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dude333

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    107
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About dude333

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 04/11/1974

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Missouri
  • Interests
    not much

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1,130 profile views
  1. Alternative Thinking: Agnosticism

    I doubt there is a deity but accept that I can't prove it one way or the other. So I don't know if I am an atheist or agnostic, nor do I care much. Maybe I should just call myself an heathen. Or I shall take the Resident Evil series as my books of prophesy? With the recent AI developments I have been reading, maybe I should go with Terminator instead, and call myself a Luddite.
  2. Since I don't know you, I can't really say anything for sure. I just know that normal people tend to avoid me probably due to my depression. As for the confidence issue, going into a relationship with low self-esteem can mean trouble. My wife has had low self-esteem since I met her, and it has caused trouble for both of us. For me, talking to her can be scary sometimes, since I don't know how she will react when she gets into her moods. Also a person with low self-esteem can be taken advantage of by partners, and there are some people out there who prey on those with low self-esteem. So while I don't think that low self-esteem will scare guys away like depression can, having low self-esteem can certainly be a problem.
  3. First timer on a forum. Heart is so confused mind is so restless...  trust issues are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. 

  4. My Wife is Clueless

    I've gone through something similar with my wife, and of course my wife never admitted doing anything wrong, and for years refused to admit there was a problem even when I asked her directly if she was upset at me or something. Of course she was upset at me, I was angry with her for several years and acted like a jerk while in her eyes I became weak because I got depressed. And when some women are upset or lose their feelings and respect for their partner, they aren't very physical anymore. She probably doesn't understand your depression and need for help from her, because she has her own feelings to work through regarding your changes.
  5. First of all, know that it is not your fault that he is depressed. Secondly, know that depression is an illness and not a choice. So it isn't his fault either that he is depressed. Like with any illness, they often just happen due to genetics, years of choices with unintended consequences, etc. So you have no reason to be upset that he is depressed and can't be a good father or husband. If he had become paralyzed instead of depressed, would you still be upset with him for no longer being a good father or husband? However, you should not have to put up with emotional abuse. If he is harming you or the kids through intentional behavior (like verbally abusing, threatening physical harm, etc), then I would agree that you have a good reason to leave. When I was delusional and angry with my wife, she accused me of being emotionally abusive. I was angry with her and said some mean things, but so did she. That doesn't make it right what I did, but it still hurt when she would turn on me for some of the same reasons you have mentioned for separating from your husband. She kicked me out three times in about 4 years by the way. When I realized that my anger was due to hallucinations and not reality, I lost my anger and I still feel very remorseful for what I did. Do you know if he is angry with you and why? Solving those questions could possibly change things.
  6. I have had everything happen except the headaches, but I don't think it is the abilify. I get bored easily, lost my focus, stopped playing guitar and listening to music, and haven't read a full book since I got really depressed in 2007. I didn't go on abilify until about 2009, so I know those problems are due to my depression rather than the abilify. I couldn't even watch a movie for several years after 2007. I do know that abilify really helps my mood, so my focus is even worse without it. As for the insomnia, I have dealt with some and it might have had something to do with abilify, but it went away eventually as I adjusted to the abilify. For me, tobacco causes more insomnia than abilify, because when I was able to quit tobacco for a year or two the insomnia went away completely even though I was still on abilify. As soon as I resumed tobacco, the insomnia returned.
  7. Get back on abilify after 3 weeks?

    I recently went through going off abilify, but not by my own choice. Things kept getting worse until about a month when I was stuck in bed and wanting it all to end. I don't recommend letting it go that far. My psychiatrist at the VA finally gave in after my wife called the veterans crisis line and they got involved, and now I am back on abilify fortunately. Within a couple days I was feeling much better. Abilify is known to raise blood sugar levels, I just don't remember how common that side effect is. My blood pressure, heart rate, and weight all went down during that month I was off abilify, but I would rather deal with those side effects, now that I know what the alternative is. I've been on two different statins, atorvastatin sounds familiar and I think the other was lipidor. I couldn't stay on either because they both made me really physically exhausted and due to my depression issues it was too much for me. I refuse statins now whenever they get recommended. Quality over quantify in my opinion as to how much longer I am here.
  8. I suspect they are accusing me of faking hallucinations to get a higher disability rating, but if they would have just looked at my rating and when I last applied, then they would know that is not the case. In the VA, different conditions get a different disability rating. Different disability ratings are given different amounts of money for compensation. It is worker's compensation for the military, as I see it. I have a 50% disability rating for depression, that I filed for around 2009. It wasn't until around 2012 that they changed my diagnosis to schizophrenia with depression, which I think goes to 80% if someone goes through the process for more benefits. That is about $1000 a month difference, by the weird math they use. Thing is, I never applied for more benefits due to schizophrenia because I didn't want to go through the stress of the process. So it is ridiculous for someone to claim that I am faking hallucinations for more money when it has been about 5 years now that I have refused to apply for more money. I'm still getting that original 50% for depression that I got around 2009, and nothing more. Nothing makes sense, and I wonder if that new guy is connected somehow to the people who ruined my life for whatever reason in the first place. I just don't know what is going on.
  9. Senate blocks gun rule

    The federal US law is that if you have been involuntarily committed to a hospital or deemed unstable by a judge then you can't buy a gun. So when they put you in the psych ward, if you sign the paper saying you are willing to go then you are still allowed to buy a gun in most states after you get out. I suspect some states like California are harsher than that on the mentally ill. But one time being involuntarily committed, and you'll never have your rights restored in any state as far as I know. I believe the gun law being blocked recently was actually the executive order that Obama tried to sneak through without legislative approval before he left. It specifically went after people on disability for mental issues, who had someone else managing their finances. Some similar effort went after veterans in the VA too, I don't know what happened with that one. The problem the Senate had, was that Obama's executive order deprived people of rights without due process. Perhaps the government should deprive certain people of rights, but only with due process and with a method in place of people being able to have their rights restored when they are better. I believe that scapegoating the mentally ill for gun violence is not just a dangerous political ploy, but it will prevent some people from seeking treatment if that means they will forever lose some of their rights. Case in point, I've been in and out of psych wards since I was in the army. If I had thought that I would lose my rights by going in for treatment, then I would not have gone in.
  10. I've never had the brand name stuff. The generic Effexor does make me sweat a lot though, and I haven't had the concentration to finish reading a book since Ive been on it. Regarding mood and anxiety, it helps me with calming my anxiety and it levels my mood.
  11. I'm going through psychiatrists no longer believing me either, so I agree it is very depressing. My hallucinations aren't nearly as bad as yours though, I wish I could give some good advice on how to get help. Anti-psychotics when they were prescribed to me in the past were effective in suppressing my hallucinations, although they never fully left.
  12. You are probably right, I might have to go outside the VA and try something cheaper.
  13. Abilify for YOU: Help or Hinder?

    My provider, the Veterans Administration, has decided that I am faking symptoms for some reason. I don't know why they think that, it is just that a new doctor came in and convinced everyone that I was lying. I am not even getting increased benefits for shizophrenia or schizoaffective or whatever. I'm just getting benefits for depression, which they still agree that I have. I wasn't even told in person that they were taking the abilify away. I called because my refills ran out, and a nurse called back last week to say that I had to stop taking the abilify and that my prescription was discontinued. Now after 5 days, the hallucinations are returning and I have some withdrawal problems, but they don't believe anything I say anymore.
  14. My provider, the Veterans Administration, has decided that I am faking hallucinations and so they took away my anti-psychotic abilify. Thing is, I'm not faking symptoms and really have had a problem with hallucinations before taking the abilify. The voices became muffled and went away after I went on abilify, and I would only hear random stuff that wasn't there occasionally. Maybe it worked too well, I don't know. So my diagnosis changed once again, from schizoaffective to depression with a variety of personality disorders. If it is in the personality disorder section of the DSM, they throw it at me to see if it sticks. Anyways, they told me over the phone last week to stop taking it when I tried to get a refill and saw there were no more refills, so I stopped taking it last week. No weaning period or anything, just cold turkey quitting from a normal maintenance dose of 10 mg. I've been going through withdrawals of increased anxiety and worse mood, so I have been in bed most of the time. Tonight I am having trouble because the hallucinations are coming back after 5 days of being off of it. Nothing serious yet, just annoying. I hear a cat purring, but no cat is purring. My wife couldn't hear a cat purring either. It is annoying because it wouldn't stop and I knew it wasn't real. I see the prescriber next week and hopefully my wife can come and talk some sense into them. Maybe they will believe my wife before things get seriously bad. I used to hallucinate conversations with people, and I would get really confused. I don't want to be a bad person, and I want to have a stable home environment for the kids, so if things get bad again my wife and I agreed that I would have to "go". My idea of "going" is probably different than what my wife is thinking, but maybe she would benefit from a malpractice suit against the VA if things get really bad due to them refusing me the meds I need. I don't know what else to do with the VA if they continue to refuse me the abilify.
  15. Abilify for YOU: Help or Hinder?

    It helped control my hallucinations. Now that my provider took it away, the hallucinations are coming back.