chatchka

Thank you both for replying. Aqua, I have told my doctor about my depression, and he has recommended me to see a therapist. My first therapy session is next week. And lostandmiserable, thank you. I try to leave it alone and move on because that's my only option at this point. It's just I feel really low for having all these feelings, yet I have gone through nothing at all. I should be considered blessed and lucky, and I desperately want to feel that way. But I just don't know why I'm not happy anymore. It frustrates me.

I thank you in advance to those who are willing to read my whole story. I don't know where to turn to anymore, and I feel like I just need to let myself vent. So, here goes... Basically, I feel like a total **** up. I've been depressed and suicidal for about a year or two now (to be honest, I don't know how long. But that's just a really rough guess). And the most ****ed up thing is, I have no reason to be sad at all. I have a loving family, a few good close friends, and I have everything I need to live amply. No hardships. I did have a little rough patch during my first two years in high school (I was really fat and ugly, and people teased me about it. And having no friends at the time didn't help. Felt like school was hell on earth everyday. But now, I lost some weight and look average, but still chubby). At times, I've acted like a completely spoiled brat to my family, and a really shallow person to my friends (criticising how their life isn't as cool or not having a girlfriend or not having any friends, but in reality they do.) Basically, I feel like a narcissit and really selfish. Constantly comparing my life with other peoples. Wishing I was someone else all the time. Feeling really concieted. Always wanting instant gratification, never thinking ahead or thinking hard about things. Not caring about ANYTHING or ANYONE anymore. And I want to stop being like this, change myself. I'm only 18, but I've already messed up so many relationships and friendships in my life. The most recent **** up is the one person I've met that i really connected with. She was one of the closest friends I've had: We basically had everything in common. She was everything I was looking for in a girl, in a person. We pretty much liked the same things: We were gamers, anime lovers, same imagination, same sense of humour, and we were both attracted to each other's looks (most normal people wouldn't even give a second glance at). I felt like we were what we were both looking for in a mate. And she felt the same way towards me. When we were hanging out, I was the happiest I've ever been in a long time. I really felt like we could be ourselves with each other, and not worry about what we thought of each other. Then we dated, but it didn't work out at all. Said she only saw me as a best friend in the end (we've only known each other for 3 months, dated for 1). "It felt like once I had you, the feelings were gone." She says I did nothing wrong, but I felt like I contributed towards the downward spiral of our relationship, our friendship. I felt like I shouldn't have dived right into dating with her. That I should've first let the friendship develop. That I shouldn't have indirectly told her I loved her after the second date (I said something about her loving something, and she responded with "But don't you love that too?" And I said "not as much as other people." And she responded with that she only cared about me a lot.) Then for some reason, about 2 weeks in while we were dating I started to have these insecure jealous feelings whenever she hung out with other people other than me. When we first started seeing each other, I had no problems with it at all. But then when she mentioned about seeing one of her ex's even though she told me she couldn't hang out with anyone cuz of her dad visiting, I kind of blew up. Texted her saying I thought you couldn't hang out with other people, and she responded with it was only for 1 second, and it wasn't worth mentioning. Then I sent her a video expressing how beautiful she was to me (beautiful by wayne brady). She first said thank you for the video. But then I told her I really felt that way towards her and she replied with "lol, so soon?" I asked her if it was a bad thing but she said "no, it's just I don't want you to change your feelings towards me." Ultimately, this led to her breaking up with me a few weeks later. I was mature about it, but devastated. She wanted to remain friends, but told me to give it some time. I didn't listen. The next day, I asked for her back. I thought she was afraid to love again because of her first love that really broke her heart (her first BF was someone like me, and they were even planning on getting married. But in the end, he broke it off.) And of course, that didn't work out so well. But then I really blew up, indirectly telling her FRIENDS on facebook that she was a liar and manipulator (she lied to me about the real reason why we broke up, but I soon saw that she was just trying to let me down easy). That's not all. I used my mom's facebook account to apologise to her through messaging, giving her all these bulls*** excuses of why I acted the way I did. In the end, I still blamed her and ultimately she blocked both of our accounts. And that resulted in us not talking for 2 weeks. It wasn't like me to say all those things, ON THE COMPUTER, and not just directly tell her how I felt. But around Christmas, I came to her house to apologise and we both made up. 3 months after, we were friends again. Started hanging out again. During this time, I had obsessive thoughts about her. Constant sexual thoughts, insecure thoughts that she didn't want to be my friend and that I was just a charity case to her. That she's already seeing another guy, and that I'll be forgotten. Before I ****ed up again, I told her one day that I still liked her and wanted to wait for her. And that I didn't know whether I wanted her as a friend or more than that. But she politely rejected me, AGAIN, and still just wanted to be friends. But last week, I ****ed things up again. We were just watching movies on my couch, and I asked her to snuggle with me. We did, and I couldn't control myself but I grabbed her butt. She only smiled and moved my hand. After that day, I asked if she was mad about it. She said yeah, and that I blew it. I BEGGED her to give me another chance, but she said no. She said "i told you I didn't want to do that kind of stuff until I was married. you're not my boyfriend. and we either hang out as groups or not at all. and I'm not changing my mind anytime soon." I apologised profusely, but in the end I understand her feelings. It's been a week since we've talked to each other. And I feel like I messed up our friendship again... The one friend I really liked/cared about and she hates my guts. I don't blame her, because I wouldn't want to be friends with me neither after all I've done to her. In the end, I just didn't want her out of my life. And it was my own doing that made her push me away. The exact thing I DIDN'T want, and it happened. I want to make up with her again, but I feel like it's just gonna happen all over again. The only person that I really connected with, understood me, is most likely gone... I'm afraid I'll never find a person like her ever again, as a friend or lover. And it kills me to know she's around, and I can't do a D*** thing. Apart of me feels like this whole thing was a major test for me, growing up. And I ultimately failed it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a wreck as a human being. I'm afraid I'll push all my friends and family away being like this, and dying alone. The future is just what scares me the most, and I feel so weak. Weak and pathetic. And I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through, that I'm not going through anything. That I should be happy, but I'm not. That I do the opposite of what I should be doing. I always mess everything up, and ultimately losing good friends because of my actions. And I don't know why...