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lostandmiserable

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Everything posted by lostandmiserable

  1. Thought things were okay, felt good(depression is always there, but I was feeling better than usual), even made a wish list of items or things I would like to have or learn. I got through the anniversary of my mothers death without losing it. Thought that was pretty significant (honestly I am suppressing any emotions associated with it so I don't have to deal, but I didn't lose it). My oldest son stopped by this morning to give me a big hug and more or less say goodbye. He and his friend are moving out of town about 4 hours away. Seems like no big deal, but I got so much on my plate right now that it sideswiped me emotionally. I feel as if he is so far away and "doesn't exist", why would I feel that?! My middle is still leaving the state in May right after graduation and it is ******* me to let both boys go. No matter how hard I worked over the years to make this a reality and option for them, no one told me it would freakin' hurt so much. So today I keep getting hit with downs, then I will feel sort of okay but still bleh. I could very easily bury my face in a pillow and cry my eyes out! The only way I can explain it is that I feel as if I am melting inside. My therapist, whom I haven't seen for like 3 weeks because of paperwork with ins, told me to change my focus. I have chronic pain and sometimes the pain is way worse than others. I know I will never get better. Focus on something other than hurting or limitations. But be aware of limitations so I don't hurt myself by overdoing things. How? What do I focus on? I have all but lost interest in anything I once liked, today I slept as if I haven't slept in a week (probably haven't been getting any real rest), and I feel so run down. I end up having paradoxical reactions to antidepressants and D*** near all meds....meaning they work backwards. I am more depressed and very suicidal if I am on something, but my moods swing back and forth if I am not. It is just really hard sometimes, and I don't know what will trigger it. My BF notices when I am down (gee how hard is that one?) and asks a list of questions trying to find an answer maybe I didn't think about. I know he is trying to help but I get annoyed because I can't explain that I am bawling my eyes out for no reason...with men there has to be a reason so they can fix it. Not everything can be fixed. He has gone so far as to tell me to get my s*** together and figure out what I want out of life. How can I do that when I don't even know myself?? I have this amazing opportunity to recreate myself as a person, not just a mom anymore, I have one left at home but so much time to spend concentrating on just me. What do I want to do? What do I want? What do I like? Who do I want to become? Practically my entire life was spent taking care of other people...mom, kids, husband, bf, critters, friends, but rarely myself. I don't know how to do that and it scares me. Who am I? How do I become the person I am supposed to be when I don't even know what trips my trigger (in a positive way)? I don't want people thinking I am miserable all the time, hurt constantly, and have to be handled with kid gloves. I don't know, I just feel lost right now.
  2. Welcome...you are not alone. I am sorry your relationship hurt you. Your feelings are valid and the pressure to be happy is sometimes overwhelming. You say you don't have any reason to be sad. Sometimes there is no reason. Sometimes we spin in circles trying to grasp a way to be that happy person everyone...or just us...thinks we should be. Let me say one thing Happiness is Subjective. Your happy may not be my happy, and vice versa. Don't let that dictate what you find joy in! If you can, please look into counseling, it really does help. If the first person isn't a match for you, don't feel obligated to stay with them. Find someone who will help you, that you feel comfortable with, and safe too. *hug* I really hope you find some release and comfort here among us.
  3. to everyone. Today was better, haven't cried, and have talked my self silly. LOL skipping last nights dose at least made me a bit manic. Am calling my doc in the morning because it was too late to call today since i slept so long and talking with SO was so enjoyable I just couldn't shut up. I have to say I have been sitting here for I would say almost 2 straight years not knowing where to turn except to agree to counseling. Why they insist on those stupid cliche talks is beyond me. As if I don't already know I have to try and look on the bright side, or like Mea said about her divorce. Geez I don't expect to be treated with kid gloves but c'mon at least pretend you were paying attention in psych class. I also know they are there to help you heal yourself, but sometimes a person needs a bit more than "you can do it". I think I finally found a place that can help with those moments the doc just doesn't get. Thank you so much!
  4. Thank you both....I am not working, was a stay at home mom until things started taking a turn and we were falling behind and I was looking for work but like you said none was to be had. I have to be honest with them as well about how much I can stand, lift, bend, kneel, etc. There are other people that are reliable and dependable, I don't fault an employer for not taking a chance on me in this day and age. I get so easily overwhelmed that even a grocery store trip on a crowded day (have tried different days and times and am thinking I will have to start trying to do this very early AM) can semd me into an anxiety filled tailspin. I know the pain part won't go away, I have to learn to live within my limits, find things I like NOW instead of thinking of what I liked THEN. It is so hard because THEN seemed so much happier. I told him last night that I didn't want to lose him but I also didn't feel it was fair for him to stay if I am making him miserable. He is still here. In counseling today all I could do is cry. I practically begged him to help me fix what is wrong. All I got was "do something positive every day. Even if you don't feel like it, do it anyway". I say "all I got" but in reality that is good advice, except to a person who feels so hopeless. I did admit to him, after making sure he understood I did not have a plan, that I often thought about not existing anymore. It's strange but I really think I confuse him. I guess since my SO is still here and we are talking...I am trying sooo hard to be mindful of my tone, my words, my body language....that we are going to try and stick it out? God love him he has patience. I know he loves me dearly, I may not understand why, but I know he does. I like the list ideas and the discussion of the day. I am going to ask if that is something he would be interested in trying. It would make me more aware and maybe understand things from his point of view, in a positive way, and I can learn to communicate better with him. It gets better at some point right? At least to be able to get through the day without crying your eyes out?? They say there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will just have to take their word for it because it is really difficult to see it right now. I am trying not to cry and laugh at the same time hearing my counselors voice saying in so many words to look on the bright side. I also have to call my doctor about meds. Something struck a chord in me last night about something SO had said a while back, and had asked me during our argument if there was some chance that like the commercials warn you, could the meds be making me more depressed. I immediately started digging for information and found that there is an actual name for this and it really does happen! It has happened to me so often while trying to find something that even sort of works but I didn't know it was real. It is called Paradoxical Reaction. Think Nyquil making someone hyper instead of knocking them out. I had joked about how medications I was Rxed would seem to work backwards with me but always blew it off because I had to stop taking whatever it was. When I asked my counselor about this, he had never heard of it and told me to talk to my doctor. *sigh* At least I know it has a name and that I am not crazy for being more depressed on antidepressants. Not sure what to do about it but will call in tomorrow to discuss it with my regular doctor (think I mentioned it but she is handling my meds because the mental health place I go to just did not understand what I was going through physically as well as mentally. Regular doc doesn't understand the mental side all that well but has an idea and does understand the physical side). Thank you both for the input and ideas. I really appreciate it!
  5. New here but not new to depression. This may be long but will try to keep it as short as possible to make sense. I have had problems with depression and anxiety ever since I was quite young, we are talking 5-6 years old I can remember symptoms and reactions from family members. Flash forward and I tried to hide the dark with other substances, and it worked. That high, that sense of great self esteem, being able to complete tasks and accomplish so much. That phase of my life didn't last long because I became a mother. Things were still up and down, but didn't break until I was about 2 or so years into my 1st marriage. Couldn't figure out why all I wanted to do was sleep in a very dark room, couldn't figure out why just taking care of my very young children's needs was the only thing keeping me from sleeping constantly or crying constantly. I finally was diagnosed with major depression. Now as a kid and a preteen my mom tried seeking help for me but was told I would be starting my period soon, it was normal. And the other said it was just my personality and I would have to learn to live with it...holy s*** what kid wants to be that miserable and have bad thoughts running through their heads and be told to learn to live with it?!?! So at the breaking point in my 20s I started the medication merry-go-round to find a fit for me and to help me function. After a few tries it seemed to work. More good days than bad, life went on. Ex got sick, ex got better, ex and I moved when he found a new job, ex soon kicked me and my children out of our house. He was seeing someone else. Back on the meds. Somehow divorce doesn't **** you even though it feels like it should (think that is from Under The Tuscan Sun?). I met someone and we hit it off and we became a couple...a family of sorts because I had three young kids (he has none). I got into a comfortable place in my life and the downs were very short and the highs or normals were long. Awesome right? Starting in 05 I experienced a string of very traumatic and emotional heartaches. This is so cliche but my dog passed away and it hurt so bad that I felt an empty place inside. I dealt with it by making his grave a beautiful place of wildflowers that filled with life and love. He would have loved watching the butterflies. To this day it still hurts. The following year, almost exactly a year later, I was struck by a rare auto immune disorder that took me from 36 and active and healthy and pretty darn happy and hopeful to feeling 70 with chronic pain, weakness, med sensitivity (cant take the stuff to help ease the nerve pain by the way, my body didn't like it), and was sent home from the hospital with "nothing is wrong, you need to seek mental help". WTH?! I knew something was wrong, but no matter who I called or what I did for three months of total fear and personal hell no one would see me no one would take me seriously. I could barely walk, go to the bathroom, should not have been driving but really had no other choice since I was the taxi for several kids. The fear inside of me was so intense that I don't think I can explain it. Once I finally got in to see someone, they confirmed my diagnosis based on what I told them how it started and what i went through. A nerve test confirmed it as well. Unfortunately there was nothing they could do for me at that time, my body would or would not heal. I have been living with chronic pain since then, and also found out very close to the hard way that I am allergic to codeine, so docs are not exactly handing out anything to help when things get really bad. I was then diagnosed with fibro. Wow pain on top of pain on top of physical limitations that can vary from day to day or even hour to hour. Following year my mother passed away suddenly. It took the rug out from under me. My siblings turned on each other and the family fell apart. My family and i moved away. New beginnings a good thing right? It seemed that way in spite of the pain and not knowing what to do about it. Still don't have pain management because I have reacted negatively to just about everything except Xanax, flexeril (not sure how this is supposed to help with pain because it doesnt), and I thought wellbutrin. It seems that the wellbutrin is not working. It seems it makes me more depressed. My SO is so close to packing his bags and leaving me because of my self hatred and negativity and depression. I don't know what to do. I am seeing a counselor but it doesnt seem to be helping. I am afraid of trying anything new med wise because I don't know if the next one will **** me. I have had a cardiac episode with cymbalta, so I cant even touch lyrica because they are closely related so that gives you an idea of what I mean. Also, last year I learned that my suspiscions were right and my DD has Aspegers. It isn't like anything she is doing is brand new since her diagnosis, it is the things she is doing that made me raise an eyebrow and start research years ago to try and figure out what was going on. She seemed perfectly normal, strong willed and stubborn, very smart, had friends, etc. When we moved....the friends she had in grade school and the teachers and routine were things she grew up with so it was a known----she started a new school with new kids and teachers and routines and things started really showing. She will "lie" about how much she had to eat when the plate of leftovers is empty and no one else in the house has touched it. She will say she had "2" which as far as I can figure in her mind is completely true regardless that she took ALL that was on the plate, because she did indeed only eat two things. I can not get this through SO others head so he has labled her a liar. He will not budge on the subject. I feel alone with her and I feel I have to protect her like I always have but even more now. I try to keep things as normal as possible so she doesn't have a melt down, and I don't want what she does or how she thinks to be "is that an Aspergers thing or did they misdiagnose her?" (yes this has happened) I don't want to lose him but I dont want him miserable either. The depression has gotten worse over the past couple of years. I can only assume it is due to the things that happened in my life and all the other crap we dredge up from childhood finally just backhanded me across that thin line between sanity and insanity. We argue so much that I can't even find words to say. I just sit there and end up crying because it all hurts so much. Couples counseling...didn't go so well, he wants ME fixed so WE can be fixed. ?? This confuses me. I feel as if my voice has been taken away because I seem to be incapable of saying the proper things or communicating in a rational way...it gets to that point when I feel as if nothing I do is right and nothing IS right and everything is falling apart because of me. If only I could give him some tiny bit of hope to hold onto that would let him know I still love him and want him, but I can't even find my own hope to hold onto. I feel as if there is no way out of this depression, I have lost interest in everything I enjoyed. I prefer not to have friends because I am unreliable and often have to break plans or can not make plans because I don't know what I will be feeling like. I have to take things moment by moment, day by day. Shouldn't let my "illness" own me, but what I can't seem to get my SO or anyone else to understand is that I have tried ignoring it, have tried pushing myself, have tried that what doesn't **** ya makes you stronger stuff. The arguing and knowing it is because of me has deepend the depression. Knowing he is about to leave kills me inside. Yet I can't tell him this. I don't know why except I feel it is unfair to ask him to stay, to continue to put up with me, to keep doing this over and over and over. I feel selfish for hurting, for being depressed, for putting the people I love through all my misery and self hatred. I have thought of telling SO that we are done, over, through. I have thought of sending the kids to their dads....well my DD because my middle DS is almost 18...and then just leaving. Where would I go? I have no money, can't work, SSI doesn't believe me on any of my stated problems (they arent severe enough to keep me from functioning or working), and in reality I really dont want any of this to happen. I want to be a family, a happy family, I want to be normal and be able to do something other than exude misery on everyone (yes I have been told I do this), cry all the time, want to be left alone. What do I do?!?! Help me please. I am so lost. and everyone around me is so alone and miserable because of me.
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