Hi there, Im 20 year old male. Im not really sure whats wrong or how/if i can be helped. Most of my life has been unhappy id say. But i feel ive spent most of my life as a spectator, watching my life as if on a movie. Never fully in control, but just keeping up appearances so that from a desired perspective all looks well. I grew up with just my mother and sister, as my parents separated when i was too young to remember. Ive never felt normal. I tell small lies, or manipulate the truth to make people think ive had a happy childhood. I fear telling anyone my real life story as theyd probably think i was being dramatic. Maybe rightly so, as things affect me far deeper than i let on. No one knows everything about me. Life was never really happy, At 13 i was suicidal and overweight, 16 I started being bulimic, 17 I was again suicidal, and at 19 i decided to change and the bulimia stopped. By complete luck i managed to scrape the grades to get to University, and am muddling through. No-one knew or helped with the bulimia which i struccles with for 3 years. I just needed to stop. And the depression, despite ruining my education, didnt get me any help. People just thought i was trying to rebel. Since then ive become cold. I have no feeling towards people who were so close to me and didnt try to help. Best friends at the time have since apologised but still dont know the extent of the damage done. Im worried ive become too cold. Its becoming clear that putting the facade of normality no longer works. there are too many cracks. Too many cracks, which, if people get close enough will be impossible to hide. So i lie. "my life is normal just like everyone elses" and keep people distant. Because of this i push away friends when they know too much and im still a virgin. But this is lonely. Ive got through all the depression and bulimia alone but as a result im not keeping up with society. I guess im scared of what people will think of me if they knew. Unlike most guys my age who think quite simply, I think very deeply and analytically, so cant help but to remember these times. And still everything has a gloomy undertone, ive just got used to it. Even when i act happy, it never raises the mood deep down. Seems i just live to make the movie of my life appear happy. To myself as a spectator and anyone else.