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mrbluesky last won the day on April 13 2012

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About mrbluesky

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  1. I think you're spot on: you have to live your own life. It's understandable that you don't want to hurt your family, but at the end of the day you're the one who would be stuck with their aspirations for you rather than your own. I struggle with guilt a lot too. I think it's the hardest emotion to deal with sometimes, but it shows empathy and that you care. Hopefully your family will come to understand that. Take care of yourself.
  2. Thank you to all who replied. Both my psychiatrist and therapist were very understanding and even grateful that I trusted them enough to tell them the truth. I do feel like a weight has been lifted. Take care!
  3. To elaborate without triggering details, I did try to end my life when I was a teenager. I just exaggerated how severe the after-effects were. When I first told someone, I didn't want them to think it was just a "cry for help" and it just kind of snowballed from there. I don't think it affected my diagnosis, as I've been evaluated and re-evaluated for years in and out of hospitals. I had a second, much more serious attempt later in life that should really be the focus right now, but I can't shake the guilt of the past for some reason. Thank you everyone for your responses. I'll talk with my counselor tomorrow. Hope I can at least get some sleep tonight.
  4. I have just started with a new treatment team and had all of my evaluations last week. I seriously considered/attempted suicide when I was a teenager (seems forever ago now), and I have lied to every psychiatrist and counselor that asks me about it. I always make it seem worse/more serious than it seems, mostly because I wanted to be taken seriously. I've told the story so many times it has almost become true and it's just automatic. For some reason, the last few days I have been sick with guilt and shame as I remember more about that time. I want to "come clean" but I'm not sure how to approach it. I don't want to start out my relationship with these people as a liar. I know I'm also probably blowing the importance of this out of proportion since it happened so long ago and doesn't really affect me now. Any advice would be welcome.
  5. This is pretty common practice where I am, and for me it is a good sign when a psychiatrist doesn't jump into diagnosis and treatment right away. I'm guessing you'd be seeing the psychologist more frequently than you see him, so they get to know you better and communicate with the doctor about your progress. A lot of people go in for an eval and after an hour or so get a label slapped on them that may or may not fit. Mood disorders in particular can be cyclic and/or episodic, and the only way to get a good picture of what is going on is to observe you over time. That being said, if you feel like you're needing more immediate care, don't be afraid to voice that. Also don't be afraid to ask him why he doesn't want to diagnose. Some doctors are increasingly only using the DSM as a loose guideline and only have to use it for insurance purposes. The diagnosis doesn't matter as much as the treatment in the long run. Hang in there.
  6. I hope you are having an amazing day! : ) ღ Lindsay

  7. I second Shayne's advice. I always hated it when people told me "you're 20-something, you have your whole life ahead of you!" That misses the point. No matter your age, depression can suck any concept of having a future. You may not think so, but I think you have made some observations about yourself that can be the start of improvement. You're in tune to the fact that low self-esteem and social anxiety are holding you back, so now you can take the next step with a counselor. How do you think your family would respond if you told them you were struggling? I'm guessing you live with your folks? Also not an easy thing to do, especially if your friends are all in different stages/living situations. Your friends want to spend time with you, so that tells me that other people don't think you are a waste of space. It sounds like you're keeping to yourself, so I hope you find some support soon and don't pressure yourself to change overnight. Take care
  8. The medication merry-go-round can be so frustrating. I was once on a cocktail of 6 or 7 things, and it gets hard to tell which one is the problem and how they are working together. One doc just asked "What are all of these doing for you?" and when I said "nothing" he got rid of them and put me only on Lithium... The problem is, even weaning slowly off of medication can be devastating to your emotional state, and it's hard to start over. I had a similar reaction to Seroquel: crying spells, suicidal, etc. I'm now back on a cocktail of things, but it feels like the adjustments never end. I hope you and your doc can find a balance that works. Take care.
  9. Hmm...that does seem unusual. A lot of the time you'll hear doctors tell patients if they are feeling better that means the meds are working - not that you don't need them anymore. It sounds like you've been stable for a while and are comfortable with what you're on. I think if you have a concern it might not hurt to get a second opinion or ask more questions when you go back. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with the consequences. Take care.
  10. I can definitely see how social anxiety in public could translate to social anxiety online. Just like in person, we have the chance to re-shape and re-define ourselves online, and you're still communicating with other people. It's normal to seek approval. I personally have very low self-esteem and social skills, and sometimes these forums are an outlet for communication, but other times they can make me anxious. Have you had experiences where you've gotten negative feedback from a post? Sometimes I will read through other threads to get a feel of how people react to things, but I just try to remember that the conversation is the important part of it, so if you have interesting thoughts or questions, others are likely to respond positively.
  11. I also have bipolar disorder and faced a similar situation. I took a medical leave of absence and had to decide on going back to my school or going to a closer one. It was hard, but I decided to go back to where I started. It's definitely worth it to finish school. Sometimes your living situation can make all the difference, so just weigh your options and consider where you would be more comfortable and have the most support. How far away is your school from home? Do you have a doctor/therapist there? In the U.S., most schools require you to have a year or two worth of credits from them before they will grant you a degree as a transfer student - if it's a similar situation there, that would mean spending more time and money at a school closer to home. Best, mrbluesky
  12. I live in the middle east, so these subjects will always be controversial. If you could help me find any universal hotline or any site that has online therapist it would help alot. Thank you very much kind sir. I think hotlines will depend on your country, but here's a website that seems to have a pretty wide range of numbers: http://www.befrienders.org/ If you're interested in online chat, you can go to https://www.imalive.org/ Not everyone on the online chat has a degree in counseling, but they do receive training and I've found them to be pretty helpful in the past. They also have limited hours for online chat, so check the schedule when you sign up. Usually suicide lines will talk to you about any crisis, even if you're not suicidal. Best, Mrbluesky
  13. I am not religious, so I can't offer any advice there. But I would like to echo Tim 52. It sounds like you are feeling pretty alone in this, so having a therapist could give you an outlet to work out the guilt and emotional charge you're feeling. It might help you think more clearly about the situation so that you can better reconcile it with your beliefs. If it is out of character for you, there may be an underlying issue. It seems like you're needing some immediate comfort. If you aren't comfortable talking with a friend, you might call a hotline, just for a nonjudgmental ear and maybe some guidance on where to turn next. Try not to beat yourself up about it. You are not a terrible person, it can just be scary to do something you would normally never do. I think everyone feels like they've lost themselves at some point and are left picking up the pieces.
  14. I have wrestled with this a lot. If I were talking to someone in the same position, I would not think twice about saying "it's not your fault, give yourself a break." But here I am...Less than a year ago I spent weeks in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I have dealt with a great deal of stress and have had to move 3 times in the last year. All while having medications adjusted and dealing with some of the worst episodes I have ever had. Now, I just got a job, and it just feels really off, like it's not a good move, that maybe I should take a little more time before I push myself back to the brink. I am thinking I just won't show up and then tell them I had a family emergency and won't be able to commit to it. It's part time, minimum wage. Lots of stress for little payoff. As I type this, the evening anxiety creeps back up on me. There's a sick feeling in my head. I want to take responsibility for my life, but sometimes I'm not stable/in control enough to do so...which only makes me feel worse.
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