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Chewie

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  1. I live alone in the uk and most of my friends live pretty far out, I'd really love to meetup with someone who also suffers from depression. PM me if you'd like to meet. Or alternatively we could organise a group meet?
  2. Yeah I do that loads, just sit in bed waste the day and then I'm more miserable about the waste of life while everyone has fun and how the stuff I needed to do I didn;t do :/
  3. I've had depression since I left home for university, if I had it before then it was milder. At the moment I am on no medication, and a waiting list for counselling I'm feeling less suicidal and a bit more competent, I'm very lonely still and my life seems a bit crap but I don't feel I have time to think about it as much. I live alone I thought this would be character building and after only a week I stopped getting scared at night or anxious so I was very proud. It's not so bad but it's hard work, I work from home as an escort so I have to manage my clients and my advertising like a real company, phones and timekeeping aren't my strong points so that can be hard for me so an agency is taking me on next week which will lessen some of that responsibility. Uni is getting hard for me I really struggle to go in I feel I'm more on top of work this year but it still isn't good enough. There's problems with my internet which is complicated to explain but my landlady is at fault, my boyfriend has to call the companies for me and her because I get too angry and so I can't really deal with it myself. This is stressful for me, I hate the nasty tone of letters from tv licensing people I don't have a TV I've told them now but the tone just adds to my stress same with leccy company etc. Uni have just sent me a nasty threatening email too. I find it hard to go outside a lot of the time, and hard to cook for myself some days, I never really have or make time to see people. I waste a lot of time on the net or reading as it's my only escape what I really really want in my life is a helper, just for say a week someone who can organise me help me get up on time make sure I go to lessons help me fit in housework and my escort work help me deal with my landlady. Once I do these things I feel more confident to do them myself, I need a routine really but it's impossible to establish one. My partner tries to help me a lot, but then I feel like a child which makes me feel more helpless. I just feel so pathetic, I don't feel or care about how I look beyond entertaining my clients, I don't feel capable of anything and the whole world feels like it's shouting at me to do this and that, I wish adulthood had been gradual. I've moved out before and had a partner living with me I had one year of just working when I deferred uni, so I've done this before it isn't new but every time i feel like a babe in the wood not a competent adult whose on top of things. Even washing dishes drives me insane, I can't seem to get all the stuff off... Housework isn't something I've been taught, time management not something I was taught, running an escort business I had to learn for myself, cooking I taught myself and I guess I got myself to uni, it's such a shame that it's the basic everyday things that I can't do. Being on time etc. is impossible for me but if you sat me down and said hey we need a knew perspective on a social problem I could do that, if you asked me for advise on any sex industry related work I could help, relationship advise I'm good at objectively, cooking nice food I can do, but talking to major companies on the phone without dissolving into tears, or lately talking to anyone. I want to stop feeling like an *****. I bet even how I wrote this doesn't sound appealing. Depression makes me boring I never feel I belong and the longer it goes on the less I have to talk about other than my misery maybe it isn't depression any more I don't even know.
  4. After the intial adjustment period I felt better on my meds (citalopram) but then I started to feel like life lost all it's meaning to me. I'd say I was agnostic but on reflection I'm probably an omnist I believe there is probably SOMETHING, and one thing I've always believed is I'm special and that everyone's personality or soul or whatever is sanctimonious that it transcends all this material crap. As I felt my meds seep more and more into my brain it started to challenge this that I'm just a pile of chemistry and cells and a puppet and I have no free will and if I mean nothing well obviously neither does anything else, everything started to look pointless as opposed to unbearable, I could function better now and I did but I didn't see the point now, my white light the idea of a white light well had gone, obviously being depressed I'd had long periods of I won't get out of this there is no hope etc. but the point was I wanted out of it or to die trying now suddenly it was all pointless and worthless and so was I. The meds stopped being much help anyways I no longer got teary as much, but I started to worry a lot about being forced into things, I felt disembodied, sometimes my body went numb, I lost my balance, I was out more doing things but only to escape thinking about how pointless this all is, I didn't want to die, what's the point in that the pain had gone. I wanted to **** with myself, I started drinking more I'm not a heavy drinker but it brought me closer to my premed self. I wanted to be reckless, if someone passed me illegal drugs right now I'd be like might as well it all means nothing anyways. I concluded that I wasn't okay with amputating part of my personality with meds, I clearly missed myself, I thought if I miss me and no one minded me being a hot mess why am I on these D*** pills? So I thought about it, 10% of the population die prematurely from depression only over taken by cancer and heart disease? A 1/4 are suffering from depression or anxiety, In my hometown a 1/3 of teenagers have a mental illness. However and maybe due to under reporting this seems like a fairly recent epidemic. I do sociology so it led me to a conclusion about my own depression at least, maybe I'm not ill at all, depression is hopelessness not being able to cope being in mental agony with no apparent cause, what if it's that I can't cope and I'm in agony because I'm incompatible with modern society maybe this is where all this depression came from? I can believe that. The isolation etc. I'm sure this is far from a new idea but I decided instead of suppressing myself to work with myself. I really love myself very much after all we're stuck with ourselves for life and on these meds I don't like myself anymore I feel under-confident and unattractive, I forget to eat properly too because it doesn't feel like my body. I want to feel again, I want my god back and I want to care about the sun shining on me, I want to embrace the pain I feel sometimes, and accept that sometimes I find life to hard but keep trying. Ironically I'm filled with optimism for coming off these D*** meds. I'm excited, I think I can do this now it's helped me see myself differently, love and miss myself, I'll speak with the uni councillor, ask my doc about coming off. I might be a bit cuckoo or a bit different by most standards but I love me and so do my friends so I won't let it be called an illness I am not ill. My experiences don't represent everyones obviously, but it's not our fault we're not dysfunctional we're just incompatible. My cuz who suffers from schizophrenia freaked when he heard how my meds were making me feel, told me to get the hell off them and pretty much everyone agrees if they're not helping I should try without I can always go back on. Has anyone else been upset by meds compromising their personal philosophy, I still feel a bit puzzled about how I feel about chemicals invading my brain but I feel my sense of self will prevail, that I still have sanctity. None of my friends could really help, they're generally hard core atheists and happy with the concept of life having no meaning, sadly I just can't except that or the whole 'make your own meaning'. Thanks in advance I really hope you guys can give me some feedback.
  5. I'm on 20mg of citalopram a day, I feel better than when I wasn't on them but I still often feel very fatigued or just numb and have to take time off. Sometimes I still get depression, kinda one week good, one week bad. I'm thinking of having my dosages upped. However I occasionally forget a dose, I don't remember to take them at the same time either and I still go for a few cocktails a day or so a week (Which I'm sure I read makes them inaffective) I was wondering to what extent is this rendering them less effective. That and today I missed for the first time two days in a row (due to not picking up my prescription because I felt too drained), I feel very fragile and emotional and I want some company, however I'm dreading my mum coming home because she's pretty depressed atm and I just can't take hearing how miserable she is any more, whatever I say can't help her (and obviously I know that from my own experience) and seeing her suffer without going to the doctor is making me even more miserable. I hate my life being ruled by this stupid depression bulls***, I hate being immobilised by it. I just really need some hugs right now.
  6. So I'm supposed to have dysthymia (chronic low mood) according to my doc which was a conclusion I'd kinda come to after reading about it. I initially thought I had premenstrual depression as the heavy episodes of it came in short bursts. Turns out actually that I have low mood in between I just don't notice. I reckon it's probably something I've maybe had a lot longer if not always had and never realised. My mum has had depression, so I wonder if I inherited that disposition. I'd tried everything, positive thinking, being proactive, breaking up with my bf and being single, dating someone optimistic and motivated, I moved away from home went to uni, I quit uni, I worked, I moved into my dream flat, I surrounded myself by my closest friends, i gave it all up and moved back in with my mum. None of the things i thought were causing it were and finally at a loss I went to see the doctor and tried meds, I'd tried prozac for a week when I had bad anxiety, it just made me suicidal, so I'd written off all meds. I read about the first two weeks or being crap, had awful side effects some were very embarrassing and got pretty sucidal but stuck it out. Then one day I wake up and I had energy! I actually started doing my revision instead of looking at it glumly, I went to the gym, I went out with my ex boyfriend and we had a nice day, I dealt with my dads moodiness and didn't let it get to me, in fact my cheeriness cheered him up too! I started cooking again, and I broke away from the internet which I've been pretty dependant on for 5 years now, I managed to only use it for a little while and not all day. I started reading books again bear in mind I'm a little restricted atm because I'm studying for exams so after that I'LL BE DOING EVEN MORE YIPEE! However there's one thing that's being playing on my mind... I think everyone has something they're a little dependant on, some things less harmful than others. I really don't mind if mine is citalopram, it's pure and made in a lab and I have few side effects. I don't eat badly, I don't take any other medication or hormonal contrceptives, I don't smoke, drink heavily, do recreational drugs anymore and I'm not dependant on the net and others so much now. My only fear is that all I've read is about people wanting to be off their meds, I never ever ever want to be off these, I feel like I should have felt all along. I'm scared that maybe one day my doctor won't give me anymore or something bad like that... Can they do that?!
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