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WiltedRose52

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About WiltedRose52

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  • Birthday 04/05/1988

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  1. Does anyone else find that the brain zaps are affecting their hearing? I get the painful shocks, and it also feels like I'm standing right next to one of those huge speakers with the bass turned all the way up.
  2. Thanks for the response. I've tried telling them that it is okay to talk about it around me and with me, and that I don't mind sharing. It hasn't changed anything, unfortunately. They just want to forget and move on. I'm moving on too, but I can't forget. I was depressed as a teenager as well, not nearly this bad, but I forgot all about it and tried to pretend it never happened. It made things that much worse when I relapsed. I've tried explaining that, too, but I think me telling them that I've been through this before made them try to cover things up even more. I've felt the stigma against mental illnesses before, too. People are made to feel ashamed about something that isn't their fault. I didn't ask for this, and I couldn't control it. It is terrifying for me to think that I was so low, I was willing to take my life and leave my child without a mother. The reason why I'm trying to be so open about it is so if there is someone else who is suffering silently, who thinks, as I did, that it was better to hide than to seek help, might gain the courage to come forward with their feelings. Plus, I just want to talk about it. Everybody keeps telling me to talk about my feelings, share how I'm doing, stop hiding things, but when I actually speak up, they don't want to hear about it.
  3. Last year was the worst year in my life. I tried to **** myself twice, was hospitalized somewhere around 12 times (I lost count) for suicidal thoughts/attempts, and pretty much tore my life into shreds. This year has been better for me; it's been nearly 6 months since I was hospitalized, I'm slowly putting those shreds back together, and most of the time, I feel pretty optimistic about myself and my future. What's hard for me is NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. If I didn't know any better, I'd think that last year never happened. Family, friends, random acquaintances, everyone avoids speaking of anything to do with my actions and feelings last year. The funny thing is, I WANT to talk about it. I'm tired of hiding. I spent most of last year hiding how I felt, and I'm done with that. But any time I bring it up, no one responds, they just look around awkwardly, at anyone or anything but me. My mom and my fiance will listen to me, but that's about it. I've expressed several times that I want people to talk about it, because NOT talking about things is what drove me so deeply into depression in the first place. What's worse than that... Any time anything is mentioned about last year, or if someone brings up the subjects of depression or suicide, they all avoid looking at me directly, and instead shoot me side glances that I pretend not to notice. My fiance was talking to his parents at dinner recently about possibly getting a gun, and his mother asked him if that was such a good idea. When asked why, she didn't respond, just glanced over at me. I understand her concerns, and she has every right to have them, but I'm right there. Stop covering things up and come out in the open. It's just one example out of many. I know they talk about me behind my back, discussing how they think I'm really doing, and all that. No one comes out and asks me; they just hide behind closed doors. It makes me feel like I'm never going to get better, in their minds.
  4. I've been off my meds for 2 days now (I keep forgetting to call and ask for a refill), there's a possibility that my fiance, the breadwinner, could lose his job over an ankle injury (happened off-duty, it's a long, twisted story), and I've been bottling all of my stress up so that I can try to ease his stress. I'm starting to lose control over my emotions and actions, mainly my anxiety. Today, I took my son's full piggybank, which probably weighed between 10-15lbs (it's a big piggybank), and dumped it out. Then I sorted all of it, pennies, dimes, nickels, quarters - even found a couple of dollar coins, but that's beside the point. I wanted to find separate containers for all of the different types, but we didn't have that many containers and my fiance was already looking at me like I was nuts. I spent about 5 minutes trying to make myself pour all those coins back into the piggybank, and once I finally did, I spent the next hour trying not to sort them out again. What's worse is I already have a sorting project in mind for tomorrow - sorting my fiance's 2000+ Magic cards by color, category, and name. I've also managed to pick all my nails down to the point of bleeding, and have been resisting a very tempting urge to rip my toenail off. My eyes are being drawn to every single little imperfection. I keep messing with my hair, which is pointless because it never stays the way I want it to. And I keep shivering randomly when I'm thinking about all of this, especially the sorting. The action of sorting itself is relaxing, but thinking about it makes me feel very on edge. I hope tomorrow is better.
  5. I don't know enough about your family to comment on their criticism, but it sounds like you've worked really hard for what you have achieved, and you have every right to be proud of that. I hope spending some time away from them will help your self esteem grow. Living under criticism is incredibly hard, since with everything you try, everywhere you turn, there is someone who tells you that you can't do it. The sooner you stop listening to them, the better. Easier said than done... Good luck breaking the news to your family
  6. I seriously don't know what to do. If I stop the ECT, there's a very good chance that I will relapse, but maybe I will get my memory back, or at least be able to make new ones without forgetting them. If I don't stop the ECT, my memory will get worse, and I may relapse anyway, judging by the way my moods have been over the last 2 months. This is really starting to affect my life. My family is starting to notice too. Oh, and I looked up symptoms for Alzheimer's today, and I can relate to every single one. Not just in an "Oh that happens to me now and then," way, but in a "That happens every day" kind of way. I'd just stop the ECT, but lately I've been having some thoughts, and judging by some people's reactions, they're not healthy. If I share some of the darker thoughts with anyone, I'm afraid I'll end up in the hospital again. When I finally went to bed Saturday night (or early Sunday morning, I guess), I was still thinking of all this and it popped into my head to just take a knife to myself and end it all. I thought about it for a minute before I realized what I was ultimately thinking about, and burst into tears because I had actually been considering suicide. I can't keep doing this.
  7. I felt sad for the people in Boston, the victims, their family, and the people in the line of duty. It was a distant kind of sad... like when you hear that your great-aunt, who you only saw maybe twice a year and were never really close to, passed away. I don't know if I'm desensitized or numb to it or what. After they caught the second guy, I was relieved because the main event was over and people could move on. I started getting annoyed by all the posts on Facebook about sending prayers for Boston, or lighting a candle for Boston. I'm not sure why I was so annoyed. Even worse than that, I was getting irrationally angry at all the conspiracy posts, the photos of "hey look at this guy, he's on the roof, omg he must have done it!!!" or other innocent bystanders, and all the posts about arming ourselves to protect against the foreigners, especially the Muslims. For the first 24 hours after the attacks, I spent my time researching everything I could find about these conspiracy theories, then using those facts to argue with people, or post alternative, much more realistic possibilities about what happened. Someone posted about how everyone had lost it over 3 deaths and 180+ injuries in Boston, when several innocent people, including children, were killed from car bombs over in the Middle East in the same week, and nobody cared. One of their friends made a comment about how they live over there, so it's expected and we should just accept it, and I lost it on her. I don't deal with death in a "normal" way, anyways. Recently at my grandma's visitation, I was in the back of the room making some inappropriate jokes given the situation. The jokes were worse in my mind.
  8. I've been doing pretty well for the past few months. I'm taking Zoloft and Trazodone, and doing monthly ECT treatments. The thing is, I'm noticing more and more memory issues and language issues that I didn't have before the ECT treatments. The psychiatrist who prescribes my medicines says that he thinks the issues will resolve after stopping the ECT. The psychiatrist who does the ECT says the same thing, and that he will alternate treatments of long and short bursts. Both kind of downplay the issues, and frankly, act like they don't have time to deal with my problems. --My memory is mostly gone. I remember patches here and there, and can remember more with suggestive influence, but for the most part, it's gone. I'm 25, by the way. I don't remember some of the most important events in my life, including the birth of my son. Thankfully I wrote down his birth story shortly after, or else I would have nothing to go on. My fiance asked me about a wedding that we went to last year, and I cannot remember any of it. At all. --I forget things very very easily. I've always been forgetful, but it was nowhere near this bad. Today, I was making hamburgers for dinner, I had everything laid out on the table for dinner, like 3 things. I had just flipped the hamburgers in the pan and needed to add more seasoning salt. I took 3 steps to the table, and by then, I had forgotten what I needed. I stared at the table for a full minute before I figured it out. I wish I could tell you that this doesn't happen often, but it happens at least once a day, usually more. There are many more examples of this, but you get the point. --Whenever I'm reading anything, I sometimes can't understand what it's saying. It's like I'm reading another language, like French; the letters are familiar, some of the words look familiar, but I don't know what it says. I re-read the sentences, sometimes having to focus in on it word by word, to be able to comprehend. I'm an excellent reader, I used to read all the time. Now, I can barely make it through a sentence. --Sometimes when I'm reading, it's like my brain swaps out words. A friend of mine made a post on Facebook about how her "kefir grains finally came." Somehow, I read "kefir camels." No idea how. There are a lot more examples, it happens all the time. --When I'm writing or typing things, I often type a completely different word than the one I meant to. Most of the time I catch it before I hit the "Send" button, but sometimes I don't. In one post, I typed "amounts" instead of "comments." I'm sure there are other issues, but I forgot them. It's taken me about 40 minutes to get this far in my post. Now, I've done some research on ECT, and memory loss is a common issue. Usually it's mild, but can range from none to full-blown cases of amnesia. It typically clears up in the months following cessation of treatment, but sometimes it doesn't. I haven't found any link between ECT and my language issues. The ECT is the only thing holding me back from falling into that hellish pit of depression I JUST got out of. Waiting it out isn't going to help, I'm potentially facing ECT treatments for the next year and possibly for much longer than that. My doctor doesn't feel comfortable spacing out the treatments any more, and neither do I. I don't know what to do. I'm losing my mind. The depression keeps surging back and forth, like waves on the beach, and the ECT is what keeps me from drowning in it. Sometimes I wish I didn't have my son to take care of, so I could check myself into a more long-term mental health facility and not have to worry about keeping it together when I feel like I'm so close to cracking.
  9. My son is 20 months old now. I've been battling depression since he was very little. I've been hospitalized so many times I've lost count, and I've overdosed a few times. I know I'm at risk for PPD with any future pregnancies. I've accepted that. What I'm wondering is whether I can expect the severity and length to be similar. I've been battling depression since he was maybe 5 months old.
  10. The comments on Amazon.com, on BIC Cristal for Her pens. Omg, hilarious.
  11. thank you, i have been on various Antidepressants and Anti-anxiety medications but never really tried mood stabilizers, aren't they for Bipolar disorder ? i have MDD so i never really experience " mania". but i will check it out with my doctor. i'm curious and hoping it's okay to ask you, but was it your decision to go for the ETC ? or it's something usually psychiatrists recommend when medications don't work ? did it cause you bad side effects like some temporary memory loss or something ? i can function and be okay when i'm on the right medication but for some reason medications seem to poop out on me pretty quickly. i could use some electric shocks to shake the sadness out of me :D Mood stabilizers can be for bipolar, but it seems like they're increasingly being prescribed for other conditions. I'm not bipolar either. It's been suggested that I might have BPD, so it's possible that the Abilify was prescribed to help with that. The ECT was suggested by my psychiatrist after several hospitalizations and failed medicine trials. It did cause some memory loss, and some of it may be permanent. However, the ECT really helped me, and I'm feeling a lot better.
  12. I'm thinking about BPD... Wondering if I have it or not. I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow.
  13. I have no tips other than the usual - exercise, getting outside during the daytime, etc. You could also try taking calcium and vitamin D, to try to improve your mood. I know you said you haven't been diagnosed with SAD but since your symptoms get worse during the winter you could try acting as if you have SAD, and follow some of the tips for that.
  14. Somebody on my Facebook posted a clip where somebody had done a lip-sync to a bunch of Romney clips. It was pretty funny.
  15. Web surfing, reading random books to my son when he brings them over to me
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