happy:I guess I just needed to get all this out....if anyone else needs to rant or have questions or advice or a start to a solution....post please. I need some support....I feel incredibly alone.... Ivy
  12. Hi Faramir, I don't have compulsions, just thoughts that cause an enormous amount of distress. I'm taking Sertraline (Zoloft) 100mg currently and it's helped me a great amount, far more than I have ever imagined. As for "Pure O" I've read about it and do believe it exists, there's a thread on here someone posted about ruminating, which is essentially "Pure O". As ruminators don't have compulsions, or typical compulsions just more so intrusive, unwanted, obsessive thoughts. Also asking questions constantly for example I always think about why I was ever created, what happens after death, if I'm angry with someone, I exhaust every single scenario possible as to why this happened? Why did they say what they said while they were angry? I could have done x y and z to avoid this situation completely, in reality that is just simply not the case. These thoughts can go on for weeks and months, it's exhausting and causes panic attacks and depression (for me). Also doubt is a big part of it, constantly seeking reassurance, which is also a pain in the butt! Ivy
  13. Thank you yes I can, I shall be writing in my journal soon and when I go I'll show that specific page.
  14. It's been a while since I've been on DF, my last appointment with my pdoc I learned that my fears are not panic disorder as we originally thought. Since I'm so scared and terrified and have these horrible intrusive thoughts, he didn't exactly want to tell me just yet what he was thinking so instead he switched my meds from Lexapro to Zoloft, the Lexapro was making my thoughts worse. I started at 25mg now I'm at 100mg, although I ran out of meds and I've been taking halves. My symptoms have slowly but surely re-appeared of the intrusive thoughts, although they're not as horrific as before medication, they're still there and making me agitated because I'm scared out of my mind. Also, I'm being a pain in the a** to my significant other, and constantly asking questions and asking for reassurance. He's aware of my mental issues, but I don't blame him for being frustrated. Lately my time management, my desire of going to school, and keeping on my search for a job has completely disappeared. I'm terrified and panicking constantly, and am in terrible distress. I think I'm ready to hear what my pdoc has to say, so I'll be making an appointment today, and hopefully start cbt with a therapist or something because this can not go on any longer. I'm 22 years old, this is a very crucial part in my life, and because of my ocd and panic and tendency for depression, this needs to be under control. I need to choose a path for my life, I have a constant fear of failure and time running out. Oh and can you tell, I can't keep for focus for more than two minutes....I hate it. Now after all this blabbing, I know people have success with Zoloft for their ocd, at higher doses but out of curiosity and always thinking there has to be something better, what else is there that I can ask my pdoc about, about medication and treatments? What questions should I maybe ask? I guess I'm looking for some guidance. Any help would be very much appreciated. Ivy
  15. Welcome to DF DGH I read this entire thread LOL as I saw more and more things that I can relate to. I used to not take my medication or refused help simply because I have felt this way for most of my life and was scared of what it would feel like after successful medication and treatment. Despite my panic disorder and depression...I'm always told I'm way to nice; weird. The text and phone call thing, I thought I was the only one!! My lifes pretty decent to, whose to say what's normal human emotion and not? Some of us, well most of us on DF here feel much more than a "normal" person does....telling friends who don't understand or are going through something similar is difficult. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety changes your thought process on things and how you make decisions which is where the over analyzing comes from and going back in forth on your decision and conclusion on something. Okay so we're different, who cares?! Theres a bunch of "normal" people I know and I've come to the conclusion they're crazier than I am! I know you don't want to really accept it but, that's actually one of the first steps to recovery and or learning to live with it and still being able to live your life to the fullest. You may not want to hear it, you may say "yeah I know, I know" but it's so true. Just accept it, yeah I'm depressed, I have anxiety this is me and no matter what, I'm awesome! It has taken me 8 years to believe those words and even just say them. But after reading your posts, I truly believe it. Who knows maybe you're one of those people who don't need meds and can live a full life, with some moderate help like psychotherapy or group sessions with people who understand. Last thing I promise....relationships are difficult to begin with and sometimes may make depression much worse. You have to find someone who will seriously and truly accept you for every little single thing that you are. I tell my significant other my issues, my panics, phobias, suicidal thoughts in small doses. It's extremely overwhelming to hear those things coming out of your loved ones mouth; beyond overwhelming. To the point where if you're not careful with how you go about things sometimes, you can actually make them resent you in the end whether if it's right away, or five years from now. So relationships are work to begin with, but with feeling and thinking with depression it's a bit more work; well worth it I think. However, it shouldn't be hard work to the point where it's exhausting either, you have to find your balance with that person and a happy medium. I think everyone deserves that, especially you! Anyway loved your post, you got some great advice, and keep us posted on how you're feeling; bad or good DF's pretty awesome Ivy
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