I apologize that this is going to be a really long post but I think it's important to explain some things in detail so that hopefully others can relate to the situation and get a little piece of mind. I feel that my story is a little different from the majority of threads I've read regarding obsessions with people and I understand these feelings and patterns are a majorly unhealthy problem. I’m currently 22 years old and around 7 years ago I got into my first ever relationship with a girl which turned out to be an awful experience. At the time I was blindly infatuated with her and put up with being emotionally and physically used and abused by her time and time again. She always refused to be in an 'official' relationship with me and would never actually call me her boyfriend, despite being affectionate and having sex with me all of the time when we were together. It made me feel completely inadequate and like she was embarrassed of me. On top of this she hooked up with numerous other guys and didn't seem to care how it made me feel. I should have ended it but I was unbelievably naive and completely un-aware of how I should be behaving as it was all new to me. It went on for about a year in total, during which I felt anxious and paranoid. I couldn't bring myself to stop seeing her and kept going back only to receive more and more heartache. To cut a long story short the worst part of what happened is that I never once spoke about it to anybody and completely bottled it up. I actually blamed myself for the whole thing and was so ashamed, rather than viewing myself as being a victim. I've recently come to the conclusion that something must have happened within my subconscious mind that has blocked any interest in anybody since. I haven't been romantically or sexually involved with anybody for 7 years since that happened. Although until recently I didn't think it was a problem or that it even bothered me. I felt like I didn't need that intimacy. I also became, what I think is unhealthily isolated and become extremely lonely, losing the interest in forming bonds. Although that part is the back-story. I feel that it plays a huge part in what has happened since... The events I'll explain next, aren't the cause of the obsession, but they're some of the things that have happened because of it. I suffer with nearly all of the obsessive symptoms that i've read about in similar threads. Around three years ago I met an amazing guy who became my best friend. I couldn't believe how similar we were and quickly felt a deep connection with him despite not seeing each other often because of living apart. He's a little younger than me and in the beginning; he kind of looked up to and admired me. He dressed like me and began heavily modeling his appearance on me. I understood that wasn't entirely healthy, but I just loved the attention. We used to text each other every day and talk about pretty much everything. However... slightly over a year ago he got with his first serious girlfriend who he became absolutely infatuated with and constantly thought about. I didn't like what had happened and felt like he had gone against what I thought were his beliefs. While he was with her, even though we chatted often, I became increasingly unhappy and uncomfortable with him being with her. I didn't like feeling like that and knew it was irrational, but couldn't help it or identify why. The thought of them together made me really agitated and anxious, almost betrayed. I had a few outbursts against some things he did and after a long chat, for the first time I opened up to him about what had happened to me in the past and I began to think I had gotten to the source of a lot of my feelings. However now I don't believe that was the case although it has played a large part. I thought that by totally repressing my feelings about what happened to me, I had developed a real animosity towards relationships, especially when people close to me got into them. After our chat I started to feel better and although it was difficult, I did a lot of thinking and began to understand where those feelings were coming from and attempted to overcome it. Everything since that had been pretty good although I still felt uncomfortable with his current relationship. I was dealing with things better until a recent event that came completely out of the blue and really shook me up big time. I visited him recently and we just hung out as normal. One night we got very drunk and he seemed to become really excited and told me that he wanted to tell me something. He sat me down and confessed to me that he sometimes thinks of me sexually. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and was in complete shock. I don't remember much of what happened but the next thing I remember is that we were on top of each other, very passionately kissing each other. When it came to an end we both said 'what just happened?' and laughed about it. As the night progressed though, it happened a few more times. Later in the night we both woke up and I put my arm around him and started to drift back off to sleep. However he made advances on me. Although that wasn't what I was after doing, I wen't through with it for a while, he tried to get intimate with me but I refused and didn't want him to touch me. I don't know why I did that and it didn't arouse me, but I guess I thought he might enjoy it. That was all that happened but in the morning when we spoke about it he became pretty defensive and claimed that 'he was just missing his girlfriend'. A couple of nights later, I put my arm around him again like before but he said that he didn't want me to do that and turned away which I found really hurtful. I just wanted to feel close to him. He again claimed that it was because he missed his girlfriend. My dilemma is that I don't think of my friend sexually. But I do feel extremely strongly about him, which concerns me no end. That incident happened quite a while a go and made me feel some of the lowest emotions I've ever felt (Almost identical to those I experienced in my first relationship). I eventually started to move past it though and focus on other things and started to feel better and as I did so my obsession with him weakened quite a bit. However I visited him recently and although nothing of that nature happened I feel very similarly to how I felt about him then. I am extremely confused and those feelings of being unwanted and used have returned too. I've been recommended to completely cut ties with him and move on with my life, but I know that isn't the answer because I've felt similarly (although nowhere near as intensely) about other people in the past and I think it will just happened again with somebody else if I take that approach. Have the years of denying physical intimacy caused me to redirect my repressed emotions towards my friend maybe? I feel like I just want to be close to him and be loved by him. Also, what is going on with my friend? He was terrified about his girlfriend cheating on him, yet he did exactly that. I am so confused right now and would really appreciate somebody’s outside opinion on the situation. Thanks for reading!