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About e1234

  • Birthday 06/25/1993

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  1. Does it help with depression?
  2. e1234


    Hey guys. Well the past two days haven't been as good as the 21. I guess this is what i'm scared of, being happy then dropping down to being sad again.. I feel very alone and very isolated. I feel like I don't have anywhere to go if i'm feeling sad. I feel like my family doesn't help me and they don't know what to say. I feel like they don't want to hear it and I feel like I ruin our relationship even more when I tell then i'm sad. It hurts me that they don't understand what i'm going through. I just can't understand why they don't understand.I don't know what to do about it. I feel like this has put a wedge between my family and I. They expect me to be happy but sometimes i'm just not. Im tired of doing what they expect me to do. I'm going to do what I expect for myself. I don't know if the medicine is making me feel any different after all...which kinda discourages me. But then again it hasn't been a month so I don't wanna judge too soon. Still haven't heard back from the new doctors office that im trying to make an appointment with and it's been two weeks. I think loneliness contributes a lot to how im feeling. I don't have friends nowadays and I never go hang out with anyone. A lot of times in my life I have felt like this. I think it's sad how there can be so many lonley people and all they would need to do is be friends with other people who are lonely too. So the two biggies are boredom and loneliness. Everything doesn't seem as bad when you have places to go and people to be with, where your not in your own head too much. I'm able to cry now which is good. I'm praying that things will get better and maybe the new doctor I go to can help me more. I've applied to like two more places yesterday so I hope I get a call from at least one of them. It's very frustrating that when your depressed you feel like you've come to a brick wall with no possible way of getting out of it. It's also frustrating that when you try and think about your problems and work them out in your head of why your depressed, that just makes it worse. I feel very trapped and stuck. Even if I don't want to be in my house I have no where to go. Even if I don't want to be in my bedroom i have no other place to go. I really didn't want to complain on this blog because complaining about this hasn't made anything any better. I just wish for once someone would say "yes I know what your going through and we're willing to help you". I'm tired of hearing I need to change my perspective. I feel like life is so lifeless compared to what it used to be. Ok im sick of hearing myself complain. I'm ******* pathetic. Anyways I thought I would share dreams that I have often. A lot in my dreams I dream about being in love. Some random guy is always in them and I feel a very strong connection to them. It's like everything is alright with the world when Im having them. When I wake up I get a sense of loss because, I guess that I crave that feeling in my real life. Maybe my dreams are telling me something is missing in my life...I mean I know it's probably because of the loss of a serious relationship a year ago , and I guess a feeling of emptiness from that. Or it might not mean anything at all..who knows. Maybe it's just the fact that I don't have a good connection with anyone outside my family. I miss that... I have been sorta talking to my friend, it's funny talking to her again. And then I decided to text my other "friend" and that didn't fail to disappoint. It saddens me that I have to resort to talking to people I don't even like just because I feel like I have no one else. It makes me feel even worse about it. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to be anyones friend and just be "ok" with that...but I can't because I always feel lonely. Like I said loneliness has been a reaccuring thing in my life. I always get periods where I'm lonely then I get friends, then I'm lonely again. I haven't had a friend throughout my whole life or anything like that. I make friends, they disappear, then I have to start all over. I think the happiest i've been in my life is when I've had a lot of friends and a lot of places to go. I can't believe I went from that to this. It's extremely hard to make friends at school because Its two days out of the week. Im hoping I can get a job and make friends that way. I just can't believe how easy it is to feel isolated and alone in a world with so many people.
  3. e1234


    Thanks LH!
  4. e1234


    Hey guys. Today was the first day in a long time that i've been happy. I had energy, I felt a little spark inside me. It's great to feel like life has hope for me. I'm not thinking about how bad i've felt yesterday nor how i'll feel tomorrow...just today. I think this medicine is helping me and it's great that only after half a month now I can already see some results, and I'm excited to see how much more it'll help. I'm not saying that I like the situation i'm in anymore than I did yesterday, or the day before that...i'm just saying that I can look at it in a different way and have hope that things will get better. It's all about perception. Now it's my turn to do some postive things to turn my life into a better direction. So here are some things that I need to do : find a job so I can be around people more, spent more time around my family, be proactive and avoid sitting in my bed, exercise more, try and reduce my stress level, work harder in school, and really just push it to the limit. More than anything, it I can spent more time out of the house and stuff all this combined will help me immensely. I know that I don't like my situation now, but it wont last forever and I have the strength to push through it. I think that's it for now but I just wanted to share a quote that I read today that I thought was really good: " Sometimes you have to stop worrying,wondering, and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just how it's meant to be."
  5. when it's good, it's so good till it goes bad till you try to find the you that you once had

  6. e1234


    Hey guys. I've been meaning to write the last couple days...but I write a little then delete it. Can't really find the words to say something that i've already said 1000 times. Soo I've been on my medicine for about half a month now... I can tell a tiny difference ( or maybe that's just in my head) ..but I can tell i'm not as hopeless as I was a couple weeks ago. So hopefully when I get a full month in i'll be able to tell more of a difference. My class got canceled so i'm home early at 10:00...the time I should be getting up to start the day. Getting up at 5:30 blows. So this leaves me with nothing to do... whenever I'm driving home from school I just get this wave of saddness rushing over me. When I go home I know i'll have nothing to do and i'll be lonely. Just being around people helps me. But just going out somewhere with no goal just makes me feel like i'm desperate to be around people, and that just makes it worse. Plain and simple I need more friends or something. Oh ya my so called have been coming out of the woodwork lately... one of them telling me about his problems...which is messed up. Why would we not talk for like a month or two and "just because their sad' they decide to talk to you..I hate that. Like I want my friends to talk to me because they want to ..not because their bored, sad,..whatever. Anywho I pretty much didn't give a s*** about his problems because he hasn't been here for mine. And my other friend texted me ..probably only because summer is approaching and she'll need someone to hang out with. It's funny how she always seems to be friendly around the times she has to come home from school. Oh ya and the guy i've been trying to become friends with at school is so difficult to talk to i've just given up. I'm always to one to start convos and stuff because he's so shy...oh well maybe i'm being a little too judgemental but d***. I don't wanna have to think of something random to say to keep the convo going. That's what I did today and made a fool of myself by just spouting out information that no one probably cared about. I'm not gonna try and break my back to be someones friend. So it kinda makes me sad that I have every single class with my sister for summer and fall classes... I kinda feel guilty at times for feeling this way about my sister but...I want to have my own classes and have my own friends for once. I want to be independant. Speaking of the twin thing, I absolutely hate being compared to my sister. Do not go up to twins and point out every single detail of how they look a little different from one another. I just wanna say.." what if someone compared you to your brother/sister into detail and point out your flaws". So if we're in the same classes together, it's almost guaranteed that someone will be like "oh your twins, I thought so!" and then point out all the things that are different about us... Also when I have a class with my sister it feels like I lose my voice. Also instead of making friends i'll probably just be talking to her.And another thing that just makes my blood boil is when she talks for me...OMG. Do not ******* talk for me I can talk for myself. Anywho...been thinkng about the past more lately..I guess because i'm at a place where I can handle dealing with a tiny bit more. I just can't seem to get over things..I'll sit and just dwell and rack my brain trying to remember every detail and tormenting myself with it. Also i've been dealing with my self esteem issues...I just always get the feeling that i'm not good enough. If this were a court room, there would be not a lot of evidence to say..no i'm not good enough.. but still. I just get so down on myself. I just don't have the confidence because when I was growing up I got picked on a lot. I never understood it. I'm not a confrontational person nor did I stick up for myself. I was an easy victim I guess. But the feeling of not being good enough as a child has transfered into my adult life. I have no reason to have low self esteem..I think i'm pretty and smart and stuff. But I just don't really really believe that. I just can't get over some of the stuff that happened..nor do I know why did it have to happen to me. I was just so stupid in the choices I made about things. If I could take it back 1000x I would I would I would. I didn't get treated very well in the beginning of my past relationship..and that was someone that I loved. Then toward the middle and end he started treating me better, but by that time it was probably too late. I just can't get over the fact that he didn't treat me like he loved me in the beginning...then that always leaves me with the feeling that i'm not good enough, when in reality it doesn't have anything to do with how "good" I was. Nothing that he did was a reflection of me..and that's what im trying to drill in my brain. I just can't understand how you can love a person and them not act like they feel the same way about you. But now that it's over he still is trying to get in contact with me like a year later...he's still facebooking my friends and stuff, just downright embarrassing me. Don't you dare try and act like you didn't care about me in the beginning and try to act like that now..it's like that song "just a little too late". It's kinda like a "that's tough" situation...I don't love him now, so I mean I don't really give a s*** how bad he feels and I don't in the least bit feel sorry for him. If anything, he's annoying me and boosting my ego. It just doesn't seem fair. I just don't understand why he would act like I wasn't important in the beg. Those are the kinds of things i can't get over today. I guess I just need to focus on.. it wasn't a reflection of me. Getting over the past is something i have a lot of trouble with. It sucks to see other people hurt the people that they love. I mean I cared about him a great deal and I just got treated like s***...but I was to stupid to end it at the time. When these memories come back, they hurt. I want to get to a point where they don't hurt anymore. It just hurt me to know that someone I loved probably didn't feel the same way about me at the time. But I can't say that I didn't treat him like s*** at the end either...because I did, and then did something i'm not too proud of. But I guess that's how I knew that i wan't myself. So was it revenge on my part..probably but I just can't believe i stooped to that level How stupid was i to not end it from the beginning..but I guess this all has to wrap up to involve my low self esteem and me being validated that "yes i am good enough". But life moves on and so should I. I mean its really not about him, it's about me. I don't care about him anymore. I can't stand that he thinks he can just keep popping in my life. It's not fair that he's still bothering me a year later and embarrassing me by getting my friends involved. I would have helped me move on a lot faster if he would have just accepted that it was over and just went on with his life. I can't in the least bit say I feel sorry for him..because I don't. He ****ed up and I feel like he was the one who ruined our relationship...but who I'm I kidding, it was ruined from the beginning. I hate that im still talking about this ship pretty much a year later but...you know. It weird to think that a year has already when by. Everything just seems so blurry. When I look back to that time, it seems like a whole lifetime ago... I'm happy to say that I got out of that situation...even though i don't much like my situation now, Im glad im not in that one, which would be worse. I have a hard time connecting to that time to really deal with my feelings I guess..i try and block it out I guess. It's almost 80 blogs that i've done..which is crazy. I first starting these back in december and even that seems like a lifetime ago. I can say that I have changed a little..maybe not as much as I wanted to, but nevertheless i've still changed. I'm not really sad about the relationship anymore, im more sad about things that have to do with me. So that is something that im proud of. A year...d*** time moves by so quickly... Also I can probably say im more mature...I think i've moved from the teenager transistion into a women to just becoming a women...I know i'm still a teenager, but I feel like all the stuff i've gone through has made me grow up. I stopped feeling like a child years ago. I remember that I was stuck in a spot where I would think back to how happy my childhood was and just compare my life now to that...I don't really do that anymore, but i guess that's a part of growing up. I look forward more now that I look backwards. I just need to learn how to accept the past and just move on. I guess you only live once so there's no point in hanging on to the past and letting that hold you back. I'm a perfectionist so the fact that I feel like I made a mistake kills me...but there's nothing I can do about it now, and everyone makes mistakes..I guess Its how well you learn from those mistakes. Ok I think that's it for. Sorry for all the mispellings/ grammer that was in this I just wanted to get this stuff outta my head. Byee
  7. e1234


    Hey guys. It's sunday and I'm trying to keep it together.. I haven't been writing much lately...I guess I just haven't felt like complaining about the same old things. I notice I fall into the "stinkin thinkin" thing where I think one bad thought and then it escalates...so I'm trying not to think bad thoughts.. I've been on my medicine for about 10 days...haven't noticed that much of a difference, other than I might be sleeping better. But I'm trying to be patient and let the medicine build up in my system. It's really a process trying to take my medinice...I have to do it perfect..or else I'll think about it all day, and think that "just because I didn't take it a certain way" that the medince won't work for that day...just crazy. I've been trying not to fall into dark traps that I can't get out of.. I actually made a good grade on one of my most recent tests. I think one of the main things that's bringing me down is the fact that I don't get out enough, or have enough friends. I've applied online to like two places, but I haven't heard anything from them...I really need just something to get out of the house and be among people. It's discouraging after a while when your trying to find a job and you thing "well Im never going to find one"....I get the feeling that no one actually looks at online applications...? My dream job would probably be at best buy. Haven't applied there yet, but I might soon. Another thing that bothers me is how uncomfortable I seem around people...I mean I really have no reason to not to comfortable but it just seems like...im so awkward or something. Lol like when I walk I suddenly forget where to put my hands and stuff, besides them being crossed. I just want to appear more confident in the way I walk and sit. I think actually being around people more would help with this. Also another thing that's bothering me is my stalker..he's at it again with his s***. I thought I could be nice for a change because I thought he got the picture...but no. It's turned from weird to scary. He waits on me all the time and sometimes I can feel myself being watched. I hate how I have to plan what I do around him. I need to stop being so nice and start being a Biotch. Like enough is enough. I"m tired of having this powerless feeling over everything I do...seriously like i'm about to start being incredibly mean. I do have this crush on this one guy at school. He's like really shy and stuff..I guess that's why I'm attratched to him. He's not like everyone else in the sense that, in class he doesn't text and talk and what no..he actually listens the whole time. I've had to be the one to start convos most of the time, but i don't really mind cause I know he's shy... nothing will probably come of it I just like it for some reason. Like he really doesn't talk to anyone in classes only on occasions and stuff...he has this very focused attitude that I like. I don't know how old he is or anything about him..but oh well it's nice just to fantasize sometimes. But anyways it's better to think of positive things like that that on other things. After this semester is over I have about a month break. I really hate that, but at the same time I probably need a little break. But If I don't find a job before then i'll be working with my parents everyday. But hey I guess it's something to do even if I don't like it. I wish someone would just be like "hey do you want to work here? ok your hired" lol prob won't work that way though. Going to school everyday fall semester will help...but then again I have every single class with my sister, and I hate that. I want to be independant and away from her. More fights will insue i'm sure but hopefully we can get along spending that much time together. Oh well, why do I always think it's going to be so terrible..it'll be fine. Well I guess that's pretty much all I have to complain about...until next time byee
  8. e1234


    Thanks man, I really hope it does to. Thank you!
  9. e1234


    Hey guys. stressed out again... My grades just keep falling and falling. I try to study and remember things..i really do. It's just that I can't recall stuff that I learn. I guess it's because of my condition... its so ******* frustrating when you have studying something for an hour and then you can't remember for the life of you when that question comes up on the test. If I can make a "b" i'll be fine. Its coming down to the wire and i'm running out of time to bring it up... The class did a teacher evaluation today on the one teacher I don't like and I bet a lot of students ripped her to sheds...and rightly so. I'm not saying she's a bad person or anything it's just, plain and simple...she can't teach. Getting a "b" could possibly threaten me getting into the program I want. Im not saying it's all her fault, cause a lot of it is my inablility to concentrate, difficultiy learning..stuff that has to do with my condition but I could have made an a with a better teacher. I guess that's life though. Emotionally Im doing ok now. It's almost the start of the weekend which is never good. Gotta find something to occupy my time and get me out of the house besides school. It's now day seven on the medicine. I don't think i've noticed anything yet but I'm trying just to hang in there until it's been a month. Still haven't gotten a call from the nurse who's trying to make a new appointment with a new endochrinologist. Why does it take this ******* long to make an appointment I don't get it. But at least I've got medicine untill then. Trying to keep it all together and pray for the best. Having the stress of school out of the way for a month before my summer classes start will give me a little break. If I make a c I will literally probably go into a really depressed state. I will not know what to do if that's the case...I guess it's not an option.
  10. That's great that your doing better!
  11. e1234


    Thank you
  12. e1234


    Hey guys. Another bad day... it seems like the days are getting worse and worse. I don't have any moments of relief. Im in constant worry and constant despair. My family doesn't help me, I guess because they don't know how. I have anywhere to turn. I have really important tests tomorrow and all I can focus on is how ****ed up I am. I don't know how it has come to this. I used to be able to find some sort of relief but now I can't even get myself out of these terrible ruts. I don't know how to calm myself down. Time is of the essence. Im absolutely trapped. Trapped in my ****ed up head. Why is this happening and why can't I stop it. I hate everything. I just keeping thinking if my grandma were still alive I would pack up my s*** and literally move in with her now. I can't live like this. Maybe a change of scenery will help me. But I have nowhere to go. I guess the only thing that pushes us forward is hope..and I've almost given that up. I get so worked up in thinking nothing will get better. I have torn up my hands and nails by constantly picking at them in worry. The inside of my mouth is sore from chewing on it. I have so much to do and so much to learn, but I can't make my brain work. I've been trying all day to concentrate and I can't even read one sentence before drifting off again. And I slept so good last night...I just think how much I would love to stay in my dreams all day. Something's wrong and no one wants to do anything about it. I'm tired of being told to suck it up. That just lets me know to never ever go to my parents for any other problems i'll have. I just try to picture myself in the future, and what i'll be like when this is all over..but that picture is slowly fading. I know being stuck in negativity isn't going to make me feel better at the moment. I'm so mad and so sad at the same time. I don't even really feel like posting this but what the hell.
  13. e1234


    Hey guys. Rough day today. Sundays are normally rough days for me anyways so.. When I got home I just starting getting really down on myself. I think I get into a pattern of negative thinking i'll just keeping thinking badder and badder things until I spiral out of control. I got to thinking "what if this doesn't help my depression again" and that sort of thing. I really need to stop looking up stuff on the internet about it. Any who I just so happened to look at my pill bottle..and I realized that the cap wasn't on it all the way. Its been like that all day, and I just starting freaking out. I had this crazy thought that since I didn't put the cap on it all the way that the medicine wouldn't work anymore...and it just went on from there. I starting pulling out the papers for the medicine and reading how to store it and stuff, and if leaving the cap slightly askew would make any difference...it sounds stupid now that i'm typing it out. So anyways I starting a crying fit and starting making myself gag. My mom tried to help me a little and then she's like "its ok to feel sad" and all this, so I starting yelling at her and saying "that's not what it's about!! Its not that im ungrateful yada yada yada". So her and my sister decide they had to get " out of the house" ..and so I say "well im glad no one wants to stay here because of me". And they starting saying no no it's not because of you. I ended up just riding in the car with my sister to try and make myself feel a little better. I hate that. I feel like I shink down to four year old status and everyone has to take care of me cause I can't take care of myself. I feel absolutely powerless. Now i've been doing little experiments with other bottles to see if air can get into the container if I leave the cap like I did in the other one. I always do this. Any time anything happeneds I have to replay it in my mind or act it out over and over. Anywho I don't know how many more spells like this I can take. They always always start on a sunday and last till like tuesday. I don't know what it is about sundays that trigger me to go crazy. I'm tired of worrying about stupid s*** though. Literally who else would spend their whole afternoon worrying about whether they put the cap on something right or not? sigh School overload and I haven't felt like doing anything today. Some days I just wonder why I'm going through this...and wondering what bad thing i've done to deserve this. I know god has a plan for me but I don't know what it is. And I don't know why it has been two years of me dealing with this, and why I just can't go back to normal. I know that I have to wait a month for this to work...but a month seems like an eternity when you feel like dying every second. And who's to say it'll even work. I'm tired of this.
  14. e1234


    Thanks guys, it really means a lot. Best of luck to the both of you too! Oh ya it's just as easy to fear success as well as failure. If your successful you fear the rug being pulled out from under you, and in failure its easy to fear that you'll always be that way.
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