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ThoughtsSpinning

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  1. Hello guys, I would like to ask those of you who are more knowledgeable about depression if I am... depressed. It's a bit of a complicated story but I really give my gratitude to those who have the heart to read through it. Recently I have taken a break from my university on a depression leave, but in the back of my mind I never believed that I was depressed. My marks were dipping and I could not find the motivation to keep up because I was so far behind in my classes. The reason was that I simply could not get myself to open a book. I used to be a perfectionistic A student, but ever since I was enrolled in the advanced IB program in my highschool (from pressure under my parents) the difficulty started to cause me to cope with the stress by simply making myself stop caring about my marks. I feared looking at homework questions because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it, and so I started to advoid homework. I (I hope I do not sound like I am bragging) am a little on the bright side so I was able to get into my local university despite the academic wreck that I became. However, instead of the new environment changing my new habits like I had hoped, instead I landslided into an even worse state and attended classes knowing almost no material throughout the term. This of course resulted in me obtaining pretty much fails in all my classes. Throughout this, I entered a state of numbness towards stress. I would not allow myself to feel stress because I feared it would overwhelm me, but to do so I pretended that looking at the homework (which I developed a fear towards) was optional. My days were spent lying on my bed the entire day looking at my iPad and refusing to look at my work, as well as the continued numbness and inability to feel stressed or the URGENCY needed for me to work. By this time I was almost begging myself to feel even a little urgency so I would not fail and be kicked out from university, but I could not feel stress anymore. I tried forcing myself to read the text, but I could not concentrate and I would put it down sooner or later. I talked with my doctor and he sympathized with my failing grades, and thus he gave me a slip for depression and I went onto temporary academic leave. The thing is, I didn't believe his diagnosis. I believed that it was out of sympathy so I could restart my year, since I have known him for a long time. I never had suicidal thoughts and I am usually a calm person. But recently I have been wondering. I wonder if my lack of motivation towards homework was really because of a depression that had set in during IB. During highschool IB I would carry stupid little items with me, such as a booklet of fish stickers or fuzzy keychains. I never used to do this and my friends laughed at my silliness while I laughed with them. But on the inside I used it as a source of childish comfort for my collapsing self esteem. In these days spent recuperating at home, I've had a lot of time to think. When I go out with my friends or am on the computer, I don't feel unhappy or sad, I act perfectly normal. I laugh, I joke, I smile. And it is not faked. But when I am away from outside stimuli and it is night time and everything is calm, I start to wonder about the futility of my life. Sometimes I draw existential sketches. I have no passion in my life, usually I feel numb or lifeless. I think about going out because of boredom at home, but then I realize I am just as bored outside. I've always been a bit of an introvert so staying at home is not a new thing to me. However, I don't feel sad or suicidal. I still can feel happy or sad depending on events. There are things that are surprising me such as the sudden lack of appetite. I used to eat a lot and quickly, but now I am surprised how little I eat before I am very full. I have also been having sleeping problems, I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes or I would pull all nighters simply because I did not feel like sleeping at all. Sometimes I feel fidgety lying on the bed as if I have too much energy. As a side note: When I am out with my friends I am usually extremely low energy, I get tired from walking and I feel like a zombie, sometimes I say stupid things because I am too tired to process the conversations properly. I've always been somewhat low energy around the time I entered IB. I concluded that these were all from lack of exercise or leaving the house, and therefore I have too much pent up energy. However, when I searched online these were all symptoms of depression. --- I really have no clue now if I am depressed, and I am seriously starting to consider that maybe I really am. For those of you here, is my lack of motivation simply because I have procrastination addiction, am I just lazy, or am I depressed? All responses are much appreciated, and just for reading this, thank you.
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