Nightjar

That's lovely. Thank you for sharing the positivity It's needed here at the moment.

I did go but I didn't stay. Lol. It was cool in there with the aircon but I couldn't sleep and started panicking and feeling trapped because I thought we were locked in. I ended up leaving in the middle of the night in a panic so it didn't really go to plan Thankfully the heat wave has passed for now and I got a decent sleep last night at home Are you enjoying the cooler weather?

Yesterday was a pretty good day in spite of anxiety.... Drove to the lake for a bit, sat in the car and enjoyed watching the bees.... Drove to the beach... And walked along the cliff top....The sea was beautiful... Came home and meditated... Then watched a couple of AML movies on youtube.. Thankfully got off to sleep at a reasonable time and slept for maybe a solid 6 hours Then had another hour after waking up for a bit

Woohoo! I love it

5618 steps today. Not a lengthy walk today but good. A miracle too after the lack of sleep I've been having. I went to the beach today. Was gorgeous..... The sun has gone away again. Hurrah!!

I've been watching AML films on YouTube .. This guy makes short films where he interviews drug addicted people who are mostly homeless... Honestly I have more in common with these people and the way they feel than with anyone in normal society. I've always been this inbetween person. Inbetween everything and every group. No part in one or the other. Somewhere in the middle

Feeling stuck. Like all my wheels are spinning and I'm not getting any closer to where I need to be Freaking neighbours kept me awake last night again and then we had some torrential rain so I woke up again. My sleep was really patchy so I feel like crap. Again. Ugh. Feel the need to escape the torment of narc mom but feel scared to do that at the same time. Scared of repercussions from her and scared of being alone. Don't know how to find my way back into the workplace. A lot of the time, if I'm honest I probably don't even want to. A lot of the time I don't know what I want or what to do. I feel so lost all of the time. Also underlying nervousness about covid and my health in general. Think that about sums it up

Sober Yes, I agree with you. I keep trying. Banging my head against a brick wall

Sorry to hear that Epic. I understand how you feel. I experience something close to panic with my family too..I know that I will not be supported or validated or comforted around them. I know that I will be dismissed, ignored and put down. I find being with them excruciatingly uncomfortable and humiliating sometimes.

Another stressful family encounter today. That's all of them now. No safe harbour. There never was... Seriously need to find better support system. This is why I was so crippled when I lost my friends.

Well I worked hard yesterday doing yoga and walking in the heat.... I ate well too and I should have lost a pound.... I discussed food with her before I went over which should have been in line with eating well but she poured as much cheese, butter and mayo on it as she could... So I stayed the same weight .. She knows I'm working hard on it... She doesn't want me to succeed... I find that hard to stomach.... Hard to believe too... But that's what her actions point to. I see it more clearly with my sister who struggles more with self regulation than I do... She's very big and narc mom is continously feeding her junk... She literally pushes it in her face because she knows she will eat it.... Then later she gossips about how big she is. It's not healthy and she is literally harming her doing this. I know for a fact she wouldn't be so big if it wasn’t for these frequent 'feeding sessions' because being big bothers my sister a lot and she works on it as much as she can

Bad night's sleep last night. I had a ball of energy whizzing around in my belly. Don't know what that was about Plus it has been stoopid hot here so it can make it harder to sleep. Feeling very drained today. Down too. I had a really unpleasant visit with my mom last night.. So many things whizzing round in my head... How she tries to get as many calories into me as possible.... and delights in being the thinnest family member... How she likes me to be weak in all ways.... How she gossips about everyone and puts them down... All so nasty... And that's on a good day. Lol. I can't stand it. I only get on with her when I'm ill or she is ill. I don't have the energy to mind about that stuff then.. And vice versa. Also.... It's on and on about her problems and everyone running around after her. I'm in just as much need of help, if not more, and I'm not getting it.. I need to take responsibility for that though

Nite DF family...Nite birdies.... Nite to my buddies in heaven...

I hate showering. My ocd makes it really draining. I find having a wash at the sink to be easier and I do that some days instead. On other days I allow myself a day off. It's just such a struggle sometimes and there are so many other things to do. I only have so much energy.... I get so frustrated by how long it takes me to do everything in the shower, then dry my hair, put on make up, wipe around the shower area and brush my teeth.... @SusanGAAre there specific issues or thoughts you have when thinking about showering? There may be some practical tips or ideas people can share on this...

Good things about today: yoga, short walk, watering plants and refreshing birdies water. Bad things: rubbish family relationships, feeling unsupported and unheard, feeling really irritable.