How to I begin.... Last week, Friday, I stayed in with my boyfriend. I had the best time ever with him, he makes me laugh and I can really be myself with him. I remember thinking how lucky I am to be with him and how I felt like he could really be part of my future. He is perfectly made for me and supportive unlike many of my exes. The next night, out of nowhere, I felt my head literally clicked off. And he stood in front of me and a thought crossed my head ..."am i losing feelings for him?” I quickly tried to shake off that thought because of course that not possible, it was just the day before where I felt like the luckiest girl ever and was so happy with him, with us. I felt not myself after that day, and every day since it has gotten worse. On Monday, a couple days after the initial thought, I had a panic attack. Before that panic attack happened I was thinking about "What if I lost feelings for him, then I would have to end it, and I would hurt him, and I don’t want to end it because I want him in my life, and how if I ended it I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else because he is the one I want and I will end up alone and he will have to start over" While all these thoughts crossed my head, my heart rate increased, I had a hard time breathing, I ended up getting a massive headache, my eyes began to hurt, I just could not relax. I though, imp just getting sick from something. But ever since that day things got worse for me. Every day, all day I would have obsessive thoughts about what if I lost feelings for him and what would happen. I felt guilty for having those feelings so I would try to suppress it which I think gave me more anxieties. These obsessive thoughts give me headaches every time, the minute it crosses my head. Even when I am distracted with something, I would have this heavy feeling in my chest and my head and I would start thinking about what’s going through my head obsessively again. It’s like my mind and body wouldn’t let me forget that something wasn’t right with me or my situation. I would try to find reasons why I was not feeling myself anymore. I got obsessed with finding a reason to what was going on with me. I did not want to accept in my head that I had just simply didn’t feel for him anymore. And when I would try to convince myself that I just don’t feel him anywhere another thought in my head would fight it. And so I would end up with two conflicting ideas and I would just feel crazy and tired. Other changes vie noticed since the panic attack was that I was always tired, but had a hard time sleeping, I have random aches and pains, lack of sex drive, I feel nothing or anxious nothing else, I get a grossed out feeling when I think about my dad and my boyfriend, I don’t want to see my family, I don’t want to hang with my friends, I avoid my neighbors so I don’t have to have small talk,. I don’t want to have to talk to people and be pleasant; I want to kind of be alone BUT at the same time I feeling lonely all the time even when people are with me. I feel like I have to force myself to enjoy what imp doing or enjoying people. Even at times when I am having a good time and I am laughing my mind quickly reminds me that I’m not feeling right. I am convinced that I am depressed. I’ve been before. But my concern is am I depressed because I’m worried to lose feelings for my boyfriends, or am I depressed and it’s causing me to lose feelings for my boyfriend. It’s been a week since I’ve dealt with this. I’m confused my issues obviously circle around the fear of losing feelings for my boyfriend and not having him in my life anymore, but I always miss him, and I look at him and have fond loving feelings for him. I crave his attention and affection (not sexually). I think about how awesome everything was before my mind turned off and I miss those days. I’ve told him what’s been going on, and he has never dealt or known anyone who has dealt with depression. He is confused because our relationship was going so well then out of nowhere I changed and seem unhappy. He is usually very supportive but he is withdrawing from me I assume b.c this is hard for him too and it’s difficult to give me the attention I need when he has to help himself too. It makes me sad that I am doing this to him. I love him, I know I do, I want a future with him and he is what I want in my life. But I am afraid of a couple things- 1... That my depression is causing me to have delusional thoughts about how I feel about him 2... That how I feel about him is what actually caused the depression 3. That maybe I really don’t feel for him and im just trying to fight what im really feeling (but this doesn’t make sense because I was the happiest I’ve ever been the day before my mind turned off) 4- that I will always feel like this no matter who I’m with If anyone here has experiences this before please let me know. Tell me, for you was it just depression and it did cause irrational thoughts, or did you get depressed because you did stop feeling for them and you were just fighting it, did the issue get resolved and how? I need insight, this is the first time I’ve ever joined and posted on one of these things. I’m looking for any answers. Really feel like I’m going crazy and so desperate for answers. It’s like my mind wont rest till I find an alternative answer that doesn’t involve me ending it with the man I love.