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absent last won the day on February 3 2012

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    Staring at the darkness of my MIND.

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  1. Anonymousblob welcome from me as well. It must be really hard seeing your mom who you love so much struggle with BPD. And on top of that you are experiencing depression. I can see why you are scared and anxious and convinced you have bipolar. There are a few different types of bipolar and in the UK GPs are not qualified to diagnose anything but depression and anxiety and maybe a few other disorders. And even if they are able to say whether you have it or not - remember they are a GP, a general practitioner. They are not a mental health professional. BUT, even if you don't have bipolar he shouldn't be dismissing your worries like that. So the question is how you can be helped. And that would be by getting to the correct professional that can help you. You can ask your GP (or see another one) to get referred to a mental health professional for assessment. If that doesn't work out, I would highly advise to look for a low-cost therapy organization in your are and ask if you can get booked for assessment and a diagnose only (if you don't want to do the therapy). Also there are free charity organizations like Mind where the people are trained in CBT and low-level counseling (low-level means they can only do limited types of counseling). They cannot give you support for bipolar or diagnose it, but might help with the depression and anxiety, or simply they can advise you what organization to get in contact with. Anxious of calling them? Drop them a quick email. While you are trying to sort that out look up how to manage BPD without medication and treatment and apply those in your life. After all getting at the same time to sleep is not something that will do you any harm in either case. Look up how to manage anxiety and read up on mindfulness. Read on personal stories of triumph to get some hope back in your life. Try to make a plan for the next time you are feeling good so that you don't go burn yourself out by doing everything you're not able to do while depressed. Also this website allows for journalling and blogging. Use that to help you vent or keep us update in this topic. Most of all, don't be harsh on yourself and don't doubt yourself. You deserve to get help, so if your GP is not assisting you with getting that help there are other channels. Get in contact with organizations and charities and ask them for advice. Off-topic regarding emotions: Some people see emotions as something that is a choice and most of all something that we all experience the same. But that is not true. Emotions are like a fluid curve. If you imagine a scale for temperature but instead we are measuring feelings and the Zero is a neutral position. No one ever stays in neutral - our emotions constantly fluctuate under and above it. Now let's say most people can in a single day go from a -5 (which is tired and irritated but not really sad or depressed) to +5 (which is content but not happy or elated). So how much a person will go bellow or above that is different from everyone. Now lets say a depressed person goes to a -20. And that depressed person has a good day when they are at a +5. Now that is a difference of 25 not a 10 (as it is from -5 to a +5). What do you think you will be felt more acute? A difference of 10 degrees or 25? Just something to think about.
  2. Hello mgbi123. It is difficult and lonely when there is no support. They obviously don't understand that you need your video games and your drawing, but try to persevere with it. You also mention you have friends. The things is at this age this is no a topic that a lot of your peers would understand. But don't abandon them just because you fell they don't care (they probably just don't understand). Keep socializing as in the long-term, while not healing your from depression, it will be beneficial. Loneliness can easily exasperate depression. Also is there any your programs in your area that can help you? You need to connect and build a support network of people that do understand. Or can you speak with someone at school confidentially? Sorry I assume you go to school and you might have graduated yet, if so please don't mind me. Let us know how are you getting.
  3. Estrauss I can't really much add to the above advice. All have been said. I just want to tell you I understand where you are coming from. It's like a passive suic***. It's a self-destructive behavior and it is part of your (and mine) depression. This self-destructive behavior comes in many different forms. We feel so bad we feel we don't deserve anything good. Pushing away people, getting into physical and verbal fights, drinking, etc. Anything that will damage our self-confidence and morale. And this becomes a vicious circle where we fell bad -> we act bad-> we feel bad for acting bad -> come up with more self destructive techniques and so on. Just remember you wouldn't be so cruel to yourself if you were feeling better. Try to recognize similar urges and not to act on those. Instead, if you are able, try to replace them with a way to take care of yourself (take a vitamin, go for a walk, meet a friend). Because that is one thing none of us do enough in the moments we need it the most.
  4. Corporate greed and not giving second chances to people that obviously want to or have changed.
  5. Thank you all for the responses Hi jmg and Girly. Long time not see, hope you are both doing okay? Exactly Kabuto! Not being so strict is the way I imagine it. There are places where you sign in and out of work with a chip-card and some even use prints, so that no one can sign you in at work! It's just crazy. I've had my first day today and I need to go to sleep, but I feel like I've had exactly 1 hour to myself. It's just awful. Otherwise my day was okay, very busy though and I've had a late shift the night before with my hospitality job. I like the people in the office so far, but I don't like certain aspects of the job. For example I'm screening people (initial phone assessment of potential employees) on the phone. I know there is a lot more to the whole process of hiring and a lot of them will drop out in that process, but I just want to offer everyone the chance for an interview! I can't though. And that makes me think about myself. I've done stupid things but was never involved in criminal activities or anything else that might make me unattractive to potential employers. It's so stupid that some people get second chance and other's don't. In the mean time all the homeless with which I had to share meals for more then half a year are still homeless, stealing booze from the shops, and living off money from the government, while hard-working people with families that have made one mistake in their life can't find a job. I'm just very sleepy so I am very morbid. I think I shall go to sleep now. Thank you SmellHole, I wish you luck and I hope you find something. Is part-time not an option for you? I feel your nickname is very degrading toward you as a person. Why did you choose it?
  6. Thank you. I needed a bit of encouragement. The thing is if I don't work I'm never bored and I always have something to do and If I do nothing I still feel okay. I am starting tomorrow. I hope you find some kind of part-time job. I think for people like us (that don't adjust in ANY environment), part-time is usually the best.
  7. I completely agree that happiness comes from within, but we are social animals. My most meaningful relationships have always been with my friends. I can't imagine my life without the support of others, even from the people on this forum, or any of the other online community. In fact I don't even need to post a reply to feel a part of the community. Just reading other peoples personal thoughts and feelings can make me feel not alone, or understood. I can feel a connection to someone trough the words, because we've had a similar experience. But then I was always told I am over-sensitive. I wonder if the reason why personal blogs and vlogs are so popular is because we are all seeking that connection. No, we are not inferior ... in any way. But then I wonder if we really want a relationship? Or are we subconsciously sabotaging any possibility of one.
  8. If everything goes right, I will be starting a full time job soon (it has been confirmed, but nothing signed on yet). I was so excited and happy to find it because I need money and money is opportunity. But ... ... I am really scared. I haven't been in a full time job for more then 4 years. I am the type of person that can easily get overwhelmed, or depressed. Not sleeping, not eating well, not seeing my friend or having time for myself can really bring me down. I just expect that this will be like all my previous full time jobs where I got really depressed. I have been feeling so much better recently. I had lots of free time. I even changed the way I eat and I am trying to exercise and reduced smoking. I don't know if I've had more energy or more free time, but I am scared it will all go to sh*t. And when I get scared a sudden feeling of me loneliness overtakes me. I will not miss on this job opportunity, but the question is not if the job is good, or if I will like it, but will I manage my life. Why do I hate the idea that I have to give 5 days out of 7 of my life to work for money. Oh how I wish, I wish, we lived in a world where no money existed. I wish everything was free, and people were more tolerant and less fixated on taking. Work would be pleasure then. I get so fixated on things. Everything has to happen in a certain way, and that stresses me out. I have to eat this for breakfast, or I have to read this book today, or I have to feel a certain way and etc. And if that doesn't happen I just feel like I am loosing control, or that I don't put enough effort into the things I care about. And I am afraid of change. It terrifies me.
  9. absent

    Being Unhirable

    My life doesn't really look that bad, but I can't say it is good. I have no motivation or desire to improve anything and as a non-skilled labourer that is lacking much energy my choice of work is getting narrower with time. And that was the reason I left my country in the first place. I was going to be 26 and jobless and since age was more important then experience I had no choice. Immigrating was a means to survive. It was this or death, or that is how it felt. Currently I am in no better place. Good workers are always with a job but in the modern day slavers life that is also a very difficult thing to do. Yes, slavery is what I call it. You might get paid but you have not much choice and rights. People say you do. No, you don't. And it is not a matter of being treated badly, it is a matter of expecting too much. Why is google only showing smiley people? Not to self: Write about filtering process when choosing employees and give examples of expectations from employees.
  10. Therapy feel humiliating, and I know I am sabotaging it but I have no idea how to change any of this.
  11. I just finished We Bought a Zoo (2011) and I really loved it. I would recommend it to everyone. It warmed up my heart and made me laugh.
  12. Okay this is not a "joke" but it is really funny. I don't usually lol. See the additional pictures and read the reviews for this product at amazon. I am currently on page 2. The next one I'm gonna read about is "Veet hair removal for men". I hope it is as good.
  13. Someone posted this at another forum. Hope no one gets offended but it made me smile: Q: Why are men clever during sex A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
  14. Okay this one made me laugh: Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work? A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.
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