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syd

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    Toronto, Canada

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  1. I would have to say personal happiness and fulfillment. Certainly not for any material gain, though a secure retirement would be great peace of mind. Family and helping others certainly ranks up there, but you can't love others unless you learn to love yourself first. Depression has repressed the passion and humor in my life. If I could rediscover that, then life would have some meaning.
  2. I was an anorexic during University and I don't often mention this openly as I'm male. I pretty much wasted away and spent most of my time working out like crazy. I'm now 40 and have long since recovered. I now realize it was all due to stress and depression. I now look lean and healthy, but because of my depression, I eat loads of sugar which only exacerbates the depression. Oddly enough, eating half a chocolate cake for breakfast is not unusual for me. Nevertheless, my saving grace is, I'm a long distance runner and exercise regularly as one of those life forming habits. I exercise purely for physical and mental health reasons, not for any other material or body image reasons. I now eat for comfort, though I'm trying to cut down on the caffeine.
  3. Hi Zareena, I can very much relate to this. It's a very powerful nostalgia but also a very powerfully painful nostalgia. It think about my days growing up, my time as a young adult. I think about family, when my parents were young and raising us and I see them now in their old age. They may be fond memories but for some reason they're also painful, but not in a horrific way. It's good in the sense that it has really brought me closer to family and rewired my life priorities but painful in the sense that it actually deepens my depression. I hope we can use this odd experience to our benefit.
  4. Hi Brian, I can relate very much to this 'anhedonia'. I'm only a years difference in age from you. All I can say is, this perpetual neutral state, while unfulfilled, is a far far far better alternative to the sheer dread and suicidal anxiety of depression. And so I accept my situation as the best of two worlds. My only fear is a relapse into the abyss again, otherwise I try to enjoy what little I can in life. Perhaps one day I can really wake up from this nightmare and enjoy life like a newborn child.
  5. I have no use for a facebook account either. I still have one from many years ago when it was still a novelty to have one. I never log on unless forced too. Having said that, I'm not necessarily against it. It can be a very powerful tool if understood and used correctly. I just have no personal use for it. I don't hate it though.
  6. This is going to sound strange, but my new hobby is web programming. After spending a lifetime running away from anything techie, I decided I'd face my fears head on. So I now spend endless hours coding. It's just as well as I'm a total nervous wreck around other people, so I might as well use my self imposed isolation productively. So far I'm enjoying it, but I've been warned not to assign too much identity with these OCD hobbies. Otherwise, I do a lot of running and I also enjoy cooking.
  7. I'm positive I've been labeled a creep for most of my life. Even my sister says I have this habit of saying the strangest unrelated things that can even come across as insulting from time to time. A lot of it has to do with my social anxiety and my inability to pay attention. It's gotten to a point where I simply accept that people think I'm a creep and leave it at that. I've never been not a creep to people, so it's become a fundamental part of me.
  8. I don't live for a whole lot these days, but I live for sunshine, can't seem to get enough of it these days.
  9. I find that idle time is a real killer for my emotions. If I sit for too long, my mind usually decides it wants to harm me. So lately I've been on a productivity kick. I don't know if this is healthy for me but I've been trying to stay on the move, one step ahead of my mind. I'm trying to juggle work, self-study, chores, exercise, blogging, etc. The only thing missing is a social life which I haven't had in years so I don't really miss it. Some have told me I could be setting myself up for an emotional crash if it all unravels or I don't meet my own internal expectations. When I have idle time to deal with, I go through that mental checklist of things I could be doing productively. Usually I go through that checklist and decide there's nothing I want to do, but I still pick the item that is least undesirable. I already feel myself relapsing, each day is becoming harder and harder. I've been told I need to loosen up a bit, stop being so rough on myself, but to do nothing would invite the bogeyman. So I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this.
  10. Like bigMMA, I call my sister up and chat, that always calms me down from my panic attacks. I also exercise. I've always known that all those years of endless miles running running running running, was a form of therapy. I've always considered it more escapism, but the running did have a positive effect on my brain chemistry. When I've stopped exercising the depression can sink me so deep into a rut that getting back on the treadmill so to speak is nigh impossible. So whenever I can, I try to exercise, it's almost an OCD thing with me. It doesn't solve my life problems but it helps me make it through the day.
  11. Hey T on C. Congratulations on the new job buddy! Sounds like a new beginning. Take care.
  12. The Woman in Black It gave me a massive panic attack in the theater. It wasn't that it was scary, but all the sad and melancholic imagery started my mind churning on how empty my life is. It was a really well put together film and a great story, how ironic that I was too messed up to enjoy it.
  13. (((aiko))) Hi Aiko, welcome, I'm relatively new here too. My undergrad was a 5 year program but I dragged it out to 6 years, then I got a post grad, so I ended up in staying in school too many years for my liking. My brother passed away during my undergrad and I used his passing to petition the faculty to allow me the extra year. I feel so guilty about that. Now that I think about it, I'm not so sure I was using my brother's name in vain. I was truly depressed at that time. You sound a lot like my sister. I don't mind boasting about my sister. She too suffered from depression and ADHD (inattentive type). She never really finished University, yet, she ended up excelling in her career beyond everyone's expectations and is now a lead character animator at a major Hollywood Studio and is married to one of the Producers. I always get a kick out of seeing her name in the movie credits. But before that she was doing odd jobs, from planting trees to doing evening shifts at the local rock climbing gym and hanging out with the wrong crowd. I have one hero in my life, and that is Little Sis. How she was able to overcome her depression, the medication and succeed is still a mystery to me but it just goes to show, it can be done. I hope you find closure with your mother. I hope that you find a pursuit worthy of your time and attention. It's never too late. Take care.
  14. dusk25, you can't believe how much those two quotes resonate with me. I've finally come to realize that being an introvert is my natural element, yet being alone can be the most painful thing in the world. It's like I'm being torn apart either way. When I'm more balanced I can do what I need to do alone, but when I'm going through a rough patch, not having people around is the worst possible thing. I've come to the conclusion that I can't completely alienate people. I think about my parents all the time. I think about that time when they will no longer be there. They've always been there to bail me out whenever I've bungled my life up. One day they won't be there. They've given me everything unquestioningly, unconditionally. Sorry, I don't have any answers, I too wonder about how I will cope for the rest of my life. I am hopeful though, everything I've read suggests this illness can be managed and overcome. Success is possible. Take care.
  15. I wouldn't care either. I'm of the view, there is so much suffering with the current system, any reset no matter how painful would ultimately probably be good for most. So many have already hit rock bottom as it is. I'm not a doomer or anything, but I think we are slowly destroying this planet, society has lost any meaningful purpose. If I were to die tomorrow, I would actually welcome it. Peace at last.
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