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About mrrd100

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    My own world
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    Music, Video Games, Anime, Psychology, Socialogy

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  1. When you naturally have a healing aura, you attract alot of damage people, and having them in your life could drain your energy to the max. A reminder that its not your job to heal everyone that you encounter. You cant pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first. -Christopher Walken-

  2. Its interesting how a support staff can see what im going thru and give great words of encouragement. This is also the problem tho is that most people dont care and all my support comes from professionals or people who are in training to help others. I cant call my therapist, social worker, nurse practitioner, or care coordinator to hang out. Im basically in a downward spiral and just like usual will have to tough it out. Im also really on edge so either im gonna take a PRN, call a hotline or both. I honestly am having trouble thinking of something to type without being super negative and going into victim mode. I just dont want to hate myself because other people dont understand me. Its always been like this and the only person who I ever really connected with me also broke my heart. I havent for years found anyone to connect with on that same level. Im sure im guarding myself from being hurt by others but at the same time no one is showing me in my personal life that i can let my guard down. People always try to make the case that its all about your actions but its really not. Thats a fundamental flaw of psychology not including sociology. Your influenced by others as much as by your own self talk. All i seem to be able to do is continue to learn and hope to one day be able to use this knowledge to help others. I just dont know if i can deal with that burden on top of all the stress i deal with and will continue to deal with.
  3. I just feel like im trying hard to improve myself and people arent supportive. I either stay by myself but dont feel judged or try to let people in and feel social pressure to be something im not. I have tried to make more friends but having depression and not working at the moment causes alot of rejection. People's judgements go from why am i depressed, to not working, to isolating and not motivated, to why am i so positive or uplifting. I hope that i will find people who will accept me for me but Im 33 and it hasnt happened yet. I basically struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD. A lot of people are conditioned to think there is something wrong in my actions not my brain chemistry. I just started EMDR therapy to hopefully deal with my PTSD as well as having a weekly therapy session. I feel like im feeling way better but also struggling heavily at times on the medications im on. I was basically taking morning meds that would keep me up late cause it gave me lots of energy. My night meds were making me fall asleep but giving me problems waking up early. I ended up lowering dosages on my morning and night meds. I feel more balanced but im still struggling heavily at times with motivation and coping with stress.
  4. I want to say thank you to anyone who responded or even read this. The sad truth is that im struggling even more now. I have rage when i think about my past difficulties and how they effect me today. Ive spent years of my life in recovery and sometimes it feels pointless. Im not saying it is pointless but i struggle with that thought. I hope this is all worth it. My brain is kinda foggy at the moment. Ive been having to take my anxiety medication everyday. Its prescribed as needed and im definitely in need of it. Im trying not to let my very dark and depressing thoughts get the best of me. I guess thats probably my ego talking tho. I can say they have gotten the best of me for years. Its just all i can do is fight until i cant fight anymore. Im not sure if other people do this but im very depressed at the moment but i guess i deny it to myself. Its like the only way i can survive these miserable times. Im not sure the rules of this forum so hopefully this doesnt go against it. I just feel so angry at the world. I know deep down who i am and what i want to do with my life. Its just none of that is working out. I barely can work entry level jobs or have worked them. Ive been so depressed my whole life that it starts to take away my inner strength. Im sure what i was really going to say was against the rules so i wont say it. I will just say to think the type of thoughts i think is cruel to your own humanity. Ive never hurt anyone or myself basically. I dont plan on it either. Its just all i can do is hope for better days cause this pain is more than anyone should take. Im sure ill get thru this but at what cost. Its been eating away at me until i feel like im going to be a bitter beatdown shell of a person. The one good thing i can take away from this is im trying to focus on baby steps towards getting better. I usually go all out and dont really accomplish much. Its like an all or nothing burnout.
  5. You matter to yourself and im sure someone out there. It might not be right now but hopefully one day it can and will happen. As strange as this sounds its better you wrote this. I know the worst thing you can do is not say something. Ive always tried to hold on to some type of hope. Our minds have a weird way of twisting things into irrational thinking. I think you took a good step in calling the hotlines too. Your trying so try and give yourself some credit. Its all about trying to see what works for us and what doesnt. You have the mindset to get things done. Thats also another good thing. Theres always a chance things could get better. I mean if they can get worse then there has to be a flip side to it or at least thats what i think. I still think of the S word when things get really bad. Its never been fun but i cant see myself going thru with it. I just have to find some way to fight with myself to not do it. Also knowing a complete stranger can care to help is a powerful thing. Its been a lifesaver for me a few times. You have alot of knowledge about what you want to fix about your life. Now its just about taking the small steps to make things better. It could be as simple as one thing a day or a week or a month. I would keep writing and trying to get any help you can get.
  6. I guess this is about me isolating. I have very bad social anxiety. I also dont really get alot of support from family and friends. I focus on therapy and medication pretty much. I hope to one day work in the psychology field. I do worry if ill be able to handle the work to get there. I havent written anything on here in a very long time so im kinda all over the place lol. I have had sleep problems from as long as i can remember. I used to have really troubling nightmares as a kid. It would be a every night thing. It probably had to do with me not being able to deal with the seperation of my parents and living with my grandmother instead. It turned out for the better but as a child you do things by human nature. I know im way better off living with my grandmother. I guess in my teens it was isolating and not liking being in school settings. Im basically not someone who cares about popularity or being cool. Im definitely usually an outsider in social settings. I would do good in school when i was there but i lacked motivation and goals. Ive always been a late bloomer i guess lol. Now as im older things are very clear what my focus is. Its just getting the steps done to accomplish them. Im very much in a small comfort zone. I tend to spend all my time either on my computer or playing video games. I also go to a therapy program a few times a week. I havent been able to keep a job for more than a few months at a time. I live off of disablity and have been for years. Its definitely better than being homeless. I just want to really live the life i want or could. I see that im capable but not able to live that life. Depression and anxiety have been controlling my life since i was a child. So im sure its chronic depression and anxiety. Im always going to have to live with it. I just need to find different ways to manage it if thats possible lol. I usually rant on and on so im kinda surprised that i dont have alot more to say. I guess ill have those days less often hopefully. I do feel like sometimes my depression is so bad its scares me. Its like i dont want to go to sleep cause im afraid ill have another bad day. I just cant stay up forever either lol. That would be a horrible way to go lol. I guess thats the irrational part of my brain taking over. I was gonna put another lol there but i had to stop myself. Im basically using this as a journal of sorts. I hope that someone here gets me. Im sure theres at least one person out there. Im just not very good at finding them.
  7. I know you said you couldnt explain everything in detail so im just basing this on what you wrote. I do feel there is more going on than what you wrote. Its seem you are very hard on yourself. It can be good to be critical of yourself to push yourself but not to the point where its hurting you. I think you could gain alot from having your perspective changed alittle. Im not saying everything your going thru isnt worth feeling someway about. I think the issues with your mother's job and having to find a new job are very stressful. If your a good employee i wouldnt think critical of myself for that. I could say from experience that people do tend to want you to keep busy while working but again every job is different. If you completed all the work early and the rest of the time you can relax all the better. You talked about feeling tense alot so maybe try to find some hobbies or relaxing activities. You sound also like an over-thinker so maybe finding anything that can take your mind off of things that are stressing you out would benefit you. It would be a healthy distraction.
  8. Im sorry i keep doing this. I write my heart out and just disappear. I read all the responses but my mind isnt in a place to respond right now. Im still struggling with all these issues so i guess its not much of an update. I keep going into the same cycles over and over again with my ex. I tried so hard to be friends and just friends this time. Its just it doesnt work out for me. I have this traumatic feeling everytime i think of her being with anyone. Its like my whole body shuts down. I literally have been in bed all day for the past 2 and a half days. I tried to fake it but its not gonna work out as friends. I keep telling myself im a smart person but i keep playing the fool in all of this. Its gonna be hard to write this but time hasnt been so good to me. Its been close to 9 years that we broke up. Its like my life since then has been a complete depression episode. Its really too painful to even think about. Sorry but im gonna need to get my mind off of this. I guess maybe its better i just try to help out others on this forum.
  9. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I also have tried to understand how my break-up with my ex has been traumatic for me. I spend almost all my time by myself. I see that i treat mostly everyone better than i get treated in return. Im not sure how to really deal with that. I dont want to be a loner all my life but my values and morals seem to make it difficult to make connections. I guess its my stubbornness but truly its my values. I dont really like being anything but respectful. I dont follow society norms and maybe thats why its so hard to connect with people. I can say sometimes you can be too nice to the wrong person who will take advantage of your kindness. I have alot of built up emotions and sometimes it feels like my thoughts are all scrambled up. I guess thats why i always feel overwhelmed. I also have alot of walls built up to protect myself. Its just I dont want them to get in the way. I truly want to get better but i struggle so much with alot of things that could make things better. I feel like im holding myself back cause i dont know how to deal with the pain of reality. I am heartbroken all the time. I was in a relationship with my best friend but it couldnt work cause of distance. Also she doesnt want to keep hurting me cause I cant seem to get over her. I used to think that was her way of thinking cause of her abusive past. Her dad was abusive to her as a child. I think shes also going thru abuse emotionally with her mom who has cancer. Shes her caretaker but she gets treated like shes the bad one. I see maybe its not the best situation to be in cause of all her struggles. Its just im not good with the idea of abandoning someone it seems cause of my abandonment issues. I dont know how to deal with her wanting to abandon me as well. The unfortunate thing for me is she will be in a relationship with someone who has cheated and treated her poorly over and over again. Its just hes around her which for whatever reasons I havent been able to live near her. I guess this is where i confess that ive never met her in person. I really wish i could of but it never happened cause of money. I just dont like the idea of meeting someone who i get along with so well most of the time but never getting to enjoy that relationship in person. I guess for most people thats a head scratching moment but im not lying. Ive had alot of anger and resentment for going thru all of this. I dont even know how i still hold on but its been part of my life for years now. Its just i dont want to be foolish either and leave everything just to be with someone who isnt sure she wants to be with me. I say that cause for quite some time we tried to be friends but i couldnt handle that. I then tell her i have to stop talking to her cause its too painful. She then got really emotional and said she didnt know what to do. I then changed everything and was like i wont stop right now. She then told me she still had feelings for me which i knew but she wouldnt admit. She then says she needs to stop talking to me cause she doesnt want feel like shes cheating emotionally on her boyfriend as well. She also said something else that i cant remember but its just like i still have feelings for you but i dont want to be with you. I guess that would be the breaking point but it just confuses me even more. I than reached out to her one more time a few days ago. I basically said it like i dont care whats happened cause i still have the same feelings that ive had all this time. That didnt really change anything because shes still in a relationship that shes unhappy with or maybe thinks shes happy with. Im really just out of words anymore. My brain has been devoured by my life of all of this. I feel like she doesnt consider how i feel which i feel is really important in any relationship. Ive only been in one long-term relationship with her. I try to give myself hope that there is better out there for me. I guess i just dont believe its true. I struggle alot now with believing good things to be true. I feel like im not gonna get the same chances or breaks other people will. I dont know why but i guess with all the stuff i go thru its just part of me right now. I edited this after i finished but it didnt post. I guess it signed me out for how long it took. I guess ill re-edit whatever i did later cause i need to get some sleep.
  10. I read your post and wish i could help more. Im kinda in a spot where i feel depressed and anxious all the time too. It throws your head into a downward spiral easily. I deal with some of the same issues. I dont really have support, my family is toxic, my friends are ok but they dont get my depression or anxiety. I also was the super happy one but it wasnt really based on my surroundings. I tried to be super happy to break the cycle of my family with depression. It was ok for awhile but then i had a break-up that i dont know how to heal from. Its been so long too sometimes its like all i know. You sound like your being really aware of everything which can be good if you keep it in check. Sometimes its not good to keep thinking about all the bad things in your life right now if you can control it. Sometimes you cant sometimes you can. Its all about learning to live and find ways to cope. I think your doing things that you could be proud. Some people dont look for help or keep fighting. It also sounds like everything is so new for you. I would try to find ways to learn to be nice to yourself. It seems like your always trying to please everyone but yourself. Everything can definitely be scary but know alot of people have been thru this. Its one of the hardest things to go thru. Its gonna take alot of work but it can be done. I know it all sounds so easy but learn to appreciate and be grateful for the ones who are trying to support you. I dont know your boyfriend but it seems like he tries to be nice to you. Maybe he doesnt get your depression but no one can completely understand one another. It takes communication and compassion to get some understanding. If nothing i say helps just DONT try to hurt yourself or worse. That takes a nasty toll on your psyche and your body. I always had the fear if i tried to do something and i lived afterwards how much worse it would be. Its not gonna happen overnight but you can survive and one day hopefully be your happy self again.
  11. I appreciate the responses because like i said i really dont have anyone to exchange words with. Sometimes im just fighting with the idea if things will get better cause ive been going thru this my whole life. My therapist said it would be good for me to see that im not the only one going thru this by joining a forum. I think I tried using meetup.com but i wasnt feeling well. Im also not working so money is a problem. I am starting school later this month so hopefully that helps me somewhat. Ive gone to the closest depression support group but my issues were more severe then the people there so it triggered my loneliness. I am taking medications but they more stop me from doing really bad then help me do better. I do see progress with myself getting better it just takes alot of time. Im going to get supported housing when it becomes available so that should be a big relief. Im trying to stay strong so i can make things better but like ive written here with everything im going thru its very difficult sometimes.
  12. Hi i just signed up to this site because of advice from my therapist. I have extreme loneliness meaning i spend almost my whole day alone. I live in a house with 10 people but i dont get along with my family. I either have the choice to stay alone or be around my toxic family. Its not much of a choice so i pick staying alone. Ive had extreme depression where i was suicidal and mentally not there. I also suffer from social anxiety but my depression has force me to try to be social. Its just it doesnt seem to work for me. Im too good to people and am very mature for my age. As i was growing up i would spend all my time in my dream world. Its just everything changed after my breakup from my 1st love. I havent been with her for almost 5 years but its still hard. I never felt the type of bond as a friend and girlfriend that i had with her. I know it didnt work out and i have no contact with her but it just seems to be a horrible thing to go thru. I feel like being a loner isnt a choice but is forced on you because you are an outsider. Im sure it can help you be an individual but with depression it triggers extreme anxiety and negative thoughts. Also having depression in it self can cause you to lose touch with people as a whole. I know i will spend alot of time venting here just cause i dont have anyone to talk to. I feel like maybe people will understand me more here but its also hard cause depression can cause relationships to not work out. Im a friendly person but like ive said before it doesnt seem to change how different i am. I gues thats all i can say for now.
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