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rag

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About rag

  • Birthday 11/14/1986

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  1. I figured if I did that it'd be one less thing on my mind. Every time I step over a pile of clothes or have to be careful about knocking over the empty cups and alcohol bottles, I feel a little annoyed at myself for letting it get that way, so it's a relief.
  2. Hi Koan It sounds to me like you are depressed, but you should probably go to see your GP, especially if you're self-harming and contemplating suicide. Your GP should prescribe you some medication and put you in touch with the mental health services in your area. Depression isn't always caused by a triggering event, and even when it is, the event doesn't necessarily need to be traumatic. In your case I would guess that it started when you left school and got worse with your mates not being around anymore. While neither of them sounds like a big deal, they're actually big changes in your life and have left you with nothing to fill the void with. It's common for instance, for people who retire to suffer from depression on retirement because they don't know what to do with themselves anymore and it stresses them out (my grandfather actually had a heart attack about a week after he stopped working). The exercise is a good place to start, maybe you could turn fitness into a hobby and start thinking more and reading about it, but you should probably try harder to get a job too, or maybe look at doing a course in something. They will give you something to occupy your mind with, get you out of the house, and when you set achievable goals for yourself and accomplish them you will start to feel better and take more pride in yourself. I don't really like my job very much, but at least when I'm working I don't have the time to think about the stuff that gets me upset.
  3. @Acrowley: I don't believe in god, or fate or any grand plan to give me a reason to exist, so I've found some and conjured up a few of my own over the years. I've added you as a friend, so if you ever get stuck on the whole "meaning of life" stuff just PM me and I might be able to give you a new perspective or something. There was a line from Angel (the TV show) I've always liked, it goes "If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do.".
  4. You're pretty much on the right track here. Some people are just flat out unreasonable - her kid broke your car, and your husband was right to tell him off for it. You didn't have to let the boy play in your yard, but you were nice enough to let him. You're not the bad guy here. I know it's hard to remember to do this, but when you see her ignoring you, just smile and think of how silly and childish she's acting.
  5. what do you mean by living a lie? the only way i can think of to take that is someone lieing to themselves. which we all do at times. I mean that people generally don't ask questions about their own existence, about morality, and about themselves and their actions, and basically just conform to their culture. So it's best not to dwell on it and focus on my own happiness.
  6. Update: My room is tidy and I'm proud of myself for doing it. I'm glad I stopped procrastinating, I'm glad the guilt is gone, and I like looking around and seeing that it looks nice. It's easy to forget how important that little sense of satisfaction can be.
  7. I get that. I get depressed sometimes because I think I'm the only one who doesn't realise we're all living a lie. Sometimes I hate myself because I can't do that, and sometimes I hate everyone else because they can't see it too. The important thing to remember is that when you're happy, it doesn't matter, so if you tell yourself it doesn't matter, maybe you can be happy. We all have things we like and don't like without having any rational reason for it. I love listening to rock music loud, I love playing it on guitar, I love drawing and working on things until they're perfect. Other people don't find those things appealing at all. You don't need to be able to explain something to enjoy it, so why not apply that to life itself? I know there's no greater purpose behind anything, and I know there's a lot of bad things in the world, but when I nail something on guitar after practising hard on it for months, I'm too pleased to care. So I keep doing it, and every time I accomplish something I feel better about myself. And if you see things for how they really are, then you can use your perceptiveness to be successful. You gotta want it.
  8. I tend to be a bit messy, yeah. My bedroom and my especially my car are usually really messy. Not so sure if it's down to the depression though. My car's an old piece of s*** and I usually don't have passengers (I usually clean it out for passengers, especially my little sister), so I don't really bother with it. My room however is mostly due to me having other stuff I want to do; I'll get the urge to play guitar, or go on my computer and forget to put things away. I think it's a good idea to clean up though. I've been trying to get myself to do it for about two weeks. As I get older I'm starting to realise that the key to most things (including beating depression) is organisation, and I think my living space is a good place to start.
  9. Well, I texted her to say "there's a letter in there too, incase you miss it", and turns out she's visiting her parents, which at least calmed me down. It ******* sucks because I got some really good news this week and it's tainted by the fact that I've alienated the only person I can celebrate with. I just want to see her and make her smile like I used to.
  10. I'm not really sure. I've never consciously called in sick with it, but it's the main reason why I dropped out of University (after missing most of my lectures and some exams), got fired from the first job I had after I dropped out, and causes my insomnia which means I'm frequently late or don't show up at all. The insomnia is the biggest issue for me because when I finally am able to sleep, I'm so tired that nothing wakes me up.
  11. It's embarrassing yes, and for me,so is having a person who is a few years younger than me (the mental health nurse) listen to all my childish insecurities and even see me cry as I lament having no friends. But, at the end of the day, who cares as long as it makes it better? I'd rather endure that than spend the rest of my life wishing I was dead and trying to make it happen.
  12. Hi climbk Getting over break ups and the like is hard and it takes time, and there isn't anything anyone can do about that. The best advice I can think to give you is to try to remember what made you feel life worth living when you were last single, maybe even sit down with a piece of paper and try to write it down (it tends to make me think harder). The hardest thing for me when I'm depressed is to remember what it felt like when I wasn't, and why. I'd also recommend asking for another medication. I didn't get on with citalopram either (I don't know why they prescribed it for someone with chronic insomnia), but there may be another drug that you'll find easier to live with.
  13. I've had an argument recently with one of my closest friends. She said she doesn't want to see me again for a while, but doesn't know how long. It's a big deal for me. I moved down here 4 years ago after dropping out of university, and I've never developed a network of friends, or anyone I felt I could really talk to, until this girl, who I met through my mother, decided to invite me out because she thought it sucked that I had nobody to celebrate my birthday with. I've always been a bit of a loner, I'm not sure why. I made one really awesome friend at university, but he lives far away and he's difficult to reach most of the time. I've made other friends over the years, but lost touch with them. Nobody has any reason to want to see me I guess. Anyway, I really got on well with this girl and we've been hanging out with each other regularly ever since, and I could even talk to her about my issues with depression because she's been through it too. But I had an episode a couple of weeks ago where I turned a small disagreement into something big and went completely over the top, to the point where she was scared that I might hurt her (though I never even considered it). I was completely out of line, and this was the second time in as many weeks that I'd done this. When she told me she didn't want to see me again for a while I felt devastated, and it made me look at what I was doing. I wrote her a lengthy apology letter explaining this, and that I'm working on my issues and put it through her letterbox a couple of hours ago along with a DVD I'd borrowed. I texted her later saying "I put that DVD through your letterbox", making no mention of the apology letter. I got no reply. So now I'm sitting here just worrying about it all - Did she not see the letter in the envelope? Did she see it and throw it in the bin anyway? Did she read it and still not want to reply? Or is she just out? It's only been a couple of hours, but I just want to know if it's going to be OK. I don't know what else to do, and I can't stop thinking about it.
  14. Yeah, ironically I forgot to put in my original post that the writing things down also helps me remember things, just like studying for a test at school. I've had countless epiphanies that I've forgotten about the next day because I thought I wouldn't forget something so special, so I'm trying to make more of an effort to remember my own thoughts, and my CBT training. An interesting thought I had today was that this is is something people have known about for a long time, which is perhaps why the Abrahamic religions all practice some form of confession.
  15. The rules about hospitalisation and confidentiality, as well as the way the way the psych professionals behave will vary from country to country. My experience (in the UK) has been pretty good. When I first went I was half expecting them to declare me a psychopath and put me in a straight jacket. But, part of being depressed is that you always convince yourself that the worst possible outcome is the most likely, and you're probably worrying too much. I seriously doubt that you'll be hospitalised on your first visit, but you should check the rules about confidentiality for people your age in Ireland before you go, and double check with the therapist before you start talking. Health professionals in Western countries like ours are usually under strict rules about what they can and can't do, so your therapist would probably get in a lot of trouble if he/she lies to you. There are also lots of legal and money related issues around hospitalisation that means they'll only use it in the most dire of cases. The odds are, the person you'll see will have dealt with lots of cases like yours before, and will know what to do. If it's anything like my experience, they'll ask you a lot of questions about how you feel, what you do with yourself, your relationships with family and friends, and if there's anything that triggers your depression, then give you some information on how to start solving your problems, and book another appointment. The more you tell them, the more they have to work with.
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