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rachiic

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Everything posted by rachiic

  1. Hi ... Im new to this forum. I have joined because I don't have anyone i can talk to even though my mother supposedly suffers from depression. She is probably the most selfish human being I have ever come across. We get along now after years but its very hard at times. ANYWAY! I was diagnosed with chronic depression about a year n a half ago and the doctor pointed out i've probably had it 4 7 years (from being 16) even though I hav seen endless amounts psychologists, doctors, cpn's etc! Im finding the fact this is for life extremely hard and the fact i will never be as happy as i long to be. :( My boyfriend is great although he doesnt understand it at all and gets frustrated at times but tries his best. I have cheated on him a few occasions. he knows bout some and not about others , the guilt was ******* me but i am slowly learnin 2 deal wit it cos i will never tell him the extent of it all and I know now i will never hurt him like that again. We live together and its been hard but it WILL work bcoz we love eachother very much and are the best of friends. I keep pushing my friends away because im very paranoid and accuse them of talking about me and i read situations so diffrently to what they really are but i convince myself i am right. I really need to get to the doctors regarding anxiety as depression is still there , i have become these past 5 months become more anxious and paranoid and prone to panic attacks that seem 2 come on very suddenly. This depression has affected my relationship with the best most important person in my life or not so now. My little 13yr old sister caitlin, we havent spoke for a while now. In the months leading up to this I had become very irritable and would argue with aswell as my boyfriend infront of her over really petty things and probably end up in a state cryin to the point i cudnt breathe properly. Ive also cut off other people for no reason whatsoever partly paranoia maybe as to what they think of me (the dreaded in laws) as my boyfriend has had a complete different upbringin to me , he's had a good one. me-bad! :( .... resentment could be something too! I have done many various qualifactions and completed youth groups , done things im very proud of, had many 'none ever lasting longer than a few months' jobs and cant seem to hold one down but really want to work aswell! frustrating... , not half as much as i used to and am planning on quittin very soon ( i make alot of do-able plans every day bt rarely go ahead ). is a factor more than likely so this is very important to do eventually. All i can do is keep on tryin. I drink myself stupid at time and have always used these 2 factors to cope through life. aswell as the occasional use of other drugs. I would also like to mention about something thats been bothering me regarding hormones .... it seems that when i get too happy, i then plummet into fatigue and depression very rapidly and also before my period i am pretty much bed-bound and evil to others i love , i say evil bcoz i say things to them that shud never hav left my mouth.. I set out to really really hurt them. Hormone imbalance? Thanks to anyone who reads this and replies, Rachel xxx
  2. Wow! Ive just joined today , this is the 2nd post ive looked at and could not believe how very similar alot of ur stories are to mine. I had started to feel that nobody could possibly feel the way i do or understand but u all do dont u nd I am so grateful I can come somewhere n vent , im going 2 do my first post now ... xxx
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