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kooba

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  1. I'm with you, completely understand and I can relate. It does feel like the world is off, nothing like it was 15 years ago. It's uncomfortable for sure, you're definitely not alone in your thinking.
  2. I hope you and your Doctor found something else that would help.
  3. Your psychiatrist wasn't taking you seriously anymore? What the heck?
  4. I can relate and I'm really sorry you feel like this everyday. You're 100% right, the expectation of just taking a pill and getting over it is too easy for them to say to us and they think it's that simple. The best I reply I can give to your great post is that you're not alone. Hopefully we can all get through this in some fashion. ((Charlee))
  5. Social media is TOXIC and has been the downfall of this world. The fact that you even typed the guy's nanm, the guy who stole the idea of Spybook made me cringe. He's a creepy person. Before social media the internet was cool, now, forget it. I avoid it any chance I get. It's people venting and projecting their views onto the world and others and NOBODY really cares, everyone wants their box to stand on and be heard "or liked" and get a "follow" or a "sub" for $$$$$. I'm glad I experienced the internet in the mid 90s, simple and chill mixed with real life, but now? No, thanks. FerryJerry, sorry for your loss. It's hard no doubt, I lost my best friend 6 years ago and not a day hasn't gone by where I don't think about her. Hang in there, time does heal. As for the ashes, you can get an ash box online on Amazon (not my favorite place, but we're limited these days). Do a search for "ash box for pets", hope you can find something nice there. As for the bullying, do your best to avoid it and not let the words penetrate you. People who bully are simply miserable themselves and are projecting and looking for an outlet. Don't give them ANY real estate in your mind.
  6. I think I may actually take myself to the hospital tomorrow. I haven't been eating properly over the past few weeks, barely eating to be honest, eating junk food and energy drinks. My thoughts have been nothing but how evil and utterly stupid we humans are in this world. Watching animals get slaughtered for our taste buds, the needless suffering is making me absolutely nuts. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to end it.....soon.
  7. Basically, I have a house next to the subway line in my city (Toronto), the market seems to have called down quite a bit. However, the memories of the house aren't the greatest, to say the least. Living with a vile vitriolic alcoholic made destroyed the person I could have potentially been. My dilemma is this, if I sell the house, my "issues" will keep following me around - as my friends put it. Since everything is in your head right? (that's what they say) But there's also the fear that I might not find something I like, etc, etc. To be quite honest, I don't know what I want out of life anymore. Once I lost my dog in 2014, suicidal ideation has been on a steady rise (like a the scam that the stock market reports put out). There's also the fear that my family member who helped pay off her son's mortgage will ask for the money back, but she also said she wanted to pay it off to "clear my son's name" and there were no strings attached to it. I need every penny I can for myself. I'm not working at the moment, the house is all I have left, the bills are very minimal since I'm hardly home and live alone to begin with. A couple of guys I know say keep it, my therapist suggests selling and starting fresh, I'm leaning with her on this one....but then there's the money thing, land value is always good and goes up. I'm also thinking, maybe test the market, set a price that I would absolutely sell at and if I don't get that price, don't sell until I do. (yes I know, maybe I won't get that price right away) Any thoughts? Ideally, I'd like to move out of the city into that "small town", keep things simple and maybe somehow that would recharge me into starting over in life --- without my dog albeit (yes I know I could get a new dog), but my dog went through so much crap with me, hence there's that strong connection for her. Anyways, I'm rambling. Thanks everyone.
  8. Well, I'm still in the same state... Maybe grabbing my laptop, going out into the countryside, sitting under a tree will help a little bit. Maybe it'll make it worse, who knows.... I have so many thoughts and things I want to say, but really, nobody (in person in my life) cares to absorb it and take it in. Besides, what good is typing it out if no one from my circle of "family" and friends will care to read it? They have their own stuff going on right. I have DEPRESSION and anxiety it's real, it's debilitating. I can't function like most people can and only wish I could.
  9. Like there are NO WORDS to express what you're goig through mentally. Naturally,nobody else will get it, becaue you're not gettig the right words out IF ANY. It's a constant cycle and spiral that just seems to get worse. Sucidie is feeling ore and more real - this is not an attempt to reach out for help, it's my expression, it's how I feel, I knw what I'm feeling and that's what i'm feeling. At some point your "hurdles just seem insurmountable that you feel like you can't do a damn 3$%#$%#$ thing about it..... I ruined my sunvisor sunroof tonight in a spontaneous fit of rage It's like a danerous slope and once you're on it, you're screwed. Screw life.
  10. I'll try to keep this short as im getting ready for bed, but in a nutshell, yes, I have incredible self hate, self doubt and literally TONS of regrets which eat at me on a daily basis. I don't think I'll EVER get over my regrets and that's exactly what my downfall is and will be. So you're definitely not alone.
  11. Meirionne I'll definitely look into what you suggested. I've recently started volunteering at a retirement home and it's certainly helped a LOT and to be quite honest, I really enjoy it a lot. The old ladies (and a few gents) are fantastic to be around, they're very appreciative and have some incredible wisdom. I only wish I had done this years ago.
  12. Well now I'm slightly underweight I believe. The past 2 weeks I've lost 15lbs, stress. 6'3 175 was my normal height/weight, now I'm probably 160. I just don't eat when stressed, when not as stressed I would get by with one meal and not lose weight, but lately I'm lucky if I get one meal in a day. Usually it's every other or 3rd day I get a meal. Thanks Branston
  13. By nature, in my early years, I was never a big eater. Mom always on the go when I lived with her, made a meal for me, then off to work. Off course, I went out and played with friends. Lived with my father, he really only made dinner for me after work and me coming from school. In my 20s and 30s, always on the go, eating whatever, whenever.... not the typical, sit down with the family dinner type stuff. Divorced parents, no siblings, only me. Now in my late 30s, I find one meal is enough, just like a friend of mine who is in a good situation at home (he's 28), but he's happy with one meal. Now I also have reflux disease so I found it hard to just eat whenever whatever, simply because of it coming back up. But I'm beginning to wonder if a lot of it has/had to do with stress? Some people may eat more when they're stressed, I find I don't. Am I the only one like this? I mean my last meal was around 4pm at a restauraunt (9 shrimp, bit of streak, cup of rice, salad and a side of bread). Maybe my stomach is so small it's usd to not eating, but I really think it's the years of training it to not eat and STRESS.... Anyways, just thought I'd ask for those of you who certainly know more than I. Thank you.
  14. Since regular GPs are no longer allowed to prescribe narcostic of any kind (here in Canada, thanks to the abuse and misuse.... really, thanks people), I finally got an appointment to see a psychiatrist. After months and months, I got my appointment for mid July, still a long ways away though. My anxiety has gotten worse as my dog as progressively gotten worse and the jobs future isn't looking too bright. My dog is my main concern as she's the only thing I seem to have in life in regards to something I really truly love and hold dear to my heart. Not sure how I'm going to manage the next month or so, but I'm going to have to try... any suggestions? So many people, so few doctors, the world is becoming more and more congested and we're all going crazy and others are getting sick. This is not good. But I am proud to say I think I had my first official panic attack a week ago today and I managed to control it by laying down on the couch, turning on my PS3, playing poker on SONY's SIM world, breathing, closing my eyes and just really focusing on calming down. (left leg felt numb, upper back felt tingly, gasping for hair a bit....along with the fact that I have reflux disease, things weren't looking so well for me that day). I miss the 90s. Things were so much more simple back then. :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3: :verysad3:
  15. I would have move out of my father's house years ago had I known he would be so vile and mean to me (alcoholic). That just about did my head in and ruined my life... I also would have focused more in high school (did well still) and maybe studied sciences more to get in the medical field, become a doctor or something. Great question.
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