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  1. Hello everyone: My name is D, and I am 33 years old, father of two children ages 12 and 9, and recently seperated after almost 13 years of marriage to my highschool sweetheart. I have been on anti-depressants since age 21 due to panic attacks that started for no particular reason, Dr's have said it was likely stress. At the time I was the father of a 2 yr old son,working for my college degree, and had 2 full time jobs and a part time job bagging groceries. God blessed our family and I graduated as did my wife and we had such a wonderful life as it seemed atleast. In Oct. 2008, I came home from work on a Wed. and my wife told me she was in love with another man and wanted a divorce. I asked her to please hold off on the relationship until the divorce was final but she refused. I moved out voluntarily and waited for the divorce papers to come while staying with my mother. My wife's new love interest didnt work out and after a very short time, he was gone, and I was welcomed back home. Over the past three years I tried to reinvent myself and do whatever it took to make my wife happy, but nothing worked. I later discovered of 2 more affairs with different men, and I started sleeping on our couch in the living room-major depression-feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, self hatred and blame, self loathing and pity, the inability to concentrate and do my job all came at once and over a three year period has destroyed my relationships. I have tried every angle possible from pschiatry, counseling, changing meds, reinventing my personality. It all made me more depressed. I quit participating in family activities. I quit caring about anything, I slept or didnt sleep and began to medicate more and more. My kids were watching the entire time, and I didnt even see what I had done to them by my selfishness. On Dec 08th an incident got out of control and I called law enforcement because of agression from my wife. To make a long story short in the past year I lost control of just about every juncuture in my own personal life. I had several affairs myself thinking it would make me happy-all it did was make me hate myself more. I begged for a divorce, and continued to try and be a "good Dad". After the incident when the police came out my wife took my children and moved out of our home. My 12 year old wont speak to me. My 9 year old daughter is so nervous around me I start to cry when I see her, I am only allowed 2-3 hr a week and due to my depression and battles with substance abuse. I moved out of our home and my wife filed for seperation, I have no custodial rights and feel like I have nothing left to live for, My 12 yr old son is so angry he wont speak to me. I told my wife and begged that I needed to be more involved in their day to day life, but it has fallen on deaf ears. I am living with my brother, and do nothing but work and sleep in my free time. I feel like everything that was good in my life is gone-regardless of fault. I dont care what happens to me professionally or personally. I just want the pain to stop. Please someone help me
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