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dude333

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Posts posted by dude333

  1. I don't like the victim mentality.  We are adults, and are responsible for our own actions.  I think that if something needs to be changed, then it should be changed.  Also blaming others for our own failings I see as a refusal to take responsibility for one's own actions.  There is too much of that in my nation on both sides of the political spectrum, and I don't want to take part in it.

    I also don't want to be angry.  Anger leads to doing things that might hurt others, and it can lead to hate.  I don't want to be hateful, there is too much of that in the world on all sides also.

  2. When I am overwhelmed with too many things, I focus working on one thing, and hope that if I take care of the one thing then I can work on the next thing and so on.  

    I've been told by counselors that other people have it worse than me.  I don't care, it isn't a competition and I still feel bad.  Comparing oneself to others is not good, I don't know why professionals do it to us.  So regardless of how others have things, your situation is valid too.  

    And with your Pyschology background, you might not agree, but sometimes depression is genetic.  I had a counselor who disagreed with me once about the genetic component of depression.  It leads to a chemical imbalance in the brain.  So for some people, no matter how good things are, if they have the genes for reduced MAOA activity or some other condition, then they will struggle.

  3. I've always dealt with feelings of rejection.  It's been really bad lately.  I really try to be a good person, but I've messed up at times thinking I was doing the right thing but later deciding I was wrong.  I have had really bad self-loathing for that.  So even though I try to be a good person, since hardly anyone likes me and everyone rejects me eventually, there must be something bad about me.  I just don't know what it is.

  4. The first time I was on Welbutrin, I would have hours of rage, and then I would crash and get really depressed.  I refused to take it anymore.  

    The next time I was on Welbutrin, I was also already on Effexor which really smoothed out the Welbutrin effects for me.

    So my experience with Welbutrin is that it is horrible for anxiety but great with mood if it is with another medication to help with the anxiety.  Others may be affected differently though.

  5. I've gotten the radio voices before.  In my case it was like there was a baseball game on the radio.  I used to hear other voices too, like a telepathic connection to some malevolent people who were out to get me.  I have schizoaffective disorder by the way.  However, it is possible to hallucinate due to severe depression, it is called major depressive disorder with psychotic features.

    An anti-psychotic, Abilify, mostly got rid of the hallucinations for me.

  6. I don't know why I even bother.  Hardly anyone, if anyone, even likes me.  I have made online friends, and then they disappear and I have no idea why.  There must be something wrong with me as a person, but I don't know what.

  7. On 5/9/2017 at 5:55 PM, candy22 said:

    Thanks for your reply. Okay. If you don't mind me asking, what attracted you to your wife if she had low self-esteem in the beginning? Not trying to come off as rude but wouldn't that be a red flag if you knew it could cause problems. 

    This response made me feel attacked, so I haven't responded until now.

    I didn't know at the time I met her that her low self-esteem could cause problems.  Even if I had known, I would have preferred relationship problems to being single.  She is the only person who seems to have ever had any interest in me.  I had, and still have, no other options.

  8. I doubt there is a deity but accept that I can't prove it one way or the other.  So I don't know if I am an atheist or agnostic, nor do I care much.  Maybe I should just call myself an heathen.  Or I shall take the Resident Evil series as my books of prophesy?  With the recent AI developments I have been reading, maybe I should go with Terminator instead, and call myself a Luddite.

  9. Since I don't know you, I can't really say anything for sure.  I just know that normal people tend to avoid me probably due to my depression.  As for the confidence issue, going into a relationship with low self-esteem can mean trouble.  My wife has had low self-esteem since I met her, and it has caused trouble for both of us.  For me, talking to her can be scary sometimes, since I don't know how she will react when she gets into her moods.  Also a person with low self-esteem can be taken advantage of by partners, and there are some people out there who prey on those with low self-esteem.  So while I don't think that low self-esteem will scare guys away like depression can, having low self-esteem can certainly be a problem.

  10. I've gone through something similar with my wife, and of course my wife never admitted doing anything wrong, and for years refused to admit there was a problem even when I asked her directly if she was upset at me or something.  Of course she was upset at me, I was angry with her for several years and acted like a jerk while in her eyes I became weak because I got depressed.  And when some women are upset or lose their feelings and respect for their partner, they aren't very physical anymore.  She probably doesn't understand your depression and need for help from her, because she has her own feelings to work through regarding your changes.

  11. First of all, know that it is not your fault that he is depressed.  Secondly, know that depression is an illness and not a choice.  So it isn't his fault either that he is depressed.  Like with any illness, they often just happen due to genetics, years of choices with unintended consequences, etc.  So you have no reason to be upset that he is depressed and can't be a good father or husband.  If he had become paralyzed instead of depressed, would you still be upset with him for no longer being a good father or husband?

    However, you should not have to put up with emotional abuse.  If he is harming you or the kids through intentional behavior (like verbally abusing, threatening physical harm, etc), then I would agree that you have a good reason to leave.

    When I was delusional and angry with my wife, she accused me of being emotionally abusive.  I was angry with her and said some mean things, but so did she.  That doesn't make it right what I did, but it still hurt when she would turn on me for some of the same reasons you have mentioned for separating from your husband.  She kicked me out three times in about 4 years by the way.  When I realized that my anger was due to hallucinations and not reality, I lost my anger and I still feel very remorseful for what I did.

    Do you know if he is angry with you and why?  Solving those questions could possibly change things.

  12. I have had everything happen except the headaches, but I don't think it is the abilify.  I get bored easily, lost my focus, stopped playing guitar and listening to music, and haven't read a full book since I got really depressed in 2007.  I didn't go on abilify until about 2009, so I know those problems are due to my depression rather than the abilify.  I couldn't even watch a movie for several years after 2007.  I do know that abilify really helps my mood, so my focus is even worse without it.

    As for the insomnia, I have dealt with some and it might have had something to do with abilify, but it went away eventually as I adjusted to the abilify.  For me, tobacco causes more insomnia than abilify, because when I was able to quit tobacco for a year or two the insomnia went away completely even though I was still on abilify.  As soon as I resumed tobacco, the insomnia returned.

  13. I recently went through going off abilify, but not by my own choice.  Things kept getting worse until about a month when I was stuck in bed and wanting it all to end.  I don't recommend letting it go that far.  My psychiatrist at the VA finally gave in after my wife called the veterans crisis line and they got involved, and now I am back on abilify fortunately.  Within a couple days I was feeling much better.

    Abilify is known to raise blood sugar levels, I just don't remember how common that side effect is.  My blood pressure, heart rate, and weight all went down during that month I was off abilify, but I would rather deal with those side effects, now that I know what the alternative is.

    I've been on two different statins, atorvastatin sounds familiar and I think the other was lipidor.  I couldn't stay on either because they both made me really physically exhausted and due to my depression issues it was too much for me.  I refuse statins now whenever they get recommended.  Quality over quantify in my opinion as to how much longer I am here.

  14. I suspect they are accusing me of faking hallucinations to get a higher disability rating, but if they would have just looked at my rating and when I last applied, then they would know that is not the case.  In the VA, different conditions get a different disability rating.  Different disability ratings are given different amounts of money for compensation.  It is worker's compensation for the military, as I see it. 

    I have a 50% disability rating for depression, that I filed for around 2009.  It wasn't until around 2012 that they changed my diagnosis to schizophrenia with depression, which I think goes to 80% if someone goes through the process for more benefits.  That is about $1000 a month difference, by the weird math they use.  Thing is, I never applied for more benefits due to schizophrenia because I didn't want to go through the stress of the process.  So it is ridiculous for someone to claim that I am faking hallucinations for more money when it has been about 5 years now that I have refused to apply for more money.  I'm still getting that original 50% for depression that I got around 2009, and nothing more.

    Nothing makes sense, and I wonder if that new guy is connected somehow to the people who ruined my life for whatever reason in the first place.  I just don't know what is going on.

  15. My provider, the Veterans Administration, has decided that I am faking symptoms for some reason.  I don't know why they think that, it is just that a new doctor came in and convinced everyone that I was lying.  I am not even getting increased benefits for shizophrenia or schizoaffective or whatever.  I'm just getting benefits for depression, which they still agree that I have.  I wasn't even told in person that they were taking the abilify away.  I called because my refills ran out, and a nurse called back last week to say that I had to stop taking the abilify and that my prescription was discontinued.  Now after 5 days, the hallucinations are returning and I have some withdrawal problems, but they don't believe anything I say anymore.

  16. My provider, the Veterans Administration, has decided that I am faking hallucinations and so they took away my anti-psychotic abilify.  Thing is, I'm not faking symptoms and really have had a problem with hallucinations before taking the abilify.  The voices became muffled and went away after I went on abilify, and I would only hear random stuff that wasn't there occasionally.  Maybe it worked too well, I don't know.  So my diagnosis changed once again, from schizoaffective to depression with a variety of personality disorders.  If it is in the personality disorder section of the DSM, they throw it at me to see if it sticks.

    Anyways, they told me over the phone last week to stop taking it when I tried to get a refill and saw there were no more refills, so I stopped taking it last week.  No weaning period or anything, just cold turkey quitting from a normal maintenance dose of 10 mg.  I've been going through withdrawals of increased anxiety and worse mood, so I have been in bed most of the time.  Tonight I am having trouble because the hallucinations are coming back after 5 days of being off of it.  Nothing serious yet, just annoying.  I hear a cat purring, but no cat is purring.  My wife couldn't hear a cat purring either.  It is annoying because it wouldn't stop and I knew it wasn't real.

    I see the prescriber next week and hopefully my wife can come and talk some sense into them.  Maybe they will believe my wife before things get seriously bad.  I used to hallucinate conversations with people, and I would get really confused.  I don't want to be a bad person, and I want to have a stable home environment for the kids, so if things get bad again my wife and I agreed that I would have to "go".  My idea of "going" is probably different than what my wife is thinking, but maybe she would benefit from a malpractice suit against the VA if things get really bad due to them refusing me the meds I need.  I don't know what else to do with the VA if they continue to refuse me the abilify.

  17. I find very little pleasure in life.  Pleasure is not worth living for in my life, since there is so little of it.  So my desire to have something to live for is not senseless angst, but a hope to have something with which to push through my misery.  When I was a Christian, even though I was miserable, I had a purpose with which to push through my misery.  That is why I mentioned that in my original post, I guess I wasn't clear though.  The main thing that has kept me alive is my fear of intense pain, and death usually comes with pain.  That isn't something to live for, a fear of pain.  I recognize that life is an accident and meaningless, I was just hoping that someone might come up with something to help get through misery since I have trouble experiencing pleasure.

  18. On 1/5/2017 at 11:06 PM, bohemian_artist said:

    Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? ... *TRIGGER WARNINGS*  *TRIGGER WARNINGS* 

    I'm an agnostic (former Catholic as a child) who in-the-now believes in God as a creator, but not in Jesus or Christianity.  I don't resonate with Christian concepts.  The rub is that my brother (who stays with me since he lost his job) is a Christian Fundamentalist.  His strong, in-your-face beliefs are difficult to be around sometimes despite my earnest efforts to ease conflict between us.

    I do my best to respect his religion and not run-down his belief system.  He, on the other hand, doesn't pay me the same respect.  For instance, it's a bit hard to describe, but today I mentioned it was a rough day and starting to explain a bit of why - and he cut me off, interrupted, snapped at me, and literally started screaming bible verses at me.  I guess his point was that I shouldn't feel it's a tough day because of verse this-chapter that.  It's always stuff that's so general too that I find no logic in how it translates to informing any life situation or decision.  I respect that it's meaningful to him though - it's just not for me.  And what he's doing is talking at me, not with me (or screaming, as the case may be).

    I'm weary of having to edit myself and walk on eggshells, so as to not spark-off one of his fuses - it's not in my nature to do so.  And certainly it's not helping my depression and anxiety.  (Yea, I've tried talking with him about it to see if we could work through it.)

    In the broader scheme, it's worth noting that a lot of this conflict corners on his guilt for not working.  He feels bad that my job situation is rough and that I'm bearing all financial costs - but instead of just saying something normal and honest (like I'm sorry your day was tough; it reminds me of how lousy I feel for not being back on my feet): he yells at me,using his religion as cause to be dismissive, insensitive, and frankly manipulative.  

    Our differences in religious beliefs shouldn't be a big deal - but he amplifies it so that it is, and makes tough situations more difficult in the process.

    As a former fundamentalist, I've been on both sides of this.  I've received it from those more conservative than me, and I have cited verses quite a bit myself in the past to make a point.  So I believe I can try to give a different perspective.  I believe, not knowing your brother of course but having been in a similar mindset, that your brother loves you very much and is fearful for the destination of your soul.  He probably believes that conflict is a necessary means to save your soul, which is his goal.  Unfortunately for you, you are his target in saving your soul.  As to how to deal with this, I am not sure without distancing yourself, which may be impossible at this time and very sad if it comes to that.  Perhaps you could try to understand that he does love you and care about you, he is just misguided and afraid for you.  Afterall, most people wouldn't want their sister to burn in hell for eternity if they could help it.  So when he gets frustrated with you and starts shouting verses at you, try to keep in mind that he thinks he is trying to save you and probably thinks that you are just being stubborn.  Maybe you could try directly telling him that you recognize his concern for you, but that you have no intention of ever becoming a fundamentalist or Bible-believing Christian.

    But don't be surprised if he cuts you off at some point once he realizes that you won't be born again at this time.  I have seen fundamentalists cut friends and family off when these guys think that the friends and family might interfere with their spiritual growth.  This especially happens when someone has recently been born again, and is insecure in their own developing faith.

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