lisamarieee

Hello everyone. Sorry i have not written in what seems like ages. I have been so busy lately and for me the more busy the better. I had some tramatic things happen but that is all over now. I am happy for the most part. I am starting school on Tuesday, First day of school since 09. Wow, I am really putting all my efforts into this... I have so much to lose if i don't. I want this to be the one thing i actually do for MYSELF. It is awkward enough even saying that. My boyfriend and i split up. Well i split up with him, He was just not emotional and clearly i was not one of his "main things" in life. I don't deserve that, I was there 110% and yet he was only there 50%. I loved him, I loved everything about him except that, and that is what made is so sad. Another decision i had to make for the better good of myself, why are things always so hard? I feel like, He just didn't care for me and why don't i deserve that? I am not going to dwell on it, I have school coming up and going to put all my emotions and everything into that. Other then that i finally got my own car and have been out driving and doing my own thing. It feels good i must admit. But still a weird transition. I hope all is good with you, sometimes the hardest most postive decisions are the best ones, but you gotta do it or you will always be unhappy with your life. Be happy and don't let anything get in the way of that... Until next time..

yeah it doesn't sound all that bad but mabye you should still talk to someone about it, i mean it brought you here afterall! ha ha! welcome aboard! :)

Yeah, i found that while on it my anxiety would kind of flare up and bring out some major anger issues i said but really it was because i was sad and just letting that out in anger. I found out that pristiq after 3 years was making me even more depressed! I posted earlier, i am off it (finally long enough) and on a new medicine and i can't believe i waited this long! I feel like my old self again!

Well sometimes it feels like a special occasion that i am happy. Not worrying about anything, like a holiday of sorts. Today is the 3rd day on the new meds and feeling great and i didn't even sleep well and am still feeling sick! I think the thought of finally seeing my love has also have something to do with it. I am so excited to spend a weekend together where i am not stressed and just read to prove myself. Today i researched a couple things, I just like to on my free time look up some stuff or watch documentaries on stuff. So that felt fulfilling, like i had a purpose. I was happy. I like having a purpose, which i guess is in the long run why i am not giving up on school. I want it to bad i feel like i can taste it and even though the stress is unbairable at times to make this all work, i feel the first day i get there, i will possiably cry in happiness. This i will have to keep to myself ha ha. I really want to excel in this school. I want to make my parents proud. But seeing as i always want to do this (and it rarely ever works) i have to keep in mind, i have to do this for ME. Until tomorrow :)

Well sometimes it feels like a special occasion that i am happy. Not worrying about anything, like a holiday of sorts. Today is the 3rd day on the new meds and feeling great and i didn't even sleep well and am still feeling sick! I think the thought of finally seeing my love has also have something to do with it. I am so excited to spend a weekend together where i am not stressed and just read to prove myself. Today i researched a couple things, I just like to on my free time look up some stuff or watch documentaries on stuff. So that felt fulfilling, like i had a purpose. I was happy. I like having a purpose, which i guess is in the long run why i am not giving up on school. I want it to bad i feel like i can taste it and even though the stress is unbairable at times to make this all work, i feel the first day i get there, i will possiably cry in happiness. This i will have to keep to myself ha ha. I really want to excel in this school. I want to make my parents proud. But seeing as i always want to do this (and it rarely ever works) i have to keep in mind, i have to do this for ME. Until tomorrow :)

Well they say what doesn't **** you makes you stronger right? I think without all the stuff i have experienced i wouldn't have a lot of the tools, met some of the people or really gotten to know myself. So in a way i am "thankful". It is nice to meet you :) You can PM me anytime if you would like! I am on meds and go to therapy every tuesday, not sure if i added that above ha ha

My new medication has really been helping out lately! He is back to work from being off on break for a week so that kind of made me co-dependent even more, but now he is at work and i feel i have the medicine to help me we are doing better and it has only been a couple says! We actually had a convo tonight NOT about me, and he laughed and "made fun of me" and i didn't take it personal (wasn't anything bad, i just always overreact) and joked along and that really made me feel like i am getting somewhere! Even more then makes me happy is we are getting back to the feeling of the happy couple and that really is worth all the struggle. He does what he can, we are both smart people and able to figure things out just sometimes it is a bit harder. Thanks again, :)

Don't worry about that, I'm 25 and I'm only just graduating this year. I'm living on my own, just trying desperately to finish my undergrad thesis without my depression and anxiety getting in the way. hello, hello and welcome. YAY, someone who likes dogs! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN MY WHOLE FORUM LIFE? ha ha. I shall add you and we can talk on a more personal level if you would like. Ps, i want like 20999398392 million animals, if the animal is cute i will take it ha ha ha

Thank you so much for your advice, I am very co-dependent and i don't want to be but it is VERY strange for me. My parents never gave me an independence, they would pick out what i was doing, when i would do it and how i would do it. I feel like this new medicine i am taking will push me more into the direction i want to be in. I can tell i am getting better and i need to give myself more credit. I have never been in a good relationship until now so needless to say i have a very low level of self confidence, thank my parents again for that one. My motto growing up was you are simply never good enough and as hard as you try you will never please your parents. I know am going off on a rant, but i am sure you can tell how all these things go hand in hand. Growing older really does change you and help you in ways you thought wow, i am so glad i can actually see when i overreact or when i am being too dependent one someone. My boyfriend is amazing, simply put.. there is nothing he wouldn't do to see me get better and in a way that scares the s*** out of me. It is like, wow there is someone who actually loves me? Doesn't judge me... is worth the effort? This must be a joke this seems, but then again it goes back to what i said earlier. I need to learn to love myself more. I have a lot of work to do but this year once it since the new year i was so SICK of my old life, i delayed 3 years of college laying around doing nothing, loathing in self misery and i just finally had enough. I am still a wreck, i still get emotional but i have come to realize it is a process, and that being said it takes TIME. Which as my anxiety knows, doesn't work out for me so much. I would really love to me independent but i am AFRAID, I wish i could run like hell away from this subject. I can't stand the thought of being alone. 3 hours is my max, i know it is not the greatest thing but i feel if i am alone, i start to think, i start to DWELL and as soon as my anxiety attacks come into play i jump on the phone and will not stop calling him until i get what i need. It is like a fix, once i hear his voice, i am free of all those feelings i felt. I need to trust more in myself and i need to make is it hard. Without his voice, i feel empty.. i want to cry. I go to a therapist every tuesday and i am slowly trying to get over these feelings. It is like my addiction. I haven't not had a boyfriend since i was 13 at least. None of them ever really any good until now. I am 20 now, you can tell how changing right now, just like that is just wishing that you could fly. As you were saying he is a positive person, he doesn't really have anything to stress over, has great parents etc. He wants to find a solution to my problems because in respect he just wants to help. I tell him now to just listen, and he does so it has been working out better lately. He i feel can talk about anything. I am so lucky to have him in my life and has my therapist says, you are your own self fulling prophecy, which basically means, since i am so afraid of him leaving - i am making him (in the long run) want to leave, I am setting myself up for failure. We broke up for a day because he just thought he couldn't help me, that i didn't want to get better. That felt like more pain then any depression has ever caused me. I felt like i had NOTHING left, I don't think i have ever begged and cried for hours for someone to take me back. He wanted me to prove that i could put forth more effort to get better and ever since they i really haven't given up. I realize is it going to be my depression i want in the long run or him. Well i've had enough with depression and we aren't the greatest pals so i chose him LOL. I as well have written you a novel, and i am sure i could harp on even more. I love to write. But i just wanted to say thank you because it really opened my eyes to somethings i didn't even know until i wrote them down here....

I agree! I love going out (and sometimes not - i like laying in bed) so i always try to plan like dinner dates or going out to ice cream or something special. He works a lot with work, so mostly he is very tired but we always have our laughs which is good. I really just need to learn to LIVE and then i believe we would have more fun, since i am usually stressing out like, oh what next! I think a mixture of both will really help us out! It sounds like you are very lucky to have him. If he is open to learning about your illness, he's a keeper! Plus, you don't always have to go out, just hanging out around the house is the best. Those are the times when you really bond. :) Yeah he really is but sometimes i just want to have fun and not talk about being sick or whatever. It makes me feel guilty. I am seeing him this weekend so i hope we can just have a good relaxing time.

Well after yesterday you think i would wake up feeling better, which in some cases i think... why would i feel that way? I always feel sick, I always can't sleep. That can get really annoying after a while. Since when is a sick person able to focus on anything but being sick? My aunt called me again and woke me up, I swear that woman is so annoying. She asked me to sit on her lap yesterday (like i used to...) It is highly annoying, How am i supposed to move away from the past if everyone in my family just clings to that. I am 20 years old, I am not 4 and haven't been for AWHILE, what would make you think i would honestly do that? I just can't wait for the week to be over, I am seriously counting down the days. At least tomorrow is therapy. Something i really need (do every week., then miss a week and all hell breaks lose). But really am i just waiting to get away from here, because i have to stay at home with my parents all day because my lack of a car or friends really. It sucks and totally does not help you want to say, hey lets be positive! It is more like, hey what tv shows are you going to watch today and basically what are you NOT going to do today. I really want today to be a good one, but i feel like it really won't be... :verysad3:

Wow, What a day today.. I took nyquil so i could finally get some sleep last night and ended up just being drowzy all day. I had my grandfathers party today, Not fun really at all.. I don't like german food or family events. I am so tired or am i depressed. Who knows anymore. My aunt got me depression books, all i did was want to roll my eyes. I looked at them and just tossed it aside, I just want them as far as possible away from me right now. I won't read them, not like i really want to read anything, I feel so very zoned out today. I was driving home and it was like my body was driving and my brain was just on pause. Just sitting their in silence. I was trying to see if i was blinking, which to this minute i am still not sure... I just really feel like sleeping right now, curling up and just passing the day away.

I agree! I love going out (and sometimes not - i like laying in bed) so i always try to plan like dinner dates or going out to ice cream or something special. He works a lot with work, so mostly he is very tired but we always have our laughs which is good. I really just need to learn to LIVE and then i believe we would have more fun, since i am usually stressing out like, oh what next! I think a mixture of both will really help us out!