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mmm365

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  1. I am so deflated. I want to throw up all the time since it was decided and hide under my bed. I feel so hurt that fellow Americans are so hate filled, ignorant, or self-centred to have possibly thought he was the right choice. It's a very real trigger for my depression feeling like I'm losing faith in humanity, so SO hard to stay in the light. Not meaning to be discouraging but thank you for speaking out. Just wanted to say I'm with you, even tho I have no solution either. ??
  2. Thanks Jehoikim, that's a great idea. Part of my worry is the fatigue i get, and having to force myself out of bed so this is a really good suggestion thanks.
  3. How do you decide when you're well enough to return to work? Financial factors aside, from a purely health point of view - do you have a rule of thumb you use with yourself? Like feeling more balanced for 1-2 weeks straight? Or not having a crying episode for a set period like 2 weeks? Or a month of feeling good? I know there's not set rule on this and everyone is different, but I'm struggling to figure out if I'm well enough, and have been off work for a few months. My doctor is suggesting a lot more time off which I normally defer to, but they're also giving me a lot of choice in the decision to go back so would appreciate hearing other people's experiences with returning to work when their depression has been tamed/goes dormant/lies low/has a temporary reprieve etc. I'm struggling with the guilt of being off (feeling the usual sense of failure and uselessness etc.) so don't want that to drive my decision if I can avoid it. Thanks all, Mmm365
  4. Hi all - I wondered if anyone has experienced depression during pregnancy? I'm up and down, and getting professional care, but I've been suffering for a few months now and there is SO much online to help with post-natal depression, but not nearly as much for peri-natal depression so I'm starting to feel quite alone on this, so wondered if anyone had experiences to share or advice?
  5. Hi Jess - so sorry you're feeling this way. Have you spoken to him specifically about your feeling him pulling away or checking out? I'm in a long-term relationship with a man who's seen it all with me. Sometimes I am 100% convinced 'he's fed up, going to leave me, it's too much for him' and then after telling him my worries, learn that it's the black dog of depression severely clouding my judgement and he's just had a bad day at work, or is tired himself, or more often than not, he's just plain worried and unsure about how to handle my moods. Sometimes, he IS legitimately frustrated or fed up with my negativity and my mood (understandable, he's human) but I take this as a big fat red flag for me that I need to get my professional help initiated, or ask for help otherwise. I think loving your man so strongly could definitely be the reason for the proportionate levels of fear, but hopefully there's a way to turn that into motivation to get help, or keep up whatever strategies you need to use to stay/get well ! I hope it works out Jess!
  6. Yes definitely to experience with mild depression for me. In fact, most months, aligned with my hormonal cycle I manage mild depression. Occasionally I need to take a day or two off work to manage it. I treat it like I have 'depressive flu' so rest, cancel plans, eat nourishing food, do nice self-care things for myself like baths or a haircut, and try if possible some gentle yoga or walking and this usually helps. Occasionally I have episodes of worse, moderate depression in there that has more extreme thoughts and behaviour associated with it too. During mild cycles of depression I am tearful, TOTALLY fatigued (like not able to walk even a few minutes without needing a nap), withdrawn and not wanting to speak to anyone, hating myself, feeling like a complete failure and inevitable guilt with it too. sounds pretty similar to the other experiences shared above too. No suicidal thoughts or self-harm in these periods. Those are reserved for the very special 'big ones' every now and again (!). Edit: Realised I didn't fully answer your question. For my mild bouts I don't need anti-depressants (anymore, I did for many years) but I use Xanax or Zolpidem/Ambien (separately not together) only as needed depending on if my sleep is an issue or anxiety. I also will book in with my CBT therapist if things are getting really bad and this ALWAYS helps, every....single...time!
  7. Absolutely, and I identify with this in my own depression. My perfectionistic tendencies, combined with the well-intentioned comments that I had amazing potential as a child, could be anything I wanted to be etc. - have actually somewhat backfired I think...when my 'lifeplan' (which was subconscious btw - hadn't even been aware of it) went a different route several years ago, I had my first full-fledge depressive breakdown and burnout. Lots of issues led to that point but the realisation that life was not taking me on the path I'd expected was a major, MAJOR trigger for me! Not that I was going to be a rock star or had super grand expectations, I still had to re-examine my own concept of 'success' and what that meant to me...I'm still doing it many years on to check myself...
  8. I unloaded the dishwasher and made plans to meet a friend... #itsthelittlethings Well done to everyone on here
  9. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCUyG1WNN1AlRwetakKG2Usg

    This is my channel. I have depression also. If you don´t mind, let´s talk through the comments. I can't talk to people face to face!

  10. Hi all, I've been having another (moderate/mild) depressive episode for a few months now. I'm used to having low dips in mood and learned a whole host of tools to manage it. I even came off medicine several years ago, and have been managing my frequent mood dips. However I'm pregnant this time (1st time) which I'm sure is a huge, HUGE part of why this one has been the toughest episode since I was hospitalised once about 8 years ago. I've been signed off work by my GP/doctor since the beginning of Feb. I work in an office setting and I was very uncomfortable taking the time off at first but have realised it's exactly what I needed (along with other treatment of course). I'm not taking medicine yet as I feel I'm not quite bad enough to balance the risk with pregnancy, but have had this offered. I'd say i'm moderately depressed, and have only had flashes of suicidal thoughts (in the darkest moments only, not acting on it or made any plans). In the last 5 days have had 3 days of low mood and 'breakdowns' of crying and feeling helpless etc. My low dips are getting a little lower as time goes on, but then of course, I have some really excellent days when I feel good, hopeful and even happy. I am usually very happy to be expecting too which helps. It's times like now, when I'm home relaxing and feeling generally ok I start thinking - shouldn't I be working then? Aren't I ok? But obviously can't tell if tomorrow, or even later today, I'll be triggered and lose it! The unpredictability of recovery has really got me confused. My question is this, how do I know when I'm ready to be back at work? Is it a case of going for 1-2 weeks 'clear' with no breakdowns? Or just one breakdown in a week? I know it can't be quantified so simply but I'd like to try to find one... My doctors are recommending more time off (which is what I definitely usually defer to! with one saying I'd likely need another 1-2months), but they are also allowing a huge sense of choice in this for me so I wondered how other depressive people make this decision? I like the idea of empowerment over my own recovery, but i'm overwhelmed at the seemingly big choice of going back to work. I wish it weren't me having to make these choices and last time I had extended sick leave from a work environment many years ago, my psychiatrist was making more of this kind of call because I was so new to it and in a hospital setting etc. (I also have different medical support this time). Work is so far supportive, although I have horrible guilt leaving all my work for my boss and colleague. And all the usual awful feelings of failure and inadequacy that the feeling brings. They've offered me a phased return which is great and I think being pregnant they are being extra, especially understanding. It's my first time taking time off at this company so I'm lucky to not have to worry too much about the practicalities as they are still paying me beyond the sick policy (!). My concern is my maternity leave is around the corner (end of July) so if I'm off another month off and I'll barely be there before I'm off again. I should say I am not particularly career-minded but I'd like to keep options open for going back post-baby and of course there is the financial side of things to consider! My rational side of me thinks my baby is my first priority (it is) and so I should just stay off for as long as I can/need to also try and pre-empt post-natal depression, but I'm still conflicted - I suppose it's guilt and shame of not being well enough to be normal (as usual!!). Sorry for long post but again - for those of you that are frequent depressives - I would love to know how you know you're well? Or decide you're well enough to work? Thanks all... -mmm365
  11. This rings true for me...keep wishing I were tougher especially in a workplace. My empathy and sensitivity is a skill though, and one that cannot be taught, so I try to keep reminding myself that. Hard to do when I cry at the slightest hint of criticism! One thing that really did help me was, ironically, an anger management course. It's not only for those that are excessively or overtly angry, but for those that are extremely uncomfortable around it too. So the criticism and other harsh things people say or raised voices that you mention for example, all made/make me uncomfy too and the anger management helped a little too so thought I'd suggest that. But mostly, you're not alone in this and I'm glad to know I'm not either so thanks for posting! x Edit: just to add too that I was lucky enough not to be raised in an overtly angry or abusive setting, very caring one in fact - I'm just hugely empathetic. Used to feel guilty about that (i.e. how can i be so sensitive when I've had a nice upbringing) but I realise that it's usually the depressive symptom of guilt driving that for me. That said I can only imagine how heightened this must be for someone overly exposed the anger and shouting etc growing up so am sending you healing thoughts!
  12. Oh man...do I ever understand! Thanks for posting this because this thought plagues me. How DO people find the energy to work full time?? To be motivated? To stay motivated? Am I just a lazy do-nothing?? Ugh. I feel so so guilty SO often when comparing myself. This isn't me irrationally comparing myself unrealistically...it's looking at close peers and family who I know well and seeing how they manage to do it just fine. I sleep 8-12 hours and am too tired to even sit and meditate sometimeS! End up feeling so very worthless because of it....especially when my other half bounces out of bed at 6am happy and rested and walks the dog, has a full day at the office and comes home to me on the sofa unable to move struggling to say what I've achieved with my day at home. I left the corporate world because I could not handle the lifestyle without getting sick over and over again...so now I teach yoga classes and still struggle compared to my colleagues! Even more so now because I have so much more 'free' time and still can't do what I think I need to be doing bc I don't have the energy or motivation! Teaching yoga I feel like I should be setting the example of health and balanced lifestyle (cue added pressure on myself!) so it's embarrassing to not be able to muster the energy to do my own daily practice that I recommend to my students, or even do the most basic of marketing/admin tasks because I'm so tired and overwhelmed. I feel a TON of guilt when I cancel a class because of exhaustion or feeling unwell. I only work part time....shouldn't I be able to handle this?? I am terrified I will not be able to work "full time" ever again and feel 'broken' and defective because of it...think I need to either find a natural passion from somewhere to fuel my lacking motivation, or as I've been trying to do...accept my limitations because of my susceptibility to depression and fatigue...feels like quitting all around tho :( Again thanks for posting and allowing me to vent the above. So glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this frustration and hope you know you aren't either !
  13. Ok, so I really am not comfortable being a person that complains when things are actually going pretty well, so I guess that's why I'm writing. I don't want to feel so darkly negative when things are 'good' in my life, but in the last few days I really am. I've made some major changes in the last year to manage my mental health. I'm proud to have left the corporate world, changed my lifestyle completely, been taking care of myself well enough to have just come off anti-depressants (with my doctor's careful help) after 4-5 years of taking them and am generally feeling stable. Years of effort to get me to this point and generally I'm well, so why does it only take a couple of days of feeling tired for one reason or another to start feeling that nasty, energy-sucking, negative ball of yuck inside me. I can shut my eyes and feel it growing in nastiness. It's so, so discouraging to think I'm doing all I can but stil will have to deal with that ugliness inside me! I want to succumb to this feeling so badly and crawl under my duvet and hide. I try and sit with the negative feelings in meditation in the hopes it will dissipate, but so far I just start feeling worse, more anxious, and more frustrated. I think that's the root of it - things are going pretty well, so I'm frustrated that this feeling still creeps into my life. In fact, I feel anger towards myself for feeling it which is probably causing it to increase! A wonderful form of self-sabotage. I'm now seeing negativity everywhere and am having so much trouble shutting it down. Does anyone else ever feel this way? In a period of 'recovery' they still feel the black-fog feeling they can't quite shake? I'm worried that coming up to Christmas, I'll be eating less healthily, travelling, partying a bit, have to smile for the family and therefore will slip even further. I apologise if this is frustrating to hear to those who are currently in a much darker place, I am not there anymore, but instead I'm currently dealing with being 'well' if that makes sense. I'm not even sure really what I'm asking - just want to not feel alone in this I think. And I want to express and apologise that I am feeling guilty for feeling negativity when things are seemingly going so 'right' in life... -mmm365
  14. Hey munky, sorry your work has been so bad to you. I've just accepted a severance package at work this week after requesting my old job back and them not being 'able' to comply. I'm lucky to be happy with the outcome, but my point is I got some advice from an employment solicitor/lawyer and depression is covered in the UK as a disability. Not sure what counrtry you're in but check your rights. If they shafted you and treat you poorly then you might have a case of disability discrimination. If you're that unhappy, perhaps its worth a look? Hope this helps....you are right to stay home if that is what you need to cope, manage and get better so let yourself have that time ...wishing you all the best.
  15. Hmmm, I see what you mean...sounds like they are on the right track for supporting but not quite there yet...I think asking for assistance is a very mature thing to do. It shows your are taking responsibility to manage your illness as best as you can. On a practical note that might prove how serious you are things maybe you could suggest specific ways to make up whatever younare mising. For example, if its a participation percentage, the try other, more flexible ways to participate that aren't in class., like perhaps they might insider letting you write a blog for the class, or do a special photography project themed on the subject. Something more adaptive to how you manage your illness. Again, I'd wager that those people who do tease or judge you for being assertive and mature about a hard reality of depression...probably arent the people whose opinions you'd care about... I still get pangs of embarrassment and ego when admitting I couldn't do my old job without triggering my depression, but then I remember the respect I got from my loved ones and even acquaintances for being brave enough to take control of my life and my needs. Best of luck and congrats for already being where you are!
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