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Everything posted by bubba14

  1. Recently I have been pointed in the direction of mindfulness by my counsellor. It has helped hugely with regard to an obsessive thought I was having but the novelty of it has worn off now and it's a real struggle to keep focused on its principles i.e. observe thoughts as objects passing through your mind, notice them, even give them a name BUT DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM. Be non judgemental towards them i.e. don't be upset for having the thought just let the thought be. Then the thought will pass from your mind and you have not done anything to increase the depression around it. I am finding that I am having thousands of thoughts, all negative a day so it is exhausting trying to do the above exercise. But I have had success with it so far so I'll keep going. A good book on the topic is the Mindful Way through Depression written by amongst others Mark Williams and Jon Kabit-Zinn.
  2. I think that mindfulness is the answer here. I recently went through a spell when my thoughts ran away with me and took over my life. Then my counsellor suggested that each time a thought intruded I noticed it but crucially did not judge it - in other words I didn't say things like 'oh no, here comes that thought again'. I acknowledged it and simply let it go. It helped me hugely.
  3. Thanks for the reply. I am currently seeing a psychiatrist, counsellor and a GP. None have been able to offer me a way out of this hell.
  4. I don't know where to start except to say that I have been really suffering with my nerves over the last week. So much so that I wonder if I can cope with it. I have been diagnosed as suffering from obsessive thoughts. I have struggled with them for my entire life. I have these ticking time bombs, as I call them, under the surface of my consciousness just waiting for my guard to be dropped and for me to obsess over them. When I say 'obsess' I mean carrying them around with me constantly and continuously thinking about it. That lasts for as long as it does - sometimes forever. Sleep has been one of those time bombs. My mum mentioned to me years ago that she finds sleep strange, in that you lose yourself for about eight hours each night and that you may not wake up. Once she said it, it struck a chord with me yet I buried the feeling and did not think about it. A few times down the years the thought has come to the surface, and despite it causing me some discomfort and would generally go again in a couple of days and I would be fine again. The sleep time bomb is back though. 18 months ago I got an obsessive thought around winter being really, really depressing. I never shook it off and it still impacts on my life today. One of my coping methods for that was to wrap myself up inside for the evening and look forward to going asleep and having a break from the depression. I feel this coping method is now gone given the problems I am having with sleep. So what is my problem with sleep?There is some element of being afraid to go asleep due to the fact that I am losing control and that dreams kind of freak me out a bit - they never used to it just appears to have raised its ugly head in the last couple of weeks. But the worse part of the whole situation is the way that this issue has taken over my life. I cannot see a reference to sleep now without getting a weird sensation. My auntie dropped off asleep in the chair and I get a weird sensation. I get a weird sensation when it gets dark as I associate it with sleep. So much so that sleep now seems almost unreal. It's frightening and it is no longer about someone afraid to sleep but a much, much larger issue. It feels overwhelming and I wonder if I can cope with it. I feel powerless to stop it. I also worry as this feels the same as my previous obsessive thought around winter which went on to almost break me. I don't know if I have the stomach for that fight again. Also I have sought medication for my mood in the past and have tried six different anti depressants, none of which has worked. I feel as if there is no hope for me. Thanks for reading. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Bubba
  5. I did consider it wanderer but a few things have thrown me off: - I was in hospital 15 months ago with intensive treatment. It didn't do me any good and it cost me a lot of money. - I have no option of intensive outpatient. I would have to be admitted to hospital which has the resulting financial implications and probably won't do any good. Depression is different for everyone. I have a stubborn obsessive type thought that just won't shift so all the CBT in the world isn't going to help that. You on the other hand may have a depression which is ideal for intensive treatment.
  6. I love people. This most recent episode of depression has shown me that the majority of people out there are good. But I can see how conflict arises. This is down to the fact that non depressed people cannot understand what it feels like to be depressed. Like my brother and sister try to tell me how to fix me depression as if I was some lost soul in life that needed guiding. I was getting along fine before this horrible thing enveloped me. If they had depression I wonder how they would be. They mean well of course.
  7. wanderer82 I can fully relate. The dilemma caused by the 'will I or won't I go back to work' is something which consumes me as well. I have been off work for the last 4 months. This is as a result of the recommendation of a doctor from work. I can honestly say that I am no better now than I was four months ago (I am no better now that I was 15 months ago when this damn depression started - think you can call it treatment resistant depression at this stage). Nor would I necessarily say that I am any worse. I know when I was in work I was constantly ringing in sick not able to handle the stress but when I am at home I feel that I am wasting me life away and need something to do. I am going for interviews at the moment to see if I can get something without much stress. I think that's the best option.
  8. Mine goes something like this: - I have loads of anxieties bubbling underneath the surface. - Somebody may say something which brings the anxiety into focus, or I may simply think about the anxiety. - If I am feeling anxious for whatever reason (say I have a job interview the next day), the anxiety which has been brought into focus can overwhelm me. Once it does, I feel there is very little I can do. I know that I am going to obsess over the anxiety for however long it takes. - The down feeling may not be as a result of the subject of the anxiety but more that the anxiety has gotten to me and I am obsessing over it. That may not make much sense so here is an example from just last night. - My Mum said to me years ago that she is fascinated with the idea of sleep - that we lose ourselves for hours and then wake again. Straight away that worried me. When we fall asleep we are losing control. Anything could happen, we could die, someone could break in and rob our stuff etc. I kinda shrugged that off as being ridiculous and the thought was buried underneath the surface. - Last night the thought was brought to the surface. I was looking forward to getting into bed when all of a sudden my brain said 'hold on, don't be so happy, remember the bad thought about sleep'. It wasn't so much what the bad thought was, it was that there was a bad thought. - I actually have a job interview today so was a little anxious and the thought got in and took over. I tried letting it be there and not reacting to it but it just stuck there. I tried to challenge it but it just stuck there. I knew it had 'got me' and I know that it is going to stay there for a while. - I am annoyed now that a time of the day that I looked forward to so much has been jeopardised by the thought breaking through. I worry if this is going to affect my sleep over the next while. I feel powerless to do anything about it.
  9. How is your outlook towards the future? Pretty grim. In fact it is this grim outlook which really floors me. I am going through the most horrible time imaginable and I can't look forward to a time when things are going to be better. A lack of hope. I have lost count of the number of different types of medications I have been on but none of them have worked. I see a counsellor on a weekly basis but no inroads have been made in my depression. It has been raging for 15 months now. I lost my girlfriend, the girl who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and have kids with. She couldn't handle my depression. I think I will never find another like her. Then I think about my fear of flying and being abroad and I wonder who would want me. Finally I wonder about my libido which has been non existent since this depression begun. I feel like I am destined to be alone and never experience the joy of having a kid of my own. I was advised to go on sick leave by the doctor at work. I have been off now for nearly four months. I am doing interviews for other jobs at the moment but I am afraid that any new job will be too stressful for me given my depression. I just wish I could get a lift from somewhere, some bit of hope to cling on to but I am becoming resigned to the fact that it's unlikely.
  10. Hi ukclimber, I know exactly what you are going through. I have had thoughts about pushing strangers in front of trains, harming loved ones, harming myself. The thing to try and do is remember they are just thoughts and that everyone has them. The only difference between you and them is that you react to the thought whereas they dismiss it as the rubbish it is. I wouldnt try to surpress the thought. I would just notice it being there by saying something like 'that's just a mad thought. Everyone gets them. I am never going to act on it.' And let the thought go again. You mention that you feel depressed. That can make things more difficult. I know that I can practise all the right things with regards my OCD but it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference as I am so depressed. Sometimes the best thing is to just keep going and let time take its course.
  11. My thoughts always come with impulses. For instance I was in Paris last year with my then girlfriend. I am always anxious when I am abroad. Anyway we crossed a bridge over the River Seine and an intrusive thought came to me to push her in. But that wasn't the end of it - there was a 'do it!!! do it!!! thought following that. It got so bad that I had try to zone out and detach myself from my mind for those few minutes until we had crossed the bridge to 'safety' and away from the trigger (being the river). Directly afterwards I found myself falling into depression as I struggled to cope with what had just happened and realised that if I had just given in to the thought for a second, then she would be dead. I then started picturing me being locked up, her family being all upset and so on. Terrifying stuff. The depression lasted for a couple of weeks and then I was fine again. I don't know if this could be classified as an intrusive thought but I have a thought around Winter being depressing. Not just depressing but despairing. I can't articulate just how horrible the thought is. It has maintained me in a deep depression since appearing first in November 2011. When it's not Winter, I dread Winter coming along. When it is Winter I dread it getting dark - not because of a fear of the darkness, just because of the fact it gets dark at 4pm and how depressing it is that the day is over. I have lost my girlfriend and was advised by work to go on sick leave for a period primarily as a result of this thought. My psychiatrist thinks I am badly depressed anyway but that I also have trouble with obsessive thoughts. Don't know if anyone can relate but I just said I would throw it out there anyway.
  12. Rhyl, All the self help books would advise against shouting 'stop' or any other line when the thoughts come on. Their theory is that the more you try to surpress them, the stronger they return. I just try and recognise them as just thoughts and say 'that's just the trouble I have with my thoughts' when they come on. Key is not to react to them or 'add second fear' in the words of Claire Weekes. Of course I am also afflicted with severe depression which casts a massive shadow over everything.
  13. Place that call ink. Find the time.
  14. '.... when you've given all you had. And everything still turns out bad.' I feel like this all the time. I have sought help for this low mood which has enveloped me. I see a psychiatrist, a counsellor and a GP who masquerades as a cognitive behavioural therapist. I am completely open with each one with regard to what I am thinking and feeling and engage fully with them in the sessions. I take medication (6th different type) as prescribed by my psychiatrist to the letter. I play football twice a week, attend a self help group once a week and go for a run every day. I have a great family who support me and who I open up to and a great bunch of friends who I make an effort to socialise with once a week. Yet this morning I told myself that I had enough. Enough of the constant low mood, enough of struggle to get through the day, enough of the pain as you ache for the life you used to have where depression was under control. Just enough. I feel slightly better now following a run and a shower but that constant undercurrent of low mood remains.
  15. Instrusive thoughts - the bane of my life. I had one just last week about sleep, thankfully that seems to have lessened. The one which causes me the biggest problem is the thought that winter is depressing. I have had thoughts around violence to randomers and loved ones, paedophilia and homosexual. In my case anyway the thought always contains something to make me believe it is true, hence the anxiety and depression. I am not into labels so don't know if I would categorise me as suffering from OCD. I am bubba who is a human being with all the baggage that goes with it.
  16. Thanks to SpaceAce and venus24 for responding. I feel really low at the moment, really really low. I have a new thing to obsess about - this time sleep. I am scared to go to sleep because to me it represents a loss of control. One of the worst feelings is one of frustration that this obsession has come on me. I used to look forward to sleeping given the release and escape that it would bring from my depression. But I feel that now I no longer have that. I hate obsessive thoughts.
  17. Hi, I'm bubba14. Yesterday I had thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore. These thoughts gave me a lift as that would mean an end to this constant struggle I experience from day to day. But my family would be devastated. And the act itself would have to be so brutal. But the thoughts were there - of that there can be no denying. What causes a 30 year old man to have such thoughts? It is down to depression. Roughly a year ago, life was fantastic. I had found a wonderful girl and we were just approaching our first anniversary. I had just been promoted in work. Then I made a trip abroad to Europe. I get extremely anxious when abroad due to weird spacial type thoughts and this threw me into what could only be described as nervous breakdown. I returned home and all of a sudden developed a sense of despair around Winter - i.e it getting dark early, leaves been off the trees, how depressing everything looked during winter. This lead me to be voluntarily admitted to hospital during which time I also had suicidal thoughts. I returned to work in the New Year and soon began to struggle. This resulted in me being assigned office based jobs instead of the more challenging work at client sites. Then at the end of February I was dealt a hammer blow with the death of my beloved father. As the Winter disappeared, my depression unfortunately didn't. I was grieving for my father and was already dreading the return of Winter. Work again began to suffer. I was initially placed on half days upon recommendation of the work doctor. My girlfriend feeling the strain went on a 5 week holiday to South East Asia without me. I couldn't go anyway due to the anxiety which is generated when I travel abroad. Then 3 months ago two more hammer blows close together. My girlfriend breaks up with me. She says we're not suited but I know it's because of the depression. We shared an apartment so I had to find somewhere else to live. Also a work doctor recommends that I go on sick leave meaning that I have nothing to do during the day. I decide to move in with my elderly aunts to save some money and have company during the day. And that's where I am at present. The reason I have this feeling of hopelessness is that I can't see things getting any better. I have been on 6 different types of medications and none has made any difference in terms of mood. I am seeing a counsellor, with whom it is good to talk to but again who has not made any difference in terms of mood. I can't see myself getting another job as I don't feel strong enough to cope with it yet I need something to do during the day as the inactivity is ******* me. I can't see myself meeting another girl as good as my previous girlfriend and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to perform (libido is non existent) and wouldn't be able to see the world with her. Plus winter is always going to be there as will the utter despair that brings (although this winter hasn't been as bad as the previous one). Like I said, the inactivity during the day is ******* me. I get up at around 10.30am, eat breakfast, go for a run, listen to the radio, surf the net, eat dinner, maybe go for another run, play soccer some evenings, meet counsellor or support groups other evenings. I am in discussions about returning to work although they have made it clear they don't want me back while being careful about the legal side of things. I have also applied for other jobs. There is a side to me though who thinks I am not strong enough for that although I want some structure to return to my life. Thanks for reading.
  18. Thanks for the reply Sanda. It helps to know that I am not alone with the suffering. I can't stress just how despairing the feeling is. The very mention of Christmas sets me off but I will try to throw myself into it as you have suggested. I never used to feel like this around Winter so there is a real feeling of loss. It's almost as if I am wishing part of my life away. Just wish I could wave a magic wand and take this horrible feeling away. If I could do that then I would be well on the road of recovery in terms of my depression. The world doesn't work like that though.
  19. I was walking to my friends house yesterday after a good session with my counsellor when a feeling of absolute despair came over me. This was a familiar foe. Winter. I find it hard to describe my exact problem with Winter, except to say that I have a problem with all of it. The dark, dark nights, the getting dark early, the false brightness of the winter day. This is not a mere discomfort, this is absolute hell. For the last year I have been going through a major depressive episode. I suffered an extreme panic attack while on holiday, returned home still shaken from it and went to see my doctor. It happened to be the first week of November and he mentioned how it was a terrible time of the year to get depressed with the dark winter days setting in. I immediately latched on to that and developed this feeling of despair around the winter days. I felt as if I couldn't cope with the despair which it was causing so I checked myself into hospital. A 4 week stay there didn't help matters as the feelings of despair still remained. Thoughts of suicide were prevalent. Then when the winter days gradually left, my mood didn't get back to normal as I was dreading them coming again. In fact this thought is pulling me down as Winter is completely unavoidable and comes every year so therefore I must experience this feeling of dread every year. I wonder if anyone has experienced anything like this before or if anyone has any tips on how to make things that little bit easier during the Winter. I have been on loads of different types of meds, and I am seeing 2 different counsellors in an attempt to beat this. I also have a dawn simulator which unfortunely isn't much good. I have not been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder but with OCD and depression. Thanks for reading, Bubba
  20. When I read the title of this thread it immediately struck a chord with me. I have been diagnosed with depression and OCD. This latest spell has lasted for 12 months with no significant improvement. I have been off about six different types of medication, attended therapists and nothing has helped. Into the mix I have been dealt two crushing blows - my Dad's passing and also being dumped by my girlfriend only a day ago. What has helped? Well time helps. I became used to my new circumstances and have adapted to it. For instance I don't expect now to wake up feeling on top of the world. I have become used to low mood now and that sense of horror immediately after breakdown where you realise that you are going into a depressive episode has been quietened. Family also helps and I have a good, big one. Friends are also vitally important and I am lucky to have many close ones. My appetite and sleep have remained good throughout the last 12 months so I have been lucky in that regard. I still feel really low almost the entire time, and extremely low sometimes, but I am still battling away.
  21. That's what I find as well. My mood gets better in the evening as the day is coming to an end. There is a certain relief to getting into bed and giving yourself a break from the bad feelings. Mornings are terrible for me though. I haven't had a good morning in 12 months and I'm so sick of it by now.
  22. I'm thinking how dark and depressing Winter is and I'm wondering how I will get through it.
  23. Go to a doctor SpiceFox as soon as possible and tell him exactly what you have typed there!
  24. Thanks MusicLover2. Your advice isn't rubbish. I feel it difficult to imagine past the depression at the moment as I feel so down. I'll keep going though.
  25. Hi MikeyJ, Have you ever though that you could be suffering from depression? Don't take my word for it though. If I were you I would visit your doctor and explain the symptoms you are currently experiencing.
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