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Judge

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  1. I only read your OP but I'm in the exact opposite predicament. I'm still in a rut in life, angry a lot, my family doesn't take me seriously, can't get a job.... but my physical health is great. I'm exercising nearly every day, getting a lot of sun, eating well, pretty much everything. I know if I started taking meds again it might help my mental health (big maybe because it makes many things worse for me) and my physical health would deteriorate. Pretty much all meds, not just psych meds are horrible for the body. Anyone who wants to lose weight just needs to eat a low carb diet. Carbs make people fat, not fat. The grain and drug industry lie to people so they can keep making money off other's suffering. Weight watchers is probably another lying organization. My word is bond because I am a testament to great physical health.
  2. Not right now. I moved to a southern town with my brother since getting sober and can't find a job here. I'll be working on a farm next week. I don't do much to occupy my time. Just rock climbing when my brother goes, which isn't as much since it's winter. Walking, suntanning, computer, tv, reading magazines, that's about it. I quit my job last August because of my drug use. It makes me very angry when I get rejected from jobs. I know I'm smarter than most people, so it feeds into my paranoia. I've worked many jobs in customer service. Usually I couldn't hold one down for more than 6 months. My drug use would ignite severe depression and make me not motivated enough to go.
  3. Had a 1 hour argument with my parents on the phone . Then I called back and we argued again for 20 minutes. I then took a 50 minute walk outside. After walk I sat in the sun for 40 minutes. It felt good even in 50 degree temps to soak up some vitamin D. It's finally sunny today after a lot of cloudy and rainy days. The argument let me down a lot. I was just starting to get along with them. I'm still looking forward to leaving here and getting on a farm. The person I'm working for sounds really nice. I think I will get along with her and her family. The work should be good for me too. Getting away from my brother and I hope not arguing with my parents will be just what I need. I was physically inactive for 5 days before this. So the walk lifted my spirits up a lot. Today was good and bad. I'm still struggling with paranoia. I'm still under the impression that most people have it better than I. Most people have more friends, resources, money, etc.
  4. I took a 1 hour nap from about 4-5 today. Have been physically inactive for the last 2 days, but I am looking forward to moving out of here and to a farm where I will work. My current living situation is no longer conducive to my recovery. It hinders my motivation, but I am with my brother who cares. The last 5 months have been very tough because I am adjusting to sobriety. I think I'm finally starting to level out. The last week I have felt decent vibes going in my head since I was offered a farming position. I've never done light farm work. It will be nice to leave the South. I wish I was going back to MN with my parents, but a farm in Missouri will be an improvement. It will teach me to better relate to people since they are strangers. Today I'm feeling positive, mildly anxious/excited, somewhat angry and paranoid. I still feel at times that most people have better surroundings than I do, more opportunity, more resources, more friends, and do not take advantage of those things. My depression is about a 2 out of 10.
  5. ^Let's get real about therapy. Most therapists are complete idiots who base their treatment on a 1 dimensional model. They operate on talking points. If someone like me brings up a complex issue, they revert to what their "manual" tells them. I can't learn anything, work with, and never have gotten anything out of therapy. My first therapist was smart, but we didn't like eachother. Therapists don't like me, because most of the people they see are dull and easy to work with. Most of their patients are subservient to them, but I see a therapist as a pathetic excuse for a human. Making money off insurance companies, not having to deal with the rat race, sitting in their little office all day thinking they are important...
  6. Your looks faded at 32? I don't believe that is possible unless you were heavily into certain drugs or suffered an accident. I tried SSRI anti-depressants and seroquel. They helped with depression and anxiety, but my behavior became almost manic.They helped with my feelings, but not my progress in dealing with responsiblity. I also didn't like the physical side effects of weight gain and tremors. An illegal drug for 13 years. I quit last August. I was always told that I was selfish and I never valued friendships, always hated it when friends called me, so I thought I was a loner. I like being around people though. I don't think I have antisocial tendencies, but possibly. I've never been a violent person, so if anything is to be applied I'm either a brat who was spoiled too much or have narcisism. At age 31, I'd say I have the emotional maturity of maybe an 18 year old.
  7. I've always felt this. In public, around groups of people, "friends", girlfriends, etc. Only occasionally will I be around someone and think they are even worthy to be in my presence. It usually has to be someone affluent and intelligent. I know I'm not a genius. I'm smart, but just "above average". I'm very good looking, moreso than most women even. I should be an A list actor in Hollywood getting all the hot babes and leading roles. I drive around and wonder why I have to wait in red lights when most people ahead of me aren't "as good" as I am. When I walk around, people should get out of my way because I have "more important business". No one should look at me longer than for a split second. I get a lot of looks from people because I am literally the most beautiful man that exists. OK, I get it, but if you're going to stare, then kiss my feet and say thank you that I graced you with my aura. Now I know this isn't logical, but I can't help it. Medications don't change this, they make me worse. Talking to people only puts me out of that mode for a little bit, and only if they're smart. I have to respect someone to derive positive energy from them, and I have little respect for most people. It's like I was born this way and can't change it. I want to be able to feel empathy for others, but I can't imagine how that is done. My condition has affected my life. Ironically, it's prevented me from becoming rich and powerful. In some ways I'm happy with it. I don't understand how others who are as great as I am act normal. This is who I am, and I accept that.
  8. I am vehemently opposed to psychiatric medications...
  9. Yeah, I chew tobacco and once in a blue moon I smoke. I think it helps and hurts. It helps a little with my depression and boredom, but I've noticed it makes my social anxiety a bit worse. When I go without, even after just 1 day, I stop caring what other people think. Maybe it's just that nic withdrawal distracts my mind so much. As a stimulant, it speeds up the CNS. Overall my anxiety level would probably go down if I quit even after my brain adjusting to being nic-free, which I hear takes about 6 months...
  10. Thanks Prose. I do want to return to school more than anything. It's especially frustrating getting turned down from jobs that are below my ability anyways. The first issue with that is my setting. I'd like to get a job first and work it a while, and continue working part-time while going to school. Second is I'm in the South. The schools here aren't as good as where I'm from (Minnesota). Like I said, part of this is familiarity. My parents did say they would pay for school, but I feel my best shot is to attend a public, 2 year college back home. Here, they don't even have accounting majors at their tech schools unless it's private. My parents weren't at all controlling, quite the opposite. I was controlling toward them. I feel bad about how I used all their help to self destruct. I'm angry with myself, but hopeful that I can learn more about myself through volunteering and not getting my way for a while. It can make me a better person and I believe I have gotten much better in only 4 months time. It could be much worse. I'm totally broke and could be in a halfway house or something. I don't have any friends, and to give you an idea of how selfish I am, I even resent and get jealous of my brother for simply disagreeing with my ideas. He's my lifeline. It's like everyone who tries to help me I automatically resent. Amazing. I have hope though, and will strive daily to appreciate how lucky I am and at the same time not be too hard on myself.
  11. My parents cut me off last August. I was staying with them, working occasionally, but mostly unemployed. I'd start school, quit, repeat. They were enabling a lifestyle that was harmful. Since I've been cut off I can see just how selfish I am. It's difficult to live with my brother who is very supportive, but not understanding. I no longer have a car, live in a state I am unfamiliar with, and I am longing for the day my parents pick up the slack again. I try to assure them I've changed. I'm sober, haven't placed demands on them, tried to get a job but can't. They blame me for not going to AA, not doing enough for structure, and my defense is without a car and a bad job market it's hard. I want to return to school in my hometown, and work there. The job market is better there, and I like familiarity. I get racing thoughts sometimes. I'm going to try volunteering and "let go" as I know they want. I'm trying to find the middle ground between their point of view and mine. It's true that self-entitlement is a huge problem for me, but it's also true our world is more competitive every day. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be damned if I will settle for working my way up the ladder when most my age have very good careers. I can see letting go for now, but my brother thinks I should let go of my parents forever and try to do it "his way". This stuff is confusing. I don't know who is right or wrong. I think I have a point, and you guys have a hard time judging since you don't know my whole story, but anyone who wants to throw in their 2 cents is welcome. Whether it's as a parent or child, I'm welcome to any criticism. I don't have much to offer you guys in terms of advice. My depression is situational, and always has been. My big problem now is this, some anxiety, and my personality/spoiled complex.
  12. I believe you, but it's normal to be depressed sometimes. Just because someone is depressed doesn't mean they should be encouraged to take meds. Especially true if they are taking responsiblity and not negatively affecting others. We live in a society where everyone is told they should take meds if they feel sad or sluggish. I do not believe in that philosophy.
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