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  1. I had my second EMDR session yesterday. Some weird stuff happened. My flashbacks intensified, and I actually started having flashbacks to my marriage and service time - not even related to what I went there for. This will be fun. Thanks for listening, again
  2. I don't blame myself at all for the situation - life happens. I learned long ago to not get hung up over what others do. CBT worked well for that. That said, what haunts me is the memories, the triggers, the flashbacks to some very, very dark nights - I am always on edge. Waking up in cold sweats from disturbing dreams. that's about all I can talk about today, really thanks for listening and your responses. This helped.
  3. just want to feel human again. I fly off the handle so easily now, break crap. I project and it sucks. It's ironic that I break crap, cause I have so little possessions to break - it's almost like I am punishing myself.
  4. Hey Folks, been a few years. A lot has changed. In the last 3 years I had a real bad small bowel blockage that put me in the hospital for 3 weeks, lost my ability to father - then the real fun started to happen - I got divorced, lost two houses, relocated with a woman who employed psychological warfare on me daily. As soon as we relocated, she broke it off with me, got engaged within a week, and twice she and her new partner were making loud ...you know what.... intentionally, so I would hear - in MY Condo.. I couldn't handle it. I went to a hotel for a couple weeks, and ended up swallowing several pills, had a seizure, I'll spare further details. Plan was to not wake up, but when I did, I packed my car with 200lbs of my belongings and relocated back to my hometown so I could be near family. I was homeless for a while, now I stay with a family member. That was a year ago. On top of leaving all my items, I spent close to $100,000 - the last money I had, supporting my ex - who did not work. My credit rating dropped over 300 points, tanking. I am still in ridiculous debt Since I came back to my home town, all I do is self-medicate to numb myself - when I don't, all I think about is how much I have failed in the last 3 years, and to a level - how I was treated - I can't think too much about it. It haunts me badly. Whole damn thing hurts still. Any trigger related to where I relocated, where I lived with her initially, just freezes me - often leaving me escaping to solitude with a leaking face. The person who I was with I am wellllll past, it's what she did to me, leaving me penny less, with my car, some clothes and a few personal items. I probably left $50,000 in belongings easily - I just had to get the hell out of there, before I couldn't. I am seeing a therapist, and start EMDR next week. Medication and CBT has not been working - there are repressed memories. She diagnosed me with PTSD. I have a history of anxiety and depression - but nothing like this. This is crippling. I can't focus, can't keep on top of work, can't study, and can’t remember. Thanks for letting me blurt all that out, and trying to follow my disconnected thoughts. I just needed to communicate it, and I have had an extremely hard time talking to people about this crap - I just don't trust anyone anymore.
  5. I am going back to my GP today....probably for the last time today. I am asking to be put back on the xanax. I have dropped down to 30mg of Bu-spar....which has worked, but I just feel over medicated.
  6. Thanks for the responses, and for educating me on proper etiquette :) its always good to know that we are not alone. My biggest challenges besides the roller coaster of meds, is the inability to have a child because of the meds and the "dead end" feeling I have in my job. I am in mid level management (IT program,operations manager), and recently found out the ALL of the people I mentored and supervise all make more then I do, yet i live in a land where gas costs $4 a gallon. Jut struggling to get a grip of self worth, ya know? I perform a 6 figure a year job at a 52k a year salary. I am fully taken advantage of cause I didn't finish my BA.....Yet I am extremely talented and can manage a program like ones business and save companies hundreds of thousands a dollars a year without breaking a sweat. Substance abuse isn't a big deal for me anymore, I am a dad, and with fatherhood went away the substance abuse, I don't even drink now. Anything I put in my body is either prescribed within doage allotments, or natural. believe it or not, my GP said for someone like me to take 60mg of Valium is not unheard of, since I took 4mg of Xanax daily for 13 years. I am going back to my GP tomorrow hopefully for a script of Xanax again, cause it worked fine, and it allowed me to engage in the fine art of baby making :) I am hoping to make some new connections, some new folks I can talk to, and hey, maybe even help some people. Thanks for your time! Jeff
  7. The Klonipoin worked wonderfully, but it killed my sex drive ( I think) and my wife and I are trying for child. I took 2 mg twice a day for a month, and was only able to wean myself down to 1mg twice a day without getting all tied up in knots. The Valium is to help me come off the klonopin, cause the withdraw is absolute hell. I took Xanax for 13 years, 1 mg 3x day for 13 years, and I weaned off of it in 6 months. The klonopin is a different beast all together. I have taken 70mg of valium this AM and my body stil aches all over and I have the shakes. I could go run 5 miles right now, easlily. This valiium isn't doing as much as I had hoped. I took my fair share of recreation drugs for a number of years, and quite smoking cold turkey after 14 years and had a far easier then this. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that I took xanax for so long, my GABA receptors are just fried. I am also taking 150 mg of welbutrin for my general depressive disorders, and 45mg a day of Buspar for GAD. I am starting to think that perhaps its the Buspar that is casuing my sex performance issues. I hope not cause Buspar has done more for my worry patterns then anything I have ever taken.
  8. Hi Folks, I have been feeling a really desperate need to get a few thing down on paper on out for other people to view, people who aren't my wife and aren't going to charge me $135 am hour to tell me cognitive therapy is the answer to everything. Overall, I would say I have a good life, I am married, have a house, have had the same job for 12 years. But I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. When I was a preteen, I was a very sensitive guy, and such i got picked on a lot. I would come home crying every other day from getting picked on at at school. When I reached junior high, I found a group of people who accepted me (kind of), as long as I did drugs with them. I quickly found that a life constantly doped up on anything was better then any reality. I was using an illegal drug, drinking, taking any pill I could get my hands on, Anything to escape reality, cause reality just sucked for me. That went on for about 6 months,, and then I had a bad experience with an illegal drug, and that sparked my genetic disposition to Panic Disorder. I'm not talking just the shortness off breath type panic disorder, I am talking about the type of panic that made me hallucinate an lose bowel control. Good times. So my parents put me in rehab, and I saw a Pysche who put me on 1mg of xanax at the age of 13. The Xanax worked great for dealing with my panic, but he did nothing for helping me though me issues. We played chess. I am now 32, and finally weaned off the xanax at age 31. Now am battling serious issues of self worth, panic, and addition again. I started having really bad panic attacks again, so my GP put me on Klonopin. Now I am battling shaking this crap. I am typing this message on 60mg of valium just to keep the shakes at bay. My wife and I are trying to have a child, and I can't perform. It makes me feel comletly worthless. I want to be a father so bad it hurts. My job is completely dead end and I did not finish my college degree. Each day leaves a grey cloud potential unemployment over my head. I don't know how much more of this I or my wife can take. I am looking for a sympathetic ear. I just need someone t talk to. My wife is a chemical dependency counselor, inconveniently - so when I try and talk to her about this stuff the counselor mode comes on and flips all this crap right back on me. I would appreciate anyone willing to take the time to talk to me more. Jeff
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