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  1. My family isn't very close. I am an only child and my extended family really just doesn't communicate aside from holdays. Also, I have too much pride to admit that anything is wrong with me to anybody in real life. Not that I have anybody to talk to anyway. I have no real friends just a bunch of acquaintances. Talking to a psychiatrist or psychologist really ins't for me. My feelings are that they are paid to be there, they don't genuinely care. It's just a job to them. As for meds, I don't want to become a slave to the pharmaceutical companies. I understand that talking to professionals and getting on the right cocktail of drugs has helped many people, but it's just not something I feel is right for me. I've been researching natural antidepressants like 5-HTP and I'll probably give that a go. I'm not interested in college. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me what I supposedly know and don't know, or what I can an can't do. I've had the internet since I was in the 4th grade. I've learned a lot about and how to do many different things. In standard schooling you don't exactly learn to learn. You learn to take tests. The actual knowledge you retain is very minimal. I know a lot of people with college diplomas, and the majority of them aren't exactly bright. So to automatically get placed behind them when searching for a job, just because I don't posses a piece of paper is extremely disheartening. I feel that I could do many different things if just given the opportunity. I'm a very quick hands-on learner, I'm intelligent, I'm assertive, and I am a good leader who actually knows how to treat people. But convincing employers this while having no work experience in whatever particular field is nearly impossible. I don't really know if I'm depressed in a chemical sense. I think I'm just a super logical person. I feel that if I had a job that I felt was right for me, and met some GENUINE friends I'd start feeling happy again. I had a girl tell me that I seemed shy on Saturday night while we were standing around talking. Nobody has really ever told me that. I feel that my state of mind is really starting to affect my personality. I just don't know... I never saw my life like this. It hurts... I am a shell of my former self I wouldn't wish pain like this on my worst enemy. I truly wish I could meet someone who I could open up to, but I fear that if they knew the truth about me they would run away and never speak to me again. Anyway, thanks for the comments guys. I really appreciate it. Pretty sure that I'm hopeless.
  2. I guess I'll start with a bit of back story. I'm 26 years old. I left college after my first semester, because I felt that it wasn't for me. I was doing well, but I just couldn't get past the fact that I felt that the whole process was completely ridiculous. You basically have to go through a gauntlet of bulls*** before you can even start thinking about taking courses that are actually going to apply towards the career of your choice, and even then, in most cases, that isn't going to prepare you for what lays ahead anyway. In today's society you're basically pigeon-holed into a system that is guaranteeing $50,000-$200,000 of debt for the off-chance that you'll be able to land a job, post graduation, in the field of your choosing. It's despicable, misleading, and it gives kids false hope. If you go against the system and don't follow that path, and what you were previously doing falls through, you are ****ed. Very few employers are going to hire someone with no degree or experience, regardless of leadership skills, or how motivated or intelligent they may be. Anyway, after I left school I moved to Las Vegas, where I worked as an assistant at a pretty well known establishment. Well, being under 21 in Vegas is terrible. It's very difficult to meet genuine, like-minded people, and the folks you do meet aren't exactly friend material. After a little over a year I became severely depressed. I felt alone. So, I moved back to my home town in Massachusetts. Still depressed, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I did know (or thought I knew), however, that I didn't want to be another 9:00-5:00 slave who sacrifices his or her life to work a soul-stealing job that they despise. After wallowing in my depression for a while I end up getting a job recruiting models for a website that my friend was a partial owner of. That lasted about a year. I was never on an official payroll and they were posturing to sell the company, so in essence, I was no longer needed. As a parting gift, my friend got me a gig writing for a popular blogging network. Finally, something I felt that I really enjoyed doing, I loved it! Well...fast forward a year, and just like everything else in my life, that didn't last either. The blogging network I was a part of got sold and lost its soul. The corporate influence completely destroyed everything we had initially set out to be. Moving forward, 24 now, still severely depressed, and again I have no idea what I'm going to do. I move to California to stay with an online friend who was going to UCSD. On the weekends we would go to LA and eventually we started hanging around the Comedy clubs a lot. I got to know a lot of the comics, made some solid friends, and started enjoying my life for the first time ever. Well, a few months later my friend was graduating. After graduation she was moving back to Hawaii. She asked me to come with her, but for whatever reason I declined. I ended up moving back to my home town in Massachusetts, yet again. So, here I am today. I'm 26. I have absolutely no close friends. No girlfriend. No close family. Little money. No job. Nothing of substance to put on a resume. Nothing. Basically, I am hopeless. I am a shell of my former self. My depression has gotten way out of control. I used to be able to put the blinders on a bit and tell myself that everything would be okay. I can no longer do that. I'm a very logical person. I feel that I am irrevocably screwed. The loneliness above all else is what really is making me remarkably sad. I have many acquaintances, but literally no people I would call close friends. Some weekends I hang out with acquaintances at bars, and I smile, laugh, tell stories, etc...but Inside I feel dead and alone, and honestly, I don't even like going to bars. I hate the atmosphere, and you can't really get to know people. In these same bars I meet girls, they tell me I'm handsome and give me compliments, but I'm a fraud. I can't tell them the truth about where my life is heading. I want companionship, but I feel that I can't be fully honest. My two biggest fears in life are to A) become a loser, and B) end up alone. I am living my nightmare. I can no longer go a day without thinking about suicide. I don't think I will do it, but I can't really get the thoughts out of my head. I feel hopeless. I feel alone. I have really no idea what to do. I don't talk about my situation with anybody in real life, because I have too much pride and I don't want to seem like I'm insane. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. I feel my existence is a torturous one.
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